I am so much more wary of men when I am alone/not with my male partner.

submitted by emissch from self.GenderCritical

I like to take walks, run errands or go on bike rides alone sometimes and I've been thinking lately about how much more on edge and wary I am when doing these things. The other day I was taking a bike ride alone on a trail and noticed a bike some distance behind me. I thought it was a man and I would occasionally glance back and notice that they were still behind me after a couple forks and turns in the road. So i was like okay, maybe we are just going the same way, but also maybe not. Started to get very slightly on edge. At some point I had slowed a bit and that bike eventually passed on the left and I noticed immediately that it was a young black girl and instantly relaxed and felt relieved.

Anyways, I know this probably comes off as paranoid and "crazy." I am responsible for my feelings and fear alone, but I don't think this is uncommon for women to feel this way. I am highly prejudiced against males who I encounter while alone, it doesn't matter how old they are or what their skin color is. Also weirdly enough, I also pay attention to a person's walking gate. If i see shuffling or anything that looks "off" I pay a lot more attention. Does anyone else do this? Also would love to hear about any of you who paid attention to your intuition and avoided a bad situation.

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[–]sisterinsomnia 22 insightful - 1 fun22 insightful - 0 fun23 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Many of us develop a built-in radar from bad past experiences. An older man, a stranger, attacked me when I was a first year college student, out in the street about eight at night. I got away, luckily, with minor damage, but ever since that experience I watch everything and everyone very carefully, especially at night.

The shape of someone approaching from a distance at night can be informative and the gait, too, because they can reveal if the person is drunk, angry and so on. These are important skills, in my opinion, though it would be nice not to have to have them.

[–]emissch[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes, I pay attention to the shape too along with the gait. I am much more on edge if the shape is larger, moving slowly or just generally being kind of erratic. I haven't even had a particular bad experience either, it's just something I've always had an eye out for. Yeah, it sure would be nice.

[–]Realwoman 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

You're not "responsible" for your fear, fear is a normal, primal emotion that is absolutely necessary for survival. And you're right to be wary of men because men are dangerous.

I have been followed by men of different ages several times. It was very scary.

[–]emissch[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Yeah, I guess I've had push back from people when I explain why i get on edge and they tell me I shouldn't feel that way or I'm even being sexist against men.

[–]Realwoman 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Men are more dangerous and anyone denying this is either naive or actively lying. Or has drunk too much of the libfem koolaid

[–]malleus_maleficarum 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Other people do not get to dictate the risk level you are comfortable with. You can't know for sure if a man has good intentions, and it's not your responsibility to prioritize his potential butthurt feelings over your safety. If he's a decent man, he is aware that his presence can make lone women nervous. I know plenty of dudes who will hang back to create a safer distance, or cross the street to pose less of a threat.

Have you heard the term "Schrödinger’s Rapist"? This article made waves ~10 years ago. The author has made the original post private so here is the archive link:

"Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced" https://archive.fo/6men0

[–]ImPiqued1111111 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Have you read The Gift of Fear? It's a good thing to have your guard up. Don't let people guilt you.

[–]vitunrotta 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

You're not crazy or paranoid! Seriously - our society is crazy when a woman needs to consider if they are nuts when another person follows them. Something has gone wrong waaay before you started biking. You. Are. Not. Crazy.

We've all done what you did in one form or the other - as women. We're destined to look over our shoulders when it's dark. Hell, even when it's midday. We consider our surroundings. We're always careful. Because if we're not... Well.

(I do not like to advertise Reddit to anyone anymore BUT it still has some pretty good subs. I used to follow a subreddit r/letsnotmeet and a lot, LOT of those stories were about women being stalked/followed/harassed/attacked etc. A book that many subscribers recommended was The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Never read it myself though, so if anyone has some negative pointers - please advise.)

Take care of yourself and never think that somebody else's feelings are more important than your life.

[–]Oof_Too_Humid 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I've had The Gift of Fear and I would definitely recommend it, especially to women.
Gavin de Becker spends a portion of the book talking about how women are socialized into being polite and accommodating. Predators know this and will use it to their advantage. We need to give ourselves permission to be rude so that we don't end up as victims.
We also need to follow our gut instincts. They evolved over thousands and thousands of years for a reason and we ignore our gut instincts at our peril.

[–][deleted] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This js just something that my grandmother would passingly refer to as "street smarts". It's smart to be aware of your surroundings as a woman or even a man. It's not paranoia to understand that you're not with a walking companion and could be more vulnerable to an attack, and that not every individual out there may have your best and safest interests in mind.

[–]Spikygrasspod 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I always keep an eye on men in public. I limit my movements out of caution when I'm not with my male companion.

[–]fuckingsealions 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I've gone through periods where I pay attention much more intensely, but I always pay attention. For me, it would sometimes verge into hypervigilance, and that was too much. There's a way to be attentive without it kind of taking over my experience of being in public at all.

This gets at something I've been thinking about lately. I hate that the narrative for women, especially white women, is stay inside or you'll get murdered, white supremacy/patriarchy will protect you. All the true crime product out there just reinforces this. It helped me to consume less true crime and look at crime trends and see that US crime overall is down in the last quarter century.

Anyway, I just want to say it's super important to be alert and aware, but I do hope it's not too big in anyone's life (I speak from experience).

[–]GConly 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I've lost count of the number of times I was groped and followed and had dick flashed at me in my twenties.

Only an idiot isn't wary of men when out alone.

Funnily enough not one of these incidents happened while I was put with man. So much the the 'can't control themselves' bullshit we hear.

I've been half naked around women I didn't know and the very worst that happened was some lady criticised my ripped tights.

Women so rarely commit sexual assaults upon other random women it's worthy of a write up in its own paper. I mean I can't name one verified case in the UK.