You’re too young. Age gap, Is 12 years to much?

submitted by LenaScrpn1111 from self.Lesbians

2015, I’m in my late 20s interested in a friend of a friend. She’s in her early 40s, she shows interest also until she finds out my age. Says I’m a little too young. We leave it at that just stay casual friends, talk at gatherings, FaceTime, text, no hard feelings.

2020, I’m now in my early 30s she in her mid late 40s. We are still friends we talk a little more than usual everyone’s home more due to COVID. Everything’s pretty much the same.

July 2020 I had my first seizure, my mom calls everyone, everyone freaks out and is concerned, understandable. I have never been sick, first time in 30 years I have been in the hospital.

August 2020, had my second seizure, again everyones running around with their heads cut off freaking out worried. Tests and scans nothing is found, put on Keppra, meds to stop seizures.

Mutual friend told her about the second seizure and she came to visit me on several occasions and we started to get close.

November 2020, my birthday she brings a cake and gifts. She stays over, watch movies. We are intimate. Next morning she comments, “you’re so young”. I let it roll off, I know what I’m like if I get angry, I lash out try to hurt with my words, so I ignore it she left.

Yesterday she stops by unannounced I haven’t talked to her since my birthday. I let her stay she drove from the state up. Too much is going on I don’t have the energy for a discussion and I’m stressed and exhausted from the last 6 months. The doctor appointments more EEGS and scans.

I’m glad that she comes because I miss her and the intimacy. But she does it again brings up the age gap. What the hell was the point of coming down if you want to start this shit again? Over a 12 year difference. I’m now so pissed off that any attempt she makes to talk to me I completely shut down and shut off. I want to be mean and hurtful. I want to leave the house so bad but I can’t drive and I can’t go for a walk and cool down because I can’t find my damn Apple Watch (seizure app, fall alert). So I told her to leave. So now I’m sitting here watching this cheesy ass lesbian Netflix movie going crazy.

TLDR: Friends with an older woman who I want a relationship with but she doesn’t because of our age difference. Even though we have been intimate. I’m old enough to fuck and be friends with but nothing more. I’m 33 she’s 45.

Is that age gap really a big deal when I’m in my 30s? I really needed to vent. Im thinking about just stopping all contact until things quiet down on my end.

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[–]RoseTeddy 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Sorry but I think the "you're so young" stuff is just her way of saying that she doesn't want a relationship with you without actually saying it. If she had no reservations about being intimate with you and she can connect to you on a friendship level then I don't think the age difference is what's holding her back. She is probably trying to be less hurtful by turning you down that way.

[–]LenaScrpn1111[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

That could be a possibility. In the last 5 years that we have known each other she has had relationships with other people that haven’t worked out. I’ll keep that in mind.

[–]piylot 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I've had someone comment about me being young before on a date, and at the time it made me feel insecure but once I was out of the situation I think it was more likely they were actually feeling insecure about being older and didn't mean to offend me. My vote is to bring it up, ask her about her reservations, how much you both notice the age gap and experiences with age gaps before etc. But ultimately you're very likely to be at different life stages and if she'd prefer a relationship with someone in a similar life stage to her that's what she wants. And let us know how it goes

[–]LenaScrpn1111[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Im just not seeing it though. I think I would get it if I was 18 and she 30. Or I was 45 and she 57. But our lives aren’t the much different. I’m not in college. I’m not planning on having children. We are both settled in our careers so it’s just going over my head.

I will definitely speak to her once I can do so calmly and rationally.

[–]TheSunAlsoSucks 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Well, you were 18 when she was 30, and you will be 45 when she is 57. That's a lot to take in when you are thinking about a relationship with someone. She may be looking for ms. Right and sees you as looking for ms. Right now because of the language you are using to talk about the age difference. I would be a little cautious as well, I think.

[–]votkriscan 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I've once encountered a slightly similar situation as you! I was in the process of getting to know lesbian/bi women in general from a crowd which leans older. And I've had a few tell me, "Are you aware that there is a 10 year age-gap between us?" But I'm in my early 30's not 16! They are in various stages of 40's.

I have some thoughts about this. For example, even though women in their 20's are attractive, I can understand why women in the 30's age range may not wish to be seriously involved in a long-term relationship with them. The first part is because that is the age where you explore life, enjoy it and figure yourself out. The next, and probably more important one, is that they have time to waste. Anything they don't want, they can start over, no biggie. But let's take a woman who is 49. How many times you want to start over? You'd be 60 by then.

However, as you mentioned, when it comes to 30s,40s,50s, the gap does get narrower, so it's exasperating for sure. So perhaps that is the angle? How serious are you when it comes to a relationship with her? Like do you just hope to generally be in a relationship till it wears it's course, or can you see yourself still wanting to be with her when you reach her age (longer-term view)? Maybe you can sound out the matter on that part.

[–]LenaScrpn1111[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yesss, you get it! I do not take relationships lightly, and I put my all into it if I feel safe and secure. I want this for the next 20 years as corny as that sounds.

I feel like I should write down all the possible obstacles. Menopause, retirement, illness. But I’m okay with it all.

It seems like this is something I can’t solve without speaking to her and getting down to the root of everything and going from there.

Thanks for your input!

[–]WildwoodFlower 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This woman is sending you such mixed signals (hell, they are beyond signals), so I can see why you're wondering what's going on with her. Maybe there is something specific about the age gap that makes her nervous. For example, maybe she doesn't want to get involved with a younger woman because she is afraid a younger woman might want kids? Or, on the flip side, maybe she is afraid a younger woman won't want to get seriously involved? I don't know... I think you should talk it out with her.

[–]divingrightintowork 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

I'm have a 10 yr age gap, they're 30 yrs younger than me (28/37 when we started - diff't birthdays) - I just had a direct convo about age stuff early on - she seems to be bringing it up, so talk to her about it.

[–]LenaScrpn1111[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

If you don’t mind answering, who was concerned you or your partner and generally speaking how did that convo go?

[–]divingrightintowork 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I wouldn't say either of us were "really" concerned - though more me than them - I like to address things head on - and also know what I want - so I wanted to make sure that wouldn't be A Thing / Would be OK, along with other various things like expectations, long term goals in life and dating. etc.
That said if the ages had been reversed I would have done the same thing as well. In your case, from what I've read, I may say something like "You keep saying that I'm so young, why is that / what do you mean when you say that?"