Need *SERIOUS* Advice Please

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[–]oofreesouloo 21 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 0 fun22 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

to me, she really doesn't sound like a lesbian... But I don't know your wife, so communication is key

[–][deleted] 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sounds like you two need to sit down with a marriage and family therapist and figure this shit out. There’s really no easy answer to any part of the situation you have found yourself in.

[–]whateverman 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

She's not a lesbian. She's bisexual, most likely.

Reasons she could be lying:

  1. Internalized biphobia/misogyny. She may look down on herself in some way for being a woman attracted to both sexes. She may fear that you'll leave her if she came out as bisexual.

  2. She's a political lesbian and has started fantasizing about men due to sexual frustration. A typically straight woman pretending to be a lesbian scenario.

The first one is forgivable. The second one is not. Do you feel that she is attracted to you? Is she aware you want nothing to do with her male-focused fantasies if she's actually bisexual?

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–]whateverman 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    You have to talk to her about this. She is gaslighting you, but I wouldn't start from that angle. I would simply state that you feel that you are being lied to and that for your marriage to work, you need to know who she is. Ask her point-blank if she is sexually attracted to men.

    If she says no, I would suggest marital counselling. If this is how it turns out, she most likely has a deep-seated fear that you will leave her or think less of her. It's not okay for her to lie to you and it's not okay for her to force you to know about her porn habits, even incidentally. Either that or she is straight and you just bring the emotional security that she feels men aren't capable of.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]whateverman 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      You're welcome! And yeah, that's definitely something that needs to be addressed. Either way, something's up.

      [–][deleted]  (11 children)

      [deleted]

        [–][deleted]  (10 children)

        [deleted]

          [–][deleted] 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (9 children)

          Edit because I didnt see I was responding to you. Lol

          That is exactly what was hard for me in a similar situation. The lies. And I was LIED TO. My ex lied about a few things that would have prevented me from dating her if I knew before hand. Really bad things, and some were just traumatic. It’s like feeling sick, betrayed and scared at once. Because you don’t know who they are when they lie about something major. You partner sounds like she might be into men a bit or have some kind of gender stuff. You mentioned ocd. So clearly there are confounding variables anyway. I was straight up lied to. Knowingly

          [–][deleted]  (8 children)

          [deleted]

            [–][deleted] 11 insightful - 2 fun11 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 2 fun -  (7 children)

            Yeah. It’s not that she may not be a lesbian that is hurting you so much here. It’s easy to focus on that INSTEAD of the real issue. Because the real issue is probably much bigger and more scary than that.

            It sounds like you’re with a person who has got unresolved personal issues and lies to preserve her personal stability, at the expense of you and your relationship together. If she’s been lying and caught many times, it’s likely that she’s more concerned with herself than giving you a chance to be with someone honest. That’s a sign of a very self-absorbed person. Sometimes people like this act like they are lying to spare you, but they are lying to spare themselves shame etc.

            I hope you she hasn’t been dishonest about other important things, for your sake.

            [–][deleted]  (6 children)

            [deleted]

              [–][deleted] 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (5 children)

              I am so sorry to hear that. It does make one feel completely insane. And so sad.

              When I was with a person who lied to me to GET me, and over and over to KEEP me, I almost always felt like I was making too much of it, maybe not listening enough, maybe not saying the right things, maybe not being supportive enough. It’s wild how the victim of lies starts feeling like they deserved it because they maybe were not understanding enough or open enough. The crazy feeling, for me, came from trying so hard to find a way to BELIEVE her when the lies and minimizing kept adding up. I felt crazy from trying to make something okay that was clearly not okay, and trying to make things my fault that did not start with me.

              Your experience is probably different, but take heed of the crazy feeling and the confusion. You shouldn’t be feeling that when your partner is honest with you. It just doesn’t occur.

              [–][deleted]  (2 children)

              [deleted]

                [–]reluctant_commenter 7 insightful - 3 fun7 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

                Hey, you are worth so much more than that. If somebody is gaslighting you so much that you've had to start writing down what they say so you don't doubt yourself later-- they are probably doing you WAY more harm than good.

                I was in that position with a relative. I was torn up about it for so long, because I had a few fantastic memories with them. But what people often forget, is that sometimes, highly abusive people are intoxicating to be around.

                You deserve someone who you don't have to tiptoe around and who doesn't make you feel like you're crazy. I don't want to tell you what to do though, I don't know this person in your life, and only you can decide. If you want to talk or anything, feel free to hit me up.

                [–][deleted] 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

                Man, that makes me want to cry. Wow, I am so sorry that you’re suffering so much with someone you love, it’s so hard to feel that way and to have to make lists. I did similar things, but they always find a way to make you feel bad.

                [–]reluctant_commenter 6 insightful - 3 fun6 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

                I relate to this a ton. I'm sorry you went through this as well.

                [–]TalerTest 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

                Recently she was looking at gifs of porn of men cumming and ejaculating. She is saying this is part of an OCD issue.

                Yikes. I agree with everyone who says she doesn't sound like a lesbian. The porn thing makes it look like she's sexually preoccupied with men right now? The Bi-cycle maybe?

                [–]VioletRemi 12 insightful - 4 fun12 insightful - 3 fun13 insightful - 4 fun -  (8 children)

                I don't see an issue if she is bisexual but loving only you, however, you should talk to each other, as hiding stuff from each other while married is not the best way to live your lifes. You can try to go to family therapist, but I am not sure if they have experience with lesbian couples, or if regular therapies work on lesbian couples.

                [–][deleted]  (7 children)

                [deleted]

                  [–]TalerTest 22 insightful - 3 fun22 insightful - 2 fun23 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

                  I'm with you on this. I only want to be with another lesbian. This is not because I have insecurities or fears that a bisexual woman would leave me for a man, which is what everyone thinks these kinds of decisions are about. For me, it's because I want a woman who's on the same wavelength. Bisexual women can understand same-sex attraction but not the lack of attraction to men. All my life I've been told how wrong it is to not experience attraction towards men as a woman, and I want a woman who gets it. Another thing, why is it okay for bisexual women to only seek out lesbians, but lesbians only wanting lesbians is bigoted? Double-standard...

                  [–]VioletRemi 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

                  That can be the reason why she is hiding something then.

                  [–]carrotcake 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

                  Oh well. For me it seems like the answer for your question is right here. Maybe she's a very female leaning bisexual and when she met you she said to herself something like "wow that woman is great but i can't date her because I'm bi. Wait. Am i bi?". What I'm trying to say is that maybe she's been fooling herself too since then and now she's in a phase where her attraction to men is coming back? Just a guess

                  Edit: i read the rest of the thread and maybe she's just lying to you. If she has lied A LOT, that would be just another lie. I wouldn't care if my gf said she found out she's bi but i would definitely break up if i found out she was a constant liar

                  [–][deleted]  (2 children)

                  [deleted]

                    [–]carrotcake 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

                    I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you have the strength to come out of it. I don't think it's good for you to stay in a relationship with someone like this. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. You are not going crazy

                    [–]LeaveAmsgAfterBeep 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

                    Ah that’s a different context than my comment below anticipated. Sorry you’re going through this, it does sound like your wife needs therapy as a start, but after all that it might be helpful for you as well if you haven’t tried it. Someone else needing therapy but not doing it is a reason some people start to begin with, but the extra support and 3rd party opinion on the situation as well as processing shit is helpful too if you can do it.

                    [–]SailorMoon2020 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

                    During that time she identified as 'queer' and didn't identify as a lesbian until she met me.

                    You already answered your question, Op. It's up to you to admit it to yourself.

                    It's easy for women to say they're queer. It's easy for women to say they are a lesbian. It's extremely difficult for women to say, "I am a homosexual female". It's even difficult for women to say, "I am gay".

                    [–][deleted] 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

                    It seems the most hard to say they are bisexual

                    [–]SailorMoon2020 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

                    I agree with this as well. I don't know why it difficult to say homosexual or bisexual but lesbians falls off the tongue so easily. But it's something I noticed with women, especially low self esteem, lack of confidence, not wanting to be shamed-women.

                    [–]reluctant_commenter 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

                    It's easy for women to say they are a lesbian. It's extremely difficult for women to say, "I am a homosexual female". It's even difficult for women to say, "I am gay".

                    The opposite for me personally. It's really interesting for me to see where different people come from on the word "lesbian".

                    [–]Gearbeta 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

                    She sounds bi to me, tbh

                    [–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

                    It doesn’t sound like the type of thing a lesbian would get up to, any of that, tbh.

                    And since she didn’t identify as a lesbian for her entire life apart from the last 4 years with you, and seems to be somewhat interested sexually in men for whatever reason, maybe instead of asking yourself if she IS a lesbian, ask yourself if she NEEDS to be a lesbian for you to stay with her, because if it’s that important to you that she is a total lesbian, then it doesn’t sound like you will manage to convince yourself she is one. Do you love her enough to stay with her even if she lied about her orientation? That’s the important bit, instead of torturing yourself looking for more evidence.

                    But for real, maybe talk to a therapist about it all, together, if this is going to end up consuming your marriage and your brain. People say a lot of things about themselves, most of us have heard some wild stuff from partners that they have withheld, you are probably going to need to talk to someone apart from this forum because I think this is one of those situations that freaks lesbians out and everybody is gonna be triggered, lol. I mean, it’s not funny. I understand what it’s like to have almost exactly the same thing happen with a partner and what she told me was about 9 million times grosser than what you are hearing. I’m sorry you’re in this situation

                    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

                    [deleted]

                      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

                      [deleted]

                        [–]Astrid2448 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

                        She sounds bi to me... at first I was like well maybe she had some threesome for her ex's sake... then the male porn and reveal that the guy in the threesome touched her too. And how did this go from "the guy and I didn't do anything" to "he touched me"? Is it just because she didn't do PIV with him, so it doesn't count? Bad vibe

                        [–]LeaveAmsgAfterBeep 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

                        If you want to ask someone questions about sexual orientation OCD, I’m happy to offer a little info. Yes that could be a compulsion (the intent is to gross yourself out) but there’s other types of sexual orientation OCD and many other thoughts and behaviors which go with it, it can be genuinely torturous. It is not a simple cover

                        [–]bastetkat 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

                        She said she got turned on from it.

                        [–]LeaveAmsgAfterBeep 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

                        Not OCD, most likely. OCD is more about fear and shame. It can get convoluted when one over-analysis to the point of neutrality (essentially, apathetic) to a trigger or topic.

                        Edit: also it didn’t say that she got turned on in the post but in the comments, so my perspective was from that. Woops. So I dunno, does she have OCD diagnosed? Does she have a plan to get it treated? It is treatable. It can really fuck some people up including people who are having genuine questions of what their sexuality is, the two are quite separate even though the OCD may involve sexuality as a topic and compulsions with sex related material.

                        Tbh her not IDing as a lesbian while having sex with men/being with a bi woman makes sense. Some bisexuals do flip between labels for their understanding of their sexuality based on who they are with or what they think at the time. Other times you might just be dealing with someone who was confused or had other reasons and doesn’t have interest in that again. Gonna be hard to tell yourself when its her orientation though the thing that strikes me as oddest was her making out with a gay (?) dude and calling it figuring out masculinity. That ones a bit odder still in the scope of questionable behaviors. Some of it sounds worse the older she is, like young women these days grow up satiated in porn etc and it can lead to some odd decisions and compulsions even in people without OCD.

                        Maybe therapy would be a helpful start, idk.

                        [–]Oxygenthief 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

                        there is something call a groinal response in sexual orientation OCD. you can take all what you have been told in the comments as potential cause and lay it out on the table.

                        [–]Oxygenthief 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

                        There is an Ocd subset that coerces the person into reassuring themselves that they are straight or gay by looking into the subject of obsession and comparing attractions ...