Open relationships?

submitted by Skipdip from self.Lesbians

So my gf and I are together, on a certain level there is a deep commitment and connection. But also... I don’t feel ready to never have sex with anyone again because she is also my first girlfriend. I feel like a lot of people say that automatically makes it doomed but I reject that, because it has happened before. Plus I am no spring chicken, I am 25 which is a age a lot of people find life partners. She has had plenty of sex and experience in different relationships (although I am her first real girlfriend), so for her she is already in a settling down place. I definitely feel like I need more experiences and she is open to it and has been from the beginning.

We are on a little break right now anyway and I’ve been talking to some people on tinder. My question is: can open relationships work? I’m not talking poly here because that sounds exhausting. Am I shooting myself in the foot here and making a big mistake? Am I doing a wise thing?

Please let me know all your opinions and judgements!

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[–]florasis 21 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 0 fun22 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

And anyway, if you love a person, she's enough for you. You don't need anyone else. The number of sexual partner is irrelevant. It's the quality of relationships that matters

[–]Skipdip[S] 2 insightful - 4 fun2 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 4 fun -  (1 child)

For sure, I appreciate that. But what if she needs time away and I am over here thirstier than a camel in the desert

[–]florasis 11 insightful - 9 fun11 insightful - 8 fun12 insightful - 9 fun -  (0 children)

They've invented vibrators...

[–][deleted]  (14 children)

[deleted]

    [–]florasis 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    You are lucky. I wished my first relation would have also been the last. Never been into the hook ups stuff, it's nothing comparing to make love to the right person

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]florasis 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      That's great luck.Being out of the dating world. What a blessing lol

      [–]Seahorse 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I love this.

      As someone that was a little shit that broke several hearts cause the "grass was always greener", I highly admire people who have found the one first off the bat.

      [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

      I haven’t seen it either. Maybe twice. Usually open is just breakup lite

      [–]florasis 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

      If you love someone, you don't want to share

      [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

      I don’t want to share. My gfs have never complained. Lol

      [–]florasis 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

      Most people don't want to share.

      [–]VioletRemi 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

      And dont forget hit to self esteem with "Am I not enough for you?" too.

      [–]florasis 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      It's more than that. It's sense of possession which is so strong in passionate love

      [–]Seahorse 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Yep and you're actually excited and thrilled that you'll be having sex with her and only her for the rest of your life.

      [–]Skipdip[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

      Honestly I am really attached to this relationship but we’ve had struggles with her BPD and now this trans stuff. I appreciate hearing your story about your wife! I don’t think I would be in this position if she was able to be intimate with me. She is the one I want to fuck until the cows come home lol, she is the one I fantasize about on the daily... hold on I’m fantasizing right now 🤤... but she just can’t right now I guess. She needs to do more of her own healing.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [deleted]

        [–]Skipdip[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        Yeah honestly I think you’re right. I’ll just deal for now, it’s a pain to meet people right now anyway. I’m not a fan of apps.

        [–]carrotcake 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

        Why are you on a little break right now?

        [–]Skipdip[S] 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

        Because there has been a tremendous amount of tension with me becoming gender critical, because she identifies as trans. She has a lot of trauma and BPD symptoms which make for constant drama, even outside of the trans stuff. I am in the field of somatic trauma healing so I can actually provide her with the tools to get better, but she needs time to integrate and take care of herself.

        [–][deleted] 11 insightful - 2 fun11 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

        Is this the “Demi-boy”? Skipdip, come on. Skipdip, I know you love her, but you will also really love a woman who is okay with being female. Don’t you think you deserve someone who doesn’t bring male into the picture all the time via trans?

        [–]lil_lamb 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        skipdip needs to get ahold of herself smh

        [–]florasis 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        What does it mean she identify as trans? Like transman? Oh damn...

        [–]VioletRemi 8 insightful - 4 fun8 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

        She has had plenty of sex and experience in different relationships

        So you are envious? ;)

        can open relationships work?

        Not in long run. It depends on you both too. As some people are fine, but majority aren't, even if not saying that.

        I, personally, would not really be able to have relationships like that, but that's me, introvert.

        [–]florasis 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

        You will probably break up in the future, anyway. Nothing last forever.

        [–]VioletRemi 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

        What do you mean by "break"?

        [–]florasis 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

        I meant break up. Nothing last forever. Thinking a relation at 25 will last till death is wishful thinking

        [–]VioletRemi 5 insightful - 5 fun5 insightful - 4 fun6 insightful - 5 fun -  (1 child)

        Eeeh, so you will later run away with oofreesouloo too? :D

        [–]florasis 6 insightful - 6 fun6 insightful - 5 fun7 insightful - 6 fun -  (0 children)

        I was talking in general. Our relationship will last till nursing home :D

        [–][deleted] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

        At 25 you’re no spring chicken? Give yourself some more credit then that lol. In my experience open relationships don’t really stand the test of time. If your already on a break because you need to do some more exploring that kind of says to me you’re not ready for a relationship. Judgement free over here, trust me I get the need for exploration.

        [–]Skipdip[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

        Lol yeah, I don’t know. I mean technically I am a spring chicken, but a late spring chicken. I originally just wanted to be with her, but she is dealing with BPD and it’s been really hard for both of us. Plus she is into the trans stuff which caused a lot of drama when I peaked. But she is my best friends best friend so I think there will already be a lifelong connection there. She is getting help, and asked for space from the relationship. If I’m gonna sleep around I think now is my chance. I am in love with her and I wouldn’t want the open relationship to be a thing in general. I don’t think I could handle it if she slept with other people. But she isn’t interested in that. And she has given me permission to do so multiple times. I have a date tomorrow hah... But yeah at the end of the day I want to come home to her

        [–][deleted] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        I’ll tell you this from first hand experience.....Just be prepared that you may have to brace for impact once the thing she says is cool now isn’t so cool after it happens. As long as you’re good with it go for it.

        [–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        They don’t work well if you and your partner are not mature and emotionally healthy people. She sounds like someone with too many emotional issues to have a relationship with that many potential threats. Also, make sure to monitor your own feelings in your relationship with her, if you are unhappy more often than not you might consider if that is how you want to keep feeling. You can’t force her to change or heal. I was with someone for close to 4 years with bpd and cptsd and severe sex trauma and if they are not willing to help themselves then you can’t do anything about it, even if you have all the knowledge.

        [–]Seahorse 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        "I am no spring chicken, I am 25" Oh please🙄😂

        This isn't what you want to hear but if you don't like the thought of never having sex with anyone else then you're not ready to settle down.

        Open relationships work but not at your age, years and years down the track (the ones that I know are 30s and 40s).....that level of experience and maturity is needed to cultivate a healthy attitude to something like that.

        [–]votkriscan 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        I was thinking, perhaps you could have your relationship revert to a fwb one instead? Where there are no expectations, and the both of you can take things step by step. On your end, you can see if it's a matter of getting sleeping around out of your system, or whether what you really feel, is that you are not particularly ready to settle down into commitment at this point.

        And for her, she can see if she's alright with this, without needing to commit into a relationship where both parties aren't equally committing.