Does anyone here have Lesbian freinds irl?

submitted by sunzzy from self.Lesbians

Ok so I'm only 17 and its taken ages for me to come to term with the fact that I'm a lesbian. Before that I thought I was bisexual and then trans (which I basically told myself because I wanted a get out of being lesbian free card). So I guess I'm still learning to be ok with it.

Anyway one of the things that I'm struggling with is feeling really lonely. I'm the only person in any of my freind groups that isn't straight. My brother is gay which is nice because I can confide in him but it would still be nice to have another lesbian that I could talk to about issues that particularly affect us.

I recently found out that the pianist at my choir is married to a woman, I've spoken to her a few times and was thinking about coming out to her. But I don't know, it sounds scary. Still its nice to know that I'm not the only one. If anyone has any advice on where to meet others it would be really appreciated! I live in a really small town so there's nothing LGBT related at all.

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[–][deleted] 20 insightful - 4 fun20 insightful - 3 fun21 insightful - 4 fun -  (2 children)

Do it. Tell the lesbian you’re a lesbian! she will guide you to the others

[–]sunzzy[S] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

ahhhh I want to but I'm scared!!!

[–][deleted] 11 insightful - 11 fun11 insightful - 10 fun12 insightful - 11 fun -  (0 children)

Do it for your future babies with your future wife. Or just for your future wife, or even a future ex wife

[–]WildwoodFlower 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Yes, I have lesbian friends IRL. But they're all married to each other, so I can't date any of them. That's OK, though, because I don't click with any of them in that way.

When I was 17, the only lesbian I knew was my closeted high school English teacher. This was back in the 80s when she could have lost her job for being a lesbian. My boyfriend at the time (who is now an out gay man) was the one who figured out that our teacher was in the closet and he voiced his suspicions to me and to a couple of friends. The word got back to her, she called him into her office, and read him the riot act.

Since your pianist is out and married to a woman, you have the kind of role model that my friends and I did not have back in the day. I hope you can work up the courage to come out to her.

Speaking of my friends, NOBODY was out at the time. I had several close friends in high school who later came out as lesbians or as gay men. Just the other day on Facebook, I stumbled upon an old friend's profile. I haven't seen her in over 30 years and I remember her as being totally boy crazy. Now she is married to a woman. It's very likely that you aren't the only lesbian in your friend group. I can't give you any advice on how to figure out who the other lesbians are. But they're there. Trust me.

[–]sunzzy[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

It is amazing how much having someone you already really admire turn out to be lesbian, I was genuinely really excited when I found out because its the first time it actually occurred to me that I'm not the only one.

What was it like being gay back then? I mean its great that the laws have changed for the better but there was still a lot of homophobia at my school so I think we still have a way to go as a society.

[–]WildwoodFlower 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Back then, it was a lot harder for the gay guys than it was for the girls. Unless we were really butch (and most of us weren't), it was pretty easy to fly under the radar. The other kids thought we were weird, but they didn't suspect we were lesbians. The guys, OTOH, were subjected to the F-word and jokes about AIDS and limp wrists. There was also the whole comphet/invisibility factor-- we did not see others like ourselves. We didn't even really see each other! When I look back, I think about how we all could have been so much more supportive of each other if we didn't all have to hide who we were.

Some things that are commonplace today were unthinkable back then. You didn't take a same-sex date to the prom. You didn't even go to the prom with a girl who was "just a friend." You either had a date with a member of the opposite sex (comphet) or you went alone (which meant people thought you were weird). The teen movies, TV shows, and books had zero gay or lesbian characters. If we were mentioned in any of the teen magazines, it was "it's common for teenagers to have crushes on a member of the same sex because your hormones are running amok. This doesn't mean you're gay. You will outgrow this when the right boy comes along." (There's an episode in Season One of The Facts of Life that conveys this exact message, but even then, the tomboy who hugs girls and doesn't like boys is seen as "weird" rather than "gay.")

On the plus side, the teens of the 80s had a lot more freedom in terms of gender expression. If you watch some of the music videos of that era, you'll see what I mean. Not that the suburban kids I went to school with went around dressed like Annie Lennox or Boy George or David Bowie. But we did get to play around more with hairstyles, clothing styles, jewelry, etc. and no one stuck us with labels like "trans" or "nonbinary" because if it. We were just allowed to be kids.

[–]oofreesouloo 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

"it's common for teenagers to have crushes on a member of the same sex because your hormones are running amok. This doesn't mean you're gay. You will outgrow this when the right boy comes along" - wow. This was the EXACT same words my mother used to tell me FOR YEARS. And I'm pretty young still, 22 years old. Came out at 14

[–]sunzzy[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Reading this definitely makes me feel lucky to have grown up where at least there are some people who are accepting. Where I live we are supposed to have LGBT inclusive lessons as part of sex-ed curriculum but my school decided not to do it , the only mention of it ever was when a science teacher told us that is is impossible for a lesbian to get an STI... needless to say I was very confused.

I am quite envious that it was more normal for people to dress differently from gender norms, to be fair most people my age seem to secretly thing all these quirky Neo-genders are stupid its just that no one wants to be seen as a bigot so people with different opinions generally just go along with it. TBH as far as I can see being 'non-binary' is just a trend and I wouldn't be surprised if most people grew out of it

[–]WildwoodFlower 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's interesting to hear that so many people your age aren't on board the gender train. I think a lot of the kids who identify as trans or non-binary are just freaked out over the physical changes in their bodies and are trying to take control over whatever part of it that they can. Like you said, most of them will probably outgrow it.

Note: By "outgrow it" I mean the "non-binary" label. They will probably remain unconventional, or non-conforming, in their own way.

[–]oofreesouloo 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

No. Apart from the two women I was with on a relationship (with whom I didn't maintain contact after break up), I've met very few lesbians irl and the ones I met were butch, meaning I PERSONALLY (I have a preference towards femmes) had no romantic interest in them AND found myself not being able to relate much to them either which made it harder to develop a friendship. One of them in particular ewwww. She behaves like a pre pubescent guy, the only thing we have in common is that we both like women. Apart from that, ew ew ew. I wish I could find more lesbians to relate with irl in particular femme lesbians. :( I wish I could meet someone "like me", but the "closest" I find is femme bi women but they're bi so for obvious reasons I won't ever relate totally. Still hoping!

[–]sunzzy[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

I can totally relate about about not being the stereotypical butch lesbian. It sucks that some people literally won't believe me if I tell them because I'm "too pretty" to be gay. Like I know that's meant to be a compliment but now whenever someone isn't surprised that I'm a lesbian I feel like they think I'm ugly or something...

Can we please just burn the stereotypes?

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–]sunzzy[S] 4 insightful - 4 fun4 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

    Right? like I know I'm gorgeous but you don't have to question my identity!

    [–]oofreesouloo 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    Yep, exactly. I think the struggles femme lesbians face are very different from butch lesbians, and that's why I found it hard to relate. Butch lesbians don't deal with the "invisibility" and "erasure" we deal with on daily basis, aka NO ONE believing you're a lesbian and you have to CONSTANTLY be "proving" to others that yes, you're a lesbian uuughhhhhhhh. People literally FORGET you're a lesbian and start talking about guys to you and I'm like hellooooooo?? 🤪

    [–]sunzzy[S] 4 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

    It annoys me the concept that if you have long nails you couldn't possibly be a lesbian, like JEEZ if you want someone to finger you you should probably be a little more polite...

    [–]oofreesouloo 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    😂😂😂

    [–]beholdyourheart 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Nope, although I attribute that to me not being very social in real life lmao. Although I used to volunteer at an animal shelter and there was a surprising amount of lesbians who also worked there - I regret being too reclusive to ever speak to any of them 💀

    Also OP I'd say you should go for it and come out to her, if she seems nice! Obviously I don't know her but I feel there's a really good chance she'll be happy to speak to you about it. Other than that there's not really a surefire way to meet other lesbians in a small town, outside of stereotypical lesbian activities which tend to have at least some truth to them haha. Maybe when you're a bit older you could look on dating apps to find other lesbians in your area - when I last looked at dating apps I noticed a few lesbians who were just looking for friendships with other lesbians. Good luck and good on you for coming to terms with your sexuality! I also used to identify as bisexual and then trans as ways of trying to not be a lesbian, and while it's rough at first to come to terms with it, it's ultimately so freeing. But lesbian loneliness does suck, I hope you can make some irl lesbian friends!

    [–]sunzzy[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Thanks for the reply, I think I will try and speak to her when lockdown is over I guess its more a question of how do I bring it up, I don't really keep it a secret that I'm lesbian but if it doesn't come up in conversation I usually don't mention it so most of my friends don't actually know.

    [–][deleted] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    All my friends who thought they were lesbians later came out as bisexual. I'm glad they found and accepted their true selves, but it does feel a bit lonely since so few women are actually lesbians to begin with. As far as I know none of my current friends are lesbians.

    [–]sunzzy[S] 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    One of my friends used to say she was bisexual but now says she is straight which is kind of a bummer because I liked having someone I could relate to.

    It was literally a trend at one point when I was in high school for everyone to say they were bi, nearly everyone ended up being straight so I was pretty much waiting to find out I'm actually straight only to find out i'm the opposite

    [–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Lots, you'll especially make them in college.

    [–]VioletRemi 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Had before, but not anymore, and there seems no one around as well. I am fine alone for now, thought. And there always internet to flirt with few friends.

    [–]Gearbeta 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Man I wish I had IRL lesbian friends.

    [–]whateverman 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Yep. We’re everywhere.

    [–]plumedoomer 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Lol no.

    [–]Fraeulein 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    The only non-straight irl friends I have are all heavily straight-leaning bi girls. I live in the Bible-belt South, so the openly-lesbian population here isn't exactly booming. It's rad as hell, though, that your choir's pianist is a lesbian. If you feel safe enough doing so, you should come out to her!

    [–]sunzzy[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I do really want to come out to her, its more a matter of how, I usually avoid coming out so its only really my family that knows. It will be a while before choir starts again so at least I have time to think about it, but it sure is cool that in my tiny town in England with an even tinier community of musicians there is someone like me.

    I too have only really had bisexual friends before, and some of the time they will later tell me they're straight which is kinda dissapointing because I'm lonely.