all 26 comments

[–]Literallyawoman 71 insightful - 1 fun71 insightful - 0 fun72 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Hey gal- this is a blessing in disguise. You can date a person for years and think you know them and it still won’t work out. What’s important is that you aren’t in a relationship anymore with someone whos core values don’t match your own, who is literally not the person you started dating 3 years ago. You’re a lesbian and that’s wonderful! Honor yourself by knowing whatever she is she isn’t for you.

As of this day her health and well being are no longer your emotional burden. Like you said she’s an adult and she alone is responsible for her choices. You will go through a chemical withdrawal of sorts not seeing her but it WILL pass and you WILL get over her.

Distance is SO important right now as is talking to people who support you.

My advice? You are not her emotional crutch in the future if she starts trying to emotionally guilt you into comforting or validating her! You need space-she has her genderspecial friends and is not your responsibly. That means not responding to texts where she acts crazy, needy, angry, or depressed. Not your responsibly.

Now is the time to busy yourself with hobbies, small goals you can set for your own personal growth, and lots of self-love.

You deserve a good woman and you know this is for the best! She was well on her way to making your relationship a living hell of social posturing and catering to her sudden trans desire over you and the relationship, trust me, I've seen it happen. The women who get trapped with suddenly trans partners become a prop and an emotional punching bag.

You deserve a real woman who is stable and builds you up. And being single is a BLAST you will be loving it! It’s all about you exploring new interests, experiences, having a healthy routine, and learning more about yourself now.

[–]lefterfield 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This i such a beautiful response, I hope if someone breaks up with me, someone like you gives me this advice.

[–]TarshishJupiter[S] 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is great advice. Thanks for the pep talk - I needed it. <3

[–]Skipdip 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is the best response. A similar thing happened with my gf. It sucks, but what can you do. I like the reminder about the chemical withdrawal. It’s very true. I think I’m finally through the worst of it.

[–]Binah17 23 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 0 fun24 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Hello! I'm sorry your hurting, breakups are painful. I dated a guy who was confused and brought into the "If I switch genders it will solve everything in my life" propaganda. He abandoned all his friends and me but ultimately I dodged a bullet even though it hurt at the time. Haven't heard from (and I refuse to reach out to him) for a few years now. I cared about him but long term, I'm not interested in being with a mentally unstable person (especially if they're not trying to get help). I wanted to be his girlfriend not therapist and relationships with these folks seem one sided. They hate themselves and there's nothing you can do about it. My advice: You deserve peace of mind, a healthy partner and a healthy relationship, so I would accept this break up and move on (unfollow on every platform, delete numbers etc.) I've seen too many horror stories of people capitulating to their trans partners demands (when they weren't ok with it) and end up destroying themselves in the process. Relationships are already hard enough! You don't need that baggage. Take care of your mental health, connect with friends, get some exercise and eat healthy. When you get a chance and your ready ,make new friends (this will help you meet new dating partners). You will heal from this in time and find the right person (who's on the same page as you) eventually :)

[–]TarshishJupiter[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply. The relationship did seem rather one-sided near the end. She stopped being affectionate and would brush me off when I tried to initiate physical affection (she told me she didn't like being touched, I think because of her dysphoria). She would call me all the time to vent about problems but I never felt I could do the same. It's just so sad because when I started dating her, she was a completely different person.

[–]jkfinn 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I'm just curious about her aversion to "wife," and you're mentioning the term "propose" a couple times. Was this meant to be an equal relationship? If so, why the "proposal" idea, which I assume means marriage. Is it possible she's opposed to being a "wife" in a marriage? Or that she's opposed to marriage just as millions of straight women are. Also, are you the one assumed to do the “proposing?” Or, could she have also done so all along?

None of this need be answered, of course. That said, the rest does seem to indicate a long relationship lost to the trans cult. Which can probably best be overcome by doubling down on the criticism of trans.--after or during a short or long recovery. And may that period be as brief as possible, because we all know what that’s like.

[–]TarshishJupiter[S] 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Thanks for your response. We were going back and forth about who would propose - or whether we should even do a "proposal". When I said in the post that I wanted to propose, I guess it was shorthand for feeling ready to consider marriage.

I think she has an aversion to female-specific terms because she grew up with heavily conservative parents who even sent her to a summer camp that was basically "being a good wife class".

[–]MarkTwainiac 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

So sorry for your pain, OP. Breakups and heartache are hard.

she grew up with heavily conservative parents who even sent her to a summer camp that was basically "being a good wife class".

I found this info fits with what I know of a good number of girls/women (and boys/men) who get caught up in the trans craze. Some/many people raised with ultra-conservative sex stereotypes & roles like your ex develop a lifelong allergy and aversion to all restrictive, regressive ideologies after rejecting the beliefs they grew up with.

Back in the 70s and 80s, young people used to joke that many of us raised in homes where we were indoctrinated into various ideologies - whether strict Roman Catholicism, orthodox Judaism, Mormonism, Islam, US Bible Belt evangelical Christianity, secular right-wing Republicanism, "red diaper" communism and socialism, and even the (seemingly) anything-goes ethos of the Beats and later the hippies - had come out of our upbringings "vaccinated against dogma" - all dogma.

But at the same time, there were always a good number of young people from such backgrounds who at first thoroughly rejected the doctrinaire belief systems they were raised with and lived as apostates for a while, only to turn around after a spell and embrace another crippling, constricting cult such as Hare Krishna, the Moonies, People's Temple, EST, the Rajneeshis, SYDA, Gurumayi and so on.

For so many today, genderism is the new cult, and "transitioning" is the new set of ritual practices that promises salvation and rebirth as one's better, happier, higher self.

Again, sorry for your troubles. I hope you have friends to support you. It's trite to say, I know, but time does heal.

[–]TarshishJupiter[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I appreciate your response. It does seem very true that there are some people from dogmatic backgrounds that seem to embrace another dogma. I do have a few friends to support me, but one of them doesn't agree with homosexuality and therefore is hard to talk with about my relationship troubles (I grew up in conservative circles, and I'm still friends with this one person who is a very good and compassionate human being, despite not agreeing with me on almost anything).

[–]jkfinn 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I see. I thought this was probably true, but wasn't sure. May you work your way through this, which is at least one concrete motivation for holding to your gc stance.

[–]lefterfield 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I'm so sorry, for both her and you. I recently had a falling out with some friends, though not over the trans stuff. All I can tell you is that once the initial hurt and anger fades, you will feel better knowing more about this person now than you did before - in your case, because you could have ended up in a serious committed relationship. I hope she wakes up someday.

Take some time to grieve and spend time in nature or working on a project that you really enjoy.

[–]CastleHoward 21 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 0 fun22 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I feel much more sorry for the ex. OP has a lifetime of health, wonder and love. The ex is going to take a bunch of testosterone, visit the Dr all the time, have painful surgeries. If they live in the US, there is going to be non-stop talk about health insurance and co-payments and waiting lists. She's going to agonize about passing. All her friends are going to be delusional. She might even take skin off her arm and surgically fashion a penis shaped non-fuctional flesh tube. Then she's going to try to convince people to want that. The future paths of these two women could not be more different. Break ups are so hard but we recover. OP will be fine.

[–]lefterfield 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I completely agree with you, and I didn't mean to imply that OP had it equally hard as the ex. Breakups are still painful, though, especially one as serious as considering engagement. It's in part my feelings toward friends I've lost recently, and how awful that was for me. I can't imagine losing someone I had thought to marry. I'd get over it, as I'm sure OP will, but it would still hurt in the moment.

That aside, yeah, the ex has the far worse end of it. Even a short time on T screws up women's bodies for life and destroys their health, not to mention the cultish and abusive people you've surrounded yourself with.

[–]TarshishJupiter[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for the advice. I hope she wakes up too, though I shouldn't fantasize about that too much, since part of me still wants to be with her. I've got a class that starts in a few days, so maybe I can keep my mind on that.

[–]lairacunda 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I know it's hard but understand she's doing you a favor. What would it be like to be in a relationship with her demanding validation for her delusion, knowing the T was destroying her and setting her up for a lifetime of medical complications? And all the while having to keep silent about what you know? Not hat it's worth anything but, she'll remember you and rue the day she dumped you when she's stone-cold sober in a few years.

[–]Doobeedoo661 7 insightful - 3 fun7 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

You dodged a bullet there and bonus points, you didn’t need to be the dumper, I despise being the dumper. You can sit back, relax and smile to yourself ‘cause your conscience is good - a lot of guilt and baggage when you’re the dumper, but - what can you do, it’s their problem now.

I feel bad you’re sad. You think you know someone then BAM! They start taking exogenous testosterone, they dissolve into an emotionally unstable wreck and blame you for everything that’s wrong in their lives.

Then one day, out of the blue, s/he shoots you while you’re asleep cause s/he was misgendered again by the lesbian that’s been subtly flirting with you at work and you said nothing - yep, you dodged a bullet.

[–]Vari4 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Respect is at the core of a healthy relationship. Your partner is someone who is supposed to respect you and you are supposed to respect them.

Someone cannot coherently claim to respect you whilst also saying that they are embarrassed to have you around.

By that same token i don't think we can coherently claim to respect someone whilst saying that their most cherished beliefs are not just obviously false - but also a symptom of wilful irrationality.

Love might draw you to someone - but without respect love isn't going to be enough.

I ended up breaking up with my partner a few years back because i was GC and although she privately agreed with a lot of my views she didn't want to be associated with them publicly.

[–]spicyramen 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Not gender critical related. But advice my mom gave me when I got dumped by the person I thought I would marry: Every day you endure this pain you're getting better. It doesnt feel that way at first but every day is another step putting distance between you and this painful event. And you WILL get better. Also idk I watched miraculous lady bug but maybe just find some stupid show to numb the pain for 30 minutes at a time. Thats all i got but I hope it helped

[–]TarshishJupiter[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for your advice. :-) I'm trying to live day by day right now and remind myself of all the good things about being single.

[–]trekyourself 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Heartbreak is always awful, but this is an especially terrible time to suffer from it, and my heart goes out to you so much. Please know that you're not alone.

Any serious relationship ending will hurt, and sometimes it takes a while. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship so you can fully put it to rest when you're ready and its specter won't haunt your future relationship(s).

You seem to have a clear view on what happened beyond why they chose this path, and we can never really know the exact combination of the mind that one day makes someone completely change their life in an inconceivable way. Whenever you find yourself going over things again or feeling especially emotional, let yourself, but then do something nourishing or productive for yourself as soon as you can afterward. The pain will be strong right now, but by balancing it with things that will help You, you'll take its destructive power away from it and instead use its energy for a brighter future. You will find a real love one day, but you want to be as complete a person as possible when you find it.

Set boundaries, connect with those you love and trust, treat yourself both with fun things and good-for-you things, and remember that it's a gigantic world out there. And the other posters are right: Nobody will argue with you that this is terribly painful and sad, but it'd be so much worse if it happened when you were married, emotionally but also financially and legally.

[–]TarshishJupiter[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, it's especially hard right now because I can't meet up with friends or anything. Thanks for your advice. I'll take it to heart.

[–]meranii 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I hope your heart heals, it's got to be awful to lose a partner of 3 years to this delusion. It's probably very painful right now but it will get better and you'll get over her. hugs Her internalized misogyny is super-unfortunate, but at least she didn't try to get you to accept her as a guy and make you re-define yourself as straight or bi.

Honestly, it's not unlikely that in a couple of months or years she'll detransition, once the shiny special-ness of her "new identity" wears off, and she'll (try to) come crawling back to you. Live your life, block her and move on if you can so you're free of any of her future drama, because I think she's clearly shown you she's not the one for you. You sound like a good person because you still have concern for her well-being but don't let her keep you on her backburner.

[–]TarshishJupiter[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply. Yes, three years of nothing but good times (minus homophobic parents), and then this. I guess I'm past the surprise now, but it still really threw me for a loop. I hope this isn't something she decides to move forward with, but as someone here said, it's not my responsibility anymore to worry about that.

[–]Nonime 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is a good thing. I'm sorry for the hurt, but it's sort of like how alcohol stings a wound but also helps it heal without infection.

You want someone with your values. You want someone who does not submit to this cult of illogical ideology.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is so gullible/confused that they fall for MLMs for example. Reading stories of people who have lost their spouses to the multi-level marketing cults are... well, crazy, and eye-opening.

A certain amount of skepticism is necessary in a person to avoid falling for such false ideas. Your ex did not have this. You want someone with this trait. There are a lot of us out there. You'll find us.

[–]Delia 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Just forget her, she identifies with men and her loyalties are with them. You will find someone else, a better kind of women.