I lost a close friend because I'm a lesbian

submitted by lmaonope333 from self.Lesbians

I used to go to an ultra religious all girls camp. during the summers I was in camp I was very in denial about my sexuality. I knew I liked girls but I also thought it was something I'd outgrow

there was this one older staff member who was a creep. she would constantly harrass and kiss underage girls on the cheek to the extent that it was highly inappropriate.

my best friend was targeted by her. remember this was an ultra religious camp, so most of the girls were quite naive. however this friend of mine was even more naive than everyone else. in fact she was willfully ignorant. I've tried to tell her the bare minimum details about straight sex but she always got very upset and didn't want to hear it

when I was 17 there was another girl at camp that year who I was into, and the feeling was mutual. we didn't really do anything more intimate than briefly holding hands, but the vibe was very much there, and we'd always be flirting with each other. she once told me that she gets crushes on girls, and I told her that I also do but that I dont act on it

both of us noticed the situation with the older staff member being creepy towards our friend. I think the fact that we were both lesbians helped us see the bullshit, because everyone was really sheltered and they were not aware of the existence of same sex attraction, so they didn't see the inappropriateness for what it was. we told the owner of the camp about it but she didn't do anything concrete to stop it. I still feel guilty that we didn't do more to stop it, however we did what we thought was best with the power that we thought we had

I haven't really been able to keep in touch with my friend for various reasons. however I know that if I try to rekindle the relationship with my friend it wouldn't work. a few months ago I called her house, her sister answered the phone and said that she'd call me back, but she never did. I'm fully out of the closet and she is probably still willfully ignorant about sex and sexuality. I'm pretty sure that her close mindedness is a coping mechanism for her, I have a hunch that she was also sexually abused by her older brother, and I wouldn't want to deal with the consequences of forcing her out of being naive. especially of she found out what lesbianism is and figured out that I'm a lesbian, she would probably really be creeped out and wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. and I wouldn't blame her, after all her only exposure to female same sex attraction was being sexually abused by an older woman. we were very good friends, and I really miss her but the whole situation is way too complicated. it sucks that I cant be friends with her anymore because of my sexuality

tl;dr: my formerly close friend was sexually abused by an older woman, and I can't really be friends with her anymore because she'd be creeped out if she knew I'm a lesbian

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[–][deleted] 11 insightful - 6 fun11 insightful - 5 fun12 insightful - 6 fun -  (8 children)

clickbait 😆

I wouldn't say you lost a friend because you're a lesbian since she doesn't know you are.

tl;dr: my formerly close friend was sexually abused by an older woman, and I can't really be friends with her anymore because she'd be creeped out if she knew I'm a lesbian

You said that you suspect that she was also sexually abused by her older brother. So I have to ask, is she creeped out by straight guys? If yes, then yeah she probably will be creeped out by lesbians too because of that older woman. However, if she was abused by her older brother but is only creeped out by lesbians, then she's likely just homophobic 🤷

you won't really know how she'd react unless you tell her. You might as well, there's nothing to lose since you already consider the friendship lost.

[–]VioletRemi 5 insightful - 4 fun5 insightful - 3 fun6 insightful - 4 fun -  (3 children)

You might as well, there's nothing to lose since you already consider the friendship lost.

She can blackmail then, if friendship is already lost (unless friendship is lost because she is attracted to you, but that is almost 0 chances, lol).

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 3 fun -  (2 children)

blackmail? But OP is already out. I'm not sure I understand

[–]VioletRemi 7 insightful - 4 fun7 insightful - 3 fun8 insightful - 4 fun -  (1 child)

Oh, sorry, missed that part! Then weird that friend does not know from surroundings.

[–]lmaonope333[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

she lives in LA and I live in NY

[–]lmaonope333[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

You might as well, there's nothing to lose since you already consider the friendship lost.

I'm worried about how she'd react. Right now she just sees me as a friend that lost contact. If she found out I'm gay she might think that I saw her as something other than a friend. Plus, shes extremely naive about sexuality, last time I spoke to her she didn't even know about straight sex let alone that lesbians exist

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

If you tell her and she thinks you had a crush on her just because you're a lesbian, tell her flat out that you are not attracted to her. That's what I do when a woman thinks all lesbians automatically want her. I low-key enjoy doing that tbh.

You know... the more you talk about this girl the harder it is for me to understand why you would even want to be close with her again. I personally would not be able to form a deep friendship/connection without someone who is that clueless about the world. It would be like chatting with a child. But to each their own. I'm not sentimental or a nice person so I wouldn't have any patience or compassion for it

[–]lmaonope333[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I grew up in an insular community so it was pretty rare to find friends who were worldly. And we had a lot in common, personality wise. Shes willfully ignorant about sex and I'm pretty sure its because of some sort of past trauma but I always had plenty of things to talk to her about that dont involve sex/sexuality

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Makes sense

[–]Anniesworld 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear that your friend went through this. I know that some people might say that you should have gotten more involved with her. That you should have explained things to her, but there is a limit to how much a person wants to know about something, especially if learning about it makes you the victim of a crime. Shutting herself out of learning about sex vehemently is more than likely linked to some experience she doesn't want to understand. I know feeling guilty about not doing more when that situation happened is probably going to stay with you, but you did more than most people are willing to. Most younger people don't want to get in trouble and be involved in suggesting a superior is being sexualy inappropriate. i feel proud that you stood up for her the best you could and that you have the emotional maturity to not force someone into confronting their possible victimhood. Sometimes it's better for people to keep moving forward without looking back.

[–]votkriscan 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

While this is an awkward situation, this matter shouldn't be judged on you being a lesbian. Since we live in a patriarchal world, there is something awful that happens a lot of the time, which is, women being sexually assaulted by men. However, how many of the straight women who were sexually assaulted cut off all men out of their lives, even platonic and family relationships? Very rarely. They might not date men for awhile or even for a long time, but they completely keep other men that have nothing to do with dating and which they feel they could trust in their lives. And gasp! Some will even tell you that their sexual assault doesn't represent the entirety of all men (#notallmen).

So if your friend is #alllesbians, there is certainly a double-standard going on here. That said, everyone has a right to not be in a human relationship with someone, so there is nothing much you can do if she rejects you but to gracefully accept it. If her friendship is that important to you, you can stay closeted about your orientation.

But don't fret over it. You are just trying to be a genuinely supportive friend who wants to be there.

[–]lmaonope333[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I dont think it would be a double standard, in the community where I come from, males and females do not socially interact unless they're close relatives or dating for the purpose of marriage. However I would still be hurt of she'd suspect me of being attracted to her, as I've never seen her as anything other than a friend

[–]LeaveAmsgAfterBeep 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Imo if you reported it as a teenager, you had no power to really change things anymore than you tried to do- what you tried to do was the right thing. All the campers including your friend were failed by the owner and other staff members, it was not the children’s/teens responsibility to report and force the change in something that often seems to skirt the protections that other venues of reporting inappropriate sexual behavior with children/abuse do- medical, etc.

I’m sorry about your friend. I understand the fear a lot her about her reaction but honestly you have no way of knowing what it would really be. I would not bring up anything triggering in a discussion that involves coming out to her if you choose to. Many people just simply grow apart, and are friends of circumstance. This is a normal part of growing up, though it can be sad and fill us with complex emotions.

Do you really have enough in common that you want to be friends moving forward if she gave you the time?

[–]lmaonope333[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

yes. I went to the precinct and tried to report it to the cops but they said that since I personally wasnt assaulted I cant report it. idk of that's bullshit or not, I didnt have internet access back then so I couldn't look up what else to do