Opinion: A man asked if he could ‘slap’ and ‘spit on me’ – we need to stop normalising sexual violence against women

submitted by BEB from independent.co.uk

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[–]889250 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Kink shaming is a ridiculous notion. If you're into weird shit good for you, but if you advertise it to the world expect to hear people's honest opinions. Being repulsed by gross and demeaning fetishes is perfectly fine and nobody is obligated to coddle people's feelings.

Bring back shame, lots of people in the world today could use a little. Shame isn't always a bad thing.

[–]fuckupaddams 7 insightful - 3 fun7 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Better not have a kink for penises or vaginas though or you're off to the gulag

[–]Finnegan7921 4 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Amen, been saying this for years. Societal standards have slid so far in the past few decades b/c of the "it's all good" attitude. Now you may be in a hotel where a furry convention is going on. Leave your room at night to get some ice and a panda bear with a boner is chasing a unicorn down the hallway. Great stuff.

[–]BEB[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Completely agree.

[–]BEB[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This type of "sex" NEVER happened when I was in high school and university, or dating.

There might have been a hidden kinkster somewhere (I seem to remember a guy at university with a rumored poop fetish, but it didn't involve women and we all made fun of him) but it would not have been deemed acceptable, much less been expected.

[–]anxietyaccount8 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

Yeah, on Twitter, some people had a problem with this article existing, if you can believe it. "What's the big deal, if they discuss kinks beforehand, isn't it a good thing? After all, now they know if they're compatible or not." Well, in some ways, it is a blessing that these men are making their preferences, um, heard loud and clear. But in others...is it really acceptable to say these things ON THE FIRST DATE? Is this supposed to be a replacement for romance or something?

Also, the fact that many are starting to see vanilla sex as something they're not interested in at all is kind of problematic. But many pro-kink people have no problem with that, in fact they think ideally everybody should be involved in BDSM. But they probably don't say that out loud...

[–]BEB[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I guarantee that the vast majority of women, even those who claim to be the most fervent devotees of "kink," would actually prefer the "vanilla" sex of the 90s and before to being beaten, spat on and choked.

[–]Nosce_te_ipsum 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I find most kinks and fetishes deeply disturbing, but what bothers me the most is that people who engage in bdsm tend to have this compulsive need to tell everyone about it. I suspect some of them are trying to convince themselves it's normal when they go into those long-winded descriptions about it, but I also think there's quite a few of them who get off on making people uncomfortable. It's basically part of their many paraphilias.

I would say it is a good thing that these guys are upfront about their sexual "preferences" (instead of unexpectedly starting to strangle women in bed), but I have this nagging feeling that most of them, especially the ones who talk about it so openly ("I want to slap you and spit on you") during their first date, are doing so because they fall under the "getting off on it" category. They probably really enjoy watching the confusion, horror or disgust on women's faces.

[–]BEB[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I used to lurk on that awful Lib Fem site Celebitchy, which is unreadable now. There was one poster especially who would go on and on about how she "genuinely" loved BDSM. The other good little Lib Fems would cheer her on, but if you read other posts by her, she was severely depressed, suicidal, an alcoholic, etc.

So I'm thinking that maybe it's because of the BDSM or maybe the BDSM is because of her mental state? In any case, it was far from healthy, and yet not only was her choosing to be abused endorsed by her fellow posters, it was positioned as the modern way to approach sex.

That was my first introduction to Lib Fems, and I have to say immediately I was WTF? and now I'm here ;-)

[–]adungitit 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

it was positioned as the modern way to approach sex.

Don't forget "sexually liberating" for women.

[–]adungitit 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

is it really acceptable to say these things ON THE FIRST DATE?

I would honestly rather be told about these things even before the first date so I don't get attached. How is it better for these things to be stated later on? The only thing it does is make it more likely that the woman will be emotionally attached and say yes to whatever porn-inspired bs the man wants her to perform for him.

many are starting to see vanilla sex as something they're not interested in at all is kind of problematic.

Yup. Vanilla sex has been portrayed as "boring" and unexciting compared to a whole list of misogynistic male-centric kinks you have picked up from your bf or porn site. It also appeals to the desperate need to feel special in today's society. Finally, you can feel like a special snowflake by copying the latest porn trends!

[–]adungitit 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

We need to get to the root of the issue: we need to make women stop submitting to men in any capacity, just as with any other oppressed group. Oppression isn't "fun and games" just because your oppressors say they are. These kinks are just an extreme version of what all women are told to live by, and women allow it because their dignity and self-respect has been eroded through a lifetime of being indoctrinated into their proper gender role, which liberalism is now trying to sell as empowering and liberating, and any pushback as being religious prudishness and misandry. Liberalism wants women to own their oppression, instead of getting rid of it. Even vanilla sex is phallocentric and all about pandering to the male gaze, so it's unsurprising that this is the next step for women who want to satisfy their boyfriends or get away from the constant sexual repression and shaming that society pushes onto them.

[–]anxietyaccount8 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

We need to get to the root of the issue

True, but unfortunately many straight women themselves have contributed to the problem. Nothing will change in the near future, but at least some people are discovering the problematic qualities of porn!

[–]adungitit 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Straight AND bi women. And ofc they're contributing, there's massive pressure on them to submit to men who are now their intimate partners. The notion that the man wouldn't be the one calling the shots in a hetero relationships is straight up alien to most people.