Targeting / HarassmentTrans woman in real life is trying to date me after finding out I'm a lesbian

submitted by RedditHatesLesbiansHomosexual Not Queer from self.LGBDropTheT

This is basically my worst nightmare come true... For some reason, the card and board games club at my college is just full of gender specials. Probably because it's a nerdy interest? They play a lot of chess and magic the gathering, mainly, and meet in the school library at lunchtime twice a week. I used to go all the time before all this.

Some background, there's 12 people there in total and 3 of them are nonbinary females. Then there's also a transwoman, who is an awkward looking, around 6ft tall dude (unnecessary specification aha) in his teens. I'm 17 for reference and this is the UK so college is 16-24 as it doubles as a uni for some courses.

Let me clarify that before this I didn't ever speak to him outside of this club and I didn't know anything about him apart from the fact that he's trans, which he introduced himself as at the first meeting. He has long purple hair and wears make up and paints his nails, and wears skirts sometimes, but apart from that from what I can tell he isn't on Hormones or anything and he doesn't even shave properly. He basically just looks like a dude in lipstick.

Anyway, a few months ago one of my friends who also attends this club outed me as a lesbian when she made a too-loud joke about me not liking men, as a background. This is kind of irrelevant to the story and I'm not mad at her because our college really is very non-homophobic and since I'm out to most people and I didn't specifically tell her not to mention it around new people, I can't really complain. But I'm 100% sure he heard this joke and was eavesdropping or something because ever since then he began his quest of getting me to date him. It began by him constantly walking next to me when he saw me on the grounds, waving to me, saying hi whenever he sees me on the corridor, things like that. At first I just politely endured even though I really don't like him, but he seriously wasn't picking up my vibes and kept going up to me literally whenever he saw me to the point where I'd go out of my way to take different routes to classes so I wouldn't cross paths with him.

Well, a few weeks ago he ramped this level up by asking me for my number during one of the club meetings. I politely declined by saying I only give out my number to close friends. He said he wasn't looking to be close friends, and that he wanted to ask me out. At that point I very politely rejected him, saying I'm not interested and I'd appreciate it if he took "no" as an answer instead of seeing it as a challenge, because I wasn't going to change my mind.

Well... You can probably tell by how this is going that he didn't agree with that. The next thing that happened is that he added me on Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat. Which is weird as fuck, because there's no way he knows my surname. And I go by a nickname to basically everyone, a common nickname at that, even though my first name is kind of unusual, so I have no idea how he found me. I blocked him and a few days later I got more requests by an account without any followers and no pictures, so I blocked that account as well. I have no idea if it's still him but every week or so I now get friend requests requests from suspicious profiles when my Instagram and Facebook are both very private and low-key and I basically never use them, I never got friends requests on there before. He also started going around telling people that he's into me at school but that I won't date him because he's trans, even though I'm a lesbian. You can't make this shit up. We're in the same year so have a few mutual acquaintances and I've had them bring it up to me and thankfully they've all agreed that what's he's doing is weird and creepy.

Literally no one is taking him seriously but it's been giving me a lot of unnecessary attention and people who I would rather not have known about my sexuality now do know. He also still hasn't stopped trying to talk to me, even though at this point I've told him firmly to leave me alone, to stop talking to me, that I don't want to be his friend, that he's making me uncomfortable. What he does now is sit very close to wherever I'm sitting to eat lunch with my friends and watch me, very obviously, as I eat, the entirety of lunch time. If I tell him to stop staring at me he'll say "it's a free country, I can look where I like" so I just ignore him completely now, but I can't deny that it bothers me. It seriously bothers me. And I have no idea what to do.

I stopped attending the cards and board games club because I just can't deal with it anymore. I've thought about reporting him but my school is suuuuper into trans rights... It's a joke. There are posters on the walls about not telling students that they're in the wrong bathroom! I don't think they'd deal well with it at all. I have no idea how to act going forward and would really appreciate some input. If I'm being honest this is really impacting me negatively at this point. I feel so stupid for being out at all in the first place because I know he wouldn't have singled me out if he didn't know I'm a lesbian.

Anyway... Help

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[–]SkinnyVanilla 89 insightful - 1 fun89 insightful - 0 fun90 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Don't say anything about him being trans. Report him as a sexual harasser who is sexually harassing you persistently at school, and tell them you'd prefer that the school handle the sexual harassment quickly and appropriately so that you don't have to take it any further and turn it into a whole MeToo thing. You're being pursued by someone who is behaving like a stalker, and you should report and make it clear that you're documenting everything in case you need to take it to the police rather than school admin.

Oh, and if they ask to see anything that you've documented, you give them copies. You keep originals of everything.

[–]Amongstclouds 57 insightful - 1 fun57 insightful - 0 fun58 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Adding to this: use gender neutral language when making your report or their preferred pronouns. This way they can't say you're being transphobic.

[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 43 insightful - 10 fun43 insightful - 9 fun44 insightful - 10 fun -  (0 children)

Or better yet, be super-woke about it and report a 6-foot tall GIRL stalking you. If you're the wokest person in the room they'll have a harder time accusing you of being not-woke.

[–]upcomingDaddygay af 27 insightful - 2 fun27 insightful - 1 fun28 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

u/RedditHatesLesbians This is the right response. Don't pull any punches, institutions will protect themselves before they protect you. You need to make it very clear to the relevant people that if action is not taken, you will put them into a situation where they have to take action.

[–]Tikiri 64 insightful - 1 fun64 insightful - 0 fun65 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

You NEED to protect yourself! I’m old enough to be your mother, and there are few things I hate more than seeing or hearing about young women dealing with stalkers. Especially in this day and age, when indulging stalkers, if they’re trans, is considered to be defending their “human rights” or some kind of similar, dangerous bullshit.

The very first thing you need to do is get it out of your head that lodging a complaint about him will be ineffective because your school is full-on TRA. Fuck. That. Shit. Lodge a complaint! I can’t stress this enough. You may get blowback if you do, but if you don’t then this man can potentially harm you, or worse, and you won’t have any defense against it because you “never complained”. Seriously. This is how the system works, no matter whether you’re a lesbian, bisexual or straight woman. If you’re female, them’s the breaks. I have dealt with and taken classes, trainings on stalking and abuse, been in support groups for these issues, and I’m just telling you what I learned.

Second, DOCUMENT everything! Can’t stress this enough. Just write down, as briefly or in detail as you like or feel: date, time (doesn’t have to be to-the-minute)/time of day, location, and most importantly, how his actions and words made you feel. If it all dies down and he leaves you alone, then you can just put it away, but if not you have an invaluable resource!

Third, file a complaint. If not with your school, with your local police office. Explain what’s happening. Don’t feel scared to mention that he’s trans. Join the LGB Alliance. Ask around for good resources for what to do. This will establish the seriousness of your concerns. I know it sucks to jump through so many hoops to show that you’re scared of him, but again, this is sadly how it is for women everywhere.

Fourth, take a self-defense class. SOOOOO important for dealing with this kind of thing, whether from a trans stalker or any kind of stalker.

One other thing to keep in mind: he may very well tire of stalking you and turn his attention to some other girl. If she’s not firm in her boundaries as you are, she could get badly hurt, or worse. This person’s creepiness needs to be well-known, or he may get away with doing this to any number of women. If that happens, which I think is more likely than not, it will be good to have network of women who can speak out against him as there’s strength in numbers.

Good luck, and please keep us updated!

[–]RedditHatesLesbiansHomosexual Not Queer[S] 36 insightful - 1 fun36 insightful - 0 fun37 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

Thank you for this comment. I've told my lesbian friend to avoid him like the plague and not let him find out her sexual orientation, I'm really worried about him finding other people to victimise and doing the same thing. Will definitely document everything. I'm mostly scared of not being taken seriously, because he's not done anything violent or that "bad" (yet) and I don't want it to seem like I'm overreacting. But it's better to report it now as a preventative thing than waiting for it to maybe escalate, right? I don't want to exaggerate but this whole thing has genuinely made me feel unsafe at school. I mean I'm 5'2" and physically I'm no way his match, and I feel really intimidated because I know I couldn't defend myself if he actually tried something, and I get this panicky fight or flight response whenever I see him now like my instincts are telling me he's dangerous. Maybe it's just in head but my body is giving an intense fear response. I should carry around some pepper spray

[–][deleted] 31 insightful - 1 fun31 insightful - 0 fun32 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

This is a lesbian's worst nightmare. Sorry you have to deal with this. Reporting it as a stalker sounds like it might well be the best step to take as others have suggested.

I mean I'm 5'2" and physically I'm no way his match, and I feel really intimidated because I know I couldn't defend myself if he actually tried something

Don't underestimate yourself. In a fight, a lot of abusers expect to be the ones with the power, and are actually cowards the moment you show you won't let him fuck around with you and that you're willing to fight back. By showing you're not scared, you give yourself a mental advantage over him. Self defense classes are also a great idea.

Do you enjoy knitting? I would suggest faking taking up the hobby and carrying around some yarn and some long, sharp needles. A long sturdy needle in each hand makes an effective deterrent if he attacks you physically. If he really wants to touch, make it clear from that point you'll make it cost him. Spikes of that nature have a long history as a discreet but effective self-defense tool for women from ladies' hatpins to Chinese emeici, that doesn't require a lot of raw physical strength to inflict a lot of pain or damage like a club would be. Pepper spray requires hitting one specific point, the face, whereas a needle in the arm, leg, or hand will be very effective as a chance to escape, and pepper spray can accidentally be blown back into your face by the wind, etc, and carrying around your knitting is something that lets you discreetly carry something for self-defense whereas you likely run into legal issues with pepper spray or a proper knife. The needles can also be thrown if need be. In order to cover yourself legally, do not admit to anyone the reason you're carrying them; as far as anyone knows and if anyone asks, you're now very fond of knitting.

Obviously, protect yourself legally by not resorting to anything physical or even showing you have a weapon unless you're in danger (he corners you alone in an alley, he puts his hands on you, he has a weapon).

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 14 insightful - 4 fun14 insightful - 3 fun15 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

I think these type of weapon that can cut people and require very close contact can backfire against the user

[–]Tikiri 28 insightful - 1 fun28 insightful - 0 fun29 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You’re very welcome! All these tips I gave are things I learned in my previous classes and groups about abusive behavior. I had no idea what to do in such situations, and I don’t think most women do.

And trust me, he will move on to other women, especially lesbians! These kinds of people always do. Sometimes they do this to multiple women at the same time.

And TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! Your whole body and mind are trying to tell you something, that this man is dangerous. And never forget, especially in the UK, that if he “comes out” as trans and claims to be a woman, he will (if he doesn’t already) have access to you and other women in bathrooms, locker rooms, even female-only swimming ponds. That’s why I think it’s good for people to know what he’s really like.

Have you read a book that came out some years ago, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence, by Gavin de Becker? I highly recommend it! It’ll reassure you about the validity and crucial importance of what you’re sensing.

[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 21 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 0 fun22 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I hate saying this, but if violence happens, grab him by the girl dick, squeeze and twist. Squeeze them shits like you're trying to make his balls explode.

[–]marmorsymphata 19 insightful - 4 fun19 insightful - 3 fun20 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Guide to kicking stalkers in the balls

[–]fuckupaddamsBisexual Terve 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Carry that pepper spray and don't undermine your gut reaction and instincts

[–]TheBeefBenson 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It's the UK. You can't get pepper spray.

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I've got a tiny travel can of aerosol deodorant, fits in the palm of my palm, and I have that on hand if I'm walking alone at night.

[–]TheBeefBenson 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You can legally carry a folding knife in the UK, without having to provide a reason for carrying it, as long as the blade is under three inches, it doesn't have a locking mechanism (not including finger locks - where the blade can't shut because your finger is safely stopping it), it isn't disguised as anything else, and now with the ban on "zombie knives" doesn't have any violent words, symbols or pictures drawn on it (yes the UK offensive weapons bill is actually that absurd). Now you might not necessarily be able to take it everywhere you like but if found all the police can do is take it from you. It's not an offense to carry it.

I would also not recommend carrying it unless you would be actually prepared to use it. Brandishing it and not using it is potentially as dangerous as not having it all. However, a quick slash to the face will probably accomplish what you need it to. But I would routinely practice those moves along with taking up mixed martial arts (grappling, striking and kicking). Don't bother with "self defense". There is no defense. You're either learning to fight or you're learning to pretend to fight. If you're learning to fight learn styles that people consistently need to win with in a competitive environment.

Tactical pens, that come with tungsten glass breakers at one end, are also available because it is after all just a pen.

As to prosecution... There was a case about a year ago where an inebriated woman, for absolutely no reason (as confirmed by cctv and numerous eye witnesses including other woman) glassed a man in the face in a bar in the UK. As heinous as the act was and even though it was her second offense for a similar violent act she didn't even have to serve any time in prison. She was let off with a small fine. Now, although I don't agree with the leniency this clearly dangerous woman was treated with, it goes to show that the courts are not keen on sentencing women for violent acts against men at all. A violent act against a man, even with a weapon, where there is no evidence to prove you were the unprovoked aggressor, and where you provide testimony arguing that you believed you were facing an imminent threat of a violent sexual assault (you don't even need to have been attacked, just that your average person can see why you thought you were going to be attacked), will mostly not lead to any prosecution.

And even if you are prosecuted and sentenced, it's women's prison, you'll be ok.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡ 41 insightful - 1 fun41 insightful - 0 fun42 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Jesus, I'm so sorry. The amount of stories I've read similar to yours is shocking. It's pretty clear that trans women are looking SPECIFICALLY for lesbians. Not straight women, not bi women, not "queer women" not even pan women. They're clearly AGP and fetishize lesbians and as soon as they find one they become obsessed to satisfy their fetish. It's sickening. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. But I'm glad at least your friends support and agree with you.

[–]RedditHatesLesbiansHomosexual Not Queer[S] 34 insightful - 1 fun34 insightful - 0 fun35 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

That really sucks that you've read similar stories so many times, it's dreadful. People like him are so obviously mentally ill but no one wants to address the elephant in the room. It feels almost like when men would try to convert lesbians and say they just haven't found the right dick yet - only now the argument is that I should date a male BECAUSE I'm a lesbian, not because I'm secretly not or because sexuality is fluid. It makes it so much worse. He literally showed absolutely zero interest in me before finding out, probably even negative interest tbh. Other lesbians should be wary when interacting with trans women in any context

[–]RealCubeDreamer 23 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 0 fun24 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I couldn't agree more. I joined a lesbian choir that soon got infested with these horrible men, to a one mentally ill. Then I joined two women's choirs that have not a single trans natal male. These men are very specifically seeking anything lesbian that they can be a part of and younger women are infuriatingly open to letting them in.

[–]hufflepuff-poet 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Ughhh a lesbian choir would be my dream!! Gahh I wish I lived in a time with a thriving lesbian social scene, I'm gonna do my damnedest to build these spaces for myself and the lesbians who come after me!

[–]reluctant_commenter 30 insightful - 1 fun30 insightful - 0 fun31 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Okay, first things first:

  • You are not "stupid" for being out about your sexuality. I promise. Ideally we should all be able to be out and not have to fear harassment or retaliation.

  • It is awesome that you are asserting your boundaries with this guy and taking steps to protect yourself and respect what you're not comfortable with (telling him "no" politely, blocking him when you were uncomfortable with his advances, etc.).

  • The behavior that you've described constitutes stalking. I'm serious-- you said no directly and politely to him at least twice, and instead of respecting your boundaries, he doubled down with the clear and explicit intention of wanting to date you.

What I would suggest doing:

  • As others have suggested-- if you ask for help from the school, I would not mention his being trans or your sexual orientation. Those facts could bias them against you. I would just stick to the facts: "Hey, X person asked me out, I politely said no, he refused to take no for an answer and now keeps following me at lunch, trying to add me on social media, and pressuring me to date him. I feel really pressured to date him even though I don't want to." (With "she" pronouns, of course.)

  • That said, I do think it might be good to ask for help from the school, if you are up to it-- it might be worth the effort of stopping this guy's behavior before it gets any worse. Do you have any trusted friends, adults, or family members who might support you through this, at least to confide in?

  • Worst comes to worst.... if a school official, for some crazy reason, heard the rumor "she won't date me because she's lesbian and refuses to date a trans person," you could just say: "I'm not lesbian, I just don't want to date (her)!" It's not like the school can insist "Oh you are a lesbian!" I hate to suggest going into the closet but, the option is there if you need it-- and it makes this transwoman's lie look even more silly and baseless than it is.

Will you be at this school for a while, and stuck with this guy for a while?

Just curious, how old is this guy? If he is legally an adult, he could potentially get in even more trouble for this. (Not sure what country you're in.)

[–]emptiedriver 29 insightful - 1 fun29 insightful - 0 fun30 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don't think you should be worried about reporting this person because they are trans. The information you are stating is specific and would be damning whatever sex, gender or orientation the person was. Use the polite pronouns, refer to the person as a trans woman, use their name and get it on the record.

[–]GreykittymommaMagical lady 💜 27 insightful - 2 fun27 insightful - 1 fun28 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Sorry this is not ok. Do keep us updated this guy seems like a nutter. I don't mind trans folks in general but ones who make their entire personality about gender expression are crazy.

I see trans folks coming for gay men and lesbians constantly. As a bisexual I'm sympathetic but am not what they are after. Even if I'm NOT usually attracted to trans bodies.

I love men and women, even androgynous folks but a hyper feminine lady with a penis or a manly looking bloke with a vagina just hit me differently. I'm sure given very specific circumstances I could date a trans person or find them attractive but that isn't what they want either.

I'm getting tired of this. Yeah man I'm bi and never got the ladies I liked either and guess fucking what? I didn't pressure them to like me or even come out to them if I knew I wasn't their type to be honest. I've liked straight girls and gay guys and guess what that didn't work either and I didn't BLAME them for fucks sake!!

I wish you the best of luck. We are fighting back. I personally am sticking up for my homosexual friends out there. Their sexuality isn't up for debate. Equal rights do not mean special rights or taking away the rights of others.

Everyone at your school indulging this abuse should be fucking ashamed! You are a brave young woman I hope you shake this creep before he does something seriously insane.

[–]censorshipment 23 insightful - 6 fun23 insightful - 5 fun24 insightful - 6 fun -  (0 children)

Sounds like a rapist. My advice will be useless to you because I live in an area where it's okay to be "transphobic"... to legitimately be afraid of a man larping as a woman and having people to tell him to fuck off on a frightened woman's or girl's behalf. If my niece were being harassed, my butch ass would go into full tərf mode.

[–][deleted] 25 insightful - 1 fun25 insightful - 0 fun26 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I agree with the other commenters who say report him but use his preferred pronouns in the report to keep yourself safe.

I've been stalked before, more than once. Keep a paper trail of everything. Catalog every time he's tried to contact you, what he said, and on what platform (text, facebook, instagram, etc). The more information you have regarding his behavior the better.

This is not your fault. This is 100% on him and has nothing to do with the fact that you're out. His lesbian fixation is not your responsibility to help him manage, and you did not make yourself a target. He made himself a predator. He's doing this on purpose because he knows he can get away with it.

He also started going around telling people that he's into me at school but that I won't date him because he's trans, even though I'm a lesbian.

That right there tells me he planned on starting a rumor that you're transphobic and essentially forcing you to date him. Truly vile. He's a rapey piece of shit. If someone tries to question you about it just say 'I'm not interested in every woman I see and (she's) just not my type. (She's) being very creepy and aggressive and I'd like for the school to handle this like any other stalking/harrassment case.'

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 23 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 0 fun24 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I agree with the comments who say you should file a complaint with the school. Even if they don’t take it seriously at first, it sets a precedent and builds up a case. If he persists on harassing you, file a complaint against him again. It makes your case stronger. Besides, eventually this head case is going to harass some other woman, who could file a complaint. And the fact that you’ve already filed a complaint will make it easier for her to get something done about this dude. And even if nothing gets done about it, at least you filed a complaint. Because if you don’t file a complaint, and later down the line he assaults you or even rapes you, the authorities will have a harder time prosecuting him if you’ve never filed a complaint against him. So file that complaint. Go along with the fact that he’s a "woman", because you don’t want to shoot yourself in the foot. And whatever you do, do not exaggerate.

Does your family know that you’re a lesbian? And if they do know, did you tell them about your predicament with that creepy fella? If they know and they support you, it makes it easier to deal with this creep. Consider taking up martial arts, like karate or judo.

On a final note, you’re not stupid. It’s not your fault that society has become so unhinged and degenerate to a point where it entertains the delusions of some mentally ill man who thinks he’s a woman. Yes, be careful who you come out to, but you and your friends probably would have been more careful had you and your friends known that trans identified individuals can do whatever they want. And there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian.

[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 23 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 0 fun24 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Okay. YOU ARE IN DANGER. This man does not give a shit about consent and he will sexually assault you if he gets the chance. Don't ever be alone on campus, always stay somewhere safe and crowded. REPORT HIM!!!

When you report, play the woke game. Report a 6 foot tall woman is stalking you. Like everyone said, document everything. You are also considered underage in America. Is this not true in UK as well? Don't you get special protections from being under-18? If this trans is over 18, I think that will go in your favor. Also mention that you've been told to go to the police, and that you feel very unsafe <--- fancy woke word that wokesters understand.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Like, I wish I could be over there right now and scream at this guy in front of everyone on your behalf. I'm not anyone's mother but somehow I'm in mama-bear mode anyway. This is NOT okay!

I know it sucks but I urge you to also consider the possibility of switching schools. This guy has a mental illness and has become obsessed with you. I don't know if what the school does (or doesn't do) will be enough to keep him away when he's already stalked you enough to find your social media accounts.

I'm so sorry! Be safe! Can you tell your friends how scared you are? I can see that they are just trying to kind of not worry about the problem and trying to no take it seriously because a) it's so weird and random and b) they have no idea what to do with this mess, and c) "it's not happening to me, LOL" but really it's not okay that this guy can just slobber all over you in public and no one does anything.

[–]hufflepuff-poet 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

So fucked up how little our world cares about women, especially lesbians. she shouldn't have to switch schools cus some man thinks he can "turn a lesbian" by being a delusional man who larps as a woman. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP!

Please report "her" first (play the woke game to protect yourself) and see what your school does before you consider anything as drastic as changing schools :( None of this is ok and I hope he gets bored and goes away soon so you can have a normal college experience! So sorry you had to quit your club because of his manipulative bullsh*t..

[–]Sunflowerdevyl 21 insightful - 5 fun21 insightful - 4 fun22 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

"Ya know, women have always taken no for an answer. Maybe you should try acting more like a woman."

[–]julesburm1891 22 insightful - 2 fun22 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

Start carrying mace if that’s legal in the UK. I had a guy (minus the trans issue) do the exact same thing to me once and, I promise you, the crazy can ramp up really fast.

As much as you don’t want to do it, you need to talk to someone at your school about your concerns. You need this at the very least to build a record of his behavior. Once you have the record established and he keeps doing this, the school has better grounds to discipline and/or expel him. He’s not going to stop after you go to the school. He might even ramp up the pursuit. But, not stopping is what will get his ass handed to him. Remember he’s also not going to stop if you don’t do anything. AND he’s probably going to do this to other women if no one stops him.

I wouldn’t bring the trans thing into it at all. Play pretend that he’s a woman in any conversation you have with anyone from your school. Just reiterate that you’ve firmly told him no several times, he won’t relent, and it’s making you very uncomfortable. If, god forbid, someone asks if it’s because he’s trans say no, that you just don’t like him, and you find his reaction to facing rejection disturbing.

[–]RedditHatesLesbiansHomosexual Not Queer[S] 19 insightful - 2 fun19 insightful - 1 fun20 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Mace is illegal, just checked :/

I'm definitely going to tell someone after all these comments... They've made me realise its more serious than I thought. I'm so used to having this sort of thing dismissed, tbh, and told it's not a big deal and I should ignore it. Not relating to a situation like this but relating to creepy men being creepy in general. I've always been encouraged to ignore cat calling, let men down easy, even go on dates just to be nice so I guess because of that socialisation I'm more accepting when I should have probably reported this weeks ago.

[–]julesburm1891 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Look into whatever UK legal self defense options there are and get it.

The guy who did this to me in grad school was a straight guy who was convinced he could turn me. I didn’t want to get anyone from the university involved and it quickly progressed to him stalking me at work, attempting to break into my flat, and renting the flat whose window was directly across from mine.

When I did get the university involved at that point, there were police reports and reports from professors who were concerned. The school said they’d expel him if he came within 300 feet of me on school property. I had to get a restraining order to cover off school times.

But, for reals, don’t fuck around with it. These type of guys are actually fucking crazy and it won’t fizzle out.

[–]Beryl 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I'm so sorry. Always keep some mace in your handbag.

[–]fuckupaddamsBisexual Terve 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm seriously concerned about your safety here. This is really reminding me of the Stephen McDaniel murder, even though he wasn't trans what you described here is so similar to how we was acting before he murdered that girl he was obsessed with. Report him, don't mention he's trans just mention the social media stalking, following you, not taking no for an answer, the staring, etc. At least if you go missing they'll know who to suspect..... Not to be scary but seriously. Good luck.

[–]SnowAssMan 18 insightful - 2 fun18 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Can't he just bully a straight girl into identifying as bi like the rest of them do?

Too bad your rejection wasn't simply: I'm a lesbian.

[–][deleted] 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You have to report that shit. Being trans does not give him any excuse for being a creepy bastard. Just be mindful of how you refer to him around others.

[–]Lilith_Fair 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I usually only lurk here but I feel compelled to suggest: Is it possible to bypass the school and file a complaint with the police? If anything, you can have something on record. Police can't play politics like the school might.

[–]chazzstrong 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

If you were in the US, I'd tell you to buy a gun, learn how to shoot it, and firmly explain to this dude that you are only interested in biological women. Unfortunately in the UK you can't buy guns, and that statement would probably get you sent to jail, so yeah...

[–]PeakingPeachEaterfemale♀ | detrans🦎 | eater of peaches 🍑 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sounds like many users have already provided good advice, so I would like to provide some resource(s) to add on to that.

If you feel like you need someone in real life to talk to, there is an online chat and phone# to call For victims of stalking and harassment in the UK.

There's also this link called Stalking and Harassment | Legal Guidance that goes into the legalities and definition of stalking and harassment. Plenty of resources also nested within the link if you go to the Victim & Witness Support and Safety section.

Sorry you have to deal with this by the way! This situation can be very scary and overwhelming to deal with. I've had a couple of stalkers in the past...so I no longer use any type of social media and hardly have a presence online. Anyways, please keep us updated, want to make sure you're good and safe. Also, don't hesitate to reach out for help! It can be stressful to tackle this alone.

[–]usehername 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Report him for harassment and stalking. I think the other posters are right in telling you to use she/her when reporting to cover your ass.

[–]FediNetizenSuper-semi-bisexual (i.e. straight) 9 insightful - 6 fun9 insightful - 5 fun10 insightful - 6 fun -  (1 child)

Next time he contacts you online send him this

[–]PenseePansyBio-Sex or Bust 7 insightful - 3 fun7 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

OMG this is brilliant! It needs to go viral! ESPECIALLY among the trans-fanatics!

Maybe it could FINALLY get through to them, what with the catchy song parody, and cute imagery? Kinda like Sesame Street for SJWs...?

Plus: particularly as a bearer of the ol' pink-lavender-and-blue myself... love your flair :)

[–]sadbihours 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Please report him because this behavior is inappropriate. As everyone else says just mention this student is stalking you and use their correct pronouns so they can’t make it out that you are transphobic. I hope things get better for you. Sending you love from the US.

[–]insta 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

For some reason, the card and board games club at my college is just full of gender specials.

Don't you guys have a LGBT club or something? My board game club was full of dorky engineering students (myself included).

[–]BigMommyMilkersYes, they're real 8 insightful - 3 fun8 insightful - 2 fun9 insightful - 3 fun -  (2 children)

Tell him to fuck off? I’ll never understand why some people tip toe around the feelings of a pervert harassing them.

[–]censorshipment 12 insightful - 7 fun12 insightful - 6 fun13 insightful - 7 fun -  (1 child)

I didn't understand this either until I realized size matters. OP mentioned dude's height being 6ft, so she's likely a small teen (she's 17) who fears big dudes. So fear is blocking her ability to say fuck off.

[–]QueenOfTheNorthSuperLesbian 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm 5'2" and this dude towers over me. I've rejected him firmly but I don't want to risk violence or any kind if I resort to that, I don't care about his feelings but he's clearly unstable. I know I should probably be firmer but I think lodging a complaint is safer, even if I did tell him to fuck off that probably won't do anything and he might move on to other victims, too.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No time to read all the comments except to emphatically agree this is 1. illegal (I would assume, in the UK, this very well meets a harassment or stalking definition, like it does here in the US), and 2. needs to be dealt with. Bluntly, this guy (you will of course not call him that) needs to get started on having that criminal record he so richly deserves.

Also, some video of him trying to force himself into your space might be useful, should it happen that you can be "holding your phone" with video running just in case he catches up to you while you are in transit on foot. I have found it very easy to take video without anyone realizing it with my phone right out in front of me as long as they don't see the screen, if I just act like I'm absent-mindedly holding it against my chest (not looking at it after being sure it's running, etc.). Be careful, of course. (Or heck...get a body cam / GoPro type camera. There is at least one app designed to stream video to another location during an incident but I have not read up on them in a year or two—worth investigating. A copy being created elsewhere at the same time could be useful if it's easy to make happen.)

This guy needs what's coming to him. All of them do who stalk and harass like this. Help him out. He wants a criminal record—give it to him if the avenue to do so safely presents itself. If he's going to follow women around, the fact that he does so should follow HIM around.

[–]Seahorse 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sorry you're going through this.

I've noticed these men tend to get absolutely obsessive, I've heard a lot of handmaidens shit on JK Rowling but then tell me all "women" they've had get obsessed with online dating were transwomen.

I would report him for sexual harassment, have your mates back you up.

[–]GConly 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

He's stalking you. Report him, omit the trans stuff.

See if you can prove the attempts to stalk you on social media are him. Helps to make your case.

[–]PenseePansyBio-Sex or Bust 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

  • Would it be possible for you to get a lawyer (solicitor)? It might help to have someone who can advise you on your legal rights here, and represent your interests. The prospect of a lawsuit could "persuade" your school to do the right thing. I realize that you're only 17; maybe this is something that your family could help you with?
  • Others have already suggested that, rather than trying to deal with this through your school, you might want to go directly to the police. All I would add here is to keep in mind that the police are law enforcement; if no actual laws are involved-- it's not a matter of a crime or misdemeanor-- they can't really do anything; that's where getting your school to address it might be the better option (they have no such restrictions).
  • Related to both of the above: you might want to look into whether there are any laws against "stalking" where you live, and, if so, how this is defined. Sounds to me like this man's actions may well qualify.
  • As per Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear (which, along with other commenters, I'd recommend that you read, if you haven't already), don't respond to this man directly again, in any way whatsoever. Not that I think you WANT to, god knows-- of course your wish has always been to have nothing to do with him-- but just in the sense of telling him "no" and to leave you alone. De Becker emphasizes that you must only say these things ONCE, clearly and firmly (as you have done); repeating them counts as an interaction, which is exactly what he wants from you, and will only encourage him. I realize that he's making it as difficult as possible for you to stick to this; that's what stalkers do. Perhaps you could turn this to your advantage by citing de Becker to your school, and explaining that you can't keep telling this guy to back off (since that's guaranteed to have the opposite effect), so THEY have to do it. (Plus, if they don't, you'll have no choice but to get the police involved, and/or take legal action...)
  • Have you considered getting a restraining order against him? Don't know whether that's a possibility, but seems like it could be appropriate in this situation.
  • This one is a long shot, obviously, but: you might see if you could tap into some self-policing. Like, put it out there that a "transbian" is behaving in just the sort of way that plays right into TERF hands! Oh noes! "She"'s personally lending credence to all those "cotton ceiling" accusations, and giving "transwomen" a bad name! Making it look as though "this never happens" is a LIE! Sabotaging/betraying the entire movement! Encouraging "transphobia"! For the good of all trans people, a traitor like THAT really needs to be called out...
  • Could you get any of your friends to intervene? I know that you said nobody's taking him seriously, but maybe if you told them what a bad effect this is having on you, and how experts (like de Becker) recommend handling it, they might come around? Being able to convey your "no" indirectly (so this, rather than more contact with you, is all he ever gets) might really help. As would other people (like them) putting pressure on him-- via public disapproval of his behavior-- to get lost.
  • Finally, please don't forget to look after yourself, in terms of getting the emotional support that you (understandably) need. Perhaps counseling might be a good idea? Someone to help you manage the stress that you're under thanks to this creep? Maybe work with you on strategies for dealing with the situation?

And, just as a reminder: none of this is your fault. You've done nothing wrong by coming out. And you've handled a very difficult (and very unfair) situation in a far more mature, responsible fashion than any of the adults around you. You haven't got anything to be ashamed of. Only he, and the people enabling him (by supporting this misogynistic, homophobic genderist garbage, and/or looking the other way), do.

Keep us posted, OK? We're rooting for you :)

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Update?