DiscussionHow would you react to someone telling you "I'm surprised you're gay, I never would have guessed"?

submitted by reluctant_commenter from self.LGBDropTheT

Had a straight friend tell me this the other day. I wasn't really sure what to say. I guess he might have been surprised because I don't really talk about it much, compared to many self-identified "LGBTQ" people in my area (I tend to talk a lot about hobbies/work, and I'm single anyway so apart from politics or TQ nonsense it doesn't come up much). I wondered if I should be more upset, but honestly, if I were straight (and/or didn't realize how homophobic the TQ+ movement is) I probably would have reacted similarly when finding out a friend is LGB, too.

What do you tend to think or feel when someone tells you this?

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[–]ChunkeeguyTeam T*RF Fuck Yeah 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I've had it many times in one form or another but then I'm often surprised myself to find out people are gay or lesbian. And occasionally I'm surprised to find people I thought were gay or lesbian are in fact not.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I don't think much of this. I'm already an anomaly and always have been, one way or another. So I just figure if someone didn't expect it, then I'm performing the public service of having opened their minds a bit. I'm used to being in that role and sort of enjoy it. I like helping people cut the crap in their own heads.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡ 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I have the same opinion as you!!

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

That's a good way to think about it :) that was kind of what I was wondering. I have heard some people suggest that this type of comment is a massive cause for offense, though, so I guess I was wondering if it was strange that I felt otherwise.

I like helping people cut the crap in their own heads.

That's a good way to put it. We all as humans are likely to make unfounded assumptions at one point or another, and it just so happens that straight people are likely to make some about gay/bisexual people (probably all the more likely to if they have no friends and/or family who are gay/bisexual).

[–]Beryl 11 insightful - 2 fun11 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

"Thank fucking god" at this point, honestly. As long as I don't get lumped in with the crazies, I'm happy.

[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Same here.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

That's fair, haha. I hope my friend is able to see that people could be gay/bisexual and look, act, and sound absolutely nothing like with the popular stereotypes proliferated by media outlets (often so-called "progressive" outlets that are homophobic, like Pink News).

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Homosexuals are 5% of the population at best. It’s natural a lot of people are going to assume you are straight unless you say or show otherwise. In fact, I get surprised when I find out that another person is gay, even though I know that gay people exist, and I’m gay. However, I don’t interact with other gay people that much, and if you don’t interact with gay people much, it might take you by surprise if you find out someone is gay.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

A very good point, and worth keeping in mind even if it should seem obvious. To some degree, it just comes down to statistics. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[–]julesburm1891 8 insightful - 4 fun8 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 4 fun -  (1 child)

In the past, I would just say “omg I never guessed you were straight” for the sass. (I always hated the implication that being LGB meant you were some kind of noticeable freak.)

Now, I just have an internal moment of “alright I do not appear to the world as a blue-haired SJW desperate for attention.”

It’s such a fraught situation that depends a lot on who’s saying it and why. On one hand you have people who definitely mean it as “wow you’re normal and I see LGB people as very abnormal.” On the other hand, you have people who mean it as “you don’t conform to whatever stereotypes I have in mind about LGB people and now I’m reflecting on why I have those stereotypes.”

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It’s such a fraught situation that depends a lot on who’s saying it and why. On one hand you have people who definitely mean it as “wow you’re normal and I see LGB people as very abnormal.” On the other hand, you have people who mean it as “you don’t conform to whatever stereotypes I have in mind about LGB people and now I’m reflecting on why I have those stereotypes.”

EXACTLY. I think this is why I am hung up over it, you articulated the issue really well. I feel disturbed because some people really do seem to have the mentality of, "Oh, you're LGB? I assumed you were normal," whereas other people are more like, "Oh, I didn't realize you were LGB because I just assumed otherwise, and I maybe don't have enough experience with LGB people to have ever considered before what 'gay' is supposed to look like or whatever."

In the past, I would just say “omg I never guessed you were straight” for the sass. (I always hated the implication that being LGB meant you were some kind of noticeable freak.)

Hahahaha, tempted to steal that response, that's great. But I also don't want to stamp out a potential moment of learning for someone, so maybe not.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. :)

[–]fuck_reddit 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Ive had people say that to me a fair bit and my friends and I just get a good laugh out of it. I dont think it’s anything really pernicious. Ive never been treated any different by any of the people that have said that to me.

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I had this experience when I visited Minneapolis, I asked a gay guy in a general ~queer~ bar about any other bars, he said pretty scruffy “I don’t know” so then I asked about any lesbian bars, he looked at me surprised and said “so you’re a lesbian?” I said yeah and he went “ohh thank god, I thought you were a straight girl!” and then gave me all the details, lol. I was like wow, this dude obviously has had some shitty experiences with straight women. That was a few years ago. I remember him fondly sometimes, I wonder if he’s a “drop the TQ+” type now lmao

But anyways it’s mainly other LGBs who tend to be surprised I’m a lesbian, honestly. Lots of butch girls which sucks when I’m explicitly trying to flirt with them. Sad

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Damn, that sucks that he probably had to deal with some bullshit. And also that you have that issue when trying to flirt with people. I'll be honest, for most women I would probably have no clue if they were flirting with me...

Still haven't been to one of those mythical lesbian bars but maybe one day, lol.

[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I've had kind of the opposite experience since getting more comfortable with my same sex attraction and how I express myself generally. My own mother thought I was a lesbian at one point and others who don't know me are often surprised to learn that I'm attracted to men. I guess because I don't 'look' straight.

Regardless though, I hate it a lot. Someone making assumptions about me based on how I look (especially when they're wrong) really rubs me the wrong way, and that includes assuming I'm gay. Because that means they think gay has a 'look', just like people who subscribe to sexist stereotypes think womanhood has a 'look'. People making unfounded assumptions about me based on my sex is one of many reasons I identified as trans for several years, so there's a bit of a sore spot when people do the same thing to me based on other aspects of my appearance. I understand that humans are gonna human and that as humans we often make judgements based on little information all the time. But there's a difference between Being A Human and needlessly boxing people in a particular category based on your own projections.

If it stopped at 'oh I didn't know you were bi. That's cool' I'd be fine with that. But usually the other person makes a huge deal over it. 'WOOOW. I'd have NEVER guessed! I could've sworn you were a lesbian!!' Irritating. Every time.

[–]MarkJeffersonTight defenses and we draw the line 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Years after the fact, my straight friend said he thought I was gay when he first met me. I could probably follow up on that if I had the heart to, because I don't know how exactly I'd given that impression. Of course they're the type to be highly sensitive to perceiving any masculine or feminine leanings(or even compensation) in other people and himself, so maybe it was more a subtle behavior thing on my part. Also, he's completely dichotomous with the gay/straight thinking. He said privately he thought my other friend's brother was gay and a year later it came out that the brother wanted to trans, so maybe there is something to his 'gaydar', or at least 'gendar'.

I'm relatively absent-minded myself and normally don't notice this stuff at all until someone calls my attention to it. We all have particular things about people we pay attention to and the presentation of sexual orientation isn't one of mine's.

Also, because I more recently complained about the LGBTQ+ situation with one of my family members, it confirms something they probably already suspected for a long while. I'll have to set the record straight on that eventually. I just have prepare for some potential domino effect that I can't control. Prepare to expect some dumb stuff coming from my more tactless relatives.

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

As a general matter, I no longer get upset about this, and I have a lot to say about this subject because I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately but because I’m short on time, I will focus on one aspect of this.

Basically, this is my life. But notably I get this from a lot of gay people all the time and I’ve had my own surprises with others so I try not to get over-zealous and dogmatic about it. I think it’s a good example of where a lot of so-called LGBT people don’t hold themselves to the same standards as they hold others, especially straight people. So I think intention is everything.

But my experience is that if I’m in a gay bar, unless I’m physically all over another woman, I’m going to get questioned if I’m gay, whether it’s to my face or not. And I don’t even necessarily mean in an aggressive “you don’t belong here kind of way.” I even get presumed to be not gay sometimes, including by servers. This happened the other week when I was at a gay bar with the woman I’m seeing (who is much more obviously gay and gets presumed gay) and her straight female BFF. And the server clearly assumed I was straight.

And honestly I have the same thoughts about other women I meet. I’ve been surprised a lot. Some women I have to observe more to try to feel that out even when in a gay bar. And sometimes I still have no idea. I think being surprised someone is gay is normal and materially different then acting like they can’t be gay because they don’t fit into your stereotypes.

[–]strawberrysun 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

People have always told me this, so I don't really think about it anymore. I do wish there wasn't such a strong stereotype of what a gay person "should" be, though.

[–]theytookourjerbsXX only. 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

When I was a teen, I would've gotten mad. Now, in my 20's, I would be like "phew, you don't think I'm one of those q***rs".