all 41 comments

[–]FuriousPenguin 51 insightful - 2 fun51 insightful - 1 fun52 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

None of it is normal. Please run away.

[–]venecia 38 insightful - 1 fun38 insightful - 0 fun39 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

No honey, this dude is a Stage 5 Creep. Run away!

Also, you don't owe friendship to the lonely guy everyone got away from for a reason. And you DEFINITELY don't win a boyfriend who will feel lucky to have you that way (I've made that mistake).

[–]Literallyawoman 25 insightful - 2 fun25 insightful - 1 fun26 insightful - 2 fun -  (11 children)

Uh, talking about porn at all, and to this extent, tells me this guy is socially inept and frankly people who talk about sexual topics so outright usually are looking for people who don't have boundaries (people who would call them out) to latch onto because 99% of people will avoid them once they see they're unstable. Your other friends have self respect and cut this creep out of their lives.

YOU deserve to not feel uncomfortable and should tell him you think it's inappropriate and you won't talk to him about it anymore or want to hear it. YOU DONT HAVE TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE and him being a guy does NOT make this ok! He sounds disgusting tbh. There's a reason other people have been driven away and it's not your job to still be there just because he's lonely.

You don't owe him friendship, it doesn't make you a good person to let him use you as his social crutch. I say this from experience hanging out with the bottom feeders of society because I wanted to be the "cool girl" who didn't shy away from sex talk or mentally ill people. IT'S NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.

Other people are avoiding him because they have healthy boundaries and self respect, you do too and deserve to tell him how you feel! Stop putting his emotional health before your own. We teach people how to treat us.

[–]Realwoman 20 insightful - 2 fun20 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 2 fun -  (5 children)

How much porn conversation is normal? Zero. That's the exact amount. Also, a man talking about porn with a woman could be considered sexual harassment. It's very disrespectful. You don't need to play "cool girl" and pretend that that you're OK with it. Create boundaries and remember it's ok to stick to them. Also, don't try to "save" him. You can't. This is his problem, you're not responsible for it.

[–]Veneficca 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Guys like this don't have respectful relationships with women. Even if they seem timid or like they "don't think of you that way," even if their focus is always on some unattainable woman they worship and not you, their creepiness will spill onto you. Your time is precious - spend it on more rewarding people.

[–]quickbeam 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (12 children)

I wouldn't necessarily say "run away"*, but this is excessive. Have you just told him that you're not comfortable with these images or conversation? A lot of guys are happy to talk about these things but will also be fine with not talking about these things if told firmly but politely and redirected.

*unless you're dating him; I wouldn't date someone this obsessed with porn

[–]yishengqingwa666 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

"Have you tried CoMmUnICatInG?"

Yeah, no. She doesn't owe this guy diddly shit. He's made it more than obvious what he IS.

OP, cut him off.

[–]quickbeam 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Communicating your personal boundaries is highly underrated as a way of making positive change. OP seems to want to keep things cordial, so communicating is a first step to finding out if that's a possibility.

[–]aldoushuxleyghost 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

This guy is majorly pornsick. You tolerating this, signals to him that you are fine with it. I suggest leaving him. You are not his mother and are not responsible for this grown man.

[–]jkfinn 9 insightful - 2 fun9 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Just as no amount of pronouns is okay, so no amount of porn talk is okay. If you don't sense this right away, you will soon grasp that practicing or tolerating either is only confirming trans and porn.

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Is it common? Yes. Is it normal and healthy? No.

[–]Spikygrasspod 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It is not normal at all.

[–]MonstrousRegiment 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

...and due to these issues, has driven a lot of our other friends away and lives a very lonely life.

I only read this far and thought, "get away now!" Young women who want to be all compassionate and everything to lonely young guys usually suffer for it.

[–]DangerJelly 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

None. I don't have a ton of guy friends (only one), and we NEVER talk about this or anything REMOTELY close to it (mostly tea, dancing, mental health, how our lives are going, cooking, funny memes, etc). Heck, I don't even talk about this with my female friends until we're really, really close and have known each other for years and even then it's NEVER in a way this creepy (and like... it's just about general sex stuff with specifics removed, never about porn with porn out on the table). Also this post made me realize my ex was lowkey like this. Everything was fine until we started dating and then he got REALLY sexual, and while he respected my boundaries, sex constantly got brought up with his friends (he lied about us having a safe word when we were NOT having that kind of sex, his friends asked me how big his dick was, his friends were surprised (and KNEW and TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT IN FRONT OF HIM) that we didn't have penetrative sex for almost a year). Wanna know what happened when we broke up? 4 months after this loser was no longer getting my attention he sent me the world's most passive aggressive email (actually lowkey aggressive, I printed and kept it for a while out of fear but nothing ever happened). Guys like this are bad fucking news. I would say to set a boundary (no porn or porn/sex talk while you're over)... but honestly he probably won't listen. Please stop spending time with this guy. He needs to learn that this behavior is not socially appropriate.

[–]yishengqingwa666 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Get the fuck away from this nasty piece of shit. Cut him off. Block him everywhere.

[–]twinpeakmayor 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

porn is fucking taped rape. it's disgusting I don't trust a soul who watches it. value yourself.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

So if this guy has profound untreated OCD, porn could actually be one of his obsessions or compulsions (above and beyond porn-sickness). Tourette's is also closely related to OCD, so his chronically talking about porn could be more than just social awkwardness.

Like everyone else has said, be careful and watch your boundaries. Even if he's "harmless," be very careful not to be drawn into a supporting role in his OCD (lockdown has been making mental health symptoms a lot more intense for everyone) . . .

[–]worried19 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

None in my book. I have many guy friends, but none of them talk about porn. Guaranteed this dude is pornsick if he's talking about it that much.

[–]OrneryStruggle 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

None. Zero.

I would definitely not hang out with that guy ever again.

[–]Maeven 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That's not normal at all. It's the bizarre combination of an addiction and a lack of filter.

I'd be wary about confronting this, since addicts rarely react well when confronted. Maybe someone closer to him like the brother could say something? When it comes to sex topics, guys are more comfortable talking to other guys.

[–]bellatrixbells 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Ok, I'll try to be more nuanced than some other contributors, however I do understand where they're coming from and I generally agree with the spirit.
We all agree : this is not normal AT ALL. Unlike some other posters on here, I personally have had the occasional conversation with both male and female friends about porn in general. A notable example is a casual (male) friend who brought up, during a discussion about feminism, his own conflicted relationship with certain kinds of porn. At other points in my life there were members of the porn industry in our circle of friends, so it did come up at times. Porn is part of a lot of people's lives, and it is therefore strictly normal that it will come up in conversations. I find it especially important for people to address the concerns they might have about it if they have any and need to talk about it, too. But as with any subject relating to intimacy and sexuality it shouldn't be put up ostensibly and be the sole object of conversation, especially if the speaker is a man, addressing a woman and his particular obsession with a given type of porn or porn star.
You did mention that this individual has severe OCD, and that therefore explains the, well, obsessive behavior to an extent.
Yes, his OCD could be centered around this particular individual... but in my experience OCD is more about a given set of behaviours that one repeats in order to control a given aspect of their life.
But in this case the object of the obsession is a real person, who exists and has feelings, and he is objectifying this person in a pretty creepy way that actually kind of echoes that of a stalker. And through that, given the relationship to porn, he is kind of dehumanizing women as a whole... and that's kind of scary.
As others have said, you have a right to set your boundaries and refuse to engage in conversations that make you uncomfortable or object to being in a space where a woman like you is being turned into a thing.
If you really want to take this upon yourself to an extent, you should tell that person that they should definitely engage in counselling and by all means get the crap off those porn subs as they're a dangerous echo chambers. But if it was me I wouldn't go further and I would definitely avoid this person as this seems pretty scary.

[–]bellatrixbells 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Also I did have an ex who was obsessed with porn and this person did hurt me physically and emotionally and he even raped me on one occasion.
Yesterday I made a post about another man who was possibly obsessed with porn too and who has fetishized me for two years without my knowledge, building this whole fantasy of tying me up and chocking me and I was pretty lucky that I found out before I let him into my home. Porn obsession is extremely unhealthy and it has genuine consequences in real life. I don't want to make you panic as mine are probably extreme examples, but it is a serious thing and should be taken seriously.

[–]meranii 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's only normal in the sense that many guys are like that, two or three of my male friends at uni eventually admitted that they had a whole computer full of porn, just terabytes of it.

One of them I thought was just a friend would talk about his favorite actresses a lot, even send me scenes and stuff like that, being younger and naive I didn't think much of it. Just ignored it, basically. He would complain about his wife being prudish. Later I found out that he thought we had a special connection (because he felt he could freely talk about porn with me? lol, men's brains are truly something) and wanted to leave his wife for me, our friends talked him out of it. We never even had a connection from my side and I would not have been interested.

So OP, are you sure this guy isn't going to make a pass at you? He might think you're "attainable" because you tolerate his porn obsession. My advice is to not be alone with him, and if he's becoming a shut in or his mental issues are acting up, it's not up to you to fix or help him!

[–]Amareldys 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

His porn consumption goes way beyond normal. When people wring their hands and complain about all men using porn, they mean like the guy uses porn to rub one out, not that he spends all day sorting and cataloging it.

His talking about it with you is even more unusual.

Dude needs a hobby.

[–]Twilight_Zone 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

It's never been discussed. He may just end up in a dress soon. damn