all 14 comments

[–]winterwillow 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

Hi! I haven't really been in your position, but I've been on the other side of the fence so to speak, so I thought I'd share my thoughts. I'm in my thirties for reference.

So me and my first serious girlfriend had a good sex life, but when we moved in together (in retrospect too early maybe) it hit a slump. This was entirely because of me, I had relationship issues from my childhood (not sexual abuse) I wasn't aware of. So the first months were difficult, and my gf was of course concerned, (me too!), but I contacted health care, we saw it through and it did pick up again after three months maybe. I think it was also both of us getting used to living together and entering a new phase in our relationship. So I fully get not wanting to have sex/dry spells in a relationship, that's normal but not for years unless there's other complications.

You also write about being 'first gf' for most of your partners. Now I don't know if that includes your current gf, but the thing is, if someone's never been with a girl/had a gf before of course the first months are going to be exciting no matter how attracted they truly are to this 'first gf'. (Not saying you're unattractive of course!) And if they're bi/have only been with men, they might have idealized ideas of what a lesbian relationship/sex will be for them, that reality might not live up to.

Not saying this is what's going on with your gf but the combination of a) not appearing to be attracted to you b) citing bad experiences with men c) not being motivated to work on it is concerning. Of course she might be a lesbian, but her not seeing herself having sex with men again doesn't automatically make her one. And as lesbians, we shouldn't have to be the saviors or consolation prizes to women who don't want to be with men, but don't particularly want to be with women either. It's not biphobia to want a partner who's attracted to you the same way you are to her, it's normal. You have every reason to want that and to feel upset about the state of your relationship.

No matter what's going on with your gf, it is in the end her issue to solve, and I say this as someone who's had these kind of problems. If she doesn't want to have sex/don't see the issue/maybe isn't even attracted to you, there's nothing you can do really, besides to wait and see and it seems like you have done for quite some time. I wont say talk to her, since it's such generic advice, but maybe try bringing up the lack of sex and see how she reacts/how she feel about it? Maybe you'll get some answers from that.

[–]berlin13[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

Thank you for your words! I agree that the most concerning thing is her unwillingness to do something about the issue. We have talked about it countless times, and it gets more frustrating as time passes.She has told me that she feels pressured (not by me, by the situation) because she knows that there’s a problem, and that that pressure has made things even worse, and now every time something is about to happen, the problem pops into her head, making it more difficult. I understand that, and I too feel more pressured everytime something seems to be starting in bed. At first I would try a lot more, but I’m starting to give up. I worry I won’t even want to be intimate with her anymore, because having her reject my advances is too hurtful, and i’m tired. I would never judge her or anyone who is having self issues or issues with sex, i’m sure most of us deal or have dealt with that at some point. But if that is the case, if she believes she is attracted to me like she tells me, and that this will pass, i would like to see her doing something about it you know? Every time we talk about this she reassures me that she likes me, but then nothing changes. She has even told me that she is afraid of doing things wrong, and doesn’t know how to please me (i’ve told her many times about what i prefer/like, she doesn’t seem to listen). It might not be ok to judge someone else’s attraction or sexuality, but she doesn’t seem to like women.When we first met, we hit it off because we had lots of chemistry and we were both very open about sex, it started as a hook up type of deal. Then after a couple of months it became romantic and here we are. I know that she had lots of sexual partners in the past (mostly men) and I liked that about her, i liked that she lived her sexuality like that. But then it just stopped? Again, i know couples go through dry spells, but our entire relationship has been a dry spell. It gets tiring hearing about her past sexcapades with men, while going through this

[–]winterwillow 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Thanks for replying! Ok I'm going to be honest, that's actually worse than I imagined. I assumed from your post that she knew about it, but was pretty oblivious as to how much the lack of sex was an issue for you.

From what you're writing now, it seems that she knows, says it'll change and then nothing happens. And up front she says it's because of her issues, but then she subtly puts the responsability on you by saying she can't please you, that she is a lesbian (so that her orientation wont be seen as a possible cause) and telling you about all the times other (male) partners pleased her. Being open about sexual experiences and having much of it is great, but there's a time and place for it. She might be the sweetest girl otherwise, but this behavior is not ok to me, just judging from what you've told me.

I'm sorry you've ended up in this situation! If she was motivated to do something about it, ilke you write, it would be different of course. There's sadly the possibility that the reason she doesn't try to do anything is because she knows what the real issue is, but she doesn't want to lose you, because she loves you and is happy with other aspects of the relationship. But you're both in your twenties I assume, and you both deserve relationships with mutual attraction and health sex lives. I know it's hard, but maybe it can help seeing it that way. That if it ends it might be the best for both of you, not just for yourself.

[–]berlin13[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Yes, i’m pretty sure now that we are heading for a break up. I guess I still have some hope left, and it’s very painful because other aspects of our relationship aren’t bad at all. I don’t think she is aware that she isn’t sexually attracted to me. What makes this 10x harder is the fact that I can’t talk about this with anyone. Imagine how insane it sounds to say that you dont think your partner of 3 years likes you. I’ve met plenty of girls that think they like women, and how could they not? When “lesbian sex” for them is another girl making sure they have a good time, with no reciprocation whatsoever. This issue i’m having made me realize that most of my sexual experiences have been exactly that, me being a pleaser, and that’s it, usually nothing in return. And that might be fun sometimes, but I’m tired of feeling like i’m not desired, even by girls that “like me”. I want to feel like my body is beautiful too, and all that jazz. It’s funny because now that i’m an adult it feels like I’ve gone full circle and feel just as lonely and as weird as i did back when i was a teen, wondering if I would ever find love. Sorry if this is tmi! I had all this bottled up, and thanks again for your kind words

[–]winterwillow 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

You're welcome! And yeah I know, I was in a relationship where we were doing great just the two of us, but where she had other issues outside of that, and in the end I had to break it off. I was still in love with her but the situation as a whole was unsustainable. It was very painful, but looking back I did the right thing, because her situation is still the same, and I would still be in it with her hoping for change if I'd stayed. It might sound insane saying your gf doesn't like you when you say it to yourself, but I hope if you voice your concerns with your friends that they will see your side of the story.

No worries about the tmi :) One of the reasons I answered your post is because it's maybe the third I've read in a short time with just this kind of issue. (and I'm banned from replying on some places on reddit lol) I don't want to police how people have sex, but at least to me, these one-side relationship are outliers and shouldn't represent how lesbian sex mostly works. No one should feel like well I'm a pleaser or I identify as a top, so it's normal that my gf doesn't touch me, doesn't want me to undress, doesn't initiate sex, uncaringly rolls away after she's done. Unless this is something both parties want and have agree upon of course.

I hope that eventually you'll come out of this feeling like you learned something about yourself and what you want in a girlfriend. You might feel like you've gone backwards, but that might have a lot to do with you having been rejected over and over by the one person who should want you the most. I do wish you the best, and if you feel like giving me an update on how it's going for you feel free to send me a DM!

[–]berlin13[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you, that’s lovely of you. The one sided sex thing that you mention, it’s really like that... it’s just another reason why lesbian only spaces like this are necessary in my opinion. I can’t imagine the types of responses I would get if I had posted this in a ‘lesbian’ subreddit. Last year i had a date with a girl (lesbian) that I knew. It was consensual, as in me and my gf had an open relationship for a while (she didn’t put it into practice though, didn’t meet anybody or anything). I didn’t have full on sex with my date, but there was some couch action sort to speak, and the contrast was insane. I felt like that girl actually liked me, and wanted my body in a different way that I hadn’t felt in forever. I’m sure that there are bisexual girls that really like women like I do, and hell, maybe my gf has a problem with me, i dont want to judge her same sex attraction based just on this.... but idk, if i end up being single again i will stick to lesbians

[–]reluctant_commenter 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Hey, sorry to jump in but I also had a similar experience as OP a while back, lol. Your replies really helped me as well, thank you. You said you'd heard of other examples of this happening before-- mind if I ask where? This whole post is very relatable to me and I thought I had some sort of crazy, one-off experience so I guess I am just kind of grasping at straws trying to pick up on what exactly this might be.

[–]winterwillow 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sure, I'll send you a PM with the link!

[–]reluctant_commenter 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Hey-- without elaborating a ton, I think it's safe to say I've been through something similar. Even right down to the detail of having tons of chemistry right off the bat, for a couple months and then nothing and no interest from my (now ex) in trying again, etc. It took me way too long to get myself to leave that relationship. If you want to vent or chat more about experiences, feel free to message. Really sorry to hear you're going through this.

[–]berlin13[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you! I might actually drop you a message!!

[–]Golly 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Whenever I see a relationship situation like this, the obvious solution is "break up". I know, easy for me to say that as an outsider looking in

[–]berlin13[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah... i think that we are headed to that. It’s just hard and painful, and made me realize many things about my sex life which is never easy either

[–]HelloMomo 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

For the topic of the decline of sex within an otherwise happy relationship, I really recommend the work of Esther Perel. She's an absolutely brilliant couple's therapist who's done a lot of talks that are available on youtube. I'd probably recommend you start off with her ted talk although honestly I'd recommend basically all her works, for anyone.

[–]berlin13[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you, i’ll definitely check that out!