RantAlthough I'm heterosexual, I feel kinda sad whenever my bf brings up him being trans or flip flopping about it...(ranty I guess)

submitted by buhnahnuhbr3ad from self.LGBDropTheT

Hi. As stated in the title, I'm not gay, but I've always lurked and subscribed to this sub back when it was on Reddit. It was super refreshing to know that others, especially the LGB and even T community find this whole gender extremism daunting, ridiculous, and outright overwhelming to conform to. I honestly don't know if it's fine posting on here because it doesn't really have anything to do with homosexual relations to trans people, but I do feel affected by the gender crap because my bf keeps flip flopping between being trans and not being one and it has always put a toll on me.

For some context, I love this guy. I truly do. We've been together for 7 years since highschool and I genuinely want him to be happy. However, probably about 5 years in, he told me that he feel he is a trans woman from the amount of times he's had a draw to being a woman since he was a kid. I of course was heartbroken. I'm a straight female, I'm not attracted to women at all, yet I felt like it was my duty to try to accommodate his identity and try to be open about being affectionate with him whenever he presented himself as female. But I just can't.

There were a few times he would (and I don't like admitting this) ask why I couldn't be attracted to him as a woman, essentially pressuring me. He's aware I don't roll that way yet wants to have all the affectionate stuff too and he usually gets upset when I reiterate that I will never treat him as a partner whenever he dresses up.

Over the course of him trying the whole genderfluid/trans thing out ( he only ever did it in college ), he would eventually get over it and resume to being a male for a good amount of months before he feels the need to dress up again. He even told me a year ago that he felt sure that he wasn't genderfluid or trans anymore, he swore to me he was over it and fine with himself, but I should've known better that that wasn't going to be true. He told me he was feeling "the urge" again and now told our dnd group tonight that he's trans and I just feel upset. This is happening again for the 3rd or 4th time and again, I'm just stuck in the middle of all this.

I'm sorry for the lengthy post and if it doesn't meet the guidelines of this sub, I'll understand if it's deleted. I just really really really needed to vent as I have no one to turn to.

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[–]Jamiethiel2018 20 insightful - 2 fun20 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Hold you're ground. You've told him it's a deal breaker. That's your right. Check out transwidowsvoices.org. Therapy from someone not invested in TWAW is highly recommended. All the best!

[–]buhnahnuhbr3ad[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks, I'll give it a look!

[–]SilverWolf 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm sorry that you've been put into this situation, it really isn't fair to you. As much as it will hurt, I think it might be best for you to just end things with him. It sounds like he isn't going to stop this, and if he was to fully transition, it wouldn't just effect him, it would effect you too, since you wouldn't be allowed to say you are straight anymore.

[–]buhnahnuhbr3ad[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks. I honestly didn't think this would be the situation I am in years ago when I first started dating him. I kinda think about "what if I knew before then" would I still even try to pursue him and I honestly don't really know. It's scary to think about leaving him and even he is petrified about the idea since he genuinely feels I'm the center of his life; the only person that reaffirms his masculinity and male identity. I more than ever want him to get therapy for this, because I'm starting to believe this isn't a gender identity issue, it's a self esteem issue.

[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 10 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

You might want to post this in /r/femaledatingstrategy (though prepare to be told to leave him by 99.999% of everyone who replies.) Unless you are ready to become a lesbian, I'm not sure how your relationship is supposed to work. Is this dude willing to become a gay man for you, if you discover tomorrow that you've been a softboi uwu this whole time, and a top?

Are you attached to HIM or are you attached to the 7 years you've had together that started in high school?

Will you be able to come to terms with the fact that his trans issue may never resolve itself and go away no matter how long you wait?

I'm sorry this is probably not the stuff you want to hear. You just want support, but it's so hard to support someone when the support involves helping gaslight the person into believing their situation might get better when it wont. You need to start thinking about a future that doesn't include him in your life, at least not as a partner, and most certainly not as a handmaiden while he continues his transition.

[–]buhnahnuhbr3ad[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh we definitely ran that scenario by when we were talking about me not being attracted to him as a woman and he rightfully understands. It's that weird childish mentality of "I want my cake and eat it too" vs the adult "you can't have everything" thinking that's at odds with him (and me too). I truly don't (and hope) think he wants to transition. He's told me multiple times that he enjoys being "my man" and wants to be that for me; I'm the only one who makes him feel masculine for once and I find that very telling that he needs therapy. I truly love him, he's amazing and smart and kind and everything I could've wanted in a guy. Yes, the 7 years makes this relationship feel permanent and intimidating to just leave it all behind. I get nervous and guilty for bringing his gender identity up again because it always ends with him being upset and I get it. He's trying to find himself and it's hard. But I think I need to have a talk with him again sometime and discuss our future with this. Thanks for replying.

[–]xanditAGAB (Assigned Gay at Birth) 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's fine to post this here, your just asking for opinions like anyone else. There's some good relies already, so I'll just state that if he is pressuring you to be attracted to him as a women, he's clearly showing he won't respect boundaries. Someone else's gender identity should dictate your sexual identity. If you want to stay with him you need to figure out what is causing these feelings, is it just cross dressing or is it really trans? Once he starts hanging out with the egg crowd he will start moving in that direction. I saw this awhile ago about a former autogynephilic guy... I thought maybe you could get something out of it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHLPk1JrPzQ&t=267s

[–]buhnahnuhbr3ad[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I really really think it's a self esteem issue and perhaps a bit of a kink. I ran the autogynephilic thing by him and he reacted neutral to it. I'm not sure if it offended him or he was actually considering it. As for the egg crowd, I do hope he hasn't been lurking around them, especially online. Not that I don't want him to be trans and that I hate them, I just think it isn't the solution to something deeper within him. But I suppose our friends and his time in San Francisco during college aren't opposing his gender either. Which speaking of, does make me nervous and trapped with all this because of our friends and how their views on T are, plus I'm certain a few of em could be under TRA by definition and how they act about pronouns and JK Rowling. I'll give the video a look, so thank you for the link.

[–]LiterallyawomanTERF IRL 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It’s never your duty to accommodate others above your own wants and needs. That’s not love. He doesn’t even respect that you have FEELINGS about him being a woman. He doesn’t respect how big this is for you. That’s not love.

Honestly just because you’ve been together since high school doesn’t mean you need to stick it out-there is a LOT of personal growth you both missed out on to be single in your formidable years, and I don’t just mean having sex or multiple partners. You don’t owe them your life and love is not about sticking it out that’s defeatist and not being true to yourself.

Maybe it’s be a good idea to focus on yourself and take a relationship break and figure out what YOU really want by dating yourself for a few months. Do you want “commitment” or do you want your partner to actually marry you, legally be bound to you and support you? Do you want to travel, to work on yourself and have hobbies and interests outside your partners?

Do you want children? What do you want their father to be like? If you don’t want kids what about your life-what are your aspirations? Surely not to just be a support system for your partner, love what they love, do whatever they ask and allow them to put you down for YOUR own gender identity and compatibility needs. Honestly this is like seeing many of my girlfriends getting divorced or breaking up right around 30-realizing it doesn’t matter how many years you’re with someone that doesn’t mean it’s a good relationship.

[–]indeepshadowsBi woman 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You said everything I was thinking of. Extremely well put.

Good luck, OP! I hope whatever you decide turns out to be the right choice. ❤️ You have my sympathy.

[–]buhnahnuhbr3ad[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I feel you've read me too well haha. It's true, I have been so accommodating to others. I've always told him that I wanted him to be happy with or without me and throwing my happiness away for others to be happy. I'm a people pleaser and he is too. I feel this situation is partly my fault, because I never really thought about myself and well, I hesitate to add this in but it is important, he knows I have a thing for trans women hentai and he's asked me why it's so different if he dressed up and still had his penis. I can say for myself that I can separate porn/fantasy from reality so naturally, I'm very much not attracted to actual trans women ( I honestly don't watch live action porn much at all) and with that, I feel I may have given him some "affirmation" that this relationship with him being gender fluid could work out and he gets upset/confused as to why I'm not attracted to him that way. I still love him and truly want what's best for him, so I'd want him to get therapy on this because I think he just has a kink for it plus self esteem issues on being desirable as a man. I've got some serious thinking to do and you're probably right that I need a break. Thanks for the reply.

[–]MyLongestJourney 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Run away girl and never look back,or you will end up like those women

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡ 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Wow, I had no idea it existed a site like this. I've heard several this type of stories on itsafetish before getting banned though.

EDIT: Omg, I'm reading one of the stories right now and in one of the stories: "One scenario, which was not in the book but he suggested, was for us to each dress up as sexy women and pretend we are lesbians." - FETISH ALERT ew.

EDIT 2: I keep getting so shocked. This was in another story: "She said I was a lesbian because I had fallen in love with a man with an inner feminine side. " WHAT THE F*CK

EDIT 3: "and my husband met someone online who shared his cross-dressing fantasies and convinced him to pursue a sex change (...) They even discussed murdering me." WHAAAAAAAAAT

[–]MyLongestJourney 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

There is a transwidows thread in mumsnet's feminist talk. I am still reeling from all the horrible things these narcissistic fucks put their devoted spouses and children through. And to add insult to injury they are attacked by TRA trash when they try to speak up about their abuse.

[–]Ossidiana 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Dump him. He's either a repressed gay or most likely an obsessive autogynephiliac. In both cases, he's not the man for you.

[–]buhnahnuhbr3ad[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I feel it's the latter honestly. And self esteem. I just want him to get some therapy more than anything.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It sounds like he has a cyclical mental illness. Get him to talk to a therapist if you can Sometimes identity fluctuates with certain types of depression or other personality related disorders. Definitely worth looking into

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

You should go with what makes you happy. But I feel the need to point out, you dating him after he transitions wouldn't make you gay either. I feel like straight women use "I'm not gay" as the politically acceptable excuse for not wanting to date a transwoman, but the truth is you don't want to date a man pretending to be a woman and that's fine.

No one who dates him will be in a lesbian relationship either. He's a man no matter what he does.

[–]buhnahnuhbr3ad[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, my father told me something similar. I'm always afraid of looking like a jerk and I always risk my wants/needs for someone elses. And you both are right; it's okay for me to not be attracted to certain things. It just feels unacceptable in this day and age nowadays.

[–]notdelusionalbased faggot 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

daunting, ridiculous, and outright overwhelming to conform to

It's pretty much just ridiculous and I do not conform to any of it.

duty to try to accommodate

Accommodating a neurosis is not helping anyone. You have a duty to take care of you.