all 23 comments

[–]MezozoicGay 24 insightful - 3 fun24 insightful - 2 fun25 insightful - 3 fun -  (12 children)

Majority of yaoi is written by women for women, so those men you are seeing there have nothing to do with a real men, they are just a fantasies of a perfect men in the eyes of the woman. Many yaoi main heroes are created with feminine traits to be as "self insert" for readers, so they are specifically made to act and be like women for readers to identify with them (same trick is used in many manga or anime, but in most cases for men to self insert into heroes). I am saying this to you as an experienced double your age gay man, who checked a lot of gay media, including yaoi, and who know a lot of gay men in real life.

It scares away the few people who might had interest in getting to know me romantically.

That is sad side effect of gender ideologists, they are trying so hard with all those pronounces and gay/lesbian conversion therapies, that casual people when meeting someone who is saying to them anything related to this, may run away thinking "I don't need those problems with mispronouncing and other weird stuff".

and can't afford therapy

That can be for the better, as it can ruin your body and life, if it is not necessity for you. And if you are not feeling need in transition, it will not help (only at first it will feel a bit better, because testosterone has anti-depressant effects, until you get used to it). For some people transition may help and will help, but those people are in the minority (by UK statistics it is 5000 transsexuals out of 500 000 transgenders in the UK).

I helped my friend with her volunteer help to PCOS organizations, and some women there were who were taking testosterone for one or another reason, so I've seen how it can be dangerous and cause life-long irreversible effects.

I feel lonely and unable to voice my concerns

Nowadays it is a "new norm", as gender ideologists are cancelling everyone who are at slightest not repeating what they are saying (they are canceling even their own transgenders). Especially hard it is for lesbians.

We had similar situation previously (but with imprisonment or death penalty laws in addition) for LGB people, 25-35 years ago in many countries. It is sad that current LGBTQ+ is acting just like those homophobic people of the past, and acting against their own kind, against people who they are supposed to defend.


Are they trans? If not, you can try to explain, but it can be hard with all this misinformation spreaded by gender activist groups.

[–]firebird 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I've lived with crippling depression and anxiety, and I can tell you that you were right when you said this:

i can tell that i am deteriorating mentally and physically staying like this.

And I know that with how you're feeling right now, it can seem like the most logical thing to stay like this until you feel better before crawling your way out of that deep hole again. It won't work like that. Start working on your own (mental and physical) health again. Build up your life again.

Start really small, take small steps forward. You mentioned living in filth: you could start with that. Clean up a bit each day, until you're living better again. I know it sounds incredibly dumb and too simple to work, but it helped me get out of a very dark place.

And like someone else already mentioned: visit a doctor. A decent one. I don't know where you live, but in some places healthcare for mental illness is at least partly supported. Maybe look into that first.

If that's really not an option, these days there are other resources. Organizations you could call, or even chat with online.

Finally, I'll leave you with this quote that gave me some insight, so who knows, maybe it'll help you too:

Change your thinking: you don’t have to solve your entire life all at once. Instead, try to think about adding more good things to your life. Add them one by one. And slowly, the amount of good things will grow.

[–]Hard_headed_woman 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

Are you sure you don't have obsessive/compulsive tendencies, as well? Coupled with your depression and anxiety, it's going to be even harder to deal with your issues. I know you said that you're broke, but do whatever it takes to see a doctor who can prescribe medication for you.

In the meantime, try yoga and other relaxation exercises, as well as aerobic exercise. Try to keep your mind and body as busy as possible. I know that is hard to do, but you will get a seratonin lift from the exercise. Repeat daily affirmations. Also,stay away from any type of porn, since it's only making matters worse. You can do this one day at a time.

We are in your corner and pulling for you! Stay safe.

[–]PassionateIntensity 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)


Exercising when you're depressed is really hard, but I promise it helps. If you can take walks outside in nature for an hour a day -- double therapy. Being surrounded by nature and being physical will get you out of your head.

[–]1donteven 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

but I promise it helps

Not really. It depends on the person. In my case it does absolutely nothing, even though I exercise outdoors every day for 1-2 hours.

[–]Literallyawoman 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hey sorry to hear how you’re feeling but I’m proud of you for reaching out and for being able to express yourself so well!

As a female teen coming from an abusive household with a mom who viewed me as competition, I had gender dysphoria in that I was anxious about seemingly presenting male. I thought I looked masculine and acted masculine because I didn’t have a female role model who assured me being a woman doesn’t mean fitting the male gaze or stereotypes.

So I started wearing a lot of jewelry because as a kid that was feminine to me, and I wore my hair long. In reality I have a really curvy build, healthy weight, and look like a feminine stereotype-but in my minds eye I was masculine, ugly, fat. It came from low self esteem and a toxic environment. I struggled with feeling “not like the other girls” because I was fed the lie that women are stereotypes, when in reality all of us go through feeling alone and different especially as a teen.

Once I was able to accept myself away from my abusive past, I realized being a woman is simply being born one, and women can present any way they choose it will never change our sex or make us less female. What I found most empowering was after years of mostly befriending men, I forged female friendships and found real support, validation, and relatability through them. From butch lesbian, to girly-girl, from gals who dress comfy without makeup or who dyed their hair crazy colors-we are all born women and there is no right way to be one.

My advice is to radically love yourself; instead of questioning if you want to be a woman, work on parts of your life that you can realistically improve-talk to people in your family and friends who don’t pressure you to feel a certain way-the people who just listen. Focus on small joys in your day, like making or eating your favorite meal, taking long walks with your favorite music on, taking a hot bath, listing positive affirmations to yourself before bed. Therapy is helpful but the work always comes from inside, from self love and that’s something you can practice right now, every day.

Think about what you like about yourself and what you can change-maybe being more active, cleaning the house on a daily basis for 30 minutes at a time, having more active hobbies to start? I started ultimate frisbee, cycling an hour a day, and painting (despite not being good) which was really therapeutic and allowed me to express myself outside of just what I wear or how I present. Focus on who you are as a person, not what your gender identity might be. You deserve love, self-love especially, and you WILL get through what you’re feeling. You are strong enough to feel emotions like sadness and anger, sit in them, find where they come from, and let them pass.

So much for me in accepting myself and realizing my gender identity was neither important to my true self or a quick fix for my mental health came from allowing myself to have bad days and accepting there will BE bad days without it meaning I couldn’t work through it-and YOU can work through it one day at a time by radically allowing yourself to feel emotion, and recognize they come and go and do not define us or control us. But I firmly believe it starts with exercise everyday of your body and mind.

[–]1donteven 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

You know who can help you? Your doctor. Your main issue seems to be depression - medication really does help, although you may have to try several different drugs before finding one that works for you.

[–]Comatoast 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

There are places where you can get therapy on a sliding scale. If you're unemployed, sometimes it can come at little cost. Start out by calling the health department near you. Focus on treating your anxiety and depression first. Maybe try reading different manga that doesn't focus on sexual relationships, there are a lot of titles with strong female roles. Try figuring out what bothers you so much about your body, what about it upsets you to make you feel gender dysphoria in the first place. If it's tied directly to wanting to look like the dudes in the yaoi, well no one is going to look like figures in manga no matter the gender. Humans aren't all smooth lines and elegance. There's a little bit of forced acceptance of reality in that facet that'll need to happen.

[–]ThisReality 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm glad you're not thinking of transitioning. Not because you'd be "bad" or "wrong" if you did, just that it would likely not solve the problems you already have and would give you new problems (and medical bills) on top of what you already deal with. Have you ever seen the detrans subsaidit or subreddit? Might be worth a peek if you haven't.

There's been good advice given here already, and I'll add something: Nutrition. Not expensive bro-science supplements or woo-woo stuff, but make sure you're getting enough vitamin D, whether it's from D3 tablets, sunlight, or your food. B vitamins can play a role too. Like any science, the science on this is evolving as more studies are done and more data is collected, but here's an example.

Ever heard of dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT)? It was started to help treat people with borderline personality disorder, but the skills it teaches can help people that are nowhere near borderline but are struggling with other aspects of their mental health. This site isn't the prettiest, but it's a start. Mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness are the core skills taught.

Getting things done helps lift my mood. It doesn't have to be everything at once. Throw out some trash, dust a few things, clean the bathroom sink. One thing at a time. Helps me feel less overwhelmed, less "useless" or "lazy" when I get into self-critical moods.

I hope this doesn't all sound like "wow, thanks, I'm cured." It's more about staying on top of the anxiety and depression and managing them so you can focus on other things and not feel so swamped and hopeless. Please don't give up on yourself. You deserve more happiness and a better life, and I believe you can get there. One step at a time.

[–]rad-sage-fem 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hey, just wanted to give you a message of love and support. I don't really have anything to add from an advice perspective but hopefully everyone's advice gives you a place to start. You'll get through it and I hope you feel supported here.

[–]luckystar 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is not going to be a popular opinion here but I do personally believe that gender dysphoria is a real thing that can sometimes be alleviated by transition -- I just think a lot of people are using the trans label as a shield to do bad things, and the affirmation-only model makes it hard to distinguish GD from other issues. I think just absorb information from all sides, it's good you're on here because that means you aren't blindly going in one direction.