Both: Trans people and parenthood

submitted by peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS from self.GCdebatesQT

I’m curious what everyone thoughts are about trans people being parents (preferably not like “trans people are awful and should never be parents” lol, although I guess I’d be fine with that perspective too as long as it wasn’t mean-spirited).

all 24 comments
sorted by:
top
newinsightfulfun

[–]CatbugMods allow rape victim blaming in this sub :) 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Depends. If there’s agp involved, then they shouldn’t be eligible for parenting because agps first and foremost priority always seems to be their agp. Seen dads in their late forties day they resent their kids for not calling him mum. Also seen far too many confessions from agp men about wearing/stealing/masturbating into daughters/stepdaughters clothing and underwear to believe that the average agp male is safe around children.

Regular dysphoric people don’t seem to be any sort of problem. I absolutely don’t believe in publicly funded fertility assistance for adults who have voluntarily sterilised themselves, so if they want a genetic baby after transitioning, better have saved up some cash and eggs/sperm.

I’m also concerned that a transgender parent may be willing to put their child through hormones and whatnot if the child ever said ‘I’m trans’ or was gnc. A six year old saying ‘I’m trans’ is not actually trans. It’s like them saying ima a fireman’ cause dads a fireman.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

I feel like the AGPs are a problem too. I also have issues with anyone who comes out as trans after having kids to be honest (How does that even happen?), but that’s a whole different conversation I guess.

I absolutely don’t believe in publicly funded fertility assistance for adults who have voluntarily sterilised themselves, so if they want a genetic baby after transitioning, better have saved up some cash and eggs/sperm.

That seems fair. My husband and I have been trying to add to our family and we are using our own money (not that any sort of fertility assistance would have helped in my case).

I’m also concerned that a transgender parent may be willing to put their child through hormones and whatnot if the child ever said ‘I’m trans’ or was gnc.

Oh wow, I hadn’t really thought about that. I hope parents wouldn’t be like that with kids. I do worry about some trans people seemingly wanting others to be trans (presumably for validation?). That would be so wrong though...

[–]worried19 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

I strongly support trans people becoming parents. This is why I get so upset when I read about young children being sterilized before they are old enough to understand the ramifications that will have for their future. Once your ability to create life is gone, it's gone forever. My only concern about transgender parents is that they are honest with their children about biology. I have seen worrying examples of parents attempting to pass gender issues onto their kids, but I think they're a tiny minority.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I strongly support trans people becoming parents.

Thanks! 😊

This is why I get so upset when I read about young children being sterilized before they are old enough to understand the ramifications that will have for their future.

I agree. Being sterile is sad and I feel like you should be an adult before you make that decision.

My only concern about transgender parents is that they are honest with their children about biology.

I feel like this is important too even if it is a sensitive subject.

I have seen worrying examples of parents attempting to pass gender issues onto their kids, but I think they're a tiny minority.

I hope so. That would be very worrying...

[–]worried19 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

There was a great recent article by a trans man who is also a father. I spent 20 minutes just now looking for it, but I know it was posted on GC. It's about his concern that children as young as his daughter are being encouraged to transition, and if he hadn't been a trans man, he would have fallen right into unquestioning, unconditional support because he wouldn't have had the background knowledge of how dangerous and intense medical transition is.

If anyone can find this article, let me know. I thought for sure I had saved it, but apparently not. I think his name is Michael Newagent or something similar.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

That’s interesting! I can totally relate to feeling that way. I feel like I’d be the last person to encourage transition because of my experiences as GNC child (even though I don’t regret transitioning).

[–]worried19 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, being transgender is a hard path. Not one people should ever encourage a child to follow. Kids are just so impressionable. I feel like if they can grow up without dysphoria and distress around sex and gender, that's obviously the best option. Encouraging questioning and sowing confusion just leads to greater problems down the road.

[–]worried19 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I found the interview I was thinking of. Turns out his name is Scott Newgent.

When people ask me why I care so much about medically transitioning children, it takes me back to the day when my daughter made that joke about being transgender. The fact is that if I had not transitioned, I would have been one of the first parents to race my child to the gender clinic. I would probably be an activist hating the exact person I am today, and it's a heavy burden, knowing that. My intense passion is to inform the person I would have been if I had never transitioned.

https://glinner.co.uk/interview-with-scott-newgent

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing! Those last bold paragraphs hit me particularly hard. 😢 And, OMG, all the complications he had! I agree with everything he said. We need to protect kids from being experimented with this way. I feel like I’d probably be pro childhood transition too if I hadn’t been a GNC child and been though transitioning myself. It’s just so promoted now as being completely safe and reversible with like blockers and everything. I’m sure I’d just accept it was the right thing too.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I feel like there are some unique challenges.

If it is a biological child, he or she might naturally think they were adopted or conceive artificially if they have grow up with two mommies or two daddies.

If it is an adopted child, he or she might naturally think their parents had them the old-fashioned way if they grow up with a mommy and a daddy (straight adoptive couples without a trans partner have to explain this too).

Also, if the child is opposite (natal) sex of either parent because that might not be something they’d recognize and the parents would have to explain what that meant.

I really feel like you owe your child honesty, but it can be a difficult subject and needs to be discussed in a way that makes sense for the child’s maturity level. The child should feel safe and protected too and you wouldn’t want any of it to be scary.

[–]luckystar 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I think it's fine if trans people are parents. I believe the right to choose to have children or to not have children is a fundamental human right and I don't agree with putting restrictions on that right, though I'm okay with social services revoking the right post facto for parents who have been proven to be abusive/incapable of providing a home environment for the child.

There are so many non traditional families these days. I see this issue as akin to kids with gay and lesbian parents in a sense that there is a lot of hand wringing over "But what if the children don't understand" when really kids are pretty flexible. "Suzie has two mommies" type scenarios are pretty normal for where I live. I believe that being gay or transsexual is something innate, so kids seeing it doesn't mean they will grow up to be gay/transsexual.

I'm mostly concerned with the children who are being chemically castrated at young ages. Trans, gay/lesbian, and GNC children are increasingly put through hormone blockers followed by cross-sex hormones, meaning that they will be infertile for life based on decisions they made when they were 13-16ish (often after years of being socialized as the opposite sex). I find this to be a huge abrogation of the rights of children. While I understand the trade-offs and the reasoning as to why some parents and medical professionals think that this is an acceptable course of treatment, it definitely violates my own personal moral and ethical code and I would not allow it for my own child.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think it's fine if trans people are parents.

Thanks!

I believe the right to choose to have children or to not have children is a fundamental human right and I don't agree with putting restrictions on that right, though I'm okay with social services revoking the right post facto for parents who have been proven to be abusive/incapable of providing a home environment for the child.

I agree! I wish it were easier for us sometimes, but the nature of physically transitioning means that will be harder I feel like.

I see this issue as akin to kids with gay and lesbian parents in a sense that there is a lot of hand wringing over "But what if the children don't understand" when really kids are pretty flexible.

Totally! I feel like as long as the child feels safe, protected, and loved those sorts of things won’t matter.

I'm mostly concerned with the children who are being chemically castrated at young ages. Trans, gay/lesbian, and GNC children are increasingly put through hormone blockers followed by cross-sex hormones, meaning that they will be infertile for life based on decisions they made when they were 13-16ish (often after years of being socialized as the opposite sex).

This is a big concern! I’m happy that people like JKR are raising more awareness about it. I hope that treatment guidelines return to where they were years ago when there was more of a watchful waiting approach.

[–]DistantGlimmer 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I mean it's certainly an option for them. I wouldn't view it much different then anyone else becoming a parent I have heard of (probably AGP) types getting furious when their kid misgenders them or using their kid as a prop to validate them as a woman. This is obviously very wrong. But I assume that a lot of trans people could be mature enough to realize that the kid probably is going to take some time to come around to the idea of having a trans parent and be mature enough to put the child's interests first.

Basically not everyone either trans or non-trans should be a parent but I don't see why dysphoria by itself has a real effect on one's ability to be a good parent.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

I mean it's certainly an option for them.

Fully transitioning sterilizes you, but I’m not sure how many trans people transition to that point. There are other ways to grow your family if you can’t have children biologically, but it’s more difficult.

I wouldn't view it much different then anyone else becoming a parent I have heard of (probably AGP) types getting furious when their kid misgenders them or using their kid as a prop to validate them as a woman.

I’m kinda side-eye about people who transition after having kids (not that I can do anything about it). Using your children for validation is abusive and wrong.

But I assume that a lot of trans people could be mature enough to realize that the kid probably is going to take some time to come around to the idea of having a trans parent and be mature enough to put the child's interests first.

Do you feel like there are different concerns for trans people who start families after transition where it wouldn’t be obvious one of the parents in trans?

[–]DistantGlimmer 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yeah, I was thinking of adoption for the trans people who have sterilized themselves. It should be open to them if they are judged to be fit parents.

Do you feel like there are different concerns for trans people who start families after transition where it wouldn’t be obvious one of the parents in trans?

I think regardless of whether the person is trans-identified when they start a family the interests of the children should be prioritized always and the fact that this is a hard thing for especially young children to understand. I remember a thread in the old sub a while ago about a transwoman who wanted their child to call them "mommy" and it made me think how that is obviously a pretty difficult situation from the perspective of a young child who sees that their "mommy" doesn't really look like their friends' mommies and doesn't really understand it. I think there are probably ways to explain it in ways that a young child can understand (I'm not really familiar with the best way to do that though). but empathy is absolutely necessary.

Obviously if you have a parent transitioning who allready has children who know them as one sex the need for emapthy for the children is only stronger. I have heard some horror stories about this in places like r/itsafetish but admittedly I am not sure how widespread that behavior is. It could be a case of people just highlighting bad behavior to make transwomen look bad.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Gotcha!

I feel like we see it similarly. The child’s needs always have to come first. I feel like if this isn’t how you see parenthood to begin with you might not be a good parent, whether you are trans or not.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Essentially what Catbug said -- if AGP is involved, it's likely to be a Personality Disorder shitshow, and children are likely to be enmeshed (this is what I've seen firsthand).

Consciously parenting as a non-AGP trans? If you've got your act together well enough for the challenges of parenting, sure.

[–]theblackfleet 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I think it's horrible for children to grow up with someone who is delusional and insists they're something they're not. It just confuses kids. I feel for the children who have to suddenly deal with a father who wants to wear their daughters or mother's clothing. It's traumatizing for children. Of course I'm mainly thinking about men and their fetishistic behaviours but also women who have this delusion that they're men are also traumatizing. I can think of that Freddie McConnell case in Britain where she wanted to be listed as father of her child. I also hate the media pushing the 'pregnant men' idea. It's obnoxious and I feel for any child who has to grow up or be with a delusional, narcissistic parent.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

I guess, do you feel like all or most trans people are like that? What you are describing are totally things that happen, although I feel like usually in cases where the person transitions after having the child (which I absolutely have issues with myself). I guess I think more about a trans person who transitioned years prior and is well adjusted wants to grow their family either though adoption or other fertility options. Do you feel like there can be well-adjusted, loving trans parents who aren’t using their children for validation?

[–]just_lesbian_things 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Considering the sorts of people who become parents, it's hardly the biggest issue around. It's not a hill I'm going to die on. Obviously someone with a mental illness that requires constant care and affirmation would not be my top choice for parenthood but at least they're not (necessarily) struggling with violent impulses and addiction.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Makes sense!

a mental illness that requires constant care and affirmation

Do you feel like that description always makes sense? I guess I’m a little more optimistic that people can reach a healthier place than this. Just curious.

[–]Lapis_Lazuli 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I have no issue with trans people being parents—I'm sure there are individual trans people who have no business raising children, but that's true of many non-trans individuals as well.

[–]levoyageur718293 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Part of being a parent is that you've got to bring your A-game for your kids, and that means pushing down your own problems to focus on theirs. Personally, I have never met a trans person who was was well enough to be like, "regardless of my own business, I need to be 100% on the ball for someone else right now."

[–]Omina_SentenziosaSarcastic Ovalord 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don't think trans people are necessarily bad at being parents I just think that honesty about their situation is required to be.

I don't think a parent who tells their children "if you hate your body/if you like the wrong color then you should get surgery ASAP" is a good parent, but that is true for everyone, not just trans people

So long story short, it's not being trans the problem and it has never been for me, it's about how you live your condition.

There are of course extreme cases: no, I don't think AGPs should be parents, but that has everything to do with their fetish. I also don't think people who enjoy rape role-playing should be parents, or the ones who enjoy age play, be them trans or not.