Do you care about being "visible" or "known" in general?

submitted by ElectricSheep from self.Bisexuals

I've been in situations where people are fully aware, and in situations where nobody is. I've been in situations where I'm intentionally vague or misleading about my dating history, and situations where I'm honest if it happens to come up. But the older I get, the more likely I am to just avoid the conversation entirely and bask in my own anonymity.

I was having a conversation the other day, and I mentioned that I'm a bit jealous of the gay community because they have much more freedom interacting with women without being seen as predatory or a potential harassment, and they can simply interact without observers jumping to conclusions (because men and women could never just be friends). Of course I've always taken for granted the fact that male friends are never seen as anything other than friends, and I realized that if I'm out in any given environment, chances are I get a raw deal from both ends.

It sucks if you're interested in someone and want to be clear about it, but I think the potential for just being seen as friendly vs sexually interested is a huge benefit to keeping your sexuality to yourself, or fibbing to fit the environment you're in. I have absolutely said I'm gay in order to break tensions in the past, and while it sucks, in the moment it's worth the dishonesty. It also comes with a whole other set of baggage when someone thinks you just want to lay everyone in sight. So, do you keep things close to the vest, or do you let everyone know?

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[–]usehername 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

In theory, I'd love to be "visibly bi" for the sake of fostering a strong bisexual community, but I'm in a relationship so it literally never comes up. If it did come up, I'd choose to be honest.

[–]PeakingPeachEater 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I can relate to this 100%. I never say what I am unless it's a)Brought up or b) I really like somebody and want a serious relationship with them. My current partner knows I'm bisexual and it didn't change anything. But he's a straight male so...Unsure what kind of reaction I would've got if I dated a lesbian woman. With bisexual person, it'd probably be a lot easier to talk about it since we'd both be able to relate.

Most people make assumptions that I'm a lesbian woman and ALWAYS, ALWAYS ask if I have a girlfriend...I kinda didn't mind back when I was single because hey, I like women. But...Feel a little weird about the assumptions they make...I have a family now and not on the market lol.

I guess my point of view is it's none of their business unless they're a potential love interest or a close friend to where it doesn't matter if I make it known.

People pretty much out me though by trying to figure out what the hell I am lol. Add to that, I was more masculine appearing and try not to seem creepy around women and make them think I'm a creep for existing around them...I'm not as masculine as I used to be and more down the middle(androgynous looking), just a bisexual tomcat lol.

I used to try and make myself seem more "straight" by dressing "girly" or feminine but I feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable like that...They still questioned me based on my "boyish"/"manly" attitude or whatever the hell they wanna call it. Even women used to make me the "man" of our friendgroup but...I'm not a man...

TLDR; I don't like to disclose my sexuality unless it's to potential love interest or close friend. I keep it to myself for the most part---until fools assume I'm a lesbian and I have to awkwardly explain I'm not but that I like both or just ommitt that part and say "No I'm not a lesbian" so they assume I'm a "straight tomboy". LOL

[–]ElectricSheep[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

When did being a tomboy turn into a bad thing? I remember it being cool if one of the girls like skateboards and jeans. I understand being constantly misjudged, though. I've been asked if I'm gay more than once, and I think I present as straight. I guess if a man isn't ogling the women around him, he's suspicious lol.

Do you find if people can't "identify" you that they get anxious, or is it just curiousity?

[–]PeakingPeachEater 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm not a fan of being called tomboy for a couple of reasons. 1) When men call me that it sounds juvenile since I'm a grown woman. 2) It's another way of telling me I'm "not like other girls because I 'like to get dirty'[I do handyman work...] while most "girls" don't"(I've had men tell me that and it made me uncomfortable, I'm just like any other women, nothing special or different) 3) Women in my family use it to call me "weird"/different or to imply I must be secretly a lesbian for being as single for as long as I was (I didn't mind being single at all lol)

This article explains my feelings better: Here’s Why I Won’t Call My Surfing, Skateboarding, Motorcycle-Riding Daughter A ‘Tomboy’

Snippet:

We used to call girls like Emilia ‘tomboys.’ But I hate that word, because it implies that a girl (or woman, for that matter) who does not conform to girl-coded cultural stereotypes is not only not really a girl, but somehow a kind of a boy. It tells girls (and boys, and women, and men) that there is a right way of being a girl, and a wrong way of being a girl, and if you’re the ‘wrong’ kind of girl, then actually you’re more of a boy. That’s messed up, when you think about it. And that is why that I told her that I would never call her a tomboy. I told her that I would never call her a ‘tomboy’ because I didn’t like comparing her to boys. I told her that I didn’t like thinking of things as ‘boy things’ and ‘girl things’ and that I certainly didn’t like any suggestion that ‘boy things’ were somehow better. I told her that there was a long history in the world of ‘girl things’ being treated as less important than ‘boy things’ and that that was a problem for everyone, and not just girls.

Do you find if people can't "identify" you that they get anxious, or is it just curiousity?

Mostly curiosity or...

I've had men ask me if I'm lesbian, then when I say no, they ask me if I'm single...They try to "gauge" me. 😶 Had some ladies flirting too lol or they're like "I'm bi/lesbian" right off the bat and try to relate with me in friendly way--not always flirting haha. Idk what it isss man. I think I'm just a little eccentric and it's hard for them to tell what I am.

[–]ElectricSheep[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Totally makes sense to me. But regardless of the label, it seems like it wouldn't ever be a bad thing to have variable interests. It sucks that the lines are so defining.