my day started out fine, but then the shit hit the fan. i ate some grasshopper stew with my lady friend that smokes crack only on holidays. when we finished eating our stew(and smoked some crack) i began to have stabbing pains in my abdomen and i have a fire hot substance dripping from my rectum.

i am not sure if i should just wait this one out, or if i should go ahead and waste the three dollar fee to visit a witch doctor at the nearby flea market.

one more thing, i am having a slight mucous that is draining from my nose, approx three ounces per minute.

please advise.

your friend, johnny carson.