all 61 comments

[–]Haylstorm 36 insightful - 3 fun36 insightful - 2 fun37 insightful - 3 fun -  (21 children)

"I do not think she passes but i humour her anyway."

Stop encouraging that behaviour. There's so much here that should've been cut off with "stop being a bitch"

[–]detaramespez raped me 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (11 children)

Agreed. People are way too polite or apathetic to say "lol no way fuck off" anymore.

[–]Datachost 13 insightful - 4 fun13 insightful - 3 fun14 insightful - 4 fun -  (9 children)

It's not necessarily an either/or either. You can still be polite and honest. If someone's been working on losing weight for a few months and asks you if they look fat in an outfit you're hardly going to say "Hell yes, you look fat in it, you tub of lard looking motherfucker". But the opposite end of that spectrum isn't good either, no matter how much you dress it up as kindness, saying "Nooo, you look gorgeous. The guys will be falling over you" isn't kind. That's just setting up false expectations.

And back in the day that's how it used to be, before people started transitioning and at almost every subsequent step doctors and clinicians would make it clear that it would likely greatly reduce their dating pool. That was the kindest thing to do, telling them the consequences in a polite and professional way. Lying to them isn't kind, saying "Of course you pass, you'll be beating the lesbians off with a stick" isn't kind. And I don't think it comes from a place of kindness either, I think for a lot of people going along with this it's self preservation, hoping that since they're the ones building up these people's confidence, that they'll be safe from being the target of their attraction.

[–]Haylstorm 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I mean in this case the partner seems to have gone female = bitchy and fallen deep into that particular rabbit hole. I'm not saying it'd help with everything but letting that behaviour go just means it escalates. The humouring is a symptom of that imo. You're not just humouring looks but everything. Not to mention it clearly skews how they think women act and what's acceptable.

Not saying people need to be super rude about it but like "why're you acting like a bitch? That's not how women act, it's not you" would probably be more beneficial. If they think that's what being a woman is about then they have a very skewed idea and honestly shouldn't be transitioning.

[–]ClassroomPast6178Problematising the things you love. 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

It does neatly give an example why groups like Stonewall want to eliminate the spousal veto provision of the law on gender recognition and why it needs to be absolutely protected.

Although I suppose with the new no fault divorce rules, transition could be doubly expensive for married AGPs, and that might make some of them rethink.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

What is the "spousal veto?" This is in the law somewhere?

[–]ClassroomPast6178Problematising the things you love. 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Under current UK law if you’re married and apply for a gender recognition certificate (to change gender) your spouse has to consent in order for the marriage/civil partnership to continue. If the partner doesn’t consent you don’t get your full certificate until you resolve the issue (i.e. divorce).

I’ve never really understood the reason for opposing the spousal veto, as it always seemed weird to me that someone would want to force their, let’s be honest, wife, to continue their marriage with a “woman” against their will, especially as divorce law as it stood at the time made it difficult to unilaterally end a marriage (the waiting period is >5years), so the wife could actually be trapped in a marriage to a “woman” for 5 years.

[–]jet199 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Because these guys actively want to trap someone in a marriage to them.

That's one of the reasons so many transition just after they get their partner pregnant.

[–]jacques1102 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

This is another reason why i do not understand how Bruce Jenner was brave for coming out.Dude,you have kids that have always looked and referred to you as their father,and now you decide to completely change into the opposite sex and be referred to as someone else.Like i'd feel like my father died and was replaced by someone else if that happened to me.

[–]jet199 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I mean they caught him wanking off in the kid's underwear before that so I'm assuming he groomed them to accept it for a long time before he went public.

Which turned out so well for their mental health.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oof, wow. UK divorce law is a lot different from any US state's divorce law.

Seems like you all are ahead of us on gender issues (in a good way).

[–]detaramespez raped me 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You're actually right, too

[–]Haylstorm 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I just think it's a lot healthier to be called out so that you can correct behaviour. Like at the very start when the judgement started you need to have a real conversation with them about it. Not brush it off but see why they think that. I wouldn't want a partner that's acting like that. Most people wouldn't.

[–]iamonlyoneman 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Women being too nice is unironically MOST of the problem with trains getting into women's spaces. It will take women putting their feet down in a not-nice way to stop the TRA.

[–]Haylstorm 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hopefully we're seeing the start of a turn. Most women I know aren't in favour of it, but won't say anything because you know they like being employed. With the turn I think more people will start to speak out if they're not getting punished for having a 'wrong' opinion.

[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

One of my favorite posts here (can't remember exactly which sub) was about some Reddit transbian who tried to hit on a chick at a lesbian bar. Chick just said something like "oh fuck no" and left.

It's like one of my favorite TERFs, Jennifer Bilek, likes to say: "'No' is a complete sentence."

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 4 fun3 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)


"Look, buddy, I didn't spend 4 years at Lesbian School to deal with your dingaling."

[–]Femaleisnthateful 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

There's no way forward expect for the OP to get a divorce. Any boundary she establishes or truth she tells will be read as 'transphobia'.

[–]IMissPorn 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I didn't see any mention of them being married, which will make things a little easier, legally if not emotionally.

[–]Haylstorm 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Which is why you need it from the start imo. The humouring makes it get pushed and pushed.

[–]Femaleisnthateful 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

We also need a culture that doesn't villify anyone who doesn't 'validate' a man's 'identity'.

[–]Alienhunter 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Leave at as an example for people. If your partner transitions your best option is to leave immediately and don't ever look back. Any of your friends who give you shit for it are not your friends.

[–]Caessium 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I really don't understand anyone who doesn't leave, even without their partner doesn't immediately become a raging asshole. It's one thing to suddenly decide you were a woman and you'd always been one. It's entirely different to spring that on your unsuspecting partner, demanding her to forget your name and your life as a man, refer to you with different pronouns and think of herself as a lesbian to validate you. It's beyond me how anyone's default reaction in this situation isn't 'It's nice that you found yourself, but I haven't signed up for this. It's over."

[–]Haylstorm 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Depends on how entrenched you are socially with them I think. A lot of people don't want to lose a job/entire friend group and so on. There does often feel like there's an element of social coercion going on.

[–]SneakyBishop 14 insightful - 2 fun14 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 2 fun -  (6 children)

Her story belongs on this website: Trans Widows Voices

[–]thethrowawayReddit refugee 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (5 children)

Is there something like this for men? My ex girlfriend is a "they" now and surgically removed her breasts and is taking hormone shots. I bought the ring and was ready to propose right before all this happened. Ive been looking for a community or at least a place to share

[–]SneakyBishop 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I haven't found a place like this for men, but I think this sub would be appropriate. Sorry to hear about your friend. Your insights listed below are quite telling (the grooming for example). It's so self destructive to treat the problem with surgery instead of addressing why someone isn't comfortable in their own body with the parts that they have.

[–]thethrowawayReddit refugee 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I am beyond frustrated that the problem was treated with surgery, drugs and a new identity rather than seeing a therapist about it. She was always uncomfortable with her maturing body (but I understand thats normal in lots of women) and she had a few traumas centered around her breasts that she never spoke to a therapist about.

As soon as she became trans, her breasts went from "i dont like these and i wont look at them in the mirror if i can help it" to "i literally have a panic attack if i have to be naked, i cant shower anymore". The trans ideology made her accept her mental illness instead of confronting it, made things significantly worse, and then solved the newly created problem with permanent surgery. That part of it scared me the most.

[–]voat 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

I'm sorry to hear that man, that sucks. Are you still in contact with her/"them"?

[–]thethrowawayReddit refugee 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I am actually. Me and her (them) are very good friends still, despite it all. When the transition happened, her and I spent some time apart so that she could "find herself", and we reconciled a few months after the fact with her revealing to me that she wanted to identify as nonbinary now. I had no idea that the break we had was due to her becoming trans. I thought it was just a mental health thing, because she was in a bad place due to family issues. This was mid 2019. At the time I didn't care, I had no idea what nonbinary or trans even meant really. She wanted to date me again and wanted to live a life with me like we always used to talk about when we were younger and lived together. I told her I needed to educate myself before dating someone that was trans. I joined the subreddit r/mypartneristrans (same one as OPs post was in) and joined their discord to learn more about what being trans meant and how I could learn to be a better partner to her, but everything I learned felt cultlike and full of groomers. Their entire movement seriously rubbed me the wrong way and I felt uncomfortable learning about their beliefs that were so different from my own beliefs. Within a few months of studying the trans community and heavily browsing various trans subs like egg_irl, traaaaaans, etc, I learned enough about the movement to gain an opposing viewpoint towards it all, and I started going on r/tunblrinaction and the like because they had very sane takes on the whole thing.

I told her I didn't feel attracted to somebody who is not female, which she took surprisingly well. We've remained friends since. For a while it was weird to see the girl I once loved slowly lose her femininity and get a deeper voice, lose her breasts, cut her hair, etc, but eventually I stopped seeing her as an ex-lover and started seeing her as just a friend. At this point I have 0 romantic feelings towards her, but I still mourn the loss of what was a very promising relationship. She feels like 100% a different person than I knew those years ago. It feels like the girl I knew died. We're still good friends but I feel like I lost my chance at a young love like I always dreamed of, I wanted to get married young and have kids in my mid 20s while I was still in the prime of my youth for having healthy children. I'm getting close to 30 now and still single so that dream is gone.

Thank you for listening to my story.

[–]Zapped 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

You have described your situation very well and seem to have processed it for the better. I have realized that life and it's opportunities have the element of timing and if the timing is not right, you can't look back with regret. It's out of your control. Look back on what you were able to experience and let that experience help guide you in the future.

As for being in your 30's, I thought the same thing. I got married at age 38 and almost exactly a year later our son was born. Neither of us had been married before or had children, and had thought that was not going to happen. Life can change quickly, especially when you look back. I had given up on children and even wondered about marriage.

[–]ClassroomPast6178Problematising the things you love. 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

I’m willing to bet that should the boyfriend have become obsessed with any other new interest, be it roleplaying games, cars or ballroom dancing, to the extent that they have adopted their transness (because it sounds exactly like a stereotypical male obsessive interest, which is how you get 400sqft scale railway layouts and the ability to list all the FA Cup winners and the final game scores from memory) she would have dumped him without looking back.

I suspect she was only too happy to play along whilst she got to virtue signal, but as the novelty wore off and the reality sunk in it lost its appeal but he was now undumpable.

[–]Haylstorm 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I mean the behaviour changes here just sound tiring. No one wants a partner that's a one issue all the time person. It was actually quite sad to read them watching the person their partner was slip away. She def should've shut some shit down well in advance though. I think that's what made it keep getting worse. The going along with it.

[–]ClassroomPast6178Problematising the things you love. 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Yes, toleration can be read as encouragement by someone with problematic behaviours. Seems to be what has happened to society, whilst we were being tolerant, live and let live, you do you, none of my business, the fetishists got emboldened and now they’re unstoppable.

[–]Haylstorm 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

People push boundaries and when they don't find one they keep going. As a society we do need some hard lines imo. Otherwise eventually everything just ends up like...well this post.

[–]ClassroomPast6178Problematising the things you love. 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

The mistake might have been monetising the fight for equality. Once it became people’s source of income and prestige they were going to be very reluctant to declare victory, pack up and go home, especially when the actual hard bits of the fight (the bits with the personal risk and chance of failure) were over.

[–]Newzok 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Is personality change a hormone thing? I know testosterone changes people.

[–]Haylstorm 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sounds like it was them falling down the rabbit hole of expected behaviour who developed a victim complex tbh.

[–]iamonlyoneman 10 insightful - 3 fun10 insightful - 2 fun11 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

"pack your shit and move in with your mother" isn't an option anymore these days?

[–]detaramespez raped me 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Have just started reading and I already lol'd at "newfound confidence lead her to a promotion"

[–]Haylstorm 14 insightful - 5 fun14 insightful - 4 fun15 insightful - 5 fun -  (1 child)

Totally not a diversity thing. No siree

[–]detaramespez raped me 8 insightful - 4 fun8 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Yep, it's just that womanly girl hormones made her more confident. Science amirite?

[–]Caessium 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is what happens when an already narcissistic person gets a boost of confidence and decides their partner is no longer good enough for them. Granted, LGBT+ support groups are guilty of enabling such behavior, with their perpetual victim stance, seemingly unconditional acceptance as long as you're one of them, and unreasonable demands. But sane people don't gravitate towards such environments and certainly wouldn't trade a healthy relationship for a hollow imitation of a community. I bet 'Beth' was always an asshole, just couldn't really spread her narcissistic wings without a pretext to lord over her partner and dictate her behavior.

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

This is a person who is abusing a substance (estrogen) so badly that it's impacting others. Fin.

[–]jet199 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Likely the thing they are abusing is porn.

(And their self)

[–]FourteenDigitz 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Nah long-term hormone injections that aren’t for explicit physical health reasons should be considered drug abuse. Just because heroine has valid medical applications, doesn’t mean doctors should be encouraging people to shoot up when they feel bad. Same goes for estro/androgens

[–]JasonCarswellSisyphus / Ouroboros 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Trans-narcissism is like a drug addiction that may destroy relationships.

[–]brimshaeBased Woodchipper Merchant 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I can't believe some of these comments are still allowed on reddit.

She's been absorbed into the toxic online trans culture. She's forgotten the real world, too exists and that people who aren't trans have feelings and lives and thoughts too...


Yep, this can definitely happen. Especially if one is perpetually online. ... My girlboyfriend and I talk about this all the time. She is trans but specifically stays away from those spaces because of how toxic they can get (and echo chamber-y)... you should probably just end the relationship.


it's okay to break up with your partner because of who they've become while transitioning


My partner (MtF) of 10 years came out last November and only just started hormones but she's already expressed feeling dysphoria just at seeing relatively normal women basically exist in the world (seriously, like I'm talking getting depressed when we're out to eat bc she's worried she'll never look as feminine or pretty as the waitress


My girlboyfriend transitioned over a decade ago and she still won't go outside except to work without having what she calls a spa day first. This is because of the dysphoria, imagine constantly hating the way you look to the point that you feel physically sick at the thought of a stranger seeing you.


Imagine if she is still the same in 10 years. Is this the life you want? Are you just holding on to the hope that she will tone it way down and wasting years of your life that you could be living with someone who respects you? You want children, and that’s a huge thing, you need to be supported by your partner to achieve this.

[–]jacques1102 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Reading some of these comments,this is why i'm not convince that the majority of trans people are happy once they get surgery.It's possible that at first they might be,but as time goes by and they see real biological women haven't never taken any drugs or get pregnant they'll realize that they'll never truly be one.It's really amazing how this ideology has gotten this far.

[–]tyranicaloverlord 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I feel like our entire relationship is now about her...

Looks like he did a better job of being a woman and she.

Too funny, she should have dumped his ass in the beginning because troons have a mental illness, and placating it is incredibly damaging. Therapists and psychologists know this shit.

[–]IridescentAnaconda 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Therapists and psychologists know this shit.

But they're not allowed to say it, if it concerns a troon.

[–]Femaleisnthateful 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Anyone wanting to see a real life example of trans regression, look at Council of Geek's YouTube channel.

Five years ago the guy was totally normal, relatively attrative and based. Fast forward a year and he's wearing nailpolish and raging about Hollywood's lack of LGBT representation (dunno why they wouldn't want to represent you, buddy).

Now he's a full on troon, raging against cops at Pride and how the first Pride was a riot, trans everything, etc etc

[–]hfxB0oyA 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

If she thinks she's at her rope's end just wait and see what her "girl"friend does after she leaves him. XD

[–]Chipit 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

As weird as this sounds, this person has found meaning in his life. He never had anything to belong to. Now, he does. It's an amazing project that's his identity now, and he's proud to be a part of it. A lot of these "transitioner" people have the problem of feeling left out, of not being in a group. The trans cult gives this to them (like all cults do).

It's a greater sign of society falling apart. We used to have all sorts of groups for people to belong to. But media is crippling people's brains and telling them to be unhappy. This is the result.

[–]jet199 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

You have no idea if that's the case.

Plenty of men destroy their kid's lives or ruin their career and other things they love to transition.

Nothing to say that's not the case here as well with somethings this guy had which he loved.

[–]Chipit 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah we do. These people don't have an ingroup to belong to. The trans cultists provide an ingroup, and weak, scared people really really want to have an ingroup. Once in, they get love-bombed and they have never had such good feelings in their lives. It's how all cults work.

[–]blackpoop321 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don't think it's that simple, but I'll try to keep what I think it is as succinct as possible: A natural trait of women is to get bred by the top 20% of men, now that they have access to all men globally, it leaves a much larger pool of 80% of men who would normally be perfectly fine fathers. Now they become the women they'll never have.

This guy is a good example and I think represents most of the MtF cases: - short ginger dude, very popular on youtube, has breakdown, disappears for 3 years and comes back as a woman.

tldr: Humans shouldn't get to see the top %1 most beautiful people globally being plastered on all billboards and touted as the norm. You're supposed to be content with the people in your village.

[–]wylanderuk 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Looks at this and then thinks of rad fems and the only thought that springs to mind "huh, apart from the subject what is the fucking difference?"

[–]Rastafoo 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)


[–]alladd 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

this is why narcissism is the biggest problem facing society today. a person who thinks they're the center of the universe has no theoretical end to what they'll do to satisfy their entitlements. and no one ends up happy. not the partner, and not them.