This Might Be My Last Year

submitted by OPStolen from self.RealIncels

I'm blown out of my mind. 12 years of poverty and now I'm stuck in college without any way to take a break. Every other race has a safety net. Latinos can live with their parents til they literally fucking die. White kids can jump back to daddy's house and live rent free for decades. What did my nigger family give me? Homelessness. I can't even take a gap year and go somewhere and feel safe and get food and work. I leave college without a degree, I basically live in a car until I go back. I stay in college and I get D's and F's because I'm so damn depressed I can't focus on work and can't muster up the energy to do assignments.

I'm ready to call it quits. Every day I can't help but think about all my friends that are just living life. White Parents hooked them up with a 50k a year job straight out of college and are living with their parents rent free. All my other friends getting to go back home and see their parents and get free meals every break.

I'm just ready to give up. There's a bridge an hour drive away that's empty at night time. I've been debating parking my car and jumping off that bridge every night.

I just want to be able to work and afford to live in an apartment alone. Work is so fucking mindless. You work, you go home, and that's it. College is fucking madness. You work, then go back to more work, then you've got random activities assigned to you. I'm DONE. I'm DONE. I'm fucking done.

I NEED A YEAR GAP TO JUST WORK AND LIVE WITH MY FAMILY AND GET GOOD MEALS SO I CAN MENTALLY RECOVER. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

I've tried COUNTLESS times to explain this to people. I'm trying my fucking hardest to wake up in the morning and i can't fucking move. I need time to CENTER MYSELF.

Born to niggers, bald at 21, stopped growing at 13, carless until 20, no status whatsoever, don't have a single non-nigger family member that can set me up with a job somewhere or at least introduce me to a guy. I'm ready to call it. I just can't anymore. I just fucking can't.

The only thing i ever wanted to do in life was become a poet. I can't even tell people about writing poetry without getting hit with "oh ok, that's nice" or just immediately having the topic change. My only status are the 4 poems I've published and not a single person in the universe cares. Just shows how pathetic the world is. My life dream, the dream I've had since I was 10, isn't even worth a complement from a single person.

I'm ending it this year.

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[–]jet199 2 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Maybe a better option is to go on walkabout and write a book about it.

A lot of people done very well out of that.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This sounds like its more about economic privilege and class than race to me. There are white people from poor families in similar financial situations to you, and black people like the Obama girls who have all the privilege in the world, but I'll grant statistically that black people are more likely to lack economic privilege than many other ethnic groups, but its correlation, not causation. Economic inequality can affect people from any race.

Your situation sounds like it really sucks, I experienced burnout in college too, and have struggled with depression since I was young, although I was fortunate enough to have more family support, I wish I had some magic advice to give you. I can't say I usually understand poetry very well, but it sounds like you've put a lot of yourself into these poems you've written, and I'd be happy to read em, although I'm certainly not an expert, maybe some other users would appreciate them too

[–]LadiesMan 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

The fact that I am relatively economically secure now keeps me coping as an incel. That kind of stress would break me.

[–]Lifecantrulysuck 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

"The only thing i ever wanted to do in life was become a poet. I can't even tell people about writing poetry without getting hit with "oh ok, that's nice" or just immediately having the topic change. "

Dude, that's common. That's the standard response every artist gets when their art isn't paying a living wage. You're supposed to just ignore it. It's that typical.

And really your poetry is needed to keep you going. Without that interest its just drudgery work.

[–]jet199 2 insightful - 3 fun2 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Yep, very few people make a living doing what they love.

Rather most just see their job as funding for their actual interests.

Maybe work out how much money you actually need to do the things you enjoy.

[–]Airbus320 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

You got gaslighted already lol