In today's TED talk (heh) I would like to discuss the word "vanilla" - to clarify, not the spice, but the way this word is being used nowadays to describe anything bland, boring and uninteresting. While one can say something is vanilla and simply imply somebody is dull (I myself, guilty as charged, have used it to describe Mike Pence, for example) I want to concentrate how "being vanilla" is now largely used when describing someone's sex life and/or sexual preferences.

To create a bit of background, we're probably all aware of kinks and fetishes. "Kinkshaming" is a term liberal feminists coined (as they are extremely "sex/porn positive"). Under its protection any kink (or fetish, as most of them should be called in my opinion) gets a free pass. Want to get dressed up as a plush toy and arrange an orgy? Have a blast. Want to put on a diaper and pretend you're a baby and have someone bottle feed you? Go for it. Want to put on make-up and call yourself a woman? You ARE a woman. And if anyone dares to question your kink, they are simply kinkshaming: mocking you for your unusual sexual desires.

The other side of the kinkshaming coin is being vanilla. As being kinky and wanting to have sex straight out of a hardcore porn movie is pretty much the most "progressive" way of expressing one's sexuality, being vanilla implies you are a Victorian era moralist prude with your lame preferences. Vanilla people have sex under the blankets, in the dark, once a week, in a missionary position.

When I first started seeing the word "vanilla" being largely used to mock and shame people who perhaps didn't have any fetishes I didn't think that much of it. However, I've now come to the conclusion that it actually has a pretty sinister echo to it. Both the terms "kinkshaming" and "vanilla" are sprinkled around websites that have a largely young, liberal feminist following - and most of these people are girls/young women as well. I suppose most of us can recall that the worst thing as a young adult was to not belong, or to be something others would consider embarrassing: now that thing seems to be "being vanilla." You don't want someone to shove their dick in your throat until you nearly choke? Vanilla. You don't like anal sex? Vanilla. You don't feel comfortable if someone spanks or slaps you during sex? Vanilla. The list goes on.

In all honesty I find this absolutely maddening - and worrisome. I gladly did not grow up when the pornification of our entire society had become so mundane, but I am still young enough to have had my share of guys who had watched a lot of porn and wanted to try things that would essentially cause them pleasure - and cause me pain and/or discomfort. I was smart enough to refuse these kinky experiments though, and they were gladly pretty much a fringe thing back in the day (about 20 years ago). But not so much anymore. Being kinky and loving porn and thinking sex work is nothing but female empowerment are the cornerstones of today's liberal feminism.

I feel profoundly sorry and concerned for the young girls and women who are being force-fed this nasty idea that unless you want a guy to slap you around during sex etc., you're vanilla and therefore, a tedious killjoy. Personally it took me years to find out that I am actually VERY vanilla, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with it at all. The younger generation will likely require a lot more time to overcome this brainwashing and find out about their true sexuality and what actually arouses them: and there is nothing shameful in wanting more intimate sex.

Shaming people for being "vanilla" seems to be yet another tactic to force ideas of what sex and sexuality is and/or should be: liberal feminism, or patriarchy lite, is doing a massive disservice to young people - but especially so to young girls and women who are gullible and only wish to belong. I'm afraid there will be a lot of women in the upcoming years who will struggle with their sexuality and to understand what their actual, honest desires may be. Enough of this vanilla shaming. Sensuality, tenderness, empathy and kindness during sex should not be a thing to be ashamed of. They should be celebrated. And yet, we are seeing the exact opposite happening.

Yours truly, A Vanilla TERF