How do you maintain attraction with weight changes?

submitted by HighPlainsDrifter from self.Lesbians

I get it, I'm an asshole so we can just skip on over all that because I want some actual advice if anyone has any.

I have been with my partner for 6 years. We were supposed to get married in April but, you know, covid. In the past year and a half my partner has slowly but steadily put on about 50 pounds pushing her past the 210 mark at 5'7", this was due to stress, health issues, depression and probably a bunch of other stuff. Our sex life has tanked in the past 6 months. I can't get over it, I'm just turned off any time I see her naked. About 10 months ago she completely stopped trying to lose the weight, previously she was working out and running (she ran a half marathon and I was so proud) she had goals to get in shape and then it all just fell apart and while she is starting back up now I just can't seem to get my libido going.

To be fair our sex life was never the hottest most passionate thing about our relationship. But we made it a priority. Now the idea of being intimate just totally shuts me down. But I don't want to feel this way, I want to love her at any size. But I am more irritable, frustrated and annoyed with her than ever before. It probably has some to do with outside stressors like the world and the pandemic, also the fact that she had to quit her job because it was taking such a severe toll on her mental health that we both decided her working two part time jobs until she could land a job in her field was the preferable move, but now we're living on my income and about a third of what she was making previously. So I mean, in general life is harder right now than it has been for years.

I try to be as supportive as I can, and her weight gain isn't something she could have totally prevented (the dr told her that her metabolism has slowed severely and that her liver function was elevated and her cholesterol high and that likely these things are genetic, her parents keep weight off by chain smoking and by being demons from the gates of hell) and when she was working actively to shed the pounds, even though it was going slow, I was able to be attracted to her (probably for reasons other than physical things honestly) but now it's just nothing and I feel awful because I know she wants sex. I was fine with our sex life before, it wasn't the best sex in the world, but she is the best person in the world. And now I just feel like a turd.

So tl:dr; please give me some advice for how to keep having sex with my girlfriend and maybe even enjoy it until I find her attractive again.

I've asked this question across reddit in the past 6 months and all I usually get is "you're evil, dump her so she can find someone who loves her body" but I'm not dumping her, I'm going to marry her, and I realize this is mostly an issue in myself rather than her body. Based on my profile investigation I also think most of the answers I received were from trans people or bisexual women who have an outside motive in pushing the idea that you are awful if you lose attraction to a partner so I figured asking advice of real lesbians would maybe get me advice rather than ridicule? Anyway, sorry for the ramble. pls halp.

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[–]RedditHatesLesbians 23 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 0 fun24 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

You can't force yourself to be attracted to something when you're not. Attraction doesn't work that way, we can't control it and you're not evil for not being attracted to a body type. There's only two solutions here, really. She puts in a lot of work and makes the change for her health, most importantly, but also for the relationship, or you seriously reconsider whether you want to be married to her for the rest of your life. If you never regain attraction, and your sex life remains just like this for the rest of your lives, will you be happy with your decision?

[–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Being completely honest, I cannot imagine not having this woman as my wife. Even if our sex drive tanks out and we never have sex again. But I doubt that would be happy for her.

The reality is that I could leave her, find another person who in my current physical ideal and then in 10 years that woman could gain a bunch of weight and I could stop being physically attracted to her. I think it sounds fucking miserable to keep leaving people because their bodies change in totally normal ways.

[–]RedditHatesLesbians 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That makes sense. But my point about not being able to force attraction stands. If you're fine with your sex life remaining like this, then what's the issue? Marry her and be happy together. Although you're right that lots of people's bodies change over the years, this specific case seems to be because of health problems and not just a normal belly developed with age. Perhaps therapy for any emotional problems she might be using food to cope with might be good, and apart from that you could cook together, exercise together, etc. Don't frame it as there being any fault in her body, which goes without saying, just that it's healthier for both of you to lead a better lifestyle. General advice but I really hope you can both figure it out, it will strengthen your marriage in the long run.

[–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Maybe I just need to reframe sex for the time being then. I do think she is going to start losing some of the weight. The reality is that there might be more weight than before because some of the issues causing her to gain weight are not things that can be fixed through diet or exercise. I might ask her how she feels about finding an outside support like a therapist. I absolutely do my best to never make her feel like I am shaming her body or the realities of where she is right now and I try to support her eating healthier. I admit that we likely would never have gotten together if she was the size she is now when we first met but when I asked her to marry me it wasn't with the caveat that she always stay as attractive to me as she was then, so I do want to figure out how to continue being as good of a partner as I can, and for her that includes sex. So I guess I'll just have to figure out how to incorporate that until it becomes natural again.

[–]carrotcake 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Have you considered that the problem isn't only the fact that she's gained weight but that she seems to be unmotivated to change? People that don't have will to change what's harming them can become really unattractive to me. I'm saying this because you said:

"when she was working actively to shed the pounds, even though it was going slow, I was able to be attracted to her (probably for reasons other than physical things honestly)"

Maybe you just need to see your wife to have this determination again. Is she determined in other areas of her life? Does it bother you that she's not working like she was before and not trying to change this situation? Is she doing anything for her mental health? Her job was really demanding and fucked her mental health, but when things get to this point, the work isn't the only problem.

A more practical advice is that you and her could go to therapy, separately. She could so she can work on her mental health and hopefully in the long run it can make her a more determined person. You could do it so you can discover what's up with your attraction to her. Is it only the weight? Maybe it is and idk if you can change this in therapy. But remember, if she's going to therapy without wanting to go, there's a bigger chance that it won't work.

[–][deleted] 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

Honestly? Don’t marry this woman.

Maybe it’s the frustration of your situation but you haven’t said one kind thing about her or your relationship. I’d advice you to reconsider on that fact alone.

[–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

I mean if you like I can name off all the amazing attributes of her and our relationship but that's not really relevant.

Like I requested, assume that we are not going to break up and go from there with actual advice targeted towards my question. Because this woman is my future, so the problem needs solving.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

I mean you have to accept they this is in the realm of possibility in terms of solutions because sometimes people will not want to better themselves. We cannot advice you as if this isn’t one of the outcomes. We don’t have some magical solution to make you attracted to her or any other woman that gains weight. If anything counseling? But it’s perfectly normal to not be attracted to someone that gains a significant amount of weight. If this woman is your future and your steadfast you have to make peace with the fact that this might be who she is for the rest of her life. We cannot tell you how to be turned on by her body.

[–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

I am pretty sure that there is a lesbian out there that has had my issue and they were able to readjust their world view or their thoughts in order to reignite their sex life. I guess I was hoping one of them would be on this forum so they could share what they did and how they helped themselves be better partners. If everyone just bails on the person they love because of a fairly common problem like weight gain then that just seems really sad and lonely.

[–]yayblueberries 12 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

Unfortunately the average Internet forum is full of miserable 20-somethings who don't really have friends and haven't developed the understanding that sometimes you can and maybe even should keep somebody around that you aren't always 100% about. Especially as you get older. And that everybody has flaws; many of these people are enjoying the "perfection" that youth brings and expect everybody else to be perfect in their eyes. Society is pretty disgusting in this way right now. Way too idealistic while being overly negative and judgmental.

I get it. I wish I could give better advice than what I gave you down below, but I completely understand really enjoying somebody but one of their flaws just picks at you, but there's no real reason to just ditch them because of that one disappointment. Unfortunately, most people don't really care about others, expect way too much, are demanding, and go through relationships/partners like they do underwear. This is also why most lesbian communities are a disaster of drama between a whole bunch of people who know each other way too intimately without even trying to make it work in the first place after jumping in way too quickly (u-hauling isn't even a healthy approach to a relationship despite it being a trend in lesbian relationships).

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 3 fun10 insightful - 2 fun11 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Lol what a gross over generalization of the population.

30’s, engaged after a long term relationship that included bouts of health issues here. I won’t apologize for being realistic. Yes, people will a approach difficulties in relationships, but one has to set boundaries as to when enough is enough.

ETA: Weight gain and any other big change comes with a list of issues that need to be addressed, not just one, where sometimes you have to admit it’s too much. If my partner told me sex was never great regardless of weight , I would not saddle myself to that person for life.

[–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for this. Honestly your advice has been the best so far and I very much appreciate it. My partner is amazing in so many ways and leaving her because she isn't currently motivated or at the peak of her physical looks isn't something I think lends itself well to my ideal marriage. I am sure at some point I'm gonna be fat, or I'm gonna get disabled, or go grey, or get mentally down, or any other minor or large thing that might affect her attraction levels to me. I would hope that she would give the relationship longer than 9 months before deciding to go looking for someone new. People aren't interchangeable and while I have had exes with higher attraction or sexual connection I have never met another person who I connected with or fit together with like I do with her.

So, anyway, thanks, I agree with you.

[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Try feeling how much you love her every time you look at her. Maybe that will help. Maybe it will even help her. She is probably able to pick up you being withdrawn physically and that is likely painful on some level. Women notice small changes when they have been together a long time. If she feels rejected that’s rough. If you feel like an asshole, that’s also rough. It makes you both feel bad. Try and literally feel the love in your body when you look at her, try to keep it in your eyes and voice. Hold her hand. Maybe things are so hard right now you are having a hard time accessing good feelings in yourself.

[–]spirette 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

that is really good advice imo

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks. It’s so heartbreaking to see such a struggle when the people love each other. Sometimes having problems just makes it so hard to access any good feelings, even though they exist. But the love IS in there. Years of it.

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Have you asked yourself if things don’t change are you ok with it being like this forever? Is it fair to stay with someone your not attracted to just because you’re already with them?

I’m not saying there are not good things in your relationship. But like you said this has been an issue for at least half of a year, and it doesn’t seem to get resolved. My personal feeling on why it hasn’t been resolved is because you’re expecting someone to change so you can be totally happy with them, rarely has that ever worked.

[–]florasis 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Well, you need to talk to her and she needs to reduce weight. Aside all the bs about fat is beautiful. Fat isn't beautiful and it isn't healthy. Thankfully, it something that can be changed. So it isn't a problem, unless she doesn't care about getting in shape.

[–]begonia_skies 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

To throw in my two cents, honestly, it seems like you are willing to stick with this relationship even if you never have sex again. And while that may be fine for you, is she okay with that? Feeling that your partner doesn't want you sexually due to your weight seems like it would be difficult to deal with, have you considered this/discussed it with her? I really just do not believe this sounds like a healthy relationship from a lot of different angles. Will you resent her weight gain even more severely in the future? Given her health issues, she is probably, in reality, going to continue to gain weight rather than the reverse.

I sort of understand where you going with this, i.e. people gain weight and you don't want to just keep dumping people when they put on weight. But it is okay to have boundaries and if those boundaries are crossed then that may be a clear signal the relationship is over. To be honest, she would probably be happier with someone who embraces more curvy women in a sexual manner. You both would probably be happier with a more sexually compatible significant other.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Yeah she has a gym membership but gyms are not open here.

    [–]WildwoodFlower 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Maybe the two of you can find a way to work out together. You could run, ride bikes, or find an online exercise class. You might even be able to find an exercise class that meets outdoors and go there together.

    [–]yayblueberries 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    It almost sounds like she's in a vicious cycle of things being shitty, sounds like health issues making it even harder to lose weight than an average woman (which could have made her feel like giving up along with other stuff), having had a terrible recent job, and job loss, the world imploding in general, already gaining weight which likely made her lose some confidence in herself...I don't think the problem is going to be fixed until some of those things that can be fixed, start getting fixed. And with some women the weight just doesn't fall off at first when we start working out again, it takes a while, which would probably explain your libido also not coming back yet.

    She's going to have to keep going with the working out no matter how awful she feels. I wish I had the answer for the other things, but it's mostly treading water now. The easiest fix out of the other stuff would be to find another job, and even that is impossible right now.

    I think working on feeling less to no guilt over not feeling attracted to her right now might help you overall. There is nothing wrong with that and it might be super temporary. I think every relationship has dips where both partners just don't feel into it sometimes for various reasons. This is also a really stressful time for almost everyone which I'm sure is not helping. I don't know if maybe just even taking a short break from sex and just being with each other and present with each other and doing other relaxing things together might help for now, could it be you're also just both exhausted from things being tough?

    [–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    This is really helpful. I think with everything happening it has been easy to say "this is a huge issue that is never going away and what the fuck should I do everything is awful" but it is probably good to get a reality check. She did just get a new job, and her mental health is much better. She's been doing small runs each week so I can see she is starting to work back into dedication to weight lose. Maybe giving it more time to see what happens is good. Because you're right there are going to be dips and if this is the worst dip in 6 years it's not actually that bad or that big.

    [–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    If she has major genetic factors and slow metabolism involved, it’s going to be a lifelong effort for her to lose all that weight and continue to keep it off, and it will be harder with age. She will need to make the weight very high on her priority list, work much harder than others, and continue to do so. She will also know that she must do all of this, every day, not just for her health, but because her partner cannot bear to touch her body. That is a very sad idea to me.

    You feel the way you feel. You sound unhappy about a lot more than her body, but are focusing all of the unhappy on her. What do you need to improve? What effort do you need to make? If you truly truly think you cannot get over needing her to be different, and don’t think she can or will change, then don’t marry her. Do you think YOU can change enough to see past the weight? The only thing you can actually change is yourself if you have already discussed all this with her.

    [–]reluctant_commenter 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    It sounds like you feel upset with yourself for not feeling attracted to her. But, we don't choose our thoughts or our feelings. We can choose to surround ourselves with materials that induce certain thoughts and feelings, and we can choose to challenge beliefs that might be helping propagate certain thoughts and feelings (hello CBT). But blaming yourself for not having a certain feeling about something is like blaming yourself for it not raining.

    You said you were interested in changing your mindset. You could try educating yourself on body positivity (am not talking about movement, but the "love the body for what it does, not how it looks" type of idea). I don't know what all is out there, but if you learn more information that might change your mind.

    It's possible, though, that even if you learn all the information in the world and your perspective totally changes on excess weight-- you'll still feel the same towards your partner. And in that case, as others have pointed out, the question is whether or not you are okay with being in a relationship where you are not really attracted to the other person. Might also be worth considering if she'd be okay being in a relationship with someone who's not really attracted to her.

    [–]beereadit 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    So you're self aware enough to realize that turning down sex with her or ignoring her desire is harmful to her and yet you aren't self aware enough to discuss this issue with her and let her know what's up?

    If as you say you love her, you should tell her that you don't find her attractive anymore due to her weight gain and that sex with her has always been underwhelming, and give her and the relationship a chance to improve or a reconsider being with you, right now she is going to tie her life with someone who practically deceive her.

    OP, you're not evil for not being attracted to an obese woman, you're however harming and deceiving someone you say that you love and destroying the future of the relationship by withholding something as important as this.

    [–]just_lesbian_things 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

    Uhh, I don't wanna be the "it's because of porn!!" guy, but do you watch porn or consume other erotic material? I'm not going to tell you to quit or whatever, but I do think it can influence your perspective and it wouldn't hurt to be aware.

    [–]reluctant_commenter 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Just curious-- what in the OP's post made you think she watches porn? I don't think you have to watch porn to be influenced by societal ideas about weight gain, if that's what you're implying.

    Also-- you're a guy..? Sorry, I am a little confused.

    [–]just_lesbian_things 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    what in the OP's post made you think she watches porn?

    It didn't, that's why I asked.

    Based on my personal experiences, I find that it can narrow the type of women I'm attracted to significantly when I over do it. (i.e. it can turn a preference into almost a deal-breaker). But you're right in that SFW media does have a similar effect. It's one thing if OP is naturally turned off by larger women, but since she's asking for alternatives, it doesn't hurt to check if she's being influenced in other ways.

    Also-- you're a guy..?

    No, I'm using the term neutrally. I'm biologically female.

    [–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    No. Porn is boring. Why watch other people do it when you can do it yourself.

    Sidenote, skydiving videos are awesome cause I am never doing that shit in a million years.

    [–]whateverman 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    I would suggest seeking marital counselling to help you facilitate this conversation constructively. There is really no easy way for you to be honest about this that won't upset both of you unless she already has solid confidence in herself. A professional outside party should help translate your intent in a way she can understand despite any hurt feelings.

    [–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    This is fair. I think if the situation continues past the year mark I will bring this up as an option. I do think she's on her way to improving for herself (which is another thing, if I am pushing her to lose weight anything she loses is unlikely to stay gone and it would undermine our relationship) so giving it a bit more time and then looking into something like this seems like a good general path. Thanks.

    [–]sootsprite 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    I'm overweight and I don't think you're evil or an asshole. You can't force physical attraction, though from your comments about your sex life it seems like you've never been that physically attracted to her? I think you owe it to your fiancée to be honest about what you're feeling before you marry her, and then it's up to her what she wants to do. You both deserve to have significant others who you feel attracted to and who feel attracted to you, but sadly it might not be each other. Ideally you might be able to still be friends if you break up, but of course I don't know if that will be possible.

    [–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    It's less that I have never been attracted to her and more just that our sexual chemistry has never been super intense. She knows that part and is fine with it. Before now we've always taken the approach that she's not the best sex I've ever had, and I'm not as spontaneous as she wants, and knowing both of those things we have always been open, honest and worked to make sure each of our sexual needs were met. We've agreed that we are not each other's ideal sex partners but we are each other's ideal mates in every other way (and to be fair she isn't the worst sex partner I've had, and I am able to personally "plan" more spontaneity for her). It's only been in the past period I've mentioned that sex has totally bottomed out. But thanks to some of the advice here I think I have a good idea of how to navigate the coming period of time and when I would need to involve an outside third party to help mediate further conversation on the subject.

    [–]Ricky_Ticky 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Are you sure she is still as attracted to you as she used to be when you just met? ;) If a girl becomes apatheric, puts on weight and lets herself go, it might be a sign that she is not only dissatisfied with her job but also with her partner

    [–]blk-prncss 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Leave her. At least she can find someone who'll actually love her.

    [–]Astrid2448 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Honestly I would talk to her about it. Yeah it’s going to suck hearing it but she needs to take care of her health. If she doesn’t, your relationship is going to die out anyway because you’re losing attraction for her. Try to find something active you can do together.

    [–]zephyranthes 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I realize this is mostly an issue in myself rather than her body.

    It's an issue with her body and your family's finances, precipitated by the covid crisis. There's nothing wrong with you.

    It sounds like she's working 40 hours for vastly less pay and neither of her jobs is in her field anyway (so doesn't count for future employability). Is the money she brings in absolutely necessary? Consider allowing her to quit her job and letting her work on her body (athletics-wise), work in the home (also physically demanding and will help you save money), and take up a creative hobby (to help her see immediate results from invested effort, and to help her express her personality, for you to be attracted to her again).