GOLD STARS share your experiences!

HelloMomo · 2020-12-27T16:57:05+00:00

My disinterest in boys was noticeable pretty early. In elementary school, a friend will tell you who she has a crush on and then ask, "Who do you have a crush on?" If you say "No one," she'll believe you the first time. Even the second time. But by the third or fourth time, it becomes suspect. She'll believe you don't happen to have a crush right now, but not that you don't have crushes ever. And so then your friend will think you're lying to her. The lack of reciprocity becomes a slight. "I told you who I like; why won't you return the favor? Don't you trust me?"

So I knew by the time I was 9 that crushes on boys weren't a "thing" with me. I conceived of myself as asexual long before I actually heard the word. I never tried dating boys because dating is hard, and I'm shy and lazy, and I can't possibly be bothered unless I really want it.

The closest I got to dating a guy was a male friend in college who had a crush on me, and I was like, "Well, if I'm ever going to try dating, this is an ideal chance. Going out and trying to date someone would be wrong and leading them on, since I'm pretty sure I'm asexual. But if the opportunity fell in my lap, maybe I should take it?" So I half-considered that for a bit. He was a good friend. I recognized something of myself in him, and I humored the possibility that maybe that could be attraction. Our neighbors in the dorm were shipping us, and even I sort of shipped us, in a hypothetical, "in another universe" kind of way. Like we would've made sense together. But then one time we were hanging out — and I guess he thought we were having a moment? — and he asked if he could kiss me, and I was just like, "...no." If you'd asked me half an hour before, I'd have said I should do it, just for the life experience. But when it actually came down to it... just no.

In contrast, my interest in girls slipped under the radar for a long time. When you're in elementary school, obsessive all-consuming relationships between best friends are normal, so I didn't think much of it. Then in middle school, I was too depressed to have crushes for a while. The classic hallmark of depression is disinterest in things that would otherwise interest you. Then in high school I was lonely a lot, and so when I was disproportionally into a friend, I was like, "It's because you've been so lonely and now someone's being nice to you." Also: "Girls are really pretty. It's not my opinion; it's just objectively true. All beautiful things invoke aching longing in my chest — so does the starry night sky, and Italian villas, and Gypsy Vanner horses, and I'm not into any of those. That aching is just the nature of beautiful things, it doesn't mean anything." When I was a toddler, there was a lesbian couple who lived next door to me, and so I've always known lesbians exist and are fine. So there was also an element of, "You're not actually gay, you just want to be gay and so you're trying to talk yourself into it. You don't like girls enough to actually do anything with it. If you went and got a girlfriend, you wouldn't be into her enough to make it work, and you'd end up hurting her." Throw it some asexual community discourse where attraction is defined very narrowly, and that compounds it.

So I was 19 before I realized that I was actually gay for girls. And even then, at first I said something like, "You always hear people say, 'I am gay. I am so so gay.' But I'm not 'so so gay.' I am only a little bit gay." And I think that was an honest expression of where I was at at that point. I used the word "gay" then rather than "lesbian" because I conceived of lesbianism as serious somehow, and having a higher threshold of homosexuality than "gay". But I think my gayness has leveled up since then.

I'm 21 now, and still working on the "getting a girlfriend." Sometimes with family or friends who I know aren't going to scrutinize me for it, I phrase it as, "The current lead theory in the field is that I'm a lesbian, although more research is needed."

Starburns · 2020-12-28T14:47:04+00:00

Tried to have sex with a man once in college but was repulsed and ended up climbing out the window to escape instead

knownasness · 2020-12-28T22:14:48+00:00

i have literally never felt the slightest attraction to a boy, man, or anyone that presents masculine. ever. it's just never been a thing in my brain. idk. it's not much of an experience as it is just.. a non issue? like, men don't exist to me in that way and they never have. i don't even dream about them romantically, sexually, etc. it's not something i ever think about until people start talking about gold stars. then i go, huh, i guess i am one of those.

EzukiRaen · 2020-12-28T11:30:38+00:00

I love your reason for making this post. It gave me a good laugh to start the day.

I grew up Christian. Not because my family was religious (my mother and younger brother were athiests) but, because I liked to spend time with my gandma and she was Christian. At the time, I was under the impression that one man and one woman was how it was supposed to be. The first time I heard about gays and lesbians was during the 2008 US presidential election (I would have been about 8 or 9). My mother asked me, "What do you think of gays and lesbians? Do you think they should be allowed to get married?" After she explained what that meant, I said something like, "If they're happy and love each other, why not?" That was that, and I never thought about it again.

A few years later, at the start of the summer between middle school and highschool, I saw something on tv about this guy playing basketball. He was talking about "coming out" to his teammates and all the support he was grateful for. I didn't know what he was talking about but, his shirt was black with rainbow letters and I distinctly remember thinking, "huh, that's a little fruity. Maybe he's gay." Right after I thought it, he said he was gay. That was when I had an epiphany. I kept thinking, "He knows who he is. How does he know who he is? Who am I? How do I know who I am?" I then started to reflect on my life up until that point. I remembered the handful of times the older generation of women would call their female friends "girlfriends", how that always confused me, and how it made me uncomfortable to even think about calling any of my friends "girlfriends". I looked back on this "game" people used to do in middle school where they would go up to people and ask them "are you gay" and if you hesitated and didn't immediately say "no" then you were labled gay for the rest of the day. I remembered whenever my friends would talk about "cute boys" and they would ask me if I liked anyone how I would always say "no, none of them interest me". It was like my brain finally realized that being a lesbian was not only real but that I might be one too.

I was 14 at the time and I spent the whole summer and following school year doing research about lesbians and the LGBT+ community. However, most of that time was spent reading shoujo ai manga online or watching anime with implied relationships. About a month or two before I came to my conclusion was when I found out about the discrepencies between christianity and being gay. I didn't think it was true. I grew up believing God was a being of love for everyone he created. He had a plan for everyone so why would he make people knowing that they'd go to hell? I then found a video of a man who explained everything so well that I was able to reconcile my (at that point, potential) orientaion with my faith.

At the end of it all, I gave myself three tests. The first, I would have to say outloud "I'm straight, I'm bi, I'm gay, I'm a lesbian". In my head I was thinking, "If it's hard to say then it's probably true. I know I'm not straight so that should be the easiest to say. There's a lot of stigma around the word "lesbian". If I'm not one, it should be easy to say because it wouldn't be applicable to me. If I am one, it might be harder to say". The first three were easy. When I got to saying, "I'm a lesbian", is when I stopped for a few moments because I started to get anxious. When I finally said it, it wasn't as loud as the other ones. Then, I did it again to match the volume of the other statements I made. Finally, I said it a third time, just because I could.

My second test was probably the dumbest out of the three. I went on my ipad and typed "men" and "women" and looked at pictures to see if I felt anything or not. The only thing I got from that was, "Beautiful people are beautiful people. It doesn't mean I'm attracted to someone just because I can see they're beautiful."

The last test was the most interesting. For this one, I had to close my eyes and imagine my future and who I saw in it. First, I pictured my future waking up next to a man. It was one of the strangest experiences I've had. I had such a rush of adrenaline and started to get very figity. It felt like I was suffocating and I started crying. There wasn't even anything much to what I was picturing. The scenario was simply in a bed, look over, and who's next to me? I did not like picturing a man at all but I also didn't anticipate that I would feel like that. Even thinking about it now feels strange. After that, I pictured the same scenario but, instead of a man, seeing a woman. It felt like the biggest weight was lifted from my chest and like I could finally breathe and I was smiling like a lunatic.

I didn't think my thrown together "tests" would yield much. Even less, I didn't think I'd get so emotional. I think in the midsts of my research, "research", and self reflection, I had already come to the conclusion. I think my "tests" were my way of stepping over that line of acceptance for myself. There were still some doubts within me like, "What if I'm lying to myself? What if this is a phase that I'll grow out of? Even though I haven't ever experienced any sort of attraction towards men, what if I'm bi"? It took me a few years to get rid of those thoughts.

After I accepted who I was, I became an athiest (an unrelated coincidence), my dreams for the next few months were about having a girlfriend, and I was also able to realize, a few months later, that I had a crush on someone. In my last year of high school, I tried to start a GSA. The principal vetoed it so, it never happened (and apparently I was the second person to try and start one; the first person graduated a few years prior).

bradjohnsonishere2 · 2020-12-28T15:00:54+00:00

Girl at band camp told me she was a lesbian. I asked what that meant and she explained, then I sat up all night putting together the pieces in my head. “Maybe other girls didn’t spend middle school thinking about kissing their best friends? Maybe other girls actually ENJOYED kissing their boyfriends? Maybe I could kiss a girl?”

It was quite a night.

I came out to my parents about 2 months later lol

zephyranthes · 2020-12-28T15:17:56+00:00

I had a crush on a boy, wanted to marry him and be a loving, dutiful, and 100% obedient wife. He was my first real friend, you see, and older (16 to my 13), and knew lots of fascinating stuff. But I didn't want to do anything dirty - why? Eww!

Generally, boys were awesome. But not that one, or that one, or indeed anyone in my class (idiots, with a couple exceptions good enough to talk videogames with), or anyone younger (haha toddlers) or older (brutish alcoholics). Really, had I ever thought about it, I'd have noticed that while boys in general might be "awesome", sharing in the Glorious Male Spirit, only my friend was a deserving representative.

And girls drooled. Droooooooooled. Dumb bimbos, all of them. Except that one, she's smart. Or that one, she's not book-smart but awesomely mischievous. Or that one, she's more awesome than me. Or that one, she's so beautiful, why is she so beautiful? I want to hold her hand or something. Again, had I ever thought about it, I'd have noticed that while girls were undoubtedly dumb bimbos, nine out of ten were exceptions.

As for "political" lesbians, where I am, this label is exclusively claimed by radical female separatists, and I'm fine with it. A woman who actively seeks potentially romantic friendships with women and has zero interest in men going forward is a lesbian if she says she is.

strictly · 2020-12-29T02:08:23+00:00

I grew up in a conservative, homophobic and religious family (they are Jehovah's Witnesses, could have been worse though).

As a kid whenever anyone said anything about me getting married to man I always said I wouldn't. People said I would change my mind, I never did.

I had crushes on other girls early but thought everyone felt like that about girls they wanted to be friends with. I started having sexual feelings about women when I was around nine. I thought I had accidentally given myself a sinful sexual fixation to women by looking at the images of the female reproductive system. I was scared my parents would find the biology book and understand the "lewd" pictures I had been looking at.

The kingdom hall (church) used to warn us about the temptations of homosexuality and the temptations of the opposite sex. I thought the temptations of homosexuality was real as it seemed self-evident that people would rather have homosexual relationships, I thought the reason the elders were warning about it was because it was a real risk that the human species would go extinct if the trend continued (they didn't explicitly say they human species would extinct but they talked about it not leading to procreation so I as child interpreted it as that). I thought I would do my duty and not have homosexual relationships but no one would ever be able to force me to be with a man and have children, I didn't care if the human species would die for it. I didn't really get why the elders bothered warning about the opposite sex though as it seemed super easy to resist boys.

I still thought I was heterosexual due the infallibility of the creator, homosexuals were just heterosexuals who had self-induced same-sex fetishes (nowadays I think JWs acknowledge some may be born with homosexual inclinations but that it shouldn't be acted upon). As I thought I was straight I thought straight girls were repulsed by the idea of being with men just like me. I thought even if the creator created all humans to be heterosexual we can still say no to being with males, we can choose being celibate spinsters instead, no religious rule against that (many biblical passages supporting celibacy, I used these to make my parents back off). I thought straight girls acted so illogical when they voluntary pursued boys, like they didn't understand it was allowed to be alone.

I was quite vocal about my anti-sex and anti-romance stance in my teenage so my classmates suspected me of being a lesbian. I denied it (as the creator doesn't make mistakes) but they didn't believe me because it was evident I wasn't into boys. I only knew one person who was openly gay in the school, the girls liked him but they didn't like me so they bullied me lot, not just because of the lesbian thing though, for the way I dressed (looking too much like a boy), and for being strange overall.

I had refused to wear dresses/skirts since I was a little kid. My parents were ashamed of me as it considered an abomination for women to dress like men. I knew I had to give in regarding that if I wanted to be JW but couldn't make myself do it so I never got baptized fortunately.

I thought the sinful part of homosexual relationships was the sex bit so sometimes I entertained the idea that I could find a woman to be in a committed relationship with and we would just not do the sinful sex. I realized it was much harder than I thought in my first relationship, my first girlfriend wasn't religious so she didn't really care if we failed to not be sinful.

There were JWs who said that being with someone of the same sex was like a human being with a pig. The "unnaturalness" of homosexuality bothered me a long time, members of the same sex can't reproduce so homosexuality had to be a perversion. I realized though straight women who don't want children would have to be on birth control, and that seemed quite unnatural too. In that case it seemed better to be homosexual and not need birth control. Also eternal life didn't really seem worth the cost if one had to live life avoiding everything that is fun, and I decided I was fine with being punished with eternal death. I stopped believing in the "truth" (JWs nickname for their religion) later and I'm an atheist now.

I don't have any hard feelings against JWs though. I was never pushed to experiment with boys by JWs (extramarital sex being a sin). I think people from more progressive families might have had been more pressured to be sexually inclusive in order to be nice, and JWs focused more on teenagers saying no to sex despite it not being nice.

EDIT: Being more concrete

33799 · 2020-12-29T02:03:25+00:00

I wasn't interested in guys and they weren't interested in me... there were a couple of times (in elementary/junior high) I picked out some guy, in my head, who I thought wasn't totally obnoxious or disgusting to try and convince myself that he wasn't so bad (but I'd never tell anyone) and that maybe I could have a crush on him, but obviously it doesn't work like that, and the first time I had a real crush on a girl (ninth grade), I realised how stupid and pointless it had been to try and force myself to believe some guy was cute, that liking someone isn't just thinking "oh you're not so bad", and that I was 100% gay and definitely not bi.

Also before getting feelings for my first crush, I definitely wanted to believe to that men as beautiful as (super feminine) manga boys existed... .Hack Legend of the Twilight Bracelet's Reki and Shugo were so cute to me, lol. Or CLAMP boys... Kamui is the prettiest noodle person.

Shales123 · 2021-01-09T03:02:21+00:00

I grew up religious, and was raised to believe that dating was only for the purposes of marriage. I realized that I'm a lesbian at 17, and in my community girls started dating guys in their early 20s

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