Sex-negative feminism killed my sex life!

submitted by MisandryFTW from self.GenderCritical

Sorry for the clickbait title. I would love some advice. Trigger warning: sexual abuse.

tl;dr "How do I balance feminism, mental health, and a sex life."

I was sexually abused by OMAB people (some identified as men, some did not) since I was a child. Earliest incident I remember I was 6 years old. I was also physically/emotionally abused by mother, who was a sex-positive anti-feminist and while she didn't outright molest me, was inappropriate with me and punished me if I did not behave inappropriate around men. My family was also involved in an industry that is well known for sexual abuse of minors and I was put into situations with old powerful rich men where I was expected to "entertain" them and punished if I resisted.

As you can imagine, this led me to have a weird view and behavior around sex. I acted hypersexual for as long as I can remember, probably because I was trained to be, despite not having any attraction to men and a very difficult time having orgasms. Turns out I was a lesbian this whole time and once men are completely removed from the picture and I don't have to disassociate to deal with sex I can have orgasms.

I also have ASD and PCOS and ended up having a gender crisis issue which was resolved with therapy and getting my hormones down to female levels. I am very glad I didn't transition. I also got out of an abusive relationship with a man and moved in with my girlfriend who is awesome and supportive and sexy. She is also a gender critical feminist and apparently discovered it before I did and was relieved when I said, "Hey I think I'm a T*RF?"

Now here's the problem. The more therapy and feminism I got into the more I realized the things I liked about sex might not be healthy. My partner and I were heavily involved in the local BDSM community and kink is a large part of what we do sexually. Some of the specific things that turned me on I realized were reenacting my abuse, and now that I realize that I can't enjoy them. I went from being enthusiastic about the weirdest things to getting frequently triggered during even vanilla sex. My therapist wasn't comfortable talking about sex stuff and I haven't found a therapist who is, and all my friends are sex-positive trans-positive kink-positive people, so I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I find myself avoiding sex because I'm just sick of being triggered all the time. How do I rediscover what I like and have a healthy sex life? I don't even want to masturbate because all the things that turn me on are also triggers, not to mention we are quarantined in a tiny apartment with no privacy which makes "me time" and talking to a therapist currently impractical.

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[–]MarkTwainiac 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

OP, I am very sorry for your experiences and your suffering. I wish you well.

You say your sex life has been "killed by sex-negative feminism." But it sounds to me like your sex life has been shaped by childhood and adult sex abuse - and what's snuffed it out is is your dawning awareness of your abuse and its effects. Your awareness might have come to you by way of feminism, but that doesn't mean feminism is "sex-negative" as you characterize it.

You say you've been into BDSM and "kink" that in your own words is

reenacting my abuse

and involves you being aroused by

the weirdest things

Seems that your core issue is your history of sexual abuse going back to when you were 6 and your involvement with people in your adult life who are helping/causing you to reenact and relive that abuse, and who encourage you to look down on "vanilla sex," whatever that means - not by "sex-negative feminism," whatever that means.

I also have ASD and PCOS and ended up having a gender crisis issue which was resolved with therapy and getting my hormones down to female levels.

I'm sorry, this confuses me. My understanding is that neither ASD nor PCOS causes girls' or women's hormones to go beyond "female levels." Many girls and women with PCOS have testosterone at the high end of "female levels" but nowhere near male levels. AFAIK, ASD does not affect sex hormones.

My therapist wasn't comfortable talking about sex stuff and I haven't found a therapist who is

I am so sorry to hear of this. A therapist who can't talk about "sex stuff" is not a competent therapist. Also, what a therapist is comfortable with should not be a client's concern.

There are many therapists out there experienced in treating people with histories of sex abuse who will engage with you online and can recommend colleagues to consult and consider going into treatment with. Google is your friend here. Just type in "sex abuse therapists" or "sex abuse therapists near me." When I typed the latter in, I got 776,000,000 results. But beware - lots of people hanging shingles out are charlatans or abusers.

There are a number of "gender critical" therapists such as Lisa Marchiano and competent, well-published "big name" sexologists online (such as Ken Zucker) who might be able to direct you to someone able to help you. Also, if you do an internet search of "feminist sex abuse therapists" you'll come up with names of people who might be able to point you in the right direction.

Best wishes.

[–]jet199 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Maybe try concentrating on your body and your partner rather than going off into your head or distracting yourself with kink.

Maybe do some mindful exercises to get your mind/body connection healthy.

[–]onetwothree123 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Maybe take a break from sex for now? I think you need to see a therapist when in person appointments are allowed again. In the meantime, maybe try focusing on other things.

[–]emptiedriver 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Are you sexually frustrated? You don't need to have sex if you aren't enjoying it. Cuddle and spoon, shower together, enjoy each other's warmth, and let it lead to other things if you're in the mood, but you don't need to have orgasms all the time or "do things". Just appreciate you have another human around who will hold you and love you.

Quarantined meaning you can't leave the apartment at all, like even for a walk? Or more like you don't have other inside places to go? If you can go out for a walk in a park once a day for that "me time", make the effort - not to masturbate but to let yourself reflect, work things out a little between therapists, and even more to relax and enjoy the sunlight. Sometimes it can be better not to get too caught in your head about things.

[–]JasonNecks 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

"I don't even want to masturbate because all the things that turn me on are also triggers"

This is a difficult and mysterious problem to treat. I think a lot of therapists would just generate some sort of BS solution according to the rules of whatever is most politically correct for them to say, not necessarily what would work best. Even a therapist who is willing to be guided by something other than political expediency in their treatment might still have their healer/scientist's investigation sabotaged by their own unwillingness to be un-pc. There are probably therapists who have the right mindset to treat this problem. I don't know if those people are rare or not, but I wish you the best. A good source of help (possibly a therapist) will help you, but first you need to take it on yourself to get good at finding that good source of help, like a treasure hunter.

My actual advice: I'm not an expert, but mindfulness has helped me with some things. Just becoming aware of negative and positive thoughts, and reacting to those thoughts with detached and placid understanding. Still having the strong emotions, but also having a neutral observer in my head that says "I'm feeling very strongly about this right now."

[–]Irascible-harpy 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Your therapist "WASN'T COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT SEX???" That's fucked. Seriously. How did they indicate this to you? That is insanely unprofessional, holy shit.