How do you feel about Comp Het?

submitted by [deleted] from self.Lesbians

I think its an interesting idea and discussion to have, but honestly most of these women sound like bisexual (or even straight) women in denial.

The craziest thing I have heard as a sign of Comp Het was that being attracted to a transwoman BEFORE she find out she is trans, may be a sign that you are a lesbian lol

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[–]Lessom 28 insightful - 7 fun28 insightful - 6 fun29 insightful - 7 fun -  (4 children)

Im also convinced many are not lesbians either. It’s such an overused term that has lost its meaning.

I’m sorry but if you live in a free country like the US or UK but still choose to go fuck every Tom, Dick and Harry then you’re not a lesbian. You can call it comphet all you want but I call that being straight or bi.

[–]catsuneko 17 insightful - 2 fun17 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Lol I remember before TL was banned I was talking about this and someone (who was agreeing with me btw) said they knew a woman who claims to be a lesbian but has slept with 30 men. Like imo sleeping around with guys a lot and actively seeking them out to fuck them multiple times is not remotely lesbian, and what's really crazy is that some of those "comphet" types who've slept with that many men have slept with more men than the average straight woman lmao!

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Well how else can you have headlines saying that lesbian (and bisexual) teens are twice as likely to have teen pregnancies compared to straight girls 😭

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna855861

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, and I have never heard a single human I’ve met even say “comphet” aloud. This is not a concept that the majority of homos knew about or thought about, now it’s a catch all for everything under the sun.

[–]LesbianInExile 23 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 0 fun24 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

It's just a bullshit term used by bisexuals/political lesbians to say that they were only attracted to men because it was compulsory (ie patriarchy forced them to feel attracted to men) so they are totally valid as lesbians- but I have seen the phrase creep in on some lesbian sites and some actual lesbians (I think younger ones) using it without realising the background to the phrase.

If you are talking about not accepting your sexuality, trying to force yourself to be attracted to or have relationships with men despite not being attracted to them, then words like homophobia and lesbophobia (including internalised lesbophobia) work perfectly well.

Another of the problems with the term compulsory heterosexuality is that instead of talking about lesbophobia, compulsory heterosexuality basically takes the concept of homophobia and lesbophobia and makes it all about straight and bi women. Straight and bi women are the victims of compulsory heterosexuality because they are the ones who have been forced to feel attracted to men whereas women who (in their words) "chose to be lesbians at a young age" have had it easy because they haven't suffered from compulsory heterosexuality.

A lot of feminist stuff that is supposedly about lesbian rights when you look at it is actually about how tough straight and bi women have it, how they are oppressed by being attracted to men and doesn't actually address a lot of the issues lesbians face (and especially not the abuse we face from straight women and girls and how they are often the perpetrators of lesbophobia). Obviously, straight and bi women have their own problems but that it was 99% of feminism is focused on anyway. Comphet makes the supposedly lesbian part about them too and sidelines lesbians in our own oppression.

[–]VioletRemi 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Compulsory is more like in middle east countries (and actually many more in the world), when women are forcibelly put into the marriage when it is spotted that they are lesbians. While choosing yourself to go to straight marriage is not really compulsory. At least if take oxford dictionary explanation of word "compulsory".

[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Yeah and they also use corrective rape for that. But really it’s homophobia and misogyny causing comphet, but when we only use “comphet” to explain it we miss the real source of the problem.

[–]VioletRemi 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

to explain

What do you mean by that? It is not an explanation or the cause, not the problem, it is the consequence, symptom of the problem.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

People sub in “comphet” in place of more accurate discussions of issues affecting their late coming out

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

This is true. I think one of the things I hate about how blanket it has become recently is that it completely steamrollers homophobia and lesbophobia and STRAIGHTENS it.

My generation said they were mistaken about their orientation, or they had internalized homophobia, not that it was forced straight. Because straight isn’t particularly forced around here anymore, you can be bi and are welcome to be if you date men. It’s almost expected for women to be “fluid.” Lol. People get celebrated for unstraightening. It’s more like compqueer or compgenderid

I do believe women feel like they need to not be lesbians, and some of that is growing up in a straight world with straight people all around you. But the whole comphet concept being added to every little thing is going to make things much worse.

The way I suffered from comphet was literally gender dysphoria before we knew the word for that either. And I didn’t tell anyone. But you don’t see many lesbians bringing that whole thing up when it’s likely the most common experience of comphet around.

[–]spirette 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

absolutely. Completely agree. I used to think (less than two years ago) that it was cool how lesbian-centric radical feminism was. Lesbians seemed to be the forefront of the movement and it's so rare. Now I've realized how deeply lesbophobic it all is and how it's basically a way for straight/bi women to appropriate our struggles and a way for them to keep dating men (in other words: couples therapy) while arguing that lesbians are "privileged". And comp het is part of that.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–]reluctant_commenter 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    This is a REALLY good summary of the issues with the term comphet.

    everyone is a little bit bisexual", "it's normal for women not to like sex, you just have to put up with it for men

    Yup, I heard all of these and that's part of why I did not realize I was lesbian for so long. I assumed all women were attracted to women the way I was.

    Many people here outright dismiss the idea of "comphet" because of how ridiculous the online communities around it are (as you described). I think it is kind of too bad, and wish we had a dedicated place to talk about these issues, for those who want to.

    [–][deleted] 13 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    But also, people on the internet can't tell you if you're a lesbian or not! I don't know anything about internet people, I can't know their personal lives better than they do. I don't care if it's not validating, I can tell you what being gay is but I can't read 200 words and then come up with some diagnosis on your sexuality. Like, go deal with your dysfunctional relationship or actually date a women and then report back.

    "I'm not interested in sex anymore after being married for 7 years, am I a lesbian?" and the responses are like "yup, sounds like you're a lesbian who was just dealing with comphet!".

    I swear they are talking themselves into being lesbians! It's such a toxic culture. No, you're not gay if you've been happily banging guy(s) for the last however many years, that means you're into men! Also, who cares if you're into men?? And women now?? It's not that interesting who you want to sleep with!

    [–]yayblueberries 18 insightful - 3 fun18 insightful - 2 fun19 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

    I think a lot of it is straight woman cope with finding out your whole life has been a lie by the time you get into your 30s+ and that men are total shit who have zero interest in ever respecting women. I mean, imagine your entire world blowing up like that after 3-5 decades of handing over so much to 1 or 2 men. These women still want sex and a partner because they have always had both but are confused as to what to do now.

    Some of what I've found in comp het crosses over into lesbians who were forced to deny to themselves that they definitely are lesbians by a hateful society but the rest of it is just cognitive distortions for heterosexual women.

    [–]florasis 17 insightful - 4 fun17 insightful - 3 fun18 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

    A lot of them are just bisexual, pretending to be lesbian cause they got men problem

    [–]florasis 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Women who have problem with men.

    [–]welp 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

    This is why I stay away from commenting in lesbian spaces. I was married to two different men. I spent 24 years making myself attractive to men. When I was 15 or 16 I told my mom I thought I might be a lesbian and she said that's just a phase everyone goes through so I ignored it, pushed it down, and tried to build the life I was supposed to have. 50 years ago I probably would have managed to stay married to a man until my death and never realize I was missing something, cause I didn't understand what it was possible to feel. I know now because of lived experience that men are not for me. If this makes me not a lesbian, I will refrain from infringing on lesbian spaces.

    [–]TalerTest 27 insightful - 1 fun27 insightful - 0 fun28 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    A lesbian is a woman who is exclusively sexually attracted to women. If you fit that description then you are a lesbian. The thing is, I see many bi/straight women who claim that they are lesbians and CompHet forced them to be sexually attracted to men. That's not how it works... CompHet can force a lesbian into situations like getting married to a man, or sleeping with a man or whatever but it's not going to make you feel sexually attracted to them.

    [–]Rao 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    What do you think of OP here; she said because she was sexually abused as a child she has sexual attraction to men if the context is non consensual.

    https://www.reddit.com/r/febfems/comments/i9sf5i/how_did_you_know_you_were_febfem/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

    [–]TalerTest 6 insightful - 3 fun6 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

    I don't know why she's trying so hard to complicate things for herself. She's bisexual and she clearly knows that, despite her rambling.

    And this person needs therapy/to work on herself and shouldn't be worrying about having sex or relationships of any kind. She sounds like she's carrying around a lot of baggage. People like that should be single.

    [–]piylot 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    I hope this place doesn't start turning within itself to hatefully gatekeeper like the L chat. I don't think we'll ever find a way to easily or peacefully distinguish who truly qualifies as a lesbian and who doesn't. I appreciate the women who contribute insightful comments and posts to this forum & hope this place doesn't shun out women who've had experiences like yours for the sake of a comfortable, easily defendable definition of who truly should be here.

    I think people choose to have sex and have relationships for many reasons, sexual attraction is only one. Some people have real attachment or self esteem issues (not saying this is you) that mean they're not choosing relationships that make them happy. Some people feel immense pressure to please and assimilate to their family or community - you don't have to be religiously indoctrinated to fit that definition.

    I've personally never slept with or been in a relationship with a male, but I think when I was 17/18 I could have gone along with a situation like that if I'd felt I owed it to someone, or like I was defective if I didn't. I'm very glad that I was never in that situation but I don't think that makes me more gay than women I know who've slept with men. What changed for me is not that I repressed or lost my attraction to men but that I began to believe that I didn't have to give men a chance, and that I don't have to participate in sexual situations I don't really want to participate in. I think while comp hey can be over-ascribed, there's a lot to be considered about how women are taught to interpret their attractions (eg all girls have girl crushes, women don't enjoy sex that much) and what women are taught about putting men's wants before their own comfort.

    [–]Innisfree 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    This is a great, nuanced write up of the situation.

    While I understand the urge to discuss this subject from a theoretical point of view, my own position is that it is best addressed on a case-by-case basis. That is, if a new user comes here to post about their specific life experiences and asks for opinions/help. For the general treatment may I humbly suggest using the search function on this sub before posting. And if not finding there your answers of course any contribution is welcome.

    [–]reluctant_commenter 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I relate to this a ton, and I also have struggled with some lesbians' denial that someone could have this experience and still be a lesbian. It is hurtful to hear people make generalizations like that.

    I hope you don't stop contributing, because I know there are others in our position and our experiences are legit even if some lesbians don't understand them.

    I have been wondering if it might make sense to start another sub or something for those of us who had these experiences. Would you be at all interested in that, if there was one?

    [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    People on the internet can tell you what the definition of lesbian is, but they can't tell you if they are one because they don't know you :) You don't have to have strangers examine your life history and tell you if you're a lesbian to be gay. If you're gay you're gay. Just be respectful of the community you're in— that's all we ask of you.

    [–]VioletRemi 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

    I am still not sure what this term mean, as everyone have different description to it. Most of descriptions sounding like just bisexual women to me, or straight women becoming "political lesbians" with the new meaning of the term.

    I was married on a man, when I was trying to make myself straight and to live normal life without being bullied and without harm to my health from homophobes, does that count as CompHet? It did not worked at all, and we almost had no sex, tho.

    [–]reluctant_commenter 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    I had something similar happen with me. I think that is a very real phenomenon, but perhaps we should find a better name for it because "comphet" has so many different meanings.

    I think part of the confusion is-- there is a difference between

    • a woman who doesn't realize she is a lesbian, trying to force herself to date men and be straight

    • a woman who calls herself a lesbian but keeps voluntarily sleeping with men (without being forced to by religion, society, abuse)

    The first, is a fairly common experience and it's what I used to think comphet means. But now it seems comphet is more for describing that 2nd situation, which just makes very little sense and seems more in the realm of "straight woman having a mid-life crisis".

    [–]Rao 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Thank you for saying this. I felt like I was going nuts when I realized this is what's happening. All on Twitter is minors and I assume women claiming that you can be attracted to men and still a lesbian. They just say, "but comphet exists" as soon as there is some het activity by a girl/woman and then they determine that despite that she's a lesbian. It's very frustrating to see played out and it's no wonder so many supposed lesbians are fucking/dating men and no one thinks it's even possible to be a lesbian. And what's worse is this is the popular consensus and if you speak against it you're going to be the odd one out and dragged. Saying, "Lesbians aren't attracted to men in anyway." will legit have these females come after you and one who was a dude I assume threatened to beat me to death. That's were we are right now.

    [–]reluctant_commenter 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Yup, exactly. :( It's frustrating to see that a once-useful concept has been so twisted and distorted that it is now used to encourage violence against the very group it used to belong to.

    [–]reluctant_commenter 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    There were a few fantastic discussions about this topic, a couple weeks ago.

    I would highly recommend reading this comment by u/yousaythosethings, particularly this:

    As we know, "gay" isn't a feeling. It just means exhibiting exclusive same-sex attraction, and as it turns out if you're gay that sensation alone feels entirely normal. It just is. It doesn't require you to look, dress, or vote a certain way, or adopt a particular lifestyle. It's not an identity, but a description of a factual, biological reality. Just like being a natural redhead isn't itself an identity. But TRA and comphet is turning all of this on its head. They eschew that sexual orientation is about a factual description of your biological reality. They both completely uncouple sexual orientation from sex and biology (as I will explain below), and instead put the emphasis on how your sexual orientation should make you feel and the lifestyle associated with the sexual orientation. If you think you would be happier and more fulfilled adopting a "lesbian identity," then that's "valid."

    https://saidit.net/s/Lesbians/comments/5tog/what_is_up_with_lesbians_who_meet_their_exception/mrtn

    Also I agree, this is nuts:

    The craziest thing I have heard as a sign of Comp Het was that being attracted to a transwoman BEFORE she find out she is trans, may be a sign that you are a lesbian lol

    [–][deleted] 10 insightful - 4 fun10 insightful - 3 fun11 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

    My old neighbor in California was in his 80’s. When he was in the Navy floating around the South Pacific he was with men. When he got home from the war he married a woman, had kids, the whole American dream. The second she died he flung himself out of the closet, and I had the misfortune of being the person who chose to talk to about, in great detail, his adventures on Craig’s List. Don’t worry as much as I would like to share the details and make you all feel what I felt, I won’t.

    Now for context back then I think the whole comp het thing was completely normal then because of well death, jail, electric shock therapy and so on. More recent times, not so much.

    [–][deleted] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (17 children)

    CompHet seems to run this forum sometimes.

    [–]yousaythosethings 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (15 children)

    What have you observed?

    [–][deleted] 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (14 children)

    Just a general obsession with the subject. Late bloomers, bisexuals, comp het, lots of posts debating if they are bisexual, straight, liars, whatever.

    I don't doubt that there are some comphet lesbians and that there is a frustration with its use from some bisexuals, but honestly? As someone seeking lesbian spaces and having a vested interest in seeing them grow, I rather they grow upon what we find out about each rather than our constant hammering on what other groups are doing all the time.

    I don't doubt their effects on us, I just also wonder if we give them more space in our spaces than we should, if that makes sense.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

    [deleted]

      [–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Fully agree. Finding a balance is very tricky!

      [–]yousaythosethings 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

      I get it. I’m part of that problem but the issue is more proximate for me as a late-bloomer. I think it’s also something to do with quarantine because being stuck inside and disconnected from in-person interactions lends itself to this kind of over-analysis and navel-gazing. I also have an insufferable need to break things down to ordered parts and patterns and ask BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

      [–]reluctant_commenter 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

      I feel you on that, haha. I am in the same boat.

      Do you think it would be helpful to start a smaller sub/group or something, for people who are interested in these types of topics?

      [–][deleted] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

      I mean, it's relevant to lesbians and this is a lesbian space. I think we can have both, and maybe the topic won't dominate this one too much. It's a big issue, and should be discussed, but I just wish other big issues would come up more as well.

      [–]reluctant_commenter 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

      It's a big issue, and should be discussed

      I mean, the three of us, and some other people, think so. But I've noticed that every time the word "comphet" comes up, there are a bunch of comments like "Comphet isn't real! It's just TRAs making stuff up" and you have to wade through that before you get to the real conversation about the actual phenomenon. It tires me out tbh.

      Also, it is demoralizing and off-putting to some commenters who have struggled a lot with comphet, like this comment:

      https://saidit.net/s/Lesbians/comments/66t4/how_do_you_feel_about_comp_het/o1uy

      And quite frankly, I almost quit the forum a couple weeks ago with all the people saying stuff like "How could a real lesbian ever date a man?" I am just trying to have a conversation about my experiences, but if people keep denying that someone with my experiences can be a lesbian, then I will find somewhere else to talk about it, you know?

      edit: this accidentally turned into a rant and it's not directed at you lol, to be clear.

      [–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

      You're good. Let everything out. There's no other way to make change.

      I get you. It's why I've been trying to encourage people to speak up. I fear that there are a lot of others holding back for similar reasons. I think some lesbians just see the topic and don't really look into it further. They assume it's more propaganda, but if we can convince more to talk and look into it, the lack of understanding can't persist. Me personally, I ended up backing out when it comes up because I began to feel like I should learn more and not interrupt. That way I can gain a more informed opinion.

      Glad you stuck around. I enjoy your well thought out contributions. I know how it feels to have differing experiences that you feel like are looked over or denied.

      [–]reluctant_commenter 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

      I really appreciate your kindness and consideration for others. Thank you.

      the lack of understanding can't persist.

      Hahaha, and people tell me I'M too optimistic. I'm not sure I agree. My personal best guess, is that we will keep having sporadic comphet posts-- and the people who get mad, will keep getting mad and eventually the people who want to talk about it will either

      1) silently melt out of the forum and have no one to talk to about comphet,

      2) silently melt out of the forum find somewhere else, perhaps r/latebloomerlesbians, which seems like a non-optimal solution to me, or

      3) find a new space to talk about it, like another sub-saidit (is that what we call these things, lol?).

      Just my 2 cents. I would rather have a second sub where people feel okay making comphet posts, even if it is tiny, than having people feel like they can't comment or post without getting shouted down.

      If it were just a difference of, say, politics (or "political lesbians", hahaha), I would not be bothered by people getting pissed, but it is a vulnerable subject for a lot of people.

      Glad you stuck around. I enjoy your well thought out contributions. I know how it feels to have differing experiences that you feel like are looked over or denied.

      Thanks, I am glad you are here too. :)

      [–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

      I think a SaidIt space would be something to consider perhaps for these discussions as although there might be comphet lesbians, there may be more comphet wlw and you would have a space where women will understand.

      Remember, opening another space does not automatically mean leaving another. It means that you seek to connect with particular group.

      I personally see both sides of this matter. I do give some validity to comp het but I am also wary of its abuse. I feel uncomfortable making the judgement call of who is valid or not. I feel many are seeking it from us, however it should be sought from within you.

      Breaking down the topic of comphet and it’s specific experiences may need its own space, just at Gender Critical goes into deep examination of womanhood and female only spaces, just like LGBdroptheT tackles how TRA affects the community as a whole. Many lesbians are involved in both. Again, you don’t have to belong to just one space.

      In the end it’s up to you. Lesbians will always be welcomed here.

      [–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      This is very true and something I had not considered before. Thanks for this comment 💗

      [–]Rao 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      The thing is the concept of comphet is basically invalidating lesbianism in its totality because comphet is used by bisexuals and straights to justify why a supposed lesbian is attracted to men. It's legitimatizing the idea lesbians aren't real and we are attracted to men. Like, that's kinda why we're all exiled on this site - the idea lesbianism and women are inclusive concepts. I really appreciate this thread because my ideas were concisely addressed here and I can see I'm not the only one alarmed about this. Plus, I'd argue since the membership is so small, any activity is better than no activity because once people see it's dead then it's a wrap.

      [–][deleted] 3 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

      I saw the subject and literally went “UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” and scared my cat

      [–][deleted]  (3 children)

      [deleted]

        [–]welp 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        I was later diagnosed as on the spectrum. I definitely never looked at dudes and went OH HES HOT, I just got to be friends with guys and assumed that meant I should date them. Combined with my mother, who I trusted above anyone else in my life, telling me everyone thinks they might be gay when they're a teenager I just went "Oh. I guess I'm not. Women sure are pretty, but I guess everyone just thinks that."

        Combined with that being small town Ontario in the 90s it just wasn't DONE here. I understand why people say that must mean I'm bi, but the first time I kissed a woman it just made my mind and heart and everything explode with a feeling of "holy shit it can be like this???" I don't know how else to explain it. I always felt like something was missing or wrong, but I had no idea what it might be.

        Now I know and I'd rather be single the rest of my life than ever put myself into the weirdly emotionless beige way I felt when I was with men.

        [–][deleted] 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

        One of my favourite people has the same experience as you! I hope you have had somewhere to talk with other women with this particular trajectory. It’s unique and probably uniquely confusing, but it’s cool that someone else like her is around.

        [–]Innisfree 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        Thank you for your contribution. I think a wider awareness of neurodiversity can only benefit the community.

        Although as many users above I'd be wary about the term compHet. Heteronormativity is so much better. As human beings one of our primary drives is to belong, to fit in with a perceived "norm" . So it is not surprising that we try to do that. Coupled with the issues of lesbophobia and mysoginy, even less surprising. Add to that the lack of alternative role-models (out lesbians) in your immediate environment - no convoluted notion of compHet is necessary. Heteronormativity explains both the women who got married and later realized they were lesbians and the women who are closeted because they believe they are defective or wrong as a lesbian.

        CompHet seems to apply better to the women who stayed in unhappy marriages for too long, regardless of their true sexuality.

        [–]a_blue_bird 7 insightful - 4 fun7 insightful - 3 fun8 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

        I think it's for male-leaning bi and straight women who are looking for an explanation of why all their relationships with men are failing.

        [–]lmaonope333 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        I grew up in a cultish religious community so I view comphet as the fear that I had growing up, that I would I inevitably marry a man and have to have sex w him. I was never happy about it but I thought I'd have to do it

        [–][deleted]  (1 child)

        [deleted]

          [–]Innisfree 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

          From what I observed so far, most people come online to ask questions and seek reassurance, while most people comfortable with their sexuality, have little time to give to online forums. That is why you may see an over-representation of the questioning online. I don't think it's an issue on this sub, personally.

          [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 5 fun4 insightful - 4 fun5 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

          Poorly

          [–][deleted]  (1 child)

          [removed]

            [–]reluctant_commenter 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

            I don't think society can trick you into being attracted to men

            That is not what comphet is-- or at least, not before the TRAs took over the term.

            I think comphet is the pressure to believe you are straight / opposite-sex attracted, even though you have only same-sex attraction. For example, growing up in a religion that teaches you are straight and you must be straight no matter what-- so you never consider that you might be homosexual, despite wanting to kiss those of your sex but not the opposite sex, etc.

            I think lesbians are all "Kinsey 6s", and the middle of the Kinsey scale is just for bisexuals, so everyone here should be a Kinsey 6 as well (unless they are a lurking/visiting non-lesbian).

            [–]RedditHatesLesbians 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

            A lesbian cannot be made to feel sexual attraction towards men. Doesn't matter what societal pressures she faces, etc - the sexual attraction won't be there. However I can see a lesbian having sex with a man for reasons other than sexual attraction, such as lesbophobia internalised or rampant in their country. Or numerous other reasons, such as low self-esteem and other such issues. I have a lesbian friend who was in an abusive relationship with a man while she was in the depths of her anorexia and it doesn't make her any less of a lesbian just because she was in that position, sometimes things are more nuanced than you'd think. But I wouldn't call lesbians being in deeply unhappy relationships with men comphet, because that's misleading.