I need some help

submitted by FearfulFriend from self.GenderCritical

I am a straight middle-aged woman. One of my closest friends just came out as a transman. I have been crying for 2 days and can barely eat or sleep because I love her so much and I am scared that all of my friends will cancel me if I don't pretend to be happy for him.

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[–]MarkTwainiac 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

I am a straight middle-aged woman. One of my closest friends just came out as a transman. I have been crying for 2 days and can barely eat or sleep because... I am scared that all of my friends will cancel me if I don't pretend to be happy for him.

Doesn't sound like any "middle-aged woman" I've ever encountered or known of. Middle age nowadays is defined as the period between 45 and 65, so it means people born from 1955 to 1975. This sounds like a post from someone who has grown up much more recently, and mainly on social media.

Most women in the 45-65 age bracket who were born between 1955 and 1975 have seen too much of life, and experienced too many hardships and heartbreaks, and have developed too much strength of spirit and resilience, as well as a sense of humor and perspective, to fall apart like this coz a friend has newly announced she's taking on a trendy "identity" - and coz they fear all their friends will now suddenly cancel them for not going along with the pretense. Most grownups in the middle-age bracket are capable of tolerating differences of opinion with/amongst their friends without "cancelling" them.

Also, most middle-aged women I've known, and now know, can't afford to spend 2 days crying and falling apart on account of one friend's mental health crisis coz middle-aged women usually have demanding jobs (often two jobs), children to raise and tend to, groceries to buy, meals to cook, houses to clean, etc as well as partners and elderly and disabled family members to take care of.

[–]yishengqingwa666 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Yes, this is mighty... uh... DRAMATIC for a "middle aged woman"...

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Okay, I'm in my EARLY forties, and I'm still working, tending to children, cooking meals, and cleaning the house, just, while crying.

[–]MarkTwainiac 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

If this is truly the case, I then offer my apologies. But falling apart like you say you've done coz one of your friends has chosen to embrace a groovy new social trend and you fear other of your friends will disapprove of you for not being fully on board still strikes me as disproportionate.

Like you, I cried a lot in my 40s - but it was coz many loved ones of mine had died or were terminally ill...

I hope you have access to good mental health services, coz I think discussing this with a professional would help you much more than posting on social media.

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

It's not just cause of that, there are other things too, but this has triggered some other things and it's hard to talk to people IRL about the other things without also talking about this, and I'm afraid to talk about this to anyone IRL, even my counselor.

[–]MarkTwainiac 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Then you've gotta get some IRL help, even if it means going to an emergency room or calling a mental health hotline. Social media is not the place to deal with or sort out all our individual emotional issues and traumas.

Best wishes to you. I know what it's like to be in emotional anguish. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But seeking help from random strangers on the internet instead of from mental health professionals in real life is not gonna provide you with the balm you seem to be seeking.

Again, best wishes.

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thanks.

[–]MarkTwainiac 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Best of luck to you.

[–]BEB 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I don't know if this is a troll post, and my sincere apologies if it isn't, but if you're middle aged most women that age don't buy this gender stuff, so maybe ask polite but probing questions which subtly point out the lack of logic in the idea that biological sex can be self-determined.

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's not a troll post. I'm just worried about giving too much specific information and doxxing myself.

[–]BEB 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My apologies -There was a post about a month ago that many women responded to, including me, which I afterwards thought, that was a troll. I don't think that the poster ever showed up again and, if it was a troll, probably got a real kick out of having had so many women give up their precious time and thoughts to comfort them.

I would just be as supportive as a friend as you can be and probably the sheer cognitive dissonance will bring your friend back to reality at some point soon.

[–]denverkris 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

You are not obligated to pretend to be happy for her. I have no idea why a grown ass woman would want to inject T and grow a beard, but she's grown, so. Maybe if fewer people applauded this shit there would be fewer people willing to try this nonsense. If she's a close friend, has she undergone any significant trauma recently? Rape/divorce/any other type of emotional trauma or abuse?

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

So, she has always wanted to be a guy. We've been friends since we were teenagers and this part is not new. She also has a much-younger sister who's sucked into the tumblrverse whom she spends a lot of time with. I'm unclear as to how she made the leap from wanting to be a guy to actually deciding she is a guy.

[–]denverkris 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Well, she isn't a guy and never will be, so there's that. You might suggest to her that she reads some detrans stories either here or on reddit, because even if she does wind up passing as a guy at some point there are likely aspects of it that she hasn't thought about. Most tif's don't get a sexual thrill from larping as a dude, and many find that the reality of it is much more difficult than they anticipated, so the end results is less rewarding for many. You know how most women will smile back at you if you smile at them? Well, if you're a man and you smile at a random woman odds are she's going to think you're a creep. And there's a hundred other small nuances that she likely hasn't considered. Not to mention the damage T does to your body, heart problems, middle aged acne and who knows what else. Oh, and what's her sexuality? Because a good many straight women aren't interested in a guy who has a vag and not a dick, and certainly not many lesbians are turned on by a woman with a beard.

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

She's bi-leaning-towards-straight. (She likes both but she likes men more)

[–]denverkris 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think she's going to find her dating life to be rather challenging.

[–]Comatoast 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (20 children)

You don't have to be happy for your friend if you're not. Not for that reason. If you still want to maintain a friendship with them, you can try. If you're not able to get past the change, it's going to be hard and not dissimilar to a divorce in a lot of ways. You're going to have to adjust either way and take your life one day at a time.

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (19 children)

I just got divorced and can't handle going through another one. I'm sorry, I know this isn't anyone else's problem. I just need to talk to someone.

[–]MarkTwainiac 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Divorce is one of the most traumatizing experiences possible. Please immediately seek out support for yourself and your own problems and distress that stem from the recent MAJOR disruptions in your own life, family circumstances and household configuration and routines.

Your apparent distress over one single friend who's come out as trans, and your fears about all your other friends possibly cancelling you coz you don't approve, probably aren't the core or most important issues issues here, nor do they explain your pain.

I also hope you seek out support from other women who are now going through divorce, or have recently gone through it. You don't have to become lifelong friends with other women who've "been there" or are going through it simultaneously - temporary and transitional friends are "valid" (LOL). But IRL support groups of women in much the same boat as you can indeed be a lifeline and an enormous help.

Again, best wishes.

[–]Comatoast 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (17 children)

Yeah, I can imagine that you feel like pure shit. Losing a part of your support system when you need them the most is going to trudge up feelings of resentment. You're going through the echoes of divorce. You need to find a more stable support to hang onto until you can get back to emotional normalcy. Most of all, watch yourself. You're vulnerable right now, so be extra careful about where you're looking for comfort. Prioritize yourself.

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (16 children)

She's actually the one who physically got me out of the bad marital situation (my husband was emotionally abusive, not physically, but I still felt unsafe and needed help getting out) and took care of my child for me while I was dealing with the immediate fallout. And it was she who said the thing that made me realize I needed to STAY out of the marriage once I got out initially. Which was a big thing that she did for me that I am grateful for because the way that she said it was a way that was unique to her--you know? You have a lot of friends and you love them all but this one friend connects with you in a unique way that makes you understand things? She is that friend.

[–]BEB 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

Wow, that is sad and thanks for explaining more.

I too have that "special" friend. She lives in a country far away and we haven't seen each other physically for years. We have had major disagreements too during that time, but always manage to find each other again, which gives me hope that you and your friend, given how profound your friendship has been, will get through it.

I would just be supportive of her as a person without being actually encouraging. Given your ages (before Queer Theory threw a hand grenade at "sex", which maybe we should now refer to as Before Q.T.), I think her feelings about manhood won't last long, especially when confronted with reality.

Many posters on here have had made excellent suggestions, so please feel like you have friends on here, who you can turn to, if for nothing else than just to "talk."

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

She has been wanting to be a man since we met in the nineties so I think the feelings themselves will last, but I don't know how she'll take to the real-life transition process and what that's like. It's honestly not that part that bothers me, it's that I don't know how to defend my mental boundaries in a way that isn't hurtful to her. I will say that she hangs out with much younger people quite a bit though and she does tend to be influenced by the people she hangs out with.

Thanks for offering to talk. It helps.

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

Having a few days to process has been vital--I appreciate everyone here and the two people IRL as well (the mutual friend who mediated between us and the friend from another social circle who privately admitted to me that he doesn't understand gender identity either).

I think separating my friendship from my views on gender, sex, and society in general is important. She's a unique person, not a representative of women with gender dysphoria. And we have a long friendship with an established pattern of interactions. Given my knowledge of her, I think there's a solid 50/50 chance she will desist. The more supportive I am of her transition, the more likely she will lose interest in it. On the other hand, if I support her transition and she doesn't lose interest and desist, it will still help both of us feel connected, and I don't actually have to change my general views just because of her. I think it's going to be okay. I hope. At least I haven't cried in 24 hours and that's something.

[–]BEB 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

That's great - glad you've been able to resolve some of this in your own head and that you have a friend who can mediate if further misunderstandings arise!

Also glad you have a friend to talk to about your misgivings regarding gender ideology.

And that you've stopped crying. You are not alone - many people (I read 1/3) are suffering from depression because of the pandemic, so I hope that you give yourself a break with all that's going on in your life!

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

The friend who's mediating will, long term, side against me if negotiations break down. That is one of the reasons I was crying. She's mostly staying neutral at the moment because she's also been divorced and knows how badly it can freak a person out. But even at that, she's done me a huge favor just buying me some time, reassuring my other friend of my support and explaining that I'm too overwhelmed by other things to engage at the moment. It really is a huge favor whether it works out in the long run or not.

Anyway. The friend who's transitioning, taken as a unique individual whom I've known for a long time, likes to reinvent herself. She tends to completely take on the lifestyles and beliefs of the people she spends the most time with (in this case, it's young adults). She will completely devote herself to whatever idea/lifestyle/group she's in, then something will happen and she will break away from it and go back to "normal" for a while before reinventing herself another way. Most of the time, she retains whatever bit of the prior lifestyle she truly liked; or, sometimes, she rejects it for a while but then comes back around and re-adopts the part she truly liked. I am one of the things she always comes back to. She doesn't like when I "mother" her, which I stopped doing a long time ago anyway, but sometimes it does resemble the kind of relationship where a kid thinks something is cool until he sees his mom doing it and then nevermind. So I could totally see her going all in to the man thing and actually coming out of it sooner the more supportive of it I am. Then retaining whatever part she really liked, feeling OK about acting more assertive or whatever it is. OTOH, I've learned not to get attached to outcomes. Maybe she'll stay a man and I'll get used to the pronouns and she'll appreciate the effort and stay out of the inside of my mind. I can live with that. The worst-case scenario of being outed as gender-critical and rejected by everyone still scares me, but it's no longer the most likely scenario in my mind.

As for my friend who admitted to me that he too questions gender ideology, yeah, I realize it would be pretty cool to know people IRL who don't even have to really be GC but have just not totally swallowed QT. Maybe there are more people in my life who are afraid to question out loud.

[–]BEB 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I have friends and family who will literally do the opposite of what they think people want them to do, so your theory about going all in on the support making her pull out sooner might be right.

I must be really lucky (or just old) but there is no one I don't feel comfortable being openly GC around. I think it's the old part: as another poster on here said, 2nd Wave feminism inoculated a lot of us oldies against Queer Theory.

But I bring up the gender ideology issue constantly in interactions with strangers, now because of COVID, over the phone, and only politicians' offices seem to be supportive.

Most normal people in the US, in my experience, have just begun to notice that something is off, and, far from buying gender ideology, seem to think it's one of those crazy fads that will fade.

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

When do you bring up gender ideology with strangers over the phone? Is it part of your job?

I must be caught in the middle age-wise, old enough to wonder how something that just got invented five minutes ago has suddenly become mandatory, but young enough that most of the people I know are going along with it. I mean I WANT everyone to be safe from violence and be treated fairly in housing/jobs/education/healthcare and not be discriminated against based on how they look, which was what I thought this was right up until Trump's inauguration brought the insanity out of the woodwork. Well! Time to go downtown wearing a pussy hat and waving around a copy of Harry Potter and seeing who gets more triggered, the conservatives or the liberals. :/

[–]MarkTwainiac 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

OP, I hope you are OK. I slept fitfully last night worrying that I was not kind enough to you, and wondering how you are.

But your most recent posts are making me think that something in your story isn't adding up.

In your original post, you said you couldn't sleep, eat or stop crying coz not over the prospect of losing your close friend who has now gone trans, but coz you were afraid all your (other) friends would cancel you if you weren't thrilled about this:

I have been crying for 2 days and can barely eat or sleep because I love her so much and I am scared that all of my friends will cancel me if I don't pretend to be happy for him.

It was you as a middle-aged woman saying that you've totally fallen apart coz you're "scared that all of my friends will cancel me" if you aren't fully on board with what they all think (or you think they all think) that didn't ring true to some of us oldsters here. That's why we expressed skepticism at first.

But from what you're now saying, it seems that the true cause of your distress is really your friend who has gone trans, yes?

Perhaps you fear her new identity - and her taking T - might change your relationship, and you won't be able to rely on her in future as in the past? Could it be you feel she's your "rock" and the "one person who really gets me" and nobody else in the world will ever make you feel the way she does/has? Are you perhaps perceiving her going trans as another loss, and having "anticipatory grief" over it?

Perhaps you're displacing some of the unresolved pain and distress you have over the end of your marriage and all the "loss of potential" divorce entails onto your friendship with this woman? And maybe you're experiencing her decision to change her identity and body as having something to do with you - and you and her? Since she helped you so much as your marriage was ending, maybe you've come to have a somewhat unrealistic, idealized and romanticized view of her in your mind, seeing her as a savior figure? Could it also be you're a little (or a lot) in love with her?

Whatever is really going on, I hope you will get professional help pronto from someone skilled helping people navigate and heal from the trauma and grief that divorce tends to cause. With telemedicine today, there are a lot of psychotherapy options online - many of them covered by insurance (dunno what country you're in though, so that might not be relevant). Sometimes even a few sessions with a dispassionate but compassionate person who is expert in divorce trauma and grief, and human psychology generally, can do wonders. Also, many therapists work on sliding scales.

If you've made it to middle-age, I imagine you have the mettle to get through this crisis in your life. It might not feel that way in the moment, but this moment will pass. Since you said you have children, do you remember what it was like going through what used to be called "transition" during labor - that incredibly painful time when the cervix expands the last bit, from 7 to 10 cm? This is another time of transition, albeit of an entirely different kind, in your life - as it is in your friend's. Again, best wishes to you.

(Aargh, writing that last passage made me aware of how difficult it is nowadays to use the word "transition" to mean what it meant before the Anglophone world got engulfed by transmania and gender ideologues started appropriating the terms used by various other groups - such as women, people with DSDs, and childbirth educators - and changing the meaning of those terms.)

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It's okay, I understand sometimes trolls come onto forums and post out of nowhere to get people riled up, and my initial post probably was overly dramatic, although overly dramatic is how I've been feeling. But I'm not hurt by you or anything.

I don't see her as a savior figure--she helped me greatly but there were also other people who helped me greatly, not JUST her.

I don't know how to give all the details without giving too much information, but word is already starting to spread that I am not 100% happy for "him," and I'm worried that I'll be branded a bigot and that she AND another close, mutual friend will cancel me. I'm a little less worried than I was when I first posted, because I talked to the other friend and she's keeping a cool head and offering to run interference until we both calm down. But only a little less worried, because it could still end badly.

And I mean, I'm not opposed to her transitioning per se, since she's old enough to know her own mind and heck, maybe it IS the right decision for her. It's more that I can't be like, oh rainbows and glitter YAY!! and I'm never going to believe she is actually male the same as a person who was born that way.

The way this connects with my divorce is that I loved my husband deeply and he rejected me and this has left me feeling too fragile to survive any more rejections.

I have a therapist but I haven't talked to her in a couple of months, because of some insurance headaches. Plus what if my therapist thinks I'm a terrible person for not being rainbows and glitter yay?

My first child came so fast that I didn't feel the transition, but the second one, I said something like "I'm not sure how much longer I can do this" and the midwives told me "It's almost over," but it actually wasn't almost over and I got kind of mad, but then I got kind of excited when they got out a bulb aspirator like they actually expected there was going to be a baby pretty soon. BOTH times I remember a sense of pressure releasing, followed by a blank spot in my memory, followed by being handed the baby. It would be pretty cool to release some pressure now!

[–]MarkTwainiac 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Plus what if my therapist thinks I'm a terrible person for not being rainbows and glitter yay?

If your therapist judges you like that, he or she is a crap therapist. From what I understand, there are a lot of them about nowadays. I am so sorry if that's the kind of therapist you have.

Then again, in therapy, it's always been customary for clients to feel bashful and reluctant about divulging certain things for fear of the judgment they assume they will get in return. Sometimes/often this comes from clients believing that they not only can read other people's minds (including their therapists' minds), but they can do so in advance: I can't reveal my true thoughts or feelings to this person coz I already know what she or he will think and say, and that she or he will condemn and ostracize me. So why bother bringing the topic up at all?

A good therapist won't judge you, and should help you see that in fact none of us know ahead of time how others will react to our disclosures. What's more, it's perfectly possible - or it used to be - for humans to disapprove of what others believe and have done - and sometimes continue to do - but not write them off as "terrible people" overall. As Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn said in "The Gulag Archipelago":

“The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either – but right through every human heart…even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained. And even in the best of all hearts, there remains…an uprooted small corner of evil."

Also, what if your therapist did think you're "a terrible person for not being rainbows and glitter yay"? What is she or he going to do to you?

One of the most liberating moments in my life was when I realized in early adulthood that if I spoke up and stood my ground at work, in the classroom, or in public forums, people might say mean things about me and give me the cold shoulder, but it was highly unlikely that anyone in most work and social settings would smack me in the face or make me stand in the corner with the contents of a trash can dumped on my head the way the nuns in the RC convent school I attended as a child often did to us kids. Around the same time, I realized that never again would I have to put up with anyone in my intimate or family sphere hitting me with a paddle, punching me in the face, washing my mouth out with soap, sending me to bed without dinner, cutting off my allowance, etc - coz I was no longer powerless the way I had been as a child and teen.

OP, you're coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship. You say your husband rejected you; I imagine he probably did so in cruel ways. It's completely normal to assume and fear that the whole world is emotionally abusive and rejecting just like your husband was. And now your friend has discombobulated you by her decision to go trans.

I wish you the best. There are lots of people in the world who are not rigid gender ideologues. I hope, and trust, you will find some. Take care.

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I did break down and talk to one friend from a different, but equally liberal, social circle. He's male, but he's one of the not-so-bad ones. He admitted that he also struggles with gender identity beliefs. I realized it would help a lot if I knew more people IRL who would just admit that they struggle with it. They don't have to be fully GC, just have some concerns.

[–]Comatoast 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Has your friendship changed in any way since your friend started transitioning?

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's been less than a week since I found out and we haven't really talked since then. Our other friend brokered a deal where we get to still care about each other without talking until things calm down.

[–]slushpilot 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Tell her how you're scared it will affect your friendship.

How you won't be able to open up to her about the things you always have, because it's hard to trust men with some of those intimate conversations that they'll never understand. And if she's going to be a man now...

Or how she'll just want to spend her time watching the football game and hanging out in the garage drinking beer with the guys instead of scrapbooking over a shared bottle of wine like you always have. She can't do those things if she's going to be a man now...

Or how she'll make fun of the "trashy" novel that you're reading or the "chick" movie you watched. Since she's going to be a man now...

Or, if that all sounds ridiculous and she's not actually going to start being a stereotype—then ask her—what's changing!? Certainly not her biology. Her clothes, then? Her hair and fingernails? She was always free to change those. But if that's all that remains then that's a stupid reason to start calling herself a man!

But seriously now, I wish you luck with this situation. It sounds tricky, but maybe there's hope you can get through to her and help her talk through this as a friend, one to one. However, there might be more to this if you're able to dig deeper with her: it's not at all typical for someone of her age to just decide something like this—she's not some impressionable kid! I would suspect there's some trauma or other reasons—does she really want to be seen as a man, or rather, to not be seen as a woman?

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Like most people of both sexes, she already likes a combination of traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine things. I think she feels like being seen as a man will make her feel better about herself. And I mean, it might work. But, as I said above, she spends a lot of time with much-younger friends and she tends to be influenced by people she spends time with.

[–]slushpilot 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Right—that was part of my whole point too: she probably wasn’t a perfect representation of femininity to start with. Nobody is.

[–]fuckingsealions 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I'm sorry. I'd feel disappointed if one of my female friends became a man, also. Most of my friends are paired off, either gay or straight, so I find myself not often socializing with men. I just feel like it would create a barrier somehow, because sex is important. Obviously it's important to your friend if they want to world to see them as the opposite sex.

What are you concerned about?

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Hurting her by not responding in a way that will be useful. Her hurting herself by getting into this and not getting out of it what she wants. Other people rejecting me for my not responding in the way everyone else is responding.

[–]fuckingsealions 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That makes complete sense. I didn't want to assume.

First, it is so hard to watch friends make what looks like a bad decision--the wrong job, poor romantic choices, etc. Transitioning is huge but it's like those other decisions we watch loved ones make. I'd say try to love your friend, and accept this change as best you can. Much like when a friend brings their terrible partner around to dinner. We focus on our friend, and tolerate the oaf, even if we don't like him/her. Because we don't want to alienate our friend. We try to see the good side and what is making our friend happy about the relationship.

There's a couple of outcomes here. Your friend may realize it's not working out for her. If you're positive and haven't heaped pressure on about how great her new identity is (sounds like you wouldn't), she may come around and the friendship will survive. Or she'll make peace with herself and her new identity, and hopefully you will just be able to hang with your friend. There might be a honeymoon period where all she wants to talk about is her transition, so it might be ok to give her some space until she settles some.

The third option is that you'll drift, which hurts, but it happens with a lot of friendships. I don't hear you saying you want to end it, so all you can do is see what happens.

I wouldn't worry too much about what other people think about your responses. People are very good at assuming their views align with others and projecting them on to you. I've perfected the, "Mmm" and "I see" type responses to deflect. If someone really tries to pin you down I'd go vague with "as long as Friend is happy" or "I don't know enough about trans issues to speak about it" and then change the subject.

Hang in there. And again, I'm sorry.

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

One way I could potentially see it playing out is that we compromise by me using her new name and pronouns and her not expecting me to make any other changes in our relationship besides that. Then, we just see how it goes. That's probably the best-case scenario and it will be difficult, but doable. I'm also considering going neutral on hot-button social issues and focusing on less controversial things like literacy programs or malaria prevention or something like that where I can still be helpful without feeling like a lightning rod.