Why are women always super offended if they're assumed to be lesbians?

submitted by RedditHatesLesbians from self.Lesbians

Perhaps this is a stupid no-brainer thing but I was just reminded of a time where two of my female friends who were dating at the time were referred to as lesbians and one of the girls made a face and, genuinely offended, went "actually I'm bisexual." As if this was somehow insulting?

More than just that one time, anytime a woman who's straight is assumed to be a lesbian for any reason, instead of it being water off a ducks feathers they get outraged and insulted. Now, I'm lucky enough to live in a very liberal area where people don't even really come out, so I don't think it's the case that they're fearing for their lives. It's usually met with the response "No, eww, icky, you think I look like a lesbo??"

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[–][deleted]  (3 children)

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    [–]sootsprite 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Same, I'd rather they were honest about it and avoided calling themselves gay/lesbian

    [–]FlanJam 24 insightful - 4 fun24 insightful - 3 fun25 insightful - 4 fun -  (5 children)

    For straight women, its probably because "eww, lesbos".

    For bi women, maybe its less about getting called lesbian and more about having their bisexuality brushed over? Like I'd be pretty annoyed if someone called me queer instead of lesbian. But it could also just be "eww, lesbos" as well.

    [–]just_lesbian_things 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Same, I wouldn't be offended if people assumed I was straight, but I would correct the use of queer, because people who say that usually know better. (i.e. they know I'm a lesbian and choose to say queer instead)

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]FlanJam 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Yeah, I don't really mind people assuming I'm straight. It kinda makes sense given ~95% of people are straight. Queer is different story tho.

      [–]yayblueberries 2 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

      Maybe I should for fun. I can be like, "What, do I look like I'm performing femininity for men? Do I look like a clown?" I actually do usually get assumed for being straight and I just think it's dumb, because often the people who do it are on a diversity kick. I do feel like lesbians are invisible to some degree but I think it is a cool superpower.

      [–]TheOnyxGoddess 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      On my end, it's just a blatant incorrect fact. I don't get annoyed by it, I get pissed off for the reasons behind it (e.g. don't try to dress pretty, no boyfriend). It just shows the level of stupidity of the society I live in and there's no escape because I have to live in it. You might think this would only be from the uneducated groups, but it was a nice mix bag of one of the top 20 students of the grade and the students of the lowest academic rung, but for crying out loud I'm not a lesbian and I just don't want to date. I should probably cut them some slack though, it's been many years, but then again how society works in highschool is often how it works in the area where the school resides.

      [–]spirette 14 insightful - 5 fun14 insightful - 4 fun15 insightful - 5 fun -  (7 children)

      Because straight/bi women worship dick and don't want to be associated with lesbians who aren't "real" (read: dick-sucking and dick-pleasing) women. As long as they say yes to dick, women can hope to gain some status and some crumbs from men. Not much of course, but something. Lesbians don't get any of this so these straight/bi women (same thing) are just revealing what they think of us and how terrified they are to lose male approval.

      [–]sootsprite 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

      There are definitely women who seem to revolve their lives around pleasing men, but saying that straight/bi women as a group "worship dick" is quite demeaning

      [–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Agreed. That whole comment reeks of misogyny.

      [–]oofreesouloo 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

      I personally also didn't like the fact that she said straight and bi women are the "same thing". Yes, some of the bi women, especially those with a preference for men, are almost the same as straight women, but there are also several bi women who have nothing to do with straight women and that, besides, prefer women. Putting all the bi women in the same "box" didn't seem fair at all to me.

      [–]spirette 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

      93% of bi women solely date men. So that's 7% of them who actually date women. They are a tiny minority and every lesbian knows it. If you want to play the notallbiwomen! game, be my guest. But the odds are not in your favor.

      [–]oofreesouloo 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

      It was the way you phrased it. Worshiping dick =/= liking men 😅

      [–]spirette 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

      that's basic feminist (specifically radfem) lingo. Look it up. I forget this sub isn't particularly feminist. Or perhaps a lot of women here are very young. I don't know.

      [–]oofreesouloo 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Yep, but this isn't a feminist place 😅

      [–]PopeyesChicken 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      They usually either like being called it or are grossed out. I wish it was just neutral but it seems like that’s a long way away.

      [–]LesbianInExile 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I think at heart - even if they pretend to be liberal and think everyone is equal - most (all?) straight/bi women think lesbians are lesser than them and are offended if someone thinks they are one. I'm reminded of leafleting at Pride or other gay events that attract a lot of straight women and we'd always be cautious when handing out leaflets in case we gave one to a straight woman because she might be offended that we thought she could be a lesbian. These were LGB events, these were ostensibly liberal, progressive, gay-friendly women turning up to show their support and yet we - from past experience -were very conscious that they would probably be offended that anyone might think they were a lesbian and even if that kind of space we thought we were the ones who should tiptoe around and make sure we didn't offend them by assuming that they were lesser like us.

      I've seen it with bi women too eg getting offended when social media suggests they join a lesbian group ie why would it think I'm a gross lesbian just because I'm female, follow all the LGBT stuff and go on all the time about how sexy female celebrities are (while being married to a bloke, obviously).

      [–]yousaythosethings 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I think context is everything. Are they getting accused of checking someone out? Is someone assuming their sexual orientation based on their clothing style? Are they being accused of being a lesbian for pejorative/derogatory reasons?

      Are they bisexual and not lesbian? It is totally appropriate and honestly ideal for a bisexual woman to say "Actually I'm bisexual."

      I don't know what it's like to be a lesbian at your age OP, but when I was your age the only girls getting accused of being lesbians were very masculine and awkward and it was used to shame and bully them. In the case of someone who it turned out was a lesbian, it was easier for her to deny it than to say "yea and so?" because I have no idea if she even knew she was.

      Where I am geographically, at my age, and the circles I'm in I don't think it's as common to vocally presume someone's a lesbian unless they're getting hit on, but it might be wishful thinking. People tend to mind their own business here. The only who I've ever been invited to speculate on the sexuality of are men, and that's a game I won't play and have no interest in, in any case.

      [–][deleted] 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

      Dumb stereotypes about us.

      [–]Happy_face_caller 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

      Because they equate female homosexuality with the aesthetics of and being an actual man, anyone attracted to women is a man in their mind so mistaking them as a gay woman is suggesting they are masculine presenting

      Also I think heterosexuals are very preoccupied with sex (based on observation of culture which they dominate) and if you mention sexual orientations They don’t see it as just information, they Actually picture The sex in their mind, since they are somehow allowed to be horrified by the body of the opposite sex being sexualized they become aghast at the notion.

      Also it’s culturally acceptable for them to be openly horrified instead of using a modicum of respectful discretion

      [–]lmaonope333 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      yeah. my sister is straight but she has short hair and doesn't dress feminine. she told me that lesbians constantly nod at her in public and she seemed pretty pissed about it

      her short hair is due to a medical condition so I get it that she doesn't want people to define her based on that, but shes also said some extremely homophobic things to me

      [–]zephyranthes 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      The null hypothesis is that a given person is heterosexual, because they're the majority. For you to suspect it's not so, there must be some evidence to the contrary - instead of making a safe, default, most-probably-true assumption, you are actively denying their heterosexuality.

      Some of them may be offended they're being called out as deliberately "gender-nonconforming" and participating in identity politics. Some of them may be offended that they're being called out as "gender-nonconforming" for acting in sensible and effective ways, as if it's abnormal for women (a sexist assumption).

      [–]biggreensunglasses 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I told my sister she looked like a lesbian when she was going through chemo and she found it hilarious.

      I might have vaguely insulted myself come to think of it.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

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