The word "partner"

submitted by HelloMomo from self.LGBDropTheT

The word "partner" seems to be popular with the older crowd. Those in their 30s and younger usually relish saying "my wife" or "my husband" and say it every chance they get. (No shade! It's cute. Good for them. I like hearing them say it, I like seeing happy couples.) I wonder if part of it's appeal with older folks is because "partner" no only is ambiguous about sex, but it's also ambiguous about how committed the relationship is? Like when marriage wasn't available, but you wanted to distinguish between "we've been dating for 2 months" and "we've been together for 10 years"?

Lately, I've seen this weird inversion where straight people or queer people use the word "partner" to seem gay and disguise the fact that their lover is—in fact—of the opposite sex. Like I was reading this interview where Tamsyn Muir (best known for writing fantasy books about lesbians) said "spouse" and that seemed off to me, so I looked it up, and yeah, she's married to a man, though it seems like she's trying to keep that under wraps so it doesn't mess up her brand.

I'd like to hear you guys' anecdotes, and get a larger picture of how the word "partner" is being used.

ETA: yeah it's only about LGB rather than DropTheT, but s/LGB isn't up and running yet, so...

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[–][deleted] 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My woke friends use it (in straight relationships, was always straight) so I just don't like it too much.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

If I were unmarried but in a committed relationship, the word "partner" is a suitable term to apply to the man I’m committed to. We would have been together for too long for him to be my boyfriend, but we would not be married either, so calling him my husband would be dishonest. But if we were married, I’d call him my husband. Because we’re married, and because he’s a man. Referring to him as "RedEyedWarrior's" partner would come across as insulting to me because people who insist on using "partner" in lieu of "husband/wife" are trying to erode gender from society and I refuse to be a pawn in that disgusting agenda.

[–]markiemarcus 16 insightful - 3 fun16 insightful - 2 fun17 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

I'm mid 30s, gay and prefer the word partner. I think there's definitely a desire in some people to pretend like a homosexual marriage is exactly the same as its heterosexual counterpart, but it just isn't IMO. Not in a lesser way, just different. Partner, to me, is the definition of a loving, committed, long-term relationship and there isn't any ambiguity to it outside of paperwork.

"Straight people or queer people use the word "partner" to seem gay and disguise the fact that their lover is—in fact—of the opposite sex."

I've noticed this too. "Allies" looking for woke points IMO.

[–]reluctant_commenter 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Lately, I've seen this weird inversion where straight people or queer people use the word "partner" to seem gay and disguise the fact that their lover is—in fact—of the opposite sex.

Yes I have seen this many times. Reasons I have heard straight people use it:

  • it sounds more professional/serious than just "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" (which honestly seems like a good reason to use it)

  • TRA prescription: Trans rights activists encourage everyone to use sex-ambiguous language in general. Also to make it so that "partner" could mean a same-sex OR opposite-sex relationship, so that someone in a same-sex relationship could say "partner" and not have their sexual orientation immediately questioned. (Not sure how much this is actually effective at that goal.)

I don't mind it. Out of all the things trans rights activists push for, this seems pretty benign.

[–]HelloMomo[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, you're right. Straight people trying to make themselves seem gay ruffles my feathers, but you're right, it's ultimately pretty benign. Using sex-ambiguous language in general is largely a good thing.

[–]homosomes 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Doesn't Tamsyn Muir also market herself as a lesbian author and talk all about how she's a lesbian in interviews all the time? She has a lot of nerve to do that while being happily married to a man.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Married to a man? While a lesbian? She should just admit she’s bisexual or straight; either way, not a lesbian. Yeah, Philip Schofield is married to a woman despite being a gay man, but he married her for convenience or survival, not for love.

[–]PriestTheyCalledHimBisexual 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah she is not lesbian.

[–]EzukiRaen 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

I've noticed something similar.

Where I'm from, I've only ever heard people in same-sex relationships say "partner". In the UK, it seems like everyone uses it.

It was strange to get used to at first and it was like a fun guessing game: "Is this person dating a man or a woman"? Everyone I've met so far who's said "partner" was in a heterosexual relationship and the one gay man I've come across said "boyfriend". Now, if someone says "partner", I'm much more inclinced to think they're straight or in a heterosexual relationship. (Though, in hindsight, this could also be because I just haven't had too much interaction with local gay community.)

Also, I've heard people using "partner" often enough that I honestly can't tell if they're trying to be trendy or if this is just the new norm in the UK.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

Also a thing here in Ireland, where it’s not uncommon for opposite-sex couples to just live together and call each other their partner. When someone talks about his partner, it doesn’t indicate his orientation to me, but his marital status.

[–]emptiedriver 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

yeah, I'm bisexual and have lived with but not married people of both sexes. At a certain point after paying rent together, buying furniture or a car or a house, moving, going to family things together or hosting them, caring for a pet (or a child!), or generally sharing life for a long enough time it just starts to feel awkward to say boyfriend or girlfriend. "Partner" is the best option, and in some countries is recognized as a legal status. You might just be noticing it more because you're getting older and more people have settled down.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

In Ireland, cohabitation is increasingly more popular. It has had a legal status here since 2011, although married couples still get more rights in terms of taxation, immigration and inheritance. Previously, there were also no shared parental rights - if a mother and father were simply living together, the father would have had to file paperwork with consent from the mother of his children so that he could codify his rights to his children under law. This meant that if the mother died and her parents hated the father, they could take the kids from him because the law did not recognise the children as his own, unless he’d already established paternity over the children while the mother was alive. Thankfully, this changed in 2016 - since then, if the couple were living together for at least 12 months, then any child born into the relationship is the legitimate child of both the mam and the dad. The father has full legal rights and if the mother were to die, he gets sole custody. He still has to have lived with the mother for 12 months, including one moth after the child is born, to be the child’s legal father, which is ridiculous, but it still removes unnecessary bureaucracy and grants rights to the father and to his children. Also, cohabitating couples, same sex or opposite sex, have had the same adoption rights as married couples since 2017. In essence, if I want a man and to have children with him, I don’t need to get married as long as my partner is an EU citizen.

[–]reluctant_commenter 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

When someone talks about his partner, it doesn’t indicate his orientation to me, but his marital status.

Yeah exactly. I do not feel like it is a word being "co-opted" or stolen, in part because of this.

[–]slushpilot 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

What does "partner" indicate about marital status though? It does indicate a longer-term commitment, but it could be anything, really.

[–]KingDickThe2nd 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

In New Zealand the use of the term 'partner' would imply a "defacto relationship", which is a legally recognised relationship that is similar to the American concept of cohabitation (although with considerably more rights).

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

In Ireland, de facto partners also get rights, but they are limited to hospital visiting, social security rights, property ownership, domestic violence protections and some inheritance rights. De facto couples can also adopt since 2017 if they’ve been living together for at least three years, and they can foster children since the 1990's.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It indicates cohabitation, but not marriage. In Ireland you call the person you’re cohabitating with your domestic partner, life partner or just partner for short.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I am guilty of using "partner" to avoid outing my sexuality. Obviously saying "I want a girlfriend" would be a lie but I don't want people to know that I'm gay. So "partner" is an easy and, in my opinion, not suspicious way of dodging the topic, lol

(Please no pity responses. I'm not in "danger." My area is as liberal as a Californian university, I just prefer to stay hidden for personal reasons.)

[–]slushpilot 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think what bothers me about it is the same as with the surge of other recent "non-binary" words like sibling, themself, and so on—in order to be purposefully more vague when it's a definite person whose sex is absolutely known. I understand if I'm a stranger and you don't want to share anything about your relationship beyond just saying "my partner", but in any more personal conversations it's really kind of infuriating.

It feels as if the person saying it is asking me to pretend like I don't know who their partner is, and carries on being obtuse about it.

Also, go ahead and try describing any other family relation like aunt or uncle without using so many words to do it. We have perfectly good, specific words for human relationships like this. Use them!

[–]MarkJeffersonTight defenses and we draw the line 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

The response here seems to be mixed but I suppose I don't especially mind if people use it or not. Yes, many Kwirs use it for Kwir-specific reasons, but it has already long worked it's way into society's lexicon as a more general term for romantic relationships, so it doesn't exactly fool anyone anymore. I would like to go with "Husband" or "Wife" if married and out. But "Partner" or "Life Partner" would have to do if no other term fits. Just wish there was a better word than partner that couldn't mean so many other things...

Anyway, don't worry. Not everything has to be about the trans to qualify for discussion. In fact, I wish more wasn't.

[–]Constantine 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Ugh, the Tamsyn Muir thing drives me nuts. And she refers to her husband by some Internet username to further hide that he's a man, and she calls herself a lesbian.

Anyway, I've always heard partner used to mean a long-term, committed relationship where the two people live together, but aren't married for whatever reason. That's just always how I've heard it used, regardless of the sexes of the people involved. I know it used to be more of an LGB thing because of marriage laws, but I haven't noticed it being a "woke" thing for straight couples in my area. If anything, the people I know using that term are older, and not that woke, but just don't want to get married for whatever reason. I would want to use "partner" too if I were in a long-term relationship in which I lived with the person but we weren't married. Saying "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" would just seem too casual a term for that.

[–]Locke 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I've seen straight people using "partner" with the justification that it's to normalize the term, like "cis" people listing their pronouns. But... Should we normalize everything to the point where everyone is a homogeneous blob? I respect people's right to use the terms they choose but "partner" has always felt odd to me. It feels so... sterile. So matter of fact. I cringe a little at overly cutesy terms like "hubby" too, but I happily say "husband."

[–]panderichthys 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

To me the distinction between all the terms for your other half can be equated to, interestingly enough, the words for shit.

The aforementioned term is obviously more vulgar, "waste" and "excrement" too broad, "feces" too formal and "stool" too medical, and, to state the obvious, "poop/poo", while perfectly normal in everyday conversation, still has a juvenile twang to it. In short, for me there personally isn't one term for this enigmatic substance without clinical, vulgar, or otherwise unnecessary connotations.

To get back on track, "boyfriend/girlfriend" again sounds very much like what high schoolers would say (no shade to grown adults who use it — it's the connotations of the term that sour it for me), while obviously fiancé(e), husband/wife, and spouse have immutable definitions. I don't think many more labels for this type of relationship exist, and as an incurable romantic, the idea of someone being your "partner", whether in work, love, or life remaining unspecified, feels right to me. Therefore, in the context of LGB issues, I have no problem with straight people using it. (However, as a young'un I haven't really seen many of them try to pretend they're homosexual, so I wouldn't know what to make of that and indeed I don't as of now.)

[–]bopomofodojo 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think this is just another think coopted by woqueies to seem like they're part of the LGBTQ+++ community.

"Partner" makes perfect sense as another genuine relationship word. "Boy/Girlfriend" sounds juvenile and short-term (and has been repurposed especially among women to mean "close friend", i.e. "my girlfriends had a batchelorette party"), "Husband/Wife" requires marriage, but "partner" is a very valid description of someone who's in a long-term committed relationship without the marriage. That it's gender-neutral is just a plus, and is why it started being used in the LGB community, but now woquies use it intentionally for its gender-neutral-ness.

I'd expect older people use it for the convenience now that it's more accepted, but younger and woque people use it for the gender-neutral-ness first, especially for straight relationships.

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don’t have strong feelings about anyone using the word “partner” or not as long as they’re not doing it to appear in-group for personal gain when they’re not.

I was having a discussion with a lesbian couple about this the other day. One half is late 20s, the other is mid-30s. The younger one is big on saying “wife” and is all about viability and the older one prefers “partner.”

The younger one is very conventionally attractive and appears femme so I know she deals with people assuming she’s straight all the time and expressing incredulity that she’s actually gay, so I think this may be a factor for her. Ironically she is deep in the gender woo and identifies as non-binary though.

[–]panderichthys 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

To me the distinction between all the terms for your other half can be equated to, interestingly enough, the words for shit.

The aforementioned term is obviously more vulgar, "waste" and "excrement" too broad, "feces" too formal and "stool" too medical, and, to state the obvious, "poop/poo", while perfectly normal in everyday conversation, still has a juvenile twang to it. In short, for me there personally isn't one term for this enigmatic substance without clinical, vulgar, or otherwise unnecessary connotations.

To get back on track, "boyfriend/girlfriend" again sounds very much like what high schoolers would say (no shade to grown adults who use it — it's the connotations of the term that sour it for me), while obviously fiancé(e), husband/wife, and spouse have immutable definitions. I don't think many more labels for this type of relationship exist, and as an incurable romantic, the idea of someone being your "partner", whether in work, love, or life remaining unspecified, feels right to me. Therefore, in the context of LGB issues, I have no problem with straight people using it. (However, as a young'un I haven't really seen many of them try to pretend they're homosexual, so I wouldn't know what to make of that and indeed I don't as of now.)

[–]PeakingPeachEaterfemale♀ | detrans🦎 | eater of peaches 🍑 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I use it, because I have a child, not married and been with other half for a while now. I hate to say "BF/GF" because people won't take you as seriously unless you say "husband/wife". Also, some people don't believe in marriage so fiance/fiancée wouldn't work.

I use either partner/spouse and leave it at that.

Edit: Or even day "my man" or "my girl/lady"

[–]powpowpowpow 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Im straight and i prefer partner bc its shorter to write and say rather than boyfriend (when im speaking in english), i also prefer to just call him by name to ppl that already know he is my bf bc thats easier than to say "my bf that or this" so yea, just my 2 cents for you. I never knew there was a difference since english is not my mother language