all 12 comments

[–]clitoriana 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Sure, I've felt that way now and then. But is the OSA really the problem or is it the shit people (men or women, straight or gay) have to say about it and about us as bisexuals and us as bisexual women? The good thing about being bi is our lives are entirely what we make of them. It's all about choices. You don't have to ever be intimate with a man again if you know it would only hurt you. (& if you are experiencing conflicting emotions, distress, and anger then it's obviously not good for the man either because that dynamic would not be healthy for either of you.) It's not like you owe anyone sex or a relationship. OSA feelings =/= OSA actions, is what I mean I guess. OSA is natural and normal in us, but it's complicated because we live in a heteropatriarchal world and there are endless ways that it twists and poisons our ability to have natural and normal relations with the opposite sex. Which is not our fault. It's not a problem that originates in you. I think it's cool that we can feel attracted to pretty much anyone who catches our eye, but we don't have to do shit about it if we don't want to. And if anyone has anything nasty to say about us, we can choose to disregard irrelevant opinions that are based on someone else's projections onto us rather than reality.

Again, it's ok that you feel like this but it's not your fault & you aren't dirty or tainted or anything of the sort for having been with men before and still feeling attracted to them. Your sexuality is a whole and good and natural one - it's the world outside of you that has planted and nurtured this self-loathing. Also, you can prefer and/or focus mostly or entirely on your SSA and still be bi and unashamed of it (because your bisexuality is what enables you to even be attracted to women at all), you don't have to be a lesbian for that. It's not exclusively their domain hahah.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you so much.

[–]usehername 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

p*nis disgust me and the thought of being intimate with a man again is vile to me.

Uhh are you sure you're into males? Or is this a trauma response? Either way, feel free to never date men. You do get to choose.

[–]clitoriana 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

It disgusts me until I get in exactly the right mood for it once every few months. Bi-cycling at its finest? lol

[–]usehername 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

But you're attracted to women all the time? Is it possible that you just find the vast majority of males repulsive, or sometimes you just feel attracted to a male you would otherwise be repulsed by if it was another time? I have no experience with this so I'm curious.

[–]clitoriana 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

But you're attracted to women all the time? - Nah, I have my preferences when it comes to women. Most women I see on the street, well, I don't like their personal style and their femininity is usually a turn-off. I like them a LOT more and the ones I do like (mostly masculine/butch women) the interest is very strong and it's like my default. Maybe I'm actually always into them specifically. Everything else is part of the bi-cycle.

find the vast majority of males repulsive - actually no, regardless of whatever I say when I go TERF mode and I'm pissed off, I am kind of neutral when it comes to men being attractive or unattractive. I'm actually having stronger interest in guys right now (which hasn't happened for a while and I know it won't last so I'm not bothered) and I'm noticing them more but overall it's kinda like whatever. They're just dudes. Dicks, however, are just gross unless I'm in exactly that right mood and it looks a certain way and I'd have to personally like the guy, like have feelings for him. Actually having feelings for a man (beyond a shallow crush) is the most rare occurrence of all.

sometimes you just feel attracted to a male you would otherwise be repulsed by if it was another time - This is true tho. I wouldn't necessarily say repulsed - maybe when I'm #triggered in a radfem way and I'm super up in my head, but when I'm not like that, I feel more bored, like they can't keep my attention or they don't compare to the butch I wish I was currently being romanced by so who cares.

Now, when I AM in crazy TERF mode I don't care how hot a guy is, my fight or flight instincts kick in LOL. The struggle of being a febfem... he cute and I wanna bake him cookies and be his wifey but I also want to headbutt him? Then again, not sure if that's a febfem thing or if I'm just a complete nutcase but I just roll with it since I know at the end of the day I want to come home to a woman.

[–]usehername 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Well, what is it about men that repulses you? Is it their maleness, or everything that comes with it? You know what I mean... masculine male culture, their "gender", their expectations and the way they treat women. Maybe when you see a man you just start thinking about all the depraved crimes men have committed throughout history. At least, that's what I'm gathering.

he cute and I wanna bake him cookies and be his wifey

I could be reaching here, but maybe there is some discomfort with this role? I mean, it is the expected female role, and you seem like you lean radfem so it looks like there's some conflict there. Or maybe it's just that you wouldn't mind (at least partially) playing the feminine role, it's just that doing so with a man may lead to a power imbalance, which you find repulsive?

I'm just curious because even some gays and lesbians have told me they aren't repulsed by the opposite sex (just lack attraction), so I just find it odd that you would feel that way as a bisexual. There's probably something psychological going on as opposed to biological.

Please note that none of this is an attempt to make you date men lol. I just want to understand better.

edit: I thought you were OP... my bad lol but I'm still interested

[–]clitoriana 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Yeah, of course it's psychological, but I think I do have waxing and waning attraction and consider that part of the "bi-cycle" - I always kinda pictured my inherent attraction to men as a broken, flickering neon sign

And yeah duh it'd SUCK to be some man's little wifey!! I'd be so pissed and miserable all the time if I actually got stuck in that role. The conflicting desires of liking a guy and wanting to take care of him vs the knowledge of male and female socialization and the almost inescapable nature of patriarchy makes me crazy. There are two wolves inside me etc. Sometimes this is distressing, most of the time it's funny. And if that's how it is for me, obviously I should avoid dealing too closely with men because it would never be healthy for either of us and again, I'd prefer a woman instead anyway.

Are you suspecting I might be gay or something? Because I know what you mean about LGs saying they aren't repulsed, just completely uninterested, but that's not me. Lesbians don't get actually physically turned on by men, lesbians don't ogle men and fantasize about sex with them, so, despite how weird this all seems to sound to you, bisexuality is the only option left. I've already spent my time in the confused "Am I a lesbian or just a man-hater?" camp, been there done that got the t-shirt.

[–]usehername 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I think I do have waxing and waning attraction and consider that part of the "bi-cycle"

I don't experience that. What do you think that is? Is it correlated to your menstrual cycle? Do you think it's biological?

And yeah duh it'd SUCK to be some man's little wifey!!

Then why would you say this?:

he cute and I wanna bake him cookies and be his wifey

I am really not trying to be rude just trying to understand where you're coming from.

Are you suspecting I might be gay or something?

No, I just mentioned the repulsion thing because if L&G are often not repulsed, then it's odd that you are repulsed even though you are capable of being attracted to the opposite sex.

[–]clitoriana 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Ok. Some of us do! I have no idea, the menstrual cycle is a possibility, I've actually seen a few bi women here and there suggest that. It's not like there are any studies on this so it's just one idea.

I already explained that I have conflicting desires and the nature of my attraction to men is, I guess, capricious. I know you aren't trying to be rude, and I don't perceive you as rude at all, but I have learned to just accept all this for what it is because it doesn't matter in the long run. Yeah it's worth exploring/trying to understand if you have apparently never encountered it before but I've been through these questions and possibilities with myself alone and with other bi women like me in a febfem group so I'm kinda over it all.

I don't consider it all that odd. Even straight women talk about being repulsed (or just grossed out) by men/male anatomy at times.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes I thought I was lesbian for a little bit but nope, I'm definitely male attracted, I don't find their sexual organs all that appealing and i would rather be with a woman than a man.

[–]usehername 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh, just realized you're a FEBfem. s/FEBFems would probably be a better place for this post