Just sharing some thoughts. Can anyone relate?

submitted by notsuper8 from self.Lesbians

Sup! I'm not sure what I expect by sharing this, but I need to vent, so here it goes.

I feel lonely where I am. I live in this town since I was born and I feel like everything is the same. Wanting to leave is something that has always been on my mind, but it's a little bit far from happening and the pandemic spoiled some plans, now everything is on pause.

The reason why I'm sharing this is that I saw once on True Lesbians on Reddit a post about whether or not to lower expectations about relationships and preferences, and since I feel this way about where I'm, I also feel the same about people around here. Almost as if they were all the same. I don't even want to go on dates anymore, but I also want love, I just don't think this is the right place and moment.

Can anyone relate? If so, I'd appreciate some thoughts.

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[–]whateverbeaver 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I think this may be the greatest time, for everyone really, to learn how to be alone. To learn that one's own company is not lesser than that of another, particularly if that other company does not add anything positive, and perhaps even subtracts, from one's life. Being confident in being alone and owning who you are, I can honestly tell you, is what will end up scoring you a woman you truly deserve. As the Buddha said, the one most worthy of your compassion is you :)

[–]notsuper8[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Wow, that's deep! Yeah, I've been thinking about the positive side of being alone. I used to go from a woman to another woman pretty easily, and now, this is the first time that I'm actually alone.

[–]notsuper8[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

by the way, thanks for your thoughts.

[–]whateverbeaver 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hey, np. It is deep to think about. And in the beginning, admitting that you're alone can be tough. But I've found acceptance is key. And then getting stuff done while alone and showing yourself that hey, you can do great things by yourself :)

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

Honestly I'm one of those people who believes if you really want to move nothing can stop you except your own fear and perceived barriers. This is coming from someone who has lived on three continents and 7 different cities. Rent is also cheaper right now because of covid. If you want help planning your move and job searching I got you!

[–]notsuper8[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yes, please! I had some plans but after covid everything went downhill. I'll text you in private!

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sure!! Private message me !

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think I can relate. I felt lonely for years, but it had more to do with my friendships. It took my dad passing away to push me to make the changes I needed to make and to get away from everything and everyone that was either a frenemy or who wasn’t helping me to be the best version of my self that I can be on an internal level.

I moved away and it was totally worth it. I didn’t pick Florida for the dating or lesbians or anything like that. I picked it for me and for what I needed at the time and I think that’s what’s most important. Being and living in a place where you can feel and be authentically you, and by living that then things start to happen in whatever way they need to for you to grow.

When you’re living your best life and being the best person you can be in the moment eventually that right person, job, home, etc shows up for you.

I think I recall the post your referring to from TL. I think the idea behind lowering expectations in regards to dating is to be realistic and to not expect perfection from another person or your self. Real love is not perfect, a real relationship is not perfect, and to be honest it’s not for everyone and you have to figure out if that’s what you want or not.

Some people want to party and fool around with various different people and then there are people like me who want to build a life with the right person and have a family. Then there are people who are in between on that spectrum and you just have to be realistic and honest about where you fall in that spectrum and then be realistic and honest about the women you date to see if what you want is the same/similar enough for flexibility or too different to be able to compromise on.

Lowering your expectations to me just means being flexible and open to compromising on whatever needs flexibility or compromise. It doesn’t mean compromising your core values or your real needs though. Like thinking “oh I would never date someone who is/does XYZ” or “I would never do, be, live XYZ” figure out that stuff about yourself and then figure out if some, all or none of those thought processes are holding you back from getting what it is that you truly need. Be open to change where change needs to be made.

You sound like you need to love your self first before you can have the real kind of love you need from another person. And that’s okay.

Being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. Like I am pretty much alone where I am in my life, but I haven’t felt that lonely feeling I used to feel before I made this move. Having contentment is a blessing and I hope you get that soon. Just don’t be afraid to reach for it because you can make it happen, no matter what comes your way.

[–]censorshipment 1 insightful - 4 fun1 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 4 fun -  (10 children)

You can casually date women you aren't really into until you move somewhere with your preferred dating pool. The onus is on them not to catch feelings for you.

[–]ShotsFired 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

What's the point in dating people you're not into? I personally think being alone is much better than that.

[–]censorshipment 1 insightful - 5 fun1 insightful - 4 fun2 insightful - 5 fun -  (5 children)

Depends. I've a friend of 15 years who wants to marry me... she asked me in May 2020. We've had "dates" when I'm in the mood for a romantic night (we don't have sex). She knows I'll never be with her, so she's consenting to it willingly. I think more single lesbians should do this instead of being lonely (lacking romance). As long as you're not completely unattracted to a woman, dating should not be that bad. I think my friend is about 40-50% attractive (I like her physically, but she's too feminine/girly)... so it's easy to "date" her.

[–][deleted] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Even if that's not a painful deal for you, that sounds super painful for her and I would not be able to put someone through that.

[–]censorshipment 1 insightful - 5 fun1 insightful - 4 fun2 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

She's fine. We air signs aren't really emotional... she's a Libra, I'm a Gemini... it works.

[–]Srime 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Fam, that sounds awful

[–]ShotsFired 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

For me being single doesn't equal being lonely so I wouldn't be interested in something like that.

[–]censorshipment 1 insightful - 4 fun1 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Lonely as in lacking romance, which I specified. I don't get lonely, but I do get bored with platonic friendships. I enjoy flirting and being a tease.

[–]notsuper8[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I've been thinking about it and I might go for it at some point. There are some pros and cons that I'm still reflecting on. Thanks for your thought :)

[–]censorshipment 1 insightful - 5 fun1 insightful - 4 fun2 insightful - 5 fun -  (1 child)

Your "needs" come first. It's okay to be self-centered and do whatever makes you feel good even it's only for an hour, as long as it's consensual. I think that's why so many lesbians (and women in general) are involuntarily single, lonely, "touch-starved", etc... you care far too much about how you will affect women you get involved with and don't care enough about your own gratification.

[–]notsuper8[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, I think a lot about it. I can be cold sometimes and I'm afraid of hurting other women for not being reciprocal (and I believe in karma, so I'm afraid for me as well :P)

[–]piylot 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I think if you can enjoy short term things or dates with women you know you won't fall in love with, and you're up front about not looking for anything casual then go for it, or at least try it. I think committing to a relationship where you know you're settling because you feel you won't find anything better will end badly. Have you had any experiences with this?

I think if you've had a sustained curiosity about moving towns then it's worth looking into ways you could make that plan happen. Even if you don't choose to do it, thinking through a realistic plan might help you reflect more on the pros and cons of it.

Broadly I can relate, I'm currently making plans to leave where I live now and wondering how much it will change in my life.

[–]notsuper8[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I guess I just miss feeling something, but if I go on dates and all, it'll be only for physical purposes because I definitely don't want a relationship rn (I don't want strings due to my bigger purposes).

I had some plans that I could do more easily, but now I'm re-thinking (and overthinking) everything.

Thanks for your thoughts! :)