all 49 comments

[–]IridescentAnaconda 84 insightful - 3 fun84 insightful - 2 fun85 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

First, if you hadn't mentioned that you were 16, I would never have known: your writing style is already very sophisticated, so don't undermine yourself by saying "I'm only a teenager".

Second, I remember how isolating it was to be a gay teenager in the 80s. I guess it still is isolating but for different reasons. I don't know that I or anybody else on the internet can make the loneliness any better. But hang in there: you're smart, level-headed, able to see through BS. Never forget your power and you'll make it through.

[–]venecia 70 insightful - 2 fun70 insightful - 1 fun71 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Take heart. I have a feeling that by the time you're off to uni, the backlash should be fully in swing and you will find likeminded friends.

If you have to smile and nod if it means keeping some resemblance of a normal life, that's okay. There will be plenty of opportunities to come to find better people.

[–]fuckingsealions 53 insightful - 2 fun53 insightful - 1 fun54 insightful - 2 fun -  (4 children)

The 90s and 00s were ok for gay, where I lived (West coast US). I do remember that a lot of tv shows had a token gay character who had already come out, The L Word appeared, Logo TV happened and it was kind of trendy. Pride was fun. I had friends who thought they were gay, or "dabbled" and I think for some it was a welcome shield against, you know, teen boys or older predatory men. There were jokes about women being LUGs (lesbian until graduation). And you know what, I don't think it seriously hurt most people. There were no hormones, only a lot of Indigo Girl and Ani DeFranco. It probably introduced some women to feminism and a feeling of safety and solidarity.

I think things will swing again. I'm sorry, it must be very lonely. My daughter is also "the only lesbian in the village" and is looking forward to college.

[–]DorothyGale 42 insightful - 2 fun42 insightful - 1 fun43 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

"one of my friends even literally burned her books" I can't help but smile, is your friend intelligent enough to appreciate what irony is? Do you get taught about WWII in the US (big art of the curriculum in the UK) or Communist China, book burning was big in both of those places. I'm told they were quite authoritarian periods to live in where you got told what to think or reported if you spoke out of turn ;-). I think the current approach to censoring opinions and shutting down disagreement is the most authoritarian movement I've seen in the UK and US in years and it is young people who need to be alert to this or you are potentially creating a world where you will be taught the 'right' way to think and the 'right' things to say at the expense of your liberty. The thing about censoring disagreement and dissent is that you just don't know at what point you will be the person being censored but you can be damn sure it IS in the post for you and your turn will come. You are an intelligent outlier in your group right now, but afraid to speak up and I absolutely understand that, you would face being ostracised and further loneliness. I think the current period is VERY hard on young people like yourself who are intelligent enough to see the truth but who (understandably) don't want to be singled out for 'wrong think' and end up with nobody to speak to. For now your only recourse for venting may be online communities in the future I really do think some of your friends will realise that they are blindly following a flawed ideology. How would a conversation about the implications of removing free speech go down with them do you think? Problem is that that outs you too. It is such a difficult situation for a young woman like you and I find it heartbreaking (truly) that you have nowhere to go to find support for your sexuality and fellow lesbians. I am frustrated and angry for you - it must make you feel very alone. You aren't though, there are many women out there who feel the same as you do - sadly they aren't in your social circle yet. I hope these next few years see more young people wake up to this censoring, hectoring, cancelling and isolating of people and we reach a period where difference of opinion is just that and we move on and where the trans 'gender ideology' is exposed and more openly discussed. In the meantime, feel free to vent here and maybe start your own online community for lesbians of your age (actually I wrote that and then thought oh God it would be infiltrated by older trans folk, teen lesbians would be a siren call to some) perhaps if you could start a closed community where you can vet people first. It really is a minefield for young people now. I sympathise and wish I could be more help.

[–]malleus_maleficarum 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

So much this. Even in the 90's we were learning about McCarthyism and reading 1984 & Darkness At Noon & Brave New World in high schools as a cautionary tale... What happened!?

[–]RedditHatesLesbians[S] 15 insightful - 4 fun15 insightful - 3 fun16 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

I've always loved Dystopian novels but it's not as fun when real life is worse and more boring.

[–]worried19 32 insightful - 1 fun32 insightful - 0 fun33 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I don't know any out lesbians in a class of 400. I know 5 "transmen."

That really says it all. What's more likely, that lesbian teenage girls have ceased to exist, or that we're currently in the middle of a massive wave of social contagion?

[–]questioningtw 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

And we aren't even allowed to be concerned about this apparently. We have to accept that these girls are really boys aznd leave them the hell alone.

[–]spinningIntelligence 25 insightful - 1 fun25 insightful - 0 fun26 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I had my life ruined because I stood up against an undeniable injustice when I was a teenager, and was met with severe gaslighting and humiliation. I am almost 30 and still haven't recovered from the damage, and I never will. I will never forgive those who wronged me, much as I might want to.

Being the only one who sees or acknowledges something wrong changes the way you see other people; it can be isolating, even if the conversation is about something else. I hope you have at least one person in your life who you can have a private conversation with. If your friends don't fit the bill, is therapy an option? A therapist has to listen, even if they disagree (though some are irrational and unprofessional around this topic, in my experience).

I would say bide your time. You are a teenager: it's not your job to stand up to injustice. That's for us adults to do. Please just take care of yourself first. I know it's hard, especially when your parents homophobic. But you matter more than the sloppy opinions of a handful of teenagers and your parents.

[–]NeedMoreCoffee 23 insightful - 2 fun23 insightful - 1 fun24 insightful - 2 fun -  (6 children)

Highschool always sucks. In college you will find like minded people or people who don't really care and are cool to hang out with.

I think we have /s/LGBDropTheT and /s/Lesbians here that is the old true lesbians. You might want to try that? There is also spinster but that is a more radical feminist site. It's a bit more extreme feminists but the meme's are amazing.

[–]Gynoid_being 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)


cound you send me a link to this place? I would have really appreciated

[–]yishengqingwa666 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Join us, we are radfems of all ages, lesbians and women who are fed up with the misogyny of the trans cult and well, everything.

[–]FediNetizen 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I hang out on the fediverse (sort of like a distributed Twitter that lets Spinster and other similar sites talk to each other), and there are plenty of not-so-radical women on Spinster that I chat with from time to time. Really, the only thing that ties them together is they're basically all Gender Critical, and most of them are women.

[–]NeedMoreCoffee 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

honestly I have not quite figured out how the fediverse part works or what i can do with it

[–]FediNetizen 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

The whole idea is anyone can run their own instance with their own rules, and by default everyone can still talk to each other even if they're on different instances.

Don't like the rules or the internal drama on your instance, but still have friends you want to keep in touch with? Just switch to a new instance with a conduct policy more suited to your views. Compare that with Twitter where it's a walled garden and you will call Jonathan Yaniv a woman or get banned, bigot!

Basically you still get a lot of the benefit of Metcalfe's Law ( but it's far more decentralized and you have a lot more control over what types of content you see.

[–]DorothyGale 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yep. This is me I am oblivious to the fediverse while still being on Spinster - I think this is the point where my children call me a boomer (despite that being inaccurate but saying so also makes me a boomer apparently :p)

[–]zephyranthes 18 insightful - 2 fun18 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 2 fun -  (4 children)

It doesn't get better. Uni will be terrible and then you'll be all alone at your job, going to a restroom on a different floor to avoid a genderspecial sex pest. The choke point isn't anything political, it's your opportunities to make friends, which will only degrade with time.

Find a creative hobby and practise it. (No shame in asking your parents to fund it -- you're a child.) Find online and IRL friends this way. It doesn't matter what you pick as long as it's creative (activism doesn't count, pop culture fandoms don't count). If it's popular, you'll have a larger pool of potential friends. If it's rare, you'll be one of the few experts and a community magnet. Make yourself into a person people will want to be friends with.

[–]RedditHatesLesbians[S] 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I write poetry :) It's not great but that's how I stay creative! I also really want to learn bass. Thanks for your advice

[–]MarkTwainiac 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Poetry and bass sound like great ideas, OP. I'm sure you already have a good idea of how many women have been remarkable poets and writers over over time. But in case you don't know already, there also have been scores of excellent female bass players who've really left their mark on the music world since the dawn of rock 'n' roll. Here are just a few:

[–]DorothyGale 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Some great You Tube bass videos, my eldest is teaching himself bass. FYI eldest is also not down with all this gender stuff - there are some young people out there who see through it. I really hope you find your people or at least one you can talk to about this kind of thing. You sound like a great teenager - I mean that, not just a platitude.

[–]malleus_maleficarum 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Some of the wisest advice you can get, here, OP.

Make yourself into a YOU that you and other people will like once you've entered adulthood. You can't pick your parents or your school, but you can pick your nose, your seat, and your friends.

[–]moonlightascending 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

hello fellow radfem 16 year old lesbian! I 100% understand how you feel. it's so challenging being a teenage lesbian in the first place, not to mention when you're a "terf". honestly until I saw this post I thought I was the only one. but I guess now we know we're not alone in all this. it sounds like we've had very similar high school experiences. I tried to join the GSA at my school and it was all TIMs, TIFs, and TRA "allies". I've never felt at home at pride or any other "LGBT" gathering. it's really hard, and I wish I had a solution for you. all I can say is that I get it, it's awful, and you're not alone in all this.

[–]PostmodernJukebox 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

are you me?? i felt so similar when i was a teenager. no gay spaces for miles other than scary adult only places and sex shops and a culture of traditional white christianity around me that made it hard to authentically be me. and yeah not towing the party line and having "wrongthink" makes it so hard to open up to others and feel supported. i completely understand how you feel.

but the good part is life is so much more than gender politics. it doesnt feel like it all the time but it is. life is playing video games, getting ice cream, riding your bike or driving your car, sharing moments of absolute hysterical laughter over the silliest shit at 2 AM. even if your friends and you disagree in niche ideals it doesnt mean they cant support you in other facets of your life. i know the culture now is to disavow anyone who spekas out but you can still have meaningful friendships even when you dont agree. part of maturing is learning how to pick your battles and when to fight and when to let it go even if you dont want to. :)

never let anyone make you feel alone because you arent like them. there are people out here who stand by you even when you cant see them. in the meantime you can take solace in the other parts of your life with your friends that you and them can agree on.

[–]Finnegan7921 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

If any of the "trans" kids gives you any shit, politely remind them that they are larping to score woke points b/c the occurrence of actual gender dysphoria is far less than 5(or more) out of 400. Tell them it will be hysterical when they are in their 30s and have done irreversible damage to their bodies; that it should be really fun after they snap out of to try and date when social media remembers all. Or you could just go "Baaaaaa"..cross the road, little sheep" b/c that is what they are, mindlessly following a trend except this one has real life downstream consequences. It's not weird fashion or a punk hairdo. 16 year old girls calling people TERFs is hilarious.

[–]malleus_maleficarum 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I know, brains don't even finish developing until we're 25.

When you fiiiinally get there and they let you rent a car all by yourself for a reasonable price, then you know you're a grown up at last.

But what do I do in the meantime?

I do not have a magic spell. But I do know rather a lot of lesbians. Places/activities where I either hang with the ones I already know or run into more: Kayaking. Hiking. Cross-country skiing. The farmer's market. The feed store. The gun range. A lot of them golf. I used to run into them a lot when I went to dog training events. Are you driving yet? ...consider a used Subaru :)

You have already found us and we like you the way you are. You will start to bump into accepting people in real life too as your independence increases and you have more control over your surroundings. And the backlash is starting, the community is growing, activism is happening.

There's no rule that says you have to hang out with people your own age. Once you expand your social interactions to older people and people who may not be passionate leftists, it may not feel so oppressive.

Older people (60's and up) were so good to me when I was 16-25. They were willing to teach me skills: canning, sewing, roofing, beekeeping, winetasting, installing a new toilet, refinishing name it. And they can speak from such a wide range of perspectives and experiences. Be careful of creeps, don't be alone with strangers, but it's okay to sensibly expand your social group.

Asking other people's parents/grandparents what they're doing or how they did something will eventually get you sucked in to participating, and then you meet more of them. I was at a picnic a few years ago and was discussing bathroom renovations and tile with my friend, and an older lady just leaned over and said, "Do you need a tile saw? I have a tile saw." :D

[–]DorothyGale 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You have already found us and we like you the way you are. You will start to bump into accepting people in real life too as your independence increases and you have more control over your surroundings. And the backlash is starting, the community is growing, activism is happening.

I just want to echo this - we like you just how you are - as I said above you sound great and it makes me happy and gives me hope that there are young people like you.

[–]Rationalmind 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Good point about Pride, it’s become a hyper sexualized Mardi Gras. College is not better ideologically, and that craziness is invading the workplace now.

On your initial point, you weren’t alive or you might not have been old enough to know that just 15-20 years ago, the right tried to get HP banned because it was celebrating the “occult” or some bullshit like that. The left used to be pro-free speech, but they turned around and became the very authoritarians they once criticized.

I just wanted to encourage you to keep thinking for yourself! I think society has almost peaked on a lot of the nonsense in public discourse and once we get over the hill, I’m optimistic things will improve.

[–]stitchedlamb 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Omg, I totally forgot about the "original" HP book bannings, and I lived through it (raised in an Evangelical home). Poor JK Rowling has really lived through some dumb shit, hasn't she? That woman deserves every bit of success she's enjoyed.

[–]Wrencer 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Unfortunately TRA don't allow any nuances anymore. I'll advice you to stay away from Reddit's LGBT communities, you will probably get banned for wrongthink. Especially seeing how they hate lesbians now

[–]stitchedlamb 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

When I was 16, being bisexual was our version of being trans, EVERYONE wanted to be bi. Needless to say, while being gay wasn't as accepted in the mainstream as it is now (this was before gay marriage was legalized in the U.S.), it was honestly so normal for people my age that no one bat an eye if you were dating someone of the same sex. I wouldn't call it a "golden period", but teens were coming out of the closet without fear (at my school at least) and no one had to deal with trying to navigate 10 million different "genders", so yeah, it was pretty nice.

Anyway, I'm honestly not sure if you'd even have to wait until you hit 25 for your friends to start coming around. It seems so many younger people are doing things to their bodies that they don't fully understand the consequences of; I'd imagine that as little as a few years from now, there's going to be a wave of people bemoaning their self-mutilation and blaming anyone and everyone but themselves. You're probably going to see multiple medical malpractice suits, and with the bottom line being money, there's going to be a big backlash everywhere from doctors to government to big pharma. People that were afraid to speak up will have more room to be critical, and then hopefully we can go back to the drawing board and figure something out that works for people genuinely suffering from body dysmorphia and women/LGB without being shouted over by a bunch of men gunning for our heads.

[–]Delia 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Set up a space on here for teen lesbians and get talking to each other.

[–]fuckingsealions 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thinking about this further, I'm remembering I had to look outside my school to find any alternative or out people in high school. No one was out at my HS but me, even though I knew a lot of the drama kids were gay. From what I understand, young people just don't go out much now (and the pandemic isn't helping matters). I hate how sheltered your generation is IRL, yet exposed to internet horrors beyond my reckoning at your age. It's not fair. I used to try to kick my daughter out to knock around, and then found out she had no one to go meet since all of her friends were home constantly.

[–]Marigold-plate 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

“What do I do in the meantime?” Stay under the radar. Don’t debate TRA’s. It’s like debating a Flat Earther. It’s a cult. Can’t see reason if you’re wearing blinders. They reject anything that doesn’t fit into their worldview. Focus on your education and a plan to move to a lesbian friendly area after you get your degree. Slowly build a real support network and financial stability. By the time you get situated at 25, you’ll be in a better position to help lobby the governments for equal rights for women when the backlash begins and the government drags their feet because politicians don’t want to touch these trans policies.

[–]yishengqingwa666 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Ditch your friends.

[–]IamWomanHearMeRoar 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Those “friends” don’t sound like real friends. Cut them out of your life, you’re better off without them. You’re more than welcome to hang out here; you’re around good like-minded people. I know what that is like. I’m in an area that has a high catholic population. I’m surrounded by religious people; these people tried to push me into relationships with trans people too in hopes that it will make me “straight.” Someone even tried to set me up with a pedophile - it’s very disturbing, by trying to introduce me to trans women and pedophiles, but not surprising given how many pedophiles there are in churches. In the end I decided these people were not worth my time and cut them out of my life and feel so much better.

[–]optimistic_dyke 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

As an 18 year old in pretty much the same situation, I can't help you out either since I barely can help myself but just hang in there and we will figure this out, hopefully in college stuff will get better and more lesbians have peaked by then.

[–]TemperedChocolate142 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah Pride has really become something of an unfortunate spectacle. You're not insane although it can definitely feel that way sometimes. I don't really have much advice for you, I feel similarly. When I do, I take a break.

Also, you're really 16? What a writer you are, I genuinely enjoyed reading your post. I hope you stick around.

[–]Lilith_Fair 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It must feel so lonely for you right now, and we all feel for you. If we're to be honest, there's no advice we can give you that can truly help change the people around you. That said, just because everyone else is obsessed with ideology, gender identities and issues, doesn't mean you have to be. In fact, one day you'll probably look back and think this is all in fact totally boring. And whatever your sexual preference, you're sixteen. At sixteen, no one needs to be in a hurry to find the love of your life yet. So in the mean time, can you redirect your time and mind to something else completely unrelated to all the nonsense? Can you explore new hobbies and develop skills in something else? I'm just throwing random crazy ideas out there. For example, history? Geocaching? Antiques? Paper mache art? Hell, Wood shop? I'm not saying these are things you should pick up, but just to give you an idea what I mean. Like, seriously, just about anything else will make you a more interesting person than the rest of them. Find something fascinating to you which you can devote time to become really good at or become a hobbyist expert at. It'll make life much more fun and give you a break from all the so-called social issues.

And perhaps find older books about lesbians, whether fiction or nonfiction, so you can explore that world on your own? Others here might know something to recommend to you.

And you can always come back here if you need some air.

Edit ETA: my point about it all being very boring--I mean all the supposed social awareness and endless preoccupation with their gender identities are in fact a total bore.

[–]Gynoid_being 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I suggest you focus on studying and moving away from your parents. As a lesbian, living in a homophobic country, if theres nothing you can do in a current situation regarding your sexuality, then its best to to search people on the Internet or dont date other women for a while, because building relationship in such conditions is extremely tough, especially if someone will out you/ your partner will start to show abusive tendencies and e.t. cetera In a meantime, theres s/lesbians :)

[–]Ossidiana 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You're 16. It's pretty common at your age to feel unique and isolated. So don't worry. It's also common for teenagers to form groups, united by a single mindset, especially if it's a mindset that outrages older people.

Also, be careful. You're exactly the age that those repressive "trans lobby" people prey from. People at your age are still discovering and learning their sexuality. I know that when I was 16, I would've been easy prey for those translobby guys.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I’m glad that you also made a post in the lesbians sub. They are very supportive women. Hang in there!

[–]Overdrive 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Don't worry babe, there's plenty of people who don't share their political views simply because they have no wish to go down that rabbit hole continuously with people who won't really listen. You can definitely be friends with people that hold different views than you. Staying silent to ensure your personal safety is an unfortunate must. Staying silent on a topic can be rather powerful in it's own way when we're talking about your immediate peer group.

There's other ways that you can give your silent support, if you wish. Things like signing petitions, writing letters or online research. Spreading accurate information into the web is crucial and you can still do it anonymously. I urge you to do what you can but do not put yourself in any kind of danger to do it.

[–]BarleySammich 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

The whole woke war on women, children, lesbians and gays needs to be exposed and burned to the ground.

[–]questioningtw 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It is really scary how society is obsessed with being transgender right now. I do think gender dysphoria exists and people that need to transition should. When i was growing up girls that defied gender roles were called tomboys and people thought they would either grow out of it or become feminists. There was absolutely NONE of this ridiculous, uncomfortable with gender roles/stereotypes? You could be NB/Trans. And if anyone tries talking you out of it they are somehow being abusive. I am 40 though and most people my age think this trans thing is ridiculous and are VERY supportive of gay people, BLM, and feminism.

[–]onesundaymorning 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm not a lesbian but fuck it, I'll be your older, cooler, wiser friend (lol). Seriously, you have a friend in all 2,480 people on this forum! We have your back.

[–]vintologi_eu 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Can you be more specific about what in "trans ideology" you oppose and properly motivate that?