Does anyone else struggle with being out to straight women?

submitted by SickOfThisShitNow from self.Lesbians

I know this is down to past negative experiences but I still struggle with being out to straight women - even in casual situations where their opinion of me doesn't really matter that much. I realised how bad this was at a couple of recent small get-togethers where I was with a group of straight women.

At the first one, everyone was chatting about a particular holiday destination which I am going to for a lesbian event (hopefully - if the pandemic's over by next year) so I could have joined in the conversation but because of the lesbian nature of the event I was going to I just kept quiet.

Then this week I was chatting with three straight women - one of whom I do know fairly well and who knows I'm a lesbian and two others I don't really know. We were talking about a particular city and I said I had been there a couple of times for events but hadn't had much time to look around. One of them said 'oh what kind of events' and I had a choice of telling them a) about a lesbian event which was more recent or b) about going to see Morrissey about 20 years ago (who has since then come out with loads of racist stuff and expressed his support for the far right). In front of these two women - one black and one Asian - who didn't know me very well, I chose to tell them about seeing Morrissey and have them suspect I was a far-right sympathiser rather than have them know I am a lesbian.

Is anyone else this crap? How do I get over it and not care as much about other people's opinions? I'm not sure how much it is that I don't want them to have a worse opinion of me and how much it is that I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable.

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newinsightfulfun

[–][deleted] 20 insightful - 6 fun20 insightful - 5 fun21 insightful - 6 fun -  (4 children)

There has been times when I had to tell them that just because I like women doesn’t mean I like you. That shuts them up.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–][deleted] 8 insightful - 4 fun8 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

    If I’m trying to offend them I’ll put a sweetheart or a darlin’ in there or maybe a aww.

    [–][deleted] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Which is so dumb because they don’t even want you to want them anyway

    [–][deleted] 11 insightful - 2 fun11 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    Yeah, they think you are dtf them like most guys are. Lol. I find lesbians tend to be more discerning, especially about sex partners

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I started only telling people I felt deserved to know.

      [–]RedditHatesLesbians 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

      So I'm only 16 and people are particularly judgy at my age, so it's slightly different, but I relate. I recently started college in the UK and I haven't come out to anyone there. The topic of boys has naturally come up numerous times, I've had girlfriends but when they ask me about my dating history I just vaguely say "oh you know, a few short term relationships in the past." I feel like it's a bit of an elephant in the room but I don't feel comfortable coming out at all, since even if they don't think of me badly they'll think of me differently and I don't want that.

      [–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Yeah. Teens are a different story. I forgot you were a teen. I lost friends when I came out and was disallowed in my friends and even a gfs house, in my twenties too. People were worse then. But it is hard and it sucks to be a teen.

      [–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Eventually you won’t care what they think. Caring what people think becomes too exhausting. You can’t force yourself to stop caring, it happens by itself once you decide to only care about people’s opinions who matter to you because they share your actual life in more personal ways

      [–]begonia_skies 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Yeah, I feel conflicted about this myself and go back and forth a lot. On one hand, I think the best way to break down stereotypes is to be out, so my straight co-workers can see a lesbian is not an exotic creature or a porn fetish, but a normal human being. But on the other hand, I really hate how uncomfortable straight women can get around lesbians, and I work in a really small office so it would get uncomfortable real quick. Sure, I shouldn't care what others think, but it's like I'm uncomfortable hiding that part of myself or I am uncomfortable with them being weird, so it's just a lose/lose situation. Plus pretty much everyone I work with is pretty religious, so it's just not something I want to deal with, so I feel you on this.

      [–]watermelonsappho 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I definitely feel this. I had a really difficult time even casually mentioning I was a lesbian to two of my straight female friends who are pretty religious on top of everything else. When I mentioned a date I went on with a girl, it was terrifying tbh but they didn't even blink. I won't lie, I was surprised, but it was honestly really refreshing to know that I can just mention something like that casually and it doesn't make me weird and it doesn't have to be a big deal. Not to say your fear around this isn't justified, but sometimes straight women can surprise you!

      [–]lmaonope333 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      yup. inevitably they tell me to just try dick just once.

      [–]carrotcake 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I'm better now (or I was before covid) but I used to get nervous and act weird whenever I was talking about my sexuality with straight friends. And all of them were 100% accepting of me. I wanted to show them and myself that I was ok with liking women so it was even worst because I'd feel bad during the conversation and after.

      [–]MyLongestJourney 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I am scared to show friendly physical affection like a kiss on the cheek,a hug etc. to straight women (or receive such gestures myself from heterosexual women),out of fear they will misunderstand my intentions.I am not out but I am very butch,single and have no children.I think deep down everyone knows or at least heavily suspects. I kind of made a point of informing everyone at work that I do not like to be touched.

      [–]Seahorse 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Yeah.

      I don't want them to feel uncomfortable with me, I know that's probably some sort of self internalizing, but knowing they'll possibly be uncomfortable even if it's for a short time makes me withhold information about my sexuality.