Dear Abby tells reader that reader’s husband’s cross-dressing is a “need,” not a “like”

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[–]assignedcopatbirth 31 insightful - 16 fun31 insightful - 15 fun32 insightful - 16 fun -  (0 children)

Let me check Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs here.... Ah, yes: food, shelter, sleep, dressing like a pretty pretty princess uwu

[–]questioningtw 16 insightful - 2 fun16 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Cross dressing is a like though. Even if it is a fetish it is still a like, and not a need. Also, if the cross dressing is crossing over into fetishizing behavior, his wife has every right being upset.

[–]diapason 13 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I feel so bad for this woman—her marriage is probably going to suffer or fail and when she reaches out for advice she gets told this nonsense :(

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 2 fun -  (8 children)

Some people have weird kinks. This is really the sort of thing that he should have mentioned before they got married though (assuming of course he was into it before marriage, which is likely) and if it does put a split in their marriage it is absolutely not his wife's fault for seeing it as a dealbreaker.

[–]MarkTwainiac 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

For males with autogynephilia, it always starts during puberty. So he definitely knew well before marriage. They all do.

Also, whilst both males and females can have weird kinks as you say, the unusual and often harmful (to self and others) deviant sexual interests that psychiatrists and sexologists now call "paraphilias" occur almost exclusively amongst males. (In the past, the official term was "perversions" but the men with these interests felt that term was stigmatizing, so mental health professionals came up with a different, less judgment-laden word.)

Women long have worn clothes considered male and often expressly made for males and sold in boys/men's shops and departments. But women customarily do this for practical reasons (like pockets), not coz we find it sexually arousing. Whereas men who cross-dress do so because it's erotically pleasurable, arousing and thrilling to them - and coz it fulfills fantasies borne of narcissism.

[–]GConly 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Except masochism. For some reason that's relatively common in women.

[–]MarkTwainiac 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I thought the actual research on masochism showed that the idea that it's more common in women is a myth.

Yes, lots of women have masochistic fantasies such as rape fantasies. But most women do not want these fantasies enacted in real life, and are not in the habit of obsessing over these fantasies, pursuing them and trying to bring them to life to the point where they become women's major, or sole, life goals as is the case with most male paraphilias such as AGP.

Many women display what could be considered masochistic tendencies, traits and thinking - but this can't be separated out from girls and women's history of female socialization and abuse. And to the way women are depicted in porn and mainstream media (novels, movies, TV, advertising, etc). What might appear to be "female masochism" can't be assumed to come primarily - or at all - from this being an innate way for females to achieve erotic arousal and sexual gratification.

From what I've read, clinical masochism as a paraphilia is far more common in males, and males have more extreme forms of it - for example male masochists are more into pain and extreme forms of degradation.

Tons of males are hooked on and extremely aroused by forced sissy and bimboifaction porn made for males by males.I don't see any or much evidence that large numbers of women are making or consuming analogous material. Yeah, there are exceptions like "Story of O" - but women en masse aren't making material for other female people analogous to sissy porn made by and for males,.

[–]Cicerosolo 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Paraphilias only occur in men so I agree with most of what you say. Masochism or power dynamics are more kink and certainly do seem to be the most common significant kind of kink thing women enjoy. What would be really interesting is to measure whether it's more common in males than females. But again, where it does occur in men it can become a paraphilia and it's manifestation is way more extreme. I think the kry difference is humiliation. For many men that is the ultimate sexual thrill but it's not a thing for women at all. The power dynamic is the hot thing, I've observed.

[–]SheepleArePeople2 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Probably the constant abuse from men and rampant self esteem issues getting mixed in with sexual development during adolescence. Almost all straight porn is also very abusive to women so it sorta sets the stage for these self destructive fetishes to develop.

[–]Cicerosolo 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don't really agree. I think there's something in people that a love of power dynamic sexual conduct that's distinct from environment. Also, remember, women don't get fetishes/paraphilias. Only men.

[–]Cicerosolo 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Except female sexual masochism isn't defined as a paraphilia as it's explicitly linked to sex in a way that real paraphilias (ie male only) aren't

[–]hmimperialtortie 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

If he’d mentioned it before, she would probably have dumped him. Can’t be having that.

[–]hfxB0oyA 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Just like saying you don't agree with that opinion is "violence", not "debate".

[–]Penguinberri 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

See this is why society needs to be more gender critical! If men and women could wear what ever they want with out it being seen as a male or female this would not be an issue! These clothes would not have become 'taboo'/sexualised for the husband to become obsessed with and the wife would not feel threatend by the husbands choice in clothing.

[–]diapason 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think the wife is concerned by his choice of clothing because he so eroticizes it—totally agree on the husband couldn't've gotten a cross-dressing fetish in the first place if women's clothing weren't so starkly demarcated from men's and sexualized

[–]jet199 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's only a need like drugs, alcohol or gambling can be a need to addicts.

[–]redditbegay 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

You don't understand their needs, u/Jet166, it makes him feel like a man prancing around in his wife's underwear and now her clothing too...

[–]vodka_gimli 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hot take: nothing about sex is a need. Men frame sex as a need to guilt women into sex.

[–]Cicerosolo 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It's interesting to me how little women understand fetishes /paraphilias but it is understandable seeing how women don't get them. Tbefact is it's a choice, an escalating choice. A person can make a decision but I'm convinced (as a male) that 99% of men are captive to their biological impulses in the same way women are. It's hard to fight against nature. It takes someone transcended above the animal to reject their fetishistic desires. Divorce that guy. Of course it progressed quickly once she found out. Men only reveal their parapahilia when they are at the point of escalation but they couch it in terms of what they liked before escalation so the poor woman is struggling to catch up. And then because escalation means repeated use and not just as a reward the endorphins stop hitting hard and escalation need to be upped at shorter intervals. As someone who got addicted to painkillers I know the feeling well but unlike me they don't suffer physical withdrawals, they just suffer from being at ease with their very selfish nature.

[–]votkriscan 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I once read about a guy who almost wanted to be trans but stopped, was saying it's something like sexuality shooting the other way instead of shooting "straight". What do you think about it?

[–]Cicerosolo 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Most people still believe that trans are gay males so maybe it came from that.

[–]redditbegay 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Take the opportunity to learn all you can about cross-dressing. More men than you may think engage in it, and the majority are heterosexual. An excellent support group for cross-dressers and wives of men who need (not "like") to cross-dress is The Society for the Second Self (Tri Ess). Its website is tri-ess.org. Go there and you will find the support and answers you're looking for.

Keep the lines of communication with your husband open and honest. Only the two of you can determine how to navigate through this. For many couples, it's not necessarily a deal-breaker.

'The majority of men engage in heteroseexual crossdressing' this sounds more like a fantasy bred out of fact-free education.

I wonder if a large number of tims began their fetishes with this aspect of crossdressing sexuality? Suggesting she and her husband should join a 'support group' for crossdressers is borderline cringey.

In a small, way, this article proves that the study of science is all but gone in our country.

[–]MarkTwainiac 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think her response is daft and irresponsible, and shows ignorance about AGP and what life is like for women married to cross-dressing men. But she didn't say

'The majority of men engage in heteroseexual crossdressing'

As you allege. She said

More men than you may think engage in it (cross-dressing), and the majority are heterosexual.

Her statement and the way you took it are entirely different.