Recent ask metafilter:

https://ask.metafilter.com/355680/Was-this-sexual-assault

Was this sexual assault? I recently had a confusing sexual experience and it’s been bothering me.

It was my first time having sex. I was on a first date with someone, we were at the park, he started kissing me and then suggested we “find somewhere more private.” I didn’t want to have sex so I said I thought I should go home. He got me to stay and we talked some more, then he said if we did go back to my place, which was nearby, we could just cuddle and sleep. I was skeptical at first and now I feel stupid for believing him but he convinced me he was sincere, and I like cuddling, so I agreed.

We got back and he stripped down to his underwear, which I was kind of taken aback by, but I thought, maybe that’s just how he sleeps. He laughed at me for keeping my clothes on. We cuddled for a bit but it quickly turned sexual. He asked if it was okay, and I said it was. I felt uncomfortable, I wasn’t enjoying it at all, but I tried to pretend like I was because I didn’t want him to feel bad (!). I don't think it ever really occurred to me at that point to say no.

The sex itself was bad. He did seem to want me to have a good time and continually asked if what he was doing was okay; I always said yes. When it was over he said, “You know, I wouldn’t have touched you if you just wanted to sleep.” Which struck me as a weird thing to say. I was worried he felt like he had pressured me so I tried to assure him, like, “I know, I wouldn’t have let you come here if—,” and he cut me off and said he knew, he just felt like he had to say that, but he’d figured “it” was understood, and “that made it kind of hot.” I didn’t ask him what he meant at the time, but it sure sounded like he was saying he knew my reluctance to have sex was just an act—and maybe he really did believe that, because I went along with it the second time. But it didn’t feel okay.

This happened over a month ago. I’ve been going over it in my brain ever since. Maybe it just falls into the gray area of “bad sex”—I’d consented, maybe enthusiastically from his point of view, I was sober, I couldn't expect him to read my mind, etc.

But I can’t get over the fact that he didn’t just let it go after I said no the first time (I mean, I think “I should leave” is a pretty clear “no,” right?), that he lied to me to get back to my apartment, and that he seemed to think my initial no meant yes.

I just don’t know what to think about all this. I don’t know what happened, what to call it, how to feel. I had trust issues and a fear of men before this (hence the not having sex) but this encounter has made me even more mistrustful of them. I know lots of good men but deep down I kind of hate all of them right now. I have no desire to have sex again. And at the same time I feel like I’m making a big deal over nothing. Or am I? Was this assault or not?

This is why women aren't allowed to leave the house without a chaperone in some countries....