Feeling like I'm leading an endless battle against the system

submitted by LesChameleon from self.Lesbians

So, I'm 24 and I've encountered a negative pattern in my dating life that gets me worried and pessimistic about my future love life. A few times by now, I've fallen in love with lesbians or bisexual girls who weren't fully out. They were out to their close friends but not to their family or at work (it's a fairly common situation where I live, not the U.S.). What bothers me was that it really was reflected in our relationships: a couple of times there was this amazing chemistry between us but they wouldn't wanna pursue the relationship out of fear. If we did date, they'd get afraid of showing any affection in public ("someone might see us" excuse) or the bisexual girls didn't take me seriously and just went on to date men because they and their friends never thought of dating a woman as real dating. It pains me to no end, I can't control who I fall in love with and here the dating pool is pretty small so I can't just limit it to proudly out lesbians.

I kinda feel defeated because I can't change the societal perception that a woman dating a man is the only possible or widely accepted option. It's not even only bi girls who decide to take an easy path and date men, but it hurts me so much to see lesbians who suppress their sexuality and settle for men. I've even seen a fair amount of late bloomers who feel kinda "free" after their kids grew up and now they can divorce and live as lesbians. But this also angers me, it's just reinforcing heteronormativity and I feel that a good number of young girls plan to do that to please their families and the society in general.

Anyone has similar opinion/experiences/feelings?

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[–]VioletRemi 12 insightful - 4 fun12 insightful - 3 fun13 insightful - 4 fun -  (1 child)

With my first girlfriend we were in relationship only when no one saw us. Good that we lived in same room alone in dormitory, so we could spend a lot of time together. Just no dates outside. And when we once showed on public. Well...I am reminded every day about that in the morning, when I am washing up in front of mirror. Today here everything is much better, but still.

Men just never want to let us live our lifes as we want to. Even on West now this transgender craze and total lesbian bullying and erasure (at least not everywhere, so some couples can still be happy and it is great), even by media. Like recent Polygon article "A Summer’s End is a rare queer romance that goes where most games won’t". Do you know what it is about and what word never mentioned in it? It is game about lesbian love and fight against homophobic environment, but from article title you can't say that, and I am sure most lesbians just skipped it, because it is just "queer people romance", not "lesbian women romance".

World is slowly going away from full men control and total patriarchy, but sometimes it seems like it is going way too slow.

[–]LesChameleon[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh, yes, the lesbian erasure is so real it's driving me crazy!

[–]Astrid2448 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I agree with you and it’s a rough situation. It’s a combination of heteronormativity, sexism (because same sex relationships between women are so trivialized that these women treat it like a party hat) and misogyny (hmm, I wonder why bisexuality between women is so desired..). But I don’t know how you’d change it either. I ran into quite a few of these girls when I was single and didn’t really give them the time of day, so I didn’t have as many experiences with them (ok with me). I did date bisexuals but tried to stick with the ones who I could tell were more committed and not just stepping in for the experience and the stories to tell their future husband. It made me feel like I had a dating pool of like five people to choose from, but I did meet my current partner.

Maybe it’ll help if you run when you see the red flags with how they talk about men and women.

[–]LesChameleon[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for the comment - it's so accurate! Normally, I run away right away when I see red flags, but the last bi girl really had me thinking she was serious when she was anything but that...god, I really was naive hhaha.

[–]Innisfree 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Agree with everything you set out. There's a concept here in Europe that is tied in with all this hardship: lesbian genius. When I first came across it I winced, here's another 'feel good' label, an attempt to exceptionalise a group by members of the very same group. But they do have a point.

I think all the difficulties outlined by you and experienced by so many lesbians put pressure on us to succeed, to go out there and get what we want, because it sure isn't going to fall into our lap. I mean just look at this forum. People here know at least three languages, play musical instruments, have travelled, have a wealth of different interests, pursuing great jobs, trying to build financial stability etc.

The other day I was reading an attack on Christopher Hitchens from the '90s, some critic took a stab at his bisexuality with the usual homo insults. And other critics joined in saying, ohh the good old days when homos were closeted - their poetry, their art was so much better, so beautifully filled with suffering and anguish. Well I rofled at that, straight people saying how beautifully we suffer in the closet. So to that I reply, you have no idea what we can achieve out of it.

[–]VioletRemi 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I mean just look at this forum.

I've noticed that on most non-conforming women (and I am not speaking about "non-binary not-like-other-girls" ones) - when we are free from being a men's toy, women can do amazing stuff and can learn a lot, and we are doing so much at a time because we just starved for knowledge, that was forbidden for women for so many centuries.

[–]Innisfree 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You are right, it's really more about women saving their energies on catering to men and being able to focus on themselves for once.