Internalized homophobia in friendships with straight women

submitted by Shroomba from self.Lesbians

Hello ladies! I wish I had friends to discuss this with or even the most ideal, a lesbian therapist lol. I am pretty young, 20, and a larger issue that has cropped up is realizing that I have a lot of internalized homophobia in this certain area.

How do you navigate what I guess would be labelled internalized homophobia and insecurity in friendships with straight women?

For some background, I've previously had the most negative homophobic experiences with high school female friends and a female coworker. Now Ex-high school friends made me feel shitty in their awkwardness and aversion to my homosexuality. A coworker that I thought I was friendly with immediately blocked me upon finding out. In the same coworker group, there was a swim party that I went to (didn't swim) and I avoided looking at them like the plague. I assume that my coworkers and people in general can pick up on my uncomfortable and repressed vibes. There’s always been a general theme of shame in not wanting to fulfill the predatory, sexualized, creepy lesbian stereotypes that have unfortunately been drilled into me over the years.

Of course, you cannot control how someone perceives you after they find out you are a lesbian, so in a way it's kind of pointless to worry. On a similar note, I think that others can pick up on negative and insecure vibes that you omit so it's best to approach things with confidence. Still, I'm torn between dreading a SW friend feeling differently towards me in any way once finding out, or feeling like I am being deceptive in not making it known that I'm a lesbian whilst developing a close friendship.

I frustrate myself with the irrational, negative thoughts of expressing any remote aspect of being a lesbian being a form of ‘betraying the straight sisterhood’ somehow. I refrain from ever complimenting other women's appearances, saying "I love you", displaying affection etc., lest it be misinterpreted. I do have one SW bestfriend who knows and I am comfortable with though it is a bit of a different situation as we essentially grew up together and have always been like sisters.

One new friend I've made in past months that I have gotten really close with has complained about her discomfort into mutual straight male friends of ours expressing interest in her. I fear being grouped in the same category even though I obviously know myself and the platonic nature of my feelings towards all of the people mentioned previously. 

         There’s the somewhat ironic struggle of wishing I could confide in one of my SW friends in order to ‘bridge the gap’. Like just copy and pasting this whole essay. At the same time, fearing that doing so makes it out to seem like homosexuality is this big, dark secret and treating it as such fulfills the prophecy in a way? Perhaps the way to go about is to just take the jump and aim to open up about that area, much like the path to becoming an emotionally open person in general with friends, regardless of the subject.

Thank you to anyone who read this vent, I tried to keep it as compact as possible but naturally all my thoughts on this subject have been brewing all over the place for quite some time. Online sources on the matter have been rather scant. Thanks in advance to any replies, advice, similar experiences, etc.

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[–]WildwoodFlower 16 insightful - 2 fun16 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Some of these straight women sound like they need to outgrow their high school mean girl behavior. I am wondering how much of what you're dealing with is internalized homophobia vs. how much is actual homophobia?

[–]reluctant_commenter 13 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I relate so, so, so much to this.

I have been terrified of accidentally making my straight female friends feel creeped out. When I was a young teenager, I did just that on accident one time-- stared too intensely at a pretty girl I was friends with, haha. She shot me a dirty look and then I was like oh shit and tried to act like normal, but then after that say she ignored me, and pretended to have never met me when someone introduced us at a community event (not knowing we had already met). Can I get an F in the chat, lol.

My shame also comes from being told by female relatives that lesbians are all predatory. I still don't quite know how to deal with this, although when I act confident I can ignore the feelings sometimes. Just trying to talk to more lesbians and keep writing and thinking about these things in the meantime :)

[–]Innisfree 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Just trying to talk to more lesbians and keep writing and thinking about these things in the meantime :)

I find this very helpful. Great lesbian village we have here.

[–]carrotcake 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I relate to this in a way. I always felt really uncomfortable with girls changing in front of me and to change in front of them, was always scared to even look at them if they were talking to me while changing their clothes. When I started to realise I liked women, I stopped being affectionate and being able to touch my female friends like I used to. Or even saying things like I love you. I also think that one of the things that kept me from being out earlier is that I knew my friends would all be somewhat ok with me liking girls but they wouldn't be 100% ok and it would make things uncomfortable. Luckily most of these straight friends became better people with time and maturity, so I haven't dealt with any homophobia from them after I came out. But I'm also used to shun away from my life people that won't accept me so maybe I only stayed friends with the ones that would be fine with my sexuality. Oh and I also relate to the betraying the sisterhood thing. As women we have so much in common, I like talking and sharing experiences with straight women so I hate making them feel uncomfortable?

Anyways that's my experience. Idk if it helps. I really agree with you that being confident is the way to go. Most lesbians that I've observed that are treated normally by straight girls are really confident in themselves and in their sexuality. I stopped feeling so awkward around straight women or any topic that touched sexuality while around them when I became more confident. I feel that talking about this with this one straight friend that is really close to you can be a good idea. Maybe it'll make you feel better. Good luck :)

[–]LesbianInExile 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I can relate to this, partly as something I've internalised but also just partly based on the way straight women have behaved towards me and other lesbians (ie it's real concern based on real world attitudes from and experiences with some straight women). I don't have an answer - at times I've avoided straight women and only hung out with straight men and with other LGB people and stayed in the closet around any straight women I have to deal with. At times I have tried to trust and be friends with straight women but (based on past experiences) I am cautious about being out around them and even with the ones I do trust I am still very mindful of how I behave around them (eg wouldn't compliment their appearance, wouldn't hug them unless they initiated it etc).

[–]Shroomba[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank all you ladies for your input. I came out to that one friend and she was super accepting and supportive. I am very blessed to have the most amazing friends and I hope any lesbian can have the same. There's a special confidence acquired from having friends who happen to be straight women who love you for who you are and don't view you any differently upon finding out you're a lesbian. <3