Girlfriend's past with men makes me feel sick

WildwoodFlower · 2021-08-29T02:01:50+00:00

I'm over 50, and nearly all of the lesbians I know have not only slept with men, they were also married to them at one time. Some of them had children with those men. I think there are more gold stars among the younger generations, so you could restrict your dating pool to women who have only been with other women. Or to virgins who haven't yet been with anyone.

I think hearing a girlfriend talk about the men she'd be with if she were straight is bothersome on a different level. It sounds to me like she was trying to stir you up and drive you crazy with that kind of talk. It's one thing to have slept with men, but it's something else to go on and on about it knowing it upsets your girlfriend. Did you ever ask her if she was bi? To me, it sounds like she might be.

LesChameleon · 2021-08-29T14:56:10+00:00

Sorry to hear you're going through this but I think your concern is totally valid. First of all, no one wants to listen about their partner's exes a lot, even more so when the sentence starts with "if I were straight".

It seems to me that there are a few possibilities here:

She's not actually lesbian (I actually dated a girl like this - I was only her second girlfriend and she would constantly tell everyone she was a lesbian despite having been in a really long relationhip with men before; later on sshe dated a guy again).
She's trying to get some reaction out of you on purpose
Internalized homophobia and wishing she were straight so that "life would be easier" or whatever

Maybe try talking to her and if she doesn't explain or change her behaviour, it's a red flag

reluctant_commenter · 2021-08-29T05:06:22+00:00

I'm a gold star, I feel sick anytime a lesbian mentions she's slept with men. It seems like such an awful thing to go through and they talk about it so casually.

I was pressured into dating men by homophobic family members. I never talk about it casually, and almost never do at all. It deeply harmed me and I am still trying to emotionally recover from it, and the idea that many lesbian women might want to casually talk about it all the time surprises me. You said you've seen multiple people act like this?

I don't think I'd have such a problem with it except, moreso at the beginning of our relationship, she'd constantly talk about what kind of guys she'd date "if she were straight." Like just out of the blue.

That seems really strange, that it was on her mind so often. Perhaps she subscribes to the TQ+ definition of "lesbian" and is not actually homosexual? Just one possibility.

I hate hearing every lesbian YouTuber mention she's slept with men. How do I chill and stop being so bothered by it?

Well... to be fair, it's a really fucked up thing that so many women feel pressured into sleeping with men. So it's completely reasonable to feel angry about it. (Sorry that doesn't solve your problem, but I do want to validate your disturbed feelings!) I will add, too-- self-identified lesbian Youtubers may actually be not representative of lesbian women in general... because open and frank discussions about same-sex attraction are being censored on all major social media platforms right now, discouraging homosexual women (lesbians, us) from participating and sometimes outright banning them. I'm not saying that "lesbian who feels comfortable with her past of unfortunately having slept with men" = "bisexual" necessarily, but I wonder whether some of them might be bisexual, because the TQ+ movement is trying to encourage bisexual women to ignore their bisexuality and say they are lesbian (see "Lesbian Masterdoc" which was written by a bisexual woman). Which of course harms lesbian AND bisexual women.

Athelhilda4 · 2021-08-29T16:52:12+00:00

I tired it once. The whole thing was a terrible experience for both of us, I don't understand people who say they can sleep with people they aren't sexually attracted to.

Srime · 2021-08-29T04:09:34+00:00

Ask her to stop telling you about it if she hasn't already (its not uncommon for people in relationships to not want to hear about their partner's past partners). It is pretty weird that she's talking about "if she were straight." If she doesn't stop when you ask and explain, you might need to end a relationship.

If she agrees to and you still want to overcome your disgust about other peoples' sexual history, then stop looking up things online that you know will piss you off. The things you already know about will continue to irritate you, but you'll stop caring over time, provided you continue to stop looking for things to be mad at or paying prolonged attention to annoying things that accidentally make their way into your life.

Destresse · 2021-09-05T20:41:03+00:00

Well, what is it that bothers you exactly?

I feel the same as you, for the record, but for me it is:

the fact I have been bombarded my entire life with messages that female homosexuality doesn't really exist, and therefore seeing "lesbians" talking about their relationships with men, saying they truly loved them or whatever, upsets me. It feels like one more "female homosexuality doesn't really exist and you're the only one who can't have sex with men. You really are a defect."
I hear straight women talk about men. I hear bi women talk about men. Hearing a lesbian talk about men feels like everyday life, drowned in heterosexuality. I don't want it.
I've never been in a relationship so I don't know how I'd react exactly, but I suspect I'd be pretty upset at my girlfriend mentioning men regularly. I'd feel extremely inadequate, because heterosexuality is the norm and in more cases than not, is more enviable than homosexuality. So I'd wonder, am I wasting her time? If she likes men, why the heck is she bothering with being with me? Lol I know bi women get upset about this line of thought, but it's how I feel. (Sorry bi women)

So, I mean... You don't necessarily have anything to "get over". Depends on where your feelings come from. I'm going to be honest, it really surprises me that you'd consider therapy for this. You're a lesbian, you're not attracted to men, why is it a problem when you dislike when other lesbians (if they are lesbians at all) talk about men as though they're fine with dating them? Also, what you're describing is just plain old identification. You hear this and put yourself in their shoes and it makes you feel awful because it'd be an awful experience for you. There is nothing wrong with that...

NoaRaccoon · 2022-03-26T03:28:02+00:00

I completely understand, I went through something similar myself. And they do seem to enjoy hurting their loving lesbian girlfriend, who has real feelings for them - with being "Interesting" and bi. And not caring that it hurts you..

MyLongestJourney · 2021-09-01T22:04:41+00:00

Not sure how to deal with this

Two options :

1.Decide to deal with the fact that some lesbians did sleep with men,not because they were not homosexual but because they felt they had to in order to conform .

2.Decide not to deal with that fact and only date other gold stars.It will severely limit your already limited pool.(What with lesbians being less than 2% of the population already),but you will have like total peace of mind on that matter.

I don't think I'd have such a problem with it except, moreso at the beginning of our relationship, she'd constantly talk about what kind of guys she'd date "if she were straight."

I do not think you are dealing with a homosexual woman here....

here · 2021-09-06T12:15:30+00:00

I completely relate and am also a gold star dating a non gold star. It's really difficult to date someone with different values...in that they engaged in physical relations that was either unequal or some quality of unethical. It bugs me to my core. I'm the way you are. You're not alone. To me, it's not jealousy, it's having a legit preference in understanding between you and your girlfriend. It's not about heirarchy or insecurity, it's about being on the same page. As far as knowing how to be more chill, you can't force anything...You can feel love in different ways, including at different levels and that's beautiful.

Don't forget the depth to which you can feel love and understanding. Remember your individuality and potential capacity for love. Never let that be limited.

Lizzythelezzo · 2021-09-05T17:56:33+00:00

It sounds like you are experiencing retroactive jealousy - if you do a web search, you can find resources specifically for this issue. However, it's also very insensitive of her to constantly talk about what kind of guys she'd date "if she were straight". Unless you're in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, it's unusual to talk about attractions to others. I mean if you've both agreed to talk about crushes on others that's fine, but it's not the norm in monogamous partnerships, regardless of gender.

totallyathrowaway87 · 2021-09-21T02:29:02+00:00

I mean we live in heteronormative societies. There are women who never even know to consider other women as an option despite being lesbian. Women who beat the emotions down or wave them away as something else.

Its exactly the same thing as not being able to understand how people can join a cult or believe what a cult tells them. Except there is little room to escape when it's society itself.

They do what they're taught to do and wonder why it isn't great like everyone else makes it out to be. Then some of them discover other women and it just clicks.

You probably should go to therapy. Its no good being that insecure about it, but it's also no good for someone to bring it up a bunch without confirming if that makes their partner insecure.

Neither of those things are particularly healthy or acceptable. She should probably go to therapy too.

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