I'm glad this place exists.
I've been on r/sanctionedsuicide since late 2016, r/timetogo before the shitty mods, r/freetogo, and watched the banhammer strike r/lifeiswonderful in real time... We barely even had any posts on it before they did!
I wish we could've had some warning. My written words are comfort to me, they make me feel less alien since I can see I've gone through these crushing times before... And the words of others, their comments, their caring... nothing can hold a light to that. I've lost it all, over 2 and a half years gone. I just wish I had archived everything when I had the chance.
But anyways.
I feel okay.
From the age of 14 till 17 I have been in a constant state of mental anguish that I could never escape from, with each year I aged it only got worse.
By 18 I couldn't breathe. I could no longer see anything beyond my pain. The weight on my heart was so heavy I had multiple failed attempts, and I was desperate enough to prepare for using a method that could cripple me for life if I failed. Even just breathing could bring me to tears some nights.
For the first time I had scarred my own skin.
I could no longer cope, I had made my choice. It was over for me. I had seen and felt things I could never go back from, I was no longer who I used to be. I was done.
I sabotaged myself, destroyed anything I needed for a good future so I would have no choice but to kill myself afterwards, just in case I had ever wavered in my resolve.
But I feel okay now.
It's been exactly a year since then, and I feel more okay than I ever have in my life. I feel better, I can feel happiness again, but... I have nothing... nothing but broken pieces to pick up, a broken me.
I feel like I'm surrounded by oceans and oceans to swim through before I can reach dry land, any sort of safe haven, any kind of security.
and I don't know if I want to.
Perhaps I could though.
but I don't know if I want to.
I don't think I can ever live a happy life.
I want out.
So that's me. I used to post a lot on those subs, but since I don't go through the excruciating pain I used to anymore I doubt I will post much here (I hope not).
My life situation is only getting worse and worse because of what I did last year and unfortunately I'll be at the end of my rope soon. I can never go back. I wish I could, but I can't.
I'm giving it 3 weeks tops, until then I'll be spamming this sub on reddit to anyone who will listen, hopefully this place will become more active, and a haven for others like all the other subs were.
It's nice to meet you guys. How are you all doing?
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