Why I think a lot of lesbians end up thinking they are asexual at some point

submitted by Jinera from self.Lesbians

Okay, so bear with me, this is just some theory I thought of when my phone died while I was still on the train for another two hours.

In the past I have thought that I was asexual, and I learned this is not uncommon for lesbians to experience at some point in their lives. Why I used to think that? Well, I thought I never experienced sexual attraction. I would think of the way sexual attraction is portrayed in books, series and movies and I couldn't relate to that.

Sexual attraction is described as this all overpowering thing that makes you (want to) lose control. Mindlessly lusting after someone. Just getting turned on by looking at them. Thing is, I've had sex and I enjoyed it. So I was pretty sure I wasn't really asexual, but that I just lacked the ability to feel sexual attraction. Whereas romantic attraction is something I knew I was more than capable of experiencing.

But as I was sitting there on the train, I realised that what I based my idea of sexual attraction on, was what straight men experience for women. I am, obviously, not a straight man. We get told that men can't "control themselves", I've heard men talk about women they thought were hot in such an objectifying way. And suddenly it clicked. There was never any examples of lesbians describing what sexual attraction felt like to them - at least, I've never spoken to another lesbian about it, or heard about it.

By growing up comparing my experiences to straight men, I started thinking there was something wrong with me for feeling differently about women. Us lesbians haven't been raised the same way as men so as women we view other women differently and thus experience our attraction differently as well.

For me sexual attraction is a much less overwhelming thing, as I am simply not capable of viewing another woman as just a sexual object. All the attraction I feel is mixed with the respect I have with her as a human being, feelings of love - friendship.

I can't be the only one right? Either way, I hope this all made a bit of sense and can be eye opening to others who felt the same way while they grew up.

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[–]oofreesouloo 20 insightful - 2 fun20 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

I can only speak for myself, but I personally know what's on a straight man's mind plenty of times, I would say 90% of the times. I've always been aware of this. When I realised I was a lesbian at 14 when puberty hit basically (so I haven't gone through any "asexual phase") and started feeling sexual attraction for the first time, I was like "wait a minute, is this what men are thinking about when they see women?!". I immediately started distancing myself from guys at the time, because they were also in puberty and with the hormones all over the place and I wanted them the hell away from me because I was a woman after all and didn't want them to think those things towards me 😂.

I think one of the main differences between myself and straight males is the way I react towards my sexual attractions. I can feel and think exactly the same as them many times, but I won't 'show' or 'respond to it' the same way. Many times, straight males behave inappropriately when feeling those sexual attractions. I don't, because I feel it's inappropriate (mind blowing /s). The fact that I'm a woman also makes the experience totally different because I know what it's like to be a woman and males don't and many have some weird ideas of what being a woman is like or hold unrealistic views about how women are "supposed to be like", such as hairless, for example. Obviously, as a woman, body hair isn't shocking to see in a woman 😂 But for a lot of men? Body hair?!?!?!?! What is that you got on your skin, woman?!?! /s The way men speak about women also is very weird to me. Believe me, I know exactly what they're thinking and many times, I know exactly what they're going to talk about. But the way they word things and phrase things to talk about women will not be the way I do. I think it's because they're males AND because of socialization as males.

In short, I don't think because I'm a lesbian that I'm some purity person and that my attraction towards women is this pure angelic thing at all; but I also recognize that being a lesbian will obviously not be the same as being a straight male and will be considerable different.

I constantly feel like an alien, because I 'respond' to my sexual attractions like any other women (because I'm a woman LOL), but I understand straight males' feelings of sexual attraction and not straight womens'. So I feel "in the middle" pretty much on a daily basis, as I mainly contact with straight people, and practically all my friends are straight women.

PS: I'm talking about the average reasonable straight men in my answer and not those creepy porn addicted ones.

EDIT (Curious thing): This is exactly the reason why I've never bought into the TRA ideology and TWAW bs. The sec I saw those "trans women" in actuallesbians I could tell instantly they were straight males and I knew exactly what they were thinking and doing. I sometimes feel like that father who doesn't want the daughter to go sleep to the boyfriend's house because the father knows that her bf might want to do naughty stuff to his daughter. AGP males are the boyfriend; women are my daughter. PROTECTION FOR MY DAUGHTERS. 😂

[–]carrotcake 10 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I feel the same. I have this overpowering feeling that men describe when they are talking about sexual attraction. The difference is that I've been on the other side and have been sexualized and treated like an object for being a woman so I know better how to act and what to do with my feelings. In other words I know how to control this non-controllable feeling they talk about.

Having said that, I never thought I was asexual. On the other hand I did think for a while that I wasn't a lesbian, I was just sexualizing women's bodies because I live in a world that does that so that's what I learned to do. We always find ways to fool ourselves.

[–]just_lesbian_things 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

In other words I know how to control this non-controllable feeling they talk about.

Same!

The funny thing is, most people mistake me for asexual/aromantic before I come out to them. I'm not. I fall really hard for women, the whole blushing, stuttering nine yards. I definitely have a sex drive. I've done incredibly stupid things for love. I definitely understand the overwhelming feeling people talk about. The difference is that I keep a tight hold on my situation while a lot of men seem to let it spew everywhere. I never had that luxury. I had to learn to keep it to myself and I had to learn early.

I think part of it (the bad part) is that I'm afraid of homophobic backlash. As a teen/preteen, I was afraid of being outed against my will. Getting a grip on my feelings and having a good (or, decent) poker face was extremely important. It's less important now, but old habits die hard.

The good part is I understand how uncomfortable men have made me and I never, ever want to put another woman in that position. These feelings are my own, it's not fair to force other people to deal with them.

[–]VioletRemi 13 insightful - 6 fun13 insightful - 5 fun14 insightful - 6 fun -  (0 children)

I had asexual phase only during marriage on a man.

During my teen years and even childhood - I had very serious crushes into other girls, and I was eating them with my eyes during teen years.

Then I married on a man, and nothing in bed was working, I tried, he tried, we went to sexologist, but I was just not responsive and not enjoying at all. So everyone, including me, decided that I am just frigid and that is it.

And only after divorce, when I slept with woman, I understood that I wasn't frigid and that I was really thirsty for some good sex with a woman :)

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Hmmm... not really... as a teen I used to objectify women just the same as men, I would imagine myself as a guy too and have perfectly hetero fantasies, that's why it never even occurred to me that there is something lesbian about it.

Nowadays though I'm more attracted to androgynous women, and it's not what men usually like.

[–]Depressed 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Same here, almost down to the letter. What I'd also do is watch straight porn and just stare at the woman the whole time/pretend I was the man, while also using the fact that it was straight porn as rationale that I'm straight, duh. Nowadays I don't watch porn at all though.

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You're not the only one. I knew I felt differently about other girls from a young age. But my only frame of reference for liking girls was the way boys/men expressed their "like" for girls, and that usually involved bullying or manipulation or even trauma. It took many years for it to click that I was having crushes and falling for other girls because I could never relate to how straight men treated women and romance.

When I started experiencing sexual attraction (to girls and only girls) I was like ohhhhhh. Puberty showed me that I was not in fact asexual, just completely uninterested in sex with men.

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I have friends that thought they were asexual at first, they said it’s because they knew they didn’t like men but weren’t honest with themselves enough to admit they liked women. I was basically my own hormone monster since 1993 when I started high school.

[–]Lessom 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think there is some generalisation going on there especially with saying that as lesbians we experience attraction differently. Don’t believe this is always the case.

I speak for myself but I’ve been attracted to women purely from a sexual perspective. There is nothing wrong with just desiring the female body (as long it is respectful ofcourse). Not everything has to involve emotional connection for me although it is an added bonus.

[–]florasis 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I actually, know how men think, most of the time is the same lol

To specify, the overwhelming lust toward a woman is the same. But the overall sex drive is way less cause of less testosterone, and there is much more focus on the mental connection comparing to men. A mix of man and woman, that's basiclaly means being a lesbian sexually lol

[–]lmaonope333 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

can't relate. when I'm attracted to a woman I do get an overwhelming feeling of lust and sometimes, if the feeling of lust is very strong, I just cant help but picture her naked. this started happening when I was around 13. I'm pretty sure I know exactly how straight men feel when they're attracted to women. the difference is that men were sociallized to disrespect women, and I as a lesbian have empathy and respect for other women, as well as a desire to maintain a trusted social standing among women. so I know how to hide my lust in places where its inappropriate to hit on someone

[–]TarshishJupiter 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I had an experience with labeling myself as asexual. It's for a different reason though.

I had crushes on girls growing up (and boys), but they were innocent crushes - no sexual attraction. And as I got older, my crushes on guys waned (especially in college). My "girl-crushes" only got stronger. Still no sexual attraction though.

I was asexual because it wasn't safe for me to be a lesbian (I live in a homophobic environment and used to be homophobic myself). Anytime my mind even went there, I would shut it down. It's amazing what the human psyche can hide from you. I labeled myself as asexual for about a year, despite having a strong sex drive that I didn't know what to do with.

I first sexually "awakened" at age 19-20, due to a few things. First, I stopped being able to deny attraction to women, and sexual attraction became strong enough not to ignore. Second, I was starting to believe homosexuality wasn't a sin, which lessened the need to suppress these desires. Third, I was able to "experiment" with women in The Sims (yes, cringy I know) - Even then, I felt like I was going to be struck down with a lightning bolt from heaven, but it allowed me more freedom to think about being a lesbian.

One night I had a dream - one of many dreams, but for some reason this was the breaking point - about attractive women, and I woke up from it saying to myself, "Oh shit. I'm a lesbian."

[–]MyLongestJourney 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

A lot of lesbians think that they are asexual? Source?

[–]piylot 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Doubt there's any reliable studies on this, probably works out more true to say a sizeable portion of teenage girls who think they're asexual will later come to realise they're lesbians.

[–]MyLongestJourney 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

probably works out more true to say a sizeable portion of teenage girls who think they're asexual will later come to realise they're lesbians.

The above is just an assumption.

[–]piylot 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Fair, more of an approximate observation since there's no reliable stats

[–]MyLongestJourney 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It is a conclusion based on personal experience and personal experience is the best way to fool yourself.

[–]piylot 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

You're so wise

[–]MyLongestJourney 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I am a trained scientist. Wisdom is a nebulous concept.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I had a similar experience, except I could be a bit of a dog over my attraction to women, at least in my head, once I started allowing myself to be.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

That’s the difference. Allowing it. I think some people just feel boner-death guilt. When i stopped feeling guilty my perv level increased exponentially

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I experience sexual attraction very strongly. I don’t think i relate to your experience but i do feel guilty for how attracted i feel to women i like.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Embrace your inner perv. It always worked for me.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 3 fun -  (5 children)

Nope. HomoSEXual woman here. I think about women in a sexual way. Not all women. But when I see a cute woman, especially if she’s a lesbian, I don’t think about lollipops and pillow fights.

I think it’s a stretch to say MANY lesbians feel asexual as opposed to SOME women might have believed they were due to external factors?

[–]Jinera[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

That's exactly what I said. "End up thinking they are asexual at some point". What is so unclear about that.

And what about my text suggests we don't think about women sexually?

[–]oofreesouloo 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I think it's because of this part specifically: "as women we view other women differently and thus experience our attraction differently as well.

For me sexual attraction is a much less overwhelming thing, as I am simply not capable of viewing another woman as just a sexual object. All the attraction I feel is mixed with the respect I have with her as a human being, feelings of love - friendship."

This is not always the case. I've lusted over women purely on a sexual level, especially when I barely know her and it's the first impact when I see an attractive woman for the first time. It's not that we see women as sexual objects, but it's part of being a sexual being to lust over someone. Not always there will be "respect, feelings of love - friendship etc". For example, there's a woman I hate (which was my first love and broke my heart and was really mean to me) but despite me hating her and thinking she's evil, I still would love to have sex with her if she wanted as much as I don't want to admit it lol. I feel 0 respect for her and I hate her 🤣 but I still feel strongly sexually attracted to her.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–]oofreesouloo 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Well, I suppose that's good! :P For me personally, I think it's because I have a high sex drive and if I have the opportunity to have sex with a woman I feel strongly sexually attracted, bring it on please 🤣

    [–]LesbiSilly 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I agree with this as I thought I was ace when I was 14. But honestly, I wonder what's up with me. Like you said, I can't bring myself to see an attractive woman as a sexual object. I don't really want to undress a woman with my eyes, because it feels disrespectful. But when I try, I don't get past the undies? And I also realised my fantasies don't really involve another person- it's more like a lady's hand or something. I honestly didn't realise that other people actually had a stereotypical masturbatory fantasies until this year. I also don't know if I've experienced 'sexual attraction', but it might just be due to seeing it through a man's eyes like you said OP. When I have a crash on a woman, I just want to be close with her. For me, I want to touch her hair and hold her close. I don't know if this is relatable at all to other lesbian experiences. I also don't know if my lack of fantasies have to do with feeling like it's 'wrong' to objectify a woman like that. Or not. And anyone else get her sexual images in the third person?

    [–]les4les 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I also thought I was asexual for a while, I think because I experience attraction differently than is described in books and so on. I was also younger, though, don't think I'd really gotten much of a sex drive yet. I started getting one later on, but by that time I'd started thinking I was bisexual

    [–]candiedDagon 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    If it were possible for me to be asexual I wouldn’t have had to put most of my teenager allowance in the church offering plate to try and get rid of the sinner guilt. ;.;

    [–]HelloMomo 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I wrote an essay about that decade I thought I was asexual https://medium.com/@madelinewspalding/that-time-i-was-aro-ace-d971a4a9c1ac