Does my bisexual girlfriend want to commit to me?

submitted by Fox_Whispers2 from self.Lesbians

Hi, I'm a new member here - I've been lurking this forum for a couple of months, ever since the subreddit got shut down. So, I'd really like relationship advice - so I was hoping you lovely folks may be able to help me navigate my thoughts (since I can't find any relatable advice anywhere else!).

So onto to the issue... I met my beautiful girlfriend back in Autumn 2019 (via a dating app), and we've been in a relationship ever since. We see each other every weekend. She's openly and proudly bisexual, and I'm gay. She's told me that she openly loves men and women equally, but deep down it's the human she goes for. That's cool with me! But then... we jokingly brought up the subject of being public about our relationship on social media in the form of photos. With her consent, I have a few cute photos of the two of us on Instagram with lovey dovey captions, and she doesn't mind being tagged. However she's got no photo 'evidence' of the two of us as a relationship at all on social media. Now I know this may seem rather petty, given I'm in my late twenties - but I must admit I got jealous of the fact she's got couply photos (albeit one's she's tagged in) of a former boyfriend from many years ago on her social media. She's also mentioned this ex quite a few times in a very positive light, not necessarily romantic (even though it's been years since they broke up and he now has a girlfriend) . Am I over thinking this? I have this deep down insecurity that she wants to leave me for a guy, and I get so down when she says 'it's not because of you that i can't be public, it's the fact that it might offend others'. and it breaks my heart. I don't know whether this relationship is worth pursuing. She's a brilliant human - encouraging, compassionate, hilarious. Yet, I'm terrified of taking this further (falling in love with her more), only to find she would go the safer route...

Anyway, TL:DR... I'm head over heels for a bisexual girl, and i'm worried deep down she'd prefer to go for a guy.

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[–]TalerTest 27 insightful - 1 fun27 insightful - 0 fun28 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Who are the others that shes worried about offending? That's a weird excuse. Is she worried about offending randoms who can't bear the sight of two women in a relationship? Or is she also seeing other people and worried about offending them?

[–]FlatAFCactus 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

If she's out but only shows the men she dates then that doesn't look great tbh. Regardless of whether she just values men/het relationships more, if she's really struggling with internalized homophobia, or if she's hiding from very homophobic relatives it's a yellow flag at best. Especially considering that since she's bi she's can just leave and have a happy life with a man instead of fighting against homophobia and her own issues.

It'd be different if it was a female ex, but it still wouldn't be great. She could just not be that into you too and is using that as an excuse.

[–]TalerTest 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

OP said she's openly and proudly bisexual so I'm guessing that she's out to her friends and family. That makes her hiding even more suspicious imo

[–]VioletRemi 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

There is still difference between "I like men, but I also like women" and "Hello, it is my girlfriend, we live and have sex together".

However, it is still very weird. I saw few times people doing similar when they were wanting "to have some temporary fun" with someone, but were not thinking about any serious relationships. Even in heterosexual relationships I saw similar things - like my sister's previous bf - it was like "I am dating with you until I found someone better, so I don't want people to think I am not open". So can be this too. Or just internalized homophobia.

[–][deleted] 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

If she can’t publicly be with you she will end up with someone she can be with, especially if she says she equally likes men and women. I would be more worried about her need to not be seen as bisexual and with a woman

[–]carrotcake 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don't think it's a problem that she doesn't have photos with you in her social media as long as she isn't the kind of person that shares everything online. BUT what I do find weird is that you describe her as "openly and proudly bisexual" but then she's saying that she can't be public because it'll offend others? I didn't quite understand if she was talking about social media or about life in general but it doesn't sound right either way. How come she's proudly bi and cares about "offending others" just by being in a lesbian relationship?

[–][deleted] 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

So disclaimer, this is just what I did at one messed up point in my life.

The only times I would put my relationships on social media was when I was seriously committed to someone because I didn’t want everyone I was dating to see it. Granted they did know I was seeing other people, I just didn’t want them to get slapped in the face with it.

They may not be your exact case but there’s some reason she’s not wanting to share it with world other then other people comfort level.

[–]babystud 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

yeah shes keeping herself open to others if she wont post u

[–]Fox_Whispers2[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Firstly, I just want to say thank you to everyone for your responses. I wrote this last night feeling teary and alone and I'm so glad this community exists. I spoke on the phone with my girlfriend yesterday, told her how I felt insecure about the status of our relationship. For those questioning the contradiction between her being a proud bisexual, yet not wanting to offend 'the others'; I'm her first serious girlfriend (she dated a couple of women in the past but they ended badly). Her family are friendly to me, though they've told my GF that 'being with someone of the same sex will make life harder'. 'The others' are her colleagues who she has on Instagram - she's worried about discrimination in her mostly male workplace. My girlfriend said she'd like to put up a picture of us on to mark our one year anniversary, though she says doing so will be a big thing for her because she's still getting over homophobic bullying she received when she was a child. I don't want to make her feel like she HAS to do this just to please me, I just would've hoped it wouldn't have been such a big deal - and now I'm really doubting the seriousness of this relationship. That being said, she's supported me a lot this year - emotionally. She's patient, makes me laugh, makes me consider different view points - and I think I could marry this girl. What gets me is she was the first one to say "I love you" and "Marry me (One day). " We've even looked at pictures of houses together. She even stated "given we've done all these things, putting up a picture of us is still a really big thing". So I guess I'm still stuck. But I sincerely appreciate everyone's input.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

idk it's a little strange to me. I don't follow my coworkers on instagram because I don't associate with them outside of work. Her coworkers follow her so I'm guessing there's some kind of closeness/friendliness there? If that's the case then I don't really understand why she would be scared of them discriminating against her, but I'm not her.

She says she loves you and wants to marry you but talk is cheap. If she's so worried about homophobia that she won't even put up a picture, I don't know how she would handle being married to a woman. And she "openly loves men and women equally" so it's not hard for me to imagine her choosing the path where she won't have to put up with homophobia.

I really hope she's actually serious about committing. So far, all her excuses seem weak to me. Instead of giving you distant hope of commitment by saying "Marry me", she should show how committed she is and how prepared she is to deal with the homophobia that will inevitably come with your relationship right now and put that picture up.

[–]votkriscan 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I would say that this is a bit of a red flag. Even if she wasn't openly bisexual, the picture of the male ex there is an alert. If she doesn't want any "relationship exposure", she should have taken the picture of the ex down. Now, this could also take on a different meaning, and that is, she's serious about women, but just isn't as into you as much as you are in love with her, which is not a good sign either. But you know what? If you aren't exactly thinking of genuinely marrying her at this point, perhaps you can just enjoy the love that both of you have, and look at the bright side. Perhaps it's a misunderstanding and it will turn out alright.

This is a bit off-tangent, but when it comes to bisexual women, I've got several inklings as to how much (or not) they can be into women over the longer-term. It's very important to note that sexual orientation awareness doesn't always fully cut it. There are bisexual women with a common sense view of sexual orientation or a romantic view of women, but they will not necessarily stay in a lesbian relationship. So, these are my thoughts about this matter, if you will.

  1. Society success/tradition -Aside from money, the next thing human beings crave quite a bit is societal success. And one of the most easily attainable, at least on a technical level is heterosexual marriage. The whole settled house, marriage, kids, along with mainstream approval/praise and full societal support. It's why a lot of bisexual women and men end up with opposite sex partners. Gay marriage does not apply. You are still outside society no matter how great your partner is. Then there is the fact that some women do want kids and to raise them as a family with their spouse. So, if a bisexual women banks a lot on such society success, it's more likely that she won't stick around in a lesbian relationship.

  2. Relationships with women -More serious bisexual women have actual thoughts about being with a woman. Not just surface-level stuff, like "being attracted to a woman is no different to a man" etc.. Just like lesbians think about what type of women they love, the kind of partner they wish to have, what kind of life they desire if they are in a long-term relationship. Genuine bisexual women who are interested in women over the longer haul, usually will have deeper in-depth thoughts about women. Like, there should be more details on what she can say, and not just platitudes or statements.

  3. The bisexual umbrella -Bisexuality is a rather large umbrella. It consists of women who are more attracted to men, middle-of-the-line-bisexuals, women who are more attracted to women. Naturally, women who are more attracted to women will be more likely to stick around. Middle-of-the-line-bisexuals are trickier, hence points 1 and 2 to check her out. Lately in this climate, I think some sexually adventurous straight women are calling themselves bisexual while some other types of bisexuals are calling themselves queer or lesbian.

[–]just_lesbian_things 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

when she says 'it's not because of you that i can't be public, it's the fact that it might offend others'

Can you elaborate on what this means? It sounds like she's not going to commit to a same sex relationship. I would get clarification on that, and if that's the case, I wouldn't waste any more time on her.

[–]Fox_Whispers2[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

She's referring to colleagues and religious people

[–]just_lesbian_things 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Sounds like she's not serious about a same sex relationship. I would break it off or do some serious investigation. Does she have a timeline for your relationship? How does she plan on resolving these issues? It's one thing to have an idea in mind of how she wants to proceed with coming out and handling the public backlash. I get being partially closeted and keeping your personal and professional life separate or postponing public announcements until a more strategic point in time. However, if she's super flakey and has not thought about any of this, I would bail.

[–]Fox_Whispers2[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you for your input- no timeline. though when I asked her about her thoughts on this, she was very avoidant and kept wanting to change the subject

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This sounds like it's less about the photos on social media and about having a discussion about whether you want to take things further. I can understand not having photos on social media if it's just dating. However, you've been together... a year? Almost a year? I think you should by now know whether it's a serious thing of not. I'm 25 now, I want a long-term partner, and I know what I'm looking for so I think that around the 1 year mark you should know whether or not they're going to be a long-term thing or not. If it's not going to be a long-term thing then don't let it drag on, time to move on a find other people.

You're both adults too, so sit down and have a conversation with her about where things are at, why she doesn't want to be public about yous as a couple, tell her that you want to do those things because that's where you'd like this relationship to go. See what she says and does. It's not fair on either of you to not be on the same page.

[–]Skipdip 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My opinion is be up front with her about this. Be really specific about what your concerns are and what you want out of this relationships. You want her to feel comfortable and satisfied with you, you want her to be proud of being with you like you are of her. As your girlfriend she really does owe it to you to be sensitive about lesbian specific issues. Let her in on what the struggles are about being lesbian. Make sure she understands why the lesbian community is skeptical of bisexual women. (It’s not that we hate them, clearly we often love them, it’s what they do to us inadvertently)

Try to be honest with yourself about your own triggers. Is your reaction justified by the situation? Or is it’s intensity out of proportion? That is a sign that what is really going on is an imprint is being triggered. In any case, it’s still important to be honest with yourself first and foremost, and also with her.

Only you can say the answer here because only you have the full context.

[–]a_blue_bird 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Have you asked her why she doesn't have any photos of both of you?

[–]Hydiee 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It would be too offensive, she said. Yeah, I don't get it either.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

If you have to ask... When someone really likes you, they will show you. You won't have to ask.

Also, why are you with someone who is more worried about offending others than their relationship? Stop wasting your time with someone who isn't proving that they want to commit to you.

[–]peaked2020 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It seems that she likes you but is scared of the backlash. Where will that lead? Can’t say.