I've been together with SO since 2012. We have cohabitated at my house (which I own free and clear) since 2015. He lost his job in April 2020 due to covid concerns. In June 2020, he proposed and I accepted. This is actually potentially his first marriage, and my second. We are both 56.
In September, 2020, the fmil was diagnosed with stage 4 non hodgkins lymphoma, double hit. This is her seventh visit to the hospital since. In November 2020, the ffil, whom i will call Old Asshole, had a hemorrhagic stroke.
Fmil, whom I actually dislike less than Old Asshole, was also recommended to go to a rehab because of all these hospitalizations, and she's like "oh no, my FAMBILY will take care of me."
i did this chart, right, based on the research the Fambily told me to do. Having a one-person equivalent at a CNA level bonded and insured costs $36,000. Per month. SO then asked me to tabulate what it would cost for him only to be over there overnight for just her. That is $9,000 per month.
He showed his mother. Of course she went for it. Old Asshole however will for sure be in his face going "We're paying you a whole 9 grand! So that means you can trim our rosebushes, empty our cat box, feed the dog and three hours later take the dog out for a shit, drive us separately to whatever doctors we have to go to because SIL is burned out, and so forth.
Old Asshole and fmil live 1.5 miles away, and where i see fmil's plan is to inveigle us both into "caring" because we (actually he) is going over there for a whole $25/hour (you multiply that out by 12 and 30 and you get $9,000). Before Old Asshole's stroke, he called SO saying "Momma don't want to live no more." Well that is because he refused to clean out the cat box, the cat got pissed, threw cat turds out and started shitting and pissing around the box and ooh, his knees are weak and he doesn't know how to do this because she was the common 'housewife" who took care of their dog and their cat.
She's still in the hospital because of a CAT INFECTION. And he's had to go over to their precious house twice now so their f dog doesn't shit all over the place. Tomorrow he is going up to the city because it's Old Asshole's birthday. These people expect to be visited DAILY and fuck me, the covid precautions just got loosened here to allow just one visitor per day through the system.
SO and my relationship is otherwise generally good but I definitely see barriers here. He is not being paid to take care of their optional animals. He cannot be paid to just "go see dad or mom."
Look fam, for a long time I had problems with the ILs' family system.
In 2013, when I was still going along, they insisted on having their little kissypoo festival at this stupid Chinese restaurant where they knew the lady. I'd just gotten my last promotion and we were planning to go away but their FEEWINGS would get hurt.
That same year, SO and I arranged with my sister to get a free tour of all the monuments in DC with a personal park ranger driving us around. Yeah, my sister was part of Interior, high up, and she arranged all this. We tried to gently text fMIL that my sister was busy and less texts would be advisable. Then we got on the plane. By the time we touched down fMIL was now refusing to go to my sister's house and refusing to take the tour. They came down and picked us up to go to the beach house, and until the sister came out and her friends, every day it was like we'd go out and try to do something and then there'd be a BIG FAMILY DINNER at the last moment.
In 2016, they invited us again and I told Old Asshole to his face beforehand that look, I'm not good with big family things even with my own family. This is a week long vacation and I'm on vacation time so I can't have more than four family dinners with you guys and it's not you. He tried to disinvite me, and SO refused to go, so in the end we both went.
I am rambling a bit, but the patriarch and the matriarch are SUPER INVESTED in having these fambily dinners, these adult birthdays, whatever, and until 2020 i could deal with it but now the requirements have increased.
i've been blunt with SO. Yes the $9,000/month will help and you are earning it every night that you are "sleeping" there. The fmil was like, "Ooh, can you guys move in to the back of my house?" NO. i have my own house. I have this relationship here. We should have moved away last year to take away this option.
She's still in the hospital and still insisting on coming home. Well every time you do chemo you go back there. No one's putting you in a home, but none of us are medical professionals who are all telling her to go to a home, themselves.
It's not SO. it's more his family. I have told SO ok I will deal with the fmil and any incontinence needs she has. Otherwise there's no reason for me to be there since I won't be paid. Those adult birthday parties and things I cut back, years ago.
Do I just drop him now, give back the ring, or is there some hope in this situation?
[–]arcticbasket 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun - (1 child)
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[–]Comatoast 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun - (1 child)
[–]WrongToy[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun - (0 children)
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[–]WrongToy[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun - (0 children)