What goal do you have in mind when you join or subscribe to a lesbian [lesbian: noun; biological female exclusively sexually attracted to other biological females] forum?

submitted by [deleted] from self.Lesbians

Think back to when you subscribed or signed up to a lesbian discussion forum. What was on your mind? Wanting to feel a part of a community? Nothing in particular? Increasing the member count? Curiosity?

What I mean by "goal" is, it can be for personal reasons or out of a sense of need, obligation, or interest. Your goal for joining say, a golfing group, could be to get outside, make friends, improve your golfing skills, do something new, participate in your local community, connect with someone you love through it, learn what makes people care so much about it, etc.

When I signed up for reddit to join TrueLesbians, it was a destination I ended up at by following a winding path away from trans and gender focused content. I would say that in the beginning, it was more about seeing others who felt the same as me about that specific thing and not really trying to connect with other lesbians about being a lesbian.

A lot of users have an alt for trans critical content, and a main for lesbian discussion. Some even only use their main for criticizing the excesses of the trans movement, and then simply use their personal social media accounts that have no connection to the "t-rf" account whatsoever for everything else. These tend to be a self-censored connection, however, since you must remain anonymous in your GC opinions or risk extreme abuse.

I went back and forth on this for a while. I wanted one for everything, but I found myself struggling to maintain my focus on notifications and content with such a wide range. So instead, I shifted my focus by asking myself what it truly is, in an entirety, that I set out to do when I seek lesbian spaces online. For me, it's a need to connect with others since I don't have a real life lesbian connection, and to do whatever it is I can, no matter how little, to help other lesbians. Ultimately, I'm a lesbians first activist.

If you don't want to elaborate, I'll make a sort of a poll. You can vote by selecting one of, or multiple numbers out of this group of what I think are common goals for joining lesbian only spaces.

  1. Curiosity. To read what other lesbians are interested in.
  2. To find like-minded people to befriend or discuss similar experiences with.
  3. To do a service to the lesbian community by engaging in content that is by lesbians and for lesbians.
  4. To learn about lesbian topics and perspectives from a newly out position.
  5. For casual chit-chat like any other forum, but with lesbians only so you don't risk getting screeched at for being exclusionary.
  6. To voice your personal beliefs and opinions surrounding being a lesbian and associated life experiences.
  7. For leisure/fun or pass the time, again, without the risk of cancellation or woke lectures.
  8. To grow with new insights you gain from others

For me, in order of most compelling to least, my goals would be 6, 3, and 8. While I'm sure most users comment or post with all of these goals in mind at some point, I'm curious about what compels you the most. What really drives you to read, vote, post, and comment. If you feel like elaborating, I'd love to know how your goal has changed or what you've added to it over time since first signing up to a lesbian only space. It would be great if everyone could limit to a top 3, but if you have more of course do share. If I didn't list a goal you have, I especially want to hear about that.

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[–][deleted] 13 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I think it’s changed with time for me. In the beginning it was 2,5, and 6. Now it is definitely 3 and 8.

I want to serve the lesbian community as best as I can. I want to find and create places for the lesbian community to grow and thrive.

Admittedly, I don’t engage as much since I want to give you ladies the spaces to thrive, but I am always reading what you’re saying (number 8) and taking them into account as I try to serve this community.

[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You're doing an awesome job. I try to contribute as much as I bitch about things lol. I know being a mod of such a marginalized and hated online community must come down to a lot of judgement calls that you don't want to look at retrospectively. It's better to er on the side of caution,though, given how sly and opportunistic our many haters can be.

[–]Ricky_Ticky 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

For me that would be 2. At some point I felt like I really miss talking to lesbian women about lesbian stuff and this is how I found TL on reddit. The best thing about lesbian forums is that no matter the differences in background, age, opinions or interests, I still get a very unique feeling that I can relate to so many things that are being discussed here. And it feels so fulfilling.

I have nothing against transgender folks (granted, the lesbian erasure is not so much of a problem outside of anglo-saxon world). But as I just said, if I join a lesbian forum, I want to be around women I can relate to, and with transgender it's not possible for obvious reasons.

[–]Innisfree 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I still get a very unique feeling that I can relate to so many things that are being discussed here

Yeah, it's the golden thread that runs through our interactions here.

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That's great! I'm so glad our modest little corner of the internet can have a positive impact on people.

Yeah, I don't really mind if people want to have a certain gender or transition or not. It's just really annoying how it dominated everything and how nasty its proponents can be. I also am very concerned about all the medical negligence going on with it, and how that negatively impacts lesbians.

[–]Ricky_Ticky 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I wasn't aware how shamelessly aggressive and hostile the TQ cult is towards lesbians until I joined Reddit. I am beyond happy we have this group. I just hope sjw will grow up and move on with their lives soon

[–]VioletRemi 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (30 children)

In general, I am not very often participating in any forums (I don't even have any social media accounts).

Mostly I am insterested in how other lesbians are living in the world, especially heartwarming to know about couples from non-homophobic countries, as I never had that experience, and it makes me happy. Interesting to hear about different gay/lesbian bars, women's festivals and other outlandish things of which I am not even aware they exist. I am very curious in other people experience in general, I like listening their stories and their experience. Most of the times I prefer doing that privately, however, time to time I am checking forums. This is my second lesbian forum I am in, first one was local and anonymous, as we were afraid of violence.

[–]florasis 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (29 children)

Is that so bad in your country?

[–]VioletRemi 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (28 children)

Well, nowadays everything is going slowly, but mostly in underground. No laws are restricting anything anymore, but no laws allowing same-sex marriages either (previous President wanted to do changes in Constitution that would de-facto allow same-sex marriages, but he was not able too, and new President ignores it). People are not as hostile and violent as before to LGB folks, many people are still despising us, but that's it. Nothing even close to what I lived through before. And you are not getting fired for "wrong" orientation too. In recent years were started first Pride Parades, however, this year it was mostly filled with transgenders, as their agenda is coming here and trying to play on homophobia by presenting transgenderism as "fix to homosexuality" (as in other cases with our language "gender" stuff is just impossible, we don't have pronouns in most cases and all our language is gendered and pro-drop, we don't even have concept of gender, only biological sex). I wonder what will be next year. I think there was openned one gay bar that was oppenned in Kyiv and one in Lviv, it is mostly for gay men, but I believe lesbians are welcome too. Sadly orthodox church (especially russian branch) are heavily against all of this and Russia is trying to push their homophobia here too. So it is really slowing this processes down.

And how's situation in Italy?

[–]florasis 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (27 children)

Italy doesn't have marriage or adoption, just civil union. But yeah, people are mostly accepting, it isnt a problem to be openly gay. It's a western country.Well, your country isn't fucked up as Russian, at least. But yeah, surely is influenced by Russia far more than the west and gender nonsense is even more dangerous in homophobic countries.

[–]VioletRemi 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (26 children)

Here Constitution states that marriage and civil union is "when man and woman [...]" and previous President wanted to change "when two people [...]". And many other changes that would really strongly benefit women (especially in sexual assault situations and some rights). Sadly he wasn't elected for second period, we would be much more "european" if he was. Current President is just clown (literally - comedian) and very weak, every other political power is spinning him however they want.

I think in 5-10 years here people will become much more accepting as well (unless Russia or transgender activists intervene strongly). So I am hoping for the best!

[–]florasis 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (25 children)

Marriage isn't important. I mean, I would like to get married, but in the end, what's matter is not living in an oppressive country where you cannot being openly yourself. You can live together without signing a document.

[–]VioletRemi 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (24 children)

Well, even civil union and any protection is still nice to have. As people are different and some women aren't very good people. Everyone need equal protection. I think I am thinking way too much about well being of others, heh.

However, being able to at least live together without hate towards you (and any other consequences, like I was fired from job decade ago for dating a woman) is already great achievement.

[–]florasis 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (23 children)

That's sad. Yeah, some protection is nice. I feel lucky that I don't have to experience that kind of discrimination. Ever thought about emigrating to the west?

[–]VioletRemi 8 insightful - 6 fun8 insightful - 5 fun9 insightful - 6 fun -  (22 children)

Is it a proposal? :)

And no, not really, I have a baggage to carry here, with grandmother and mother for a while, I need to sort out myself as well. At least I've studied my sister and bought a house for her and her husband this year, so less to worry about than before. Plus my poor health condition is not very suitable for long trips. Maybe sometime in the future I'll be happy to move somewhere in EU (or maybe Ukraine will join EU and that will be really good). Out of all parts of the world EU looks like a best place to live right now, with best social laws as well.

[–]florasis 4 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 3 fun -  (21 children)

Yeah, girl, be my nerd wife :D Ahahah, seriously, buying an house for your sister, that's sound so caring. I'm sorry for your health condition. But yeah, if you can, moving to EU is better than staying in a more backward country. Germany or the nordics are cool choice, both in terms of society and economy. I will likely move to Germany too.

[–]Gacho666 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don't have any friends, and even less with whom to talk about my sexual orientation, even though I'm not a closet person. I've had only one relationship, and I don't have much experience, so I would like to know about other lesbian women, because I think that our relationships are different from the ones that could have a hetero or a bi, and that those people have other perspectives that wouldn't fit into lesbian relationships, I also participated in content made for and by lesbians. I sincerely believed that things would get better but now I imagine how many girls will try to confuse or be excluded from the "community" just because of our sexual orientation because it seems that now we should accept any kind of person to the detriment of our sexual orientation, I would like all these young girls to know that they are not alone, that they are lesbians and that it is okay to be attracted to other women and no one can tell them what is wrong or suggest that they be with someone other than a woman, and that they know that there are those who support them.

[–]SillyGoose 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

The closest one for me would probably be 4. I know I'm a lesbian and have for some time, but it is still hard for me to fully accept myself. I come here mostly to read rather than engage because seeing that there are other lesbians out there is helping me slowly grow more comfortable with the idea, even though it takes time. The reason I would come here to read over, say, the lesbian community on reddit has more to do with the fact that I can't relate to stuff on there. Seeing a bunch of memes and images of women posted on there made me feel alienated more than anything, since I'm honestly not comfortable enough to make jokes about my sexuality and feel creepy looking at pictures of women. This community has some nice discussions that remind me that being a lesbian is normal and it has helped me a bit with acceptance. I guess it makes me feel like I'm a little less alone in who I am.

[–]Destresse 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Something along those lines for me, too. To feel less alone.

[–]yayblueberries 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

For me it's only 5 and 7. It's like a microcosm of how I use the internet in general, I like using it to babble and talk about stuff, but not necessarily always about bigger topics or serious things. And I've been done with being screeched at by woke SJWs since I graduated college in 2008.

I have a sort of vague goal of hoping that I break any pigeonholes there might be around what lesbians do or who they are. Sometimes I just don't always agree or am different even amongst lesbians, and I'm totally fine with that. I always hope maybe somebody just coming to terms with who they are and is lurking sees that and realizes they don't have to change themselves to fit a mold in order to feel like they belong.

[–]florasis 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

It is just nice to read comments from people you can relate to. That's it. Also, many interesting people here. Lesbians are indeed special women :)

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Do you do anything IRL that would be bigger and more serious, as it relates to lesbians? Or are you not really the activist type?

[–]yayblueberries 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

No I do not. I suffered enough abuse from my parents and in early schooling that I'm not willing to make myself a target on purpose.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Sorry to hear that. Way too common among our community. Another way that we are so vulnerable to all of these hostile takeovers. It sucks the impetus for defending our communities mostly falls to us, a vulnerable minority with much larger and more powerful foes. On the one hand, you want to be independent and fight for yourself, but it's like bailing a sinking boat with Dixie cups.

[–]yayblueberries 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I took some time to think about this and I realize I may naturally be doing something in a way! In the past year I have strongly begun centering and focusing my life around women as much as I possibly can. Like making an actual effort, because it's so easy to naturally let men in since they are pushy and demand to be in the middle of everything. I've made sure to give women voices, take them seriously, listen to them, give them time, while really detaching from men and not giving much importance at all to their voices, their interests, what they want, etc. So not lesbians per se but I am opening up space for women around me to have power and to hear themselves and to speak up.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Awesome! While I'm not really a radical feminist, I would say I agree with most of their central goals and points. One of the biggest being centering women. It's not that difficult, and can have a huge impact if we all practice it to any degree. Being lesbians makes it less difficult. So it's not like every single woman would have to banish men in every capacity of their lives to make a difference, in my belief. Anything you do for women will also benefit lesbians, so there's that.

I'm happy my post was of some use to you. I'm beginning to feel kind of like a nerd doing these survey-like posts, lol. I'm personally just really intent on amplifying lesbian voices and thoughts, and while not much, this little forum is all I have atm.

[–]FlanJam 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

2 and 5 mostly. I just wanna be able to chat with other lesbians without others chiming in with their hot takes on lesbianism.

[–]Innisfree 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I feel like 8, because it encompasses all the other points for me.

[–]writerlylesbian 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think for me it's all of them except 4. I'm not newly out, so that one doesn't apply to my particular situation.

[–]reluctant_commenter 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

For me, I was curious to meet other lesbians and really wanted to, and TL was the only place I knew of that had actual lesbians. Not fake "actual lesbians*.

The other big factor was that I felt really shaky in my sexual orientation-- I had just named for myself that I was lesbian, and was shocked to see all the language on Tumblr that was a) aggressive and silencing towards anyone who had even the appearance of rejecting trans people, and b) openly violent towards "TERFs". I sort of ending up deciding, that I could just read both AL and TL, take the best of both, and ultimately it would become obvious with more time which one was more toxic, or whether both were. Few weeks later, TL banned. I started posting in s/LGBdroptheT a little while after I joined this sub.

For me, most relevant: 1, 2, 5 (lol).

Now that I am here some of the other numbers are relevant as well. I am not out, however. That's something I still have to navigate.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I just like talking to other lesbians, I like that I can relate to them. I'm over here because AL pissed me off with all the immature politics and bitchiness that goes with SJW / TRA dogma.

[–]RedditVihaaLesboja 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I just want connect with other lesbians and not feel so damn alone

[–]LeaveAmsgAfterBeep 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

1, 6, 7 & 8 All of the above, but mostly I like hearing more about the world. Even before the current situation, I have been homebound for many years not by choice. So I try to participate online. I like encountering how others think but sometimes, they’re just so different I can’t even start to relate. Its not to say lesbians will always be relatable, but more so... to some of the same struggles and to similar background info/experiences. I really want to do more for the community- something positive, I see now as a time when we need it most. It’s not possible for me right now, but that is my goal. Also I really just enjoy being a bit catty around other people who find the cattyness entertaining rather than alien, and I’m mostly sassy about people who are TRA or otherwise jerks to lesbians. I’ve been in a lot of lesbian communities with major issues and at least for the time I’ve been on TL I have seen a lot of those worked through better than prior community/other sites, which has been fascinating!