I need advice. How do I explain to the new girl in my sorority that she doesn't need to be "woke" to fit in with us?

submitted by Ayalara from self.GenderCritical

Hi everyone! So I'm a college student in a sorority that is "LGBTQIA+ inclusive"- which seems strange to me because why would a sorority for "women identified" people also be open to gay men and TiFs if they don't identify as women, but eh, it's not in my power to change the marketing at the national level of the sorority. But anyways. Despite all the stuff happening with COVID, we've managed to safely recruit a few new siblings this semester! They're nice and we all get along great. But there's one freshman girl that, while she's normally pretty quiet and introverted during our gatherings, will occasionally speak up about beating up whatever "villains" are tangentially related to our discussion. "Kill TERFs", "Punch your local TERF" etc. etc. Things of that nature. It's unprovoked and not exactly encouraged- when she does it, someone might nod sympathetically or something, but we move on quickly and none of us have really said any such sentiment to give her the idea that she needs to say that kind of stuff. It really feels like she's just doing it because that's what she hears from other woke LGBTQQIAAP+ groups around campus, and she's used to needing to parrot that stuff around those other groups to fit in better, because they reward that kind of behavior.

One of the other new members came to me recently (since I'm the oldest at 24, they kind of view me as the maternal figure of the group) and confessed that the comments were making her uncomfortable. She didn't know where she stands yet in regards to "all that stuff", as she put it herself. But the thing about it is that I don't really know how to go about it either! Our national council is just as woke, and I worry that if I ask her to stop in the wrong way, someone might report me and get me removed from the sorority for being a TERF. So how do I go about this in a sensitive manner?

(Sorry this ended up being so long, it was really cathartic to write it all out for a group that won't crucify me for daring to speak up against threatening violence towards women.)

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[–]PeakingPeachEater 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Tell her the sorority group doesn't advocate for violence no matter someone's views. You're there to support one another and socialize, not witchhunt 'TERFs'.

I bet she would be uncomfortable if the words were replaced with "Kill libertards" or "Punch your local liberals" because that is offensive to that group of people, doesn't matter the viewpoint or beliefs.

Remind her that the group is focused on women supporting women, and not tearing each other down. Instead, listen, learn and discuss different viewpoints to grow.

If she reacts beligerent/extremely rude and tries calling you a TERF because you "disagree" with her, then maybe it's time to reconsider her being in the sorority and contact others above about her accusations.

In the "woke world", if she 'falsely' (don't out yourself lol) accuse you of being a 'TERF' the higher ups might do something about it because to them, TERF is an extremely offensive word and she is using it 'falsely' against you and making others uncomfortable.

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Seconding this. Unfortunately there is still a chance she reacts poorly just because you aren't on board with "killing terfs", but in that situation you can reiterate that the sorority does not advocate for violent speech, and that your response would be the same if someone in the group started talking about killing a particular ethnic group for example.

So sorry you're dealing with this at all, OP. Not just TRAs but people who are belligerent with their beliefs in general are usually unpleasant to be around. It's painfully obvious she's either existed in an echo chamber up to this point and actually thinks most other people agree with her so she feels comfortable saying those things, or she's deluded herself into thinking anyone who disagrees is just wrong and it's her job to set them straight.

[–]MarkTwainiac 8 insightful - 4 fun8 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 4 fun -  (1 child)

Sorry, but I see a big contradiction between this statement:

They're nice and we all get along great.

And this one:

But there's one freshman girl that, while she's normally pretty quiet and introverted during our gatherings, will occasionally speak up about beating up whatever "villains" are tangentially related to our discussion. "Kill TERFs", "Punch your local TERF" etc. etc. Things of that nature.

That's what passes for "nice" nowadays? For a woman to say this aloud in front of a gathering of women - a group of women she presumably wants to curry favor with and gain the approval of - sounds sociopathic to me. This is not a person I'd be welcoming into any club I belong to. Good lord, what might she say when representing the sisterhood in public? I also wouldn't want to have her living with me and other women in shared intimate quarters.

The fact that you say you "all get along great" with a woman who has no compunction voicing aloud anti-social sentiments that in most settings would be considered unspeakable and way beyond the pale is mind-boggling to me. What is the name of your sorority - The Heathers Society for The Promotion of Murder of Girls & Women We Don't Like?

And I don't get this:

when she does it, someone might nod sympathetically or something, but we move on quickly...

You have sisters in your sorority who nod sympathetically when a recruit advocates beating and killing women coz the recruit assumes those women to have views she doesn't like? Really?

Nor do I get this, coz it seems like projection, presumption, and going way overboard to give someone the benefit of the doubt so as to avoid being critical or confrontational:

It really feels like she's just doing it because that's what she hears from other woke LGBTQQIAAP+ groups around campus, and she's used to needing to parrot that stuff around those other groups to fit in better, because they reward that kind of behavior.

OP, doesn't your sorority have a code of conduct? If so, does it really say it's acceptable for sisters and pledges to openly call for the assault and murder of women whose views some of you don't like?

If your sorority doesn't have a code of conduct, perhaps it's time to get together and consider making one. And perhaps a good character-building and community-fostering exercise would be for each one of you to have to do a short presentation to the rest of the group about your interpretation of this famous internet saying that started circulating a couple of years ago:

“What you permit, you promote. What you allow, you encourage. What you condone, you own. What you tolerate, you deserve.”

[–]missdaisycan 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

And, this is why so many of your well reasoned comments have 1 fun vote

What is the name of your sorority - The Heathers Society for The Promotion of Murder of Girls & Women We Don't Like?

Thank you for expressing your exasperation on these issues! The wit is appreciated!

I'm keeping a close eye on my own fraternity from decades back (technically, a sorority is aligned with a male fraternity, a female women's fraternity is standalone). So far, female only!

Edit: reverting from present to "old style" language.