[I was bored one day and wrote this. Just for the record, it is NOT REAL.]

Middlesbrough, North Yorkshire, UK (Daily Mail via Northern Echo) -

A young Middlesbrough resident is suing the National Health Service for what she describes as a clear case of gender-based discrimination. Nineteen-year-old South Bank resident Alessandra Viola Carmela Desiree Rhaella Targaryen Watkins y Evita Peron (pronouns she/her) alleges in a formal complaint laid this morning before the High Court, Teeside, that the Public Health Department denied her application for medical intervention for what she claims is a crippling case of gender dysphoria, and as such is in violation of the charter of the South Tees Hospitals Foundation Trust. Ms. Watkins identifies as a woman and has petitioned the court for immediate financial assistance to pursue what she declares to be 'lifesaving' corrective and gender reassignment surgeries. A representative of the Health Department formally responded to the petition later today, alleging that the claimant has no entitlement to medical relief, due to the complication that she was, in fact, already born a woman, or 'assigned female at birth' (AFAB), and that there is no known surgical or hormonal programme available for transgender patients to transition to the gender in which they were born.

In a press conference outside the High Court, Ms. Watkins, born with the name 'Susan Watkins', described for reporters in a statement read by her solicitor the crushing struggle of daily life for someone who, as she claims, was 'born in the wrong body'. All her life, according to Watkins, 'I've struggled with being forced into roles by society's expectations. Struggled with how society has perceived me only as a young woman, when all the while I was really a young man, a man who in turn was struggling with what society could only insensitively understand as shameful hidden desires to wear makeup and fancy dress and speak in a low falsetto'. Ms. Watkins has asserted in legal affidavits that her 'deadname', the name with which she knew in her 'deepest soul' had been improperly assigned to her at birth, was actually 'Chris Watkins', though her representatives have respectfully requested that the name not be used to identify her out of consideration for her gender identity, save to inspire others with her story of self-acceptance. 'Despite a piece of paper saying I was someone else, I always knew that there was a fabulous diva named "Alessandra" wearing shimmery sequined dresses, platinum blonde wigs, pounds of makeup and impossibly high heels, struggling to escape the rather macho and sarcastic, but secretly sensitive, Year 10 openside flanker at Outwood Academy named "Chris" that I know I formerly was at heart, discreetly but lustily engaging in precocious acts with his teammates in the boys' loo'. Ms. Watkins has requested a series of medical procedures including a cosmetically-installed Adam's Apple, breast-removal followed by artificial breast augmentation surgeries with silicone implants, and a hysterectomy, after which she seeks placement on the NHS list of recipients for uterine organ donation. In addition, Ms. Watkins has embarked upon her own regimen of voice alteration, involving the consumption of four packs per day of (now illegal per EU directive) Mayfair Green Superkings and regular gargling with common street gravel. 'Truth is, it's bloody painful', Ms. Watkins informed the press directly following her statement in a sensually feminine Smoggie accent. 'But it's worth it to finally be the fabbo glammy bird I always been meant! Gunna dun the Boro for me million quid! Sisters not Cisters! With a "C"! The second one! Wah row bout it eh?' Ms. Watkins was subsequently ushered out of the room by her solicitor who declared there were to be no more questions at that time.

In a written statement to this publication, the Middlesbrough Town Council Public Health Department stated that Ms. Watkins demands had previously been considered 'impractical', and that her repeated requests for guidance from local NHS-funded gynaecologists on how long she should take male hormones before switching to female hormones in order to 'transition properly' went unanswered not out of insensitivity to her gender or medical concerns, but rather because no one had the slightest idea. 'We and all the professionals of the National Health Service do not tolerate discrimination of any kind. The NHS has always striven for an inclusive, accepting environment for all of our patients, regardless of gender identity', the statement continued. 'No one knows her own body better than Ms. Watkins, and after an urgent consultation from our legal team, we have formally informed the petitioner that if she would kindly sign the necessary medical waivers and appropriate forms with proof of counseling by a licensed cosmetic surgeon, cosmetology professional or a Stonewall UK-approved therapist who lists pronouns in his, her, their, or xir Twitter, Facebook, or Tumblr biography, our legal liabilities would be completely covered and the British taxpayer would then be obliged to fund the considerable expenses involved in whatever potentially life-threatening procedures she wants us to do to her'.

Ms. Watkins is represented by Muriel Stearns of Cartwright & King, Leeds LS1, West Yorkshire. Her plans for the future following her transition include professional runway model, cabaret chanteuse, drag queen, or to be a 'diamond-encrusted sex slave of a troubled but sensitive homosexual gangster from London's East End named Rocco'.