Is she actually a lesbian?

submitted by Creamsoda from self.Lesbians

Hey, I'm seeking some relationship advice because I'm confused about this scenario.

I'm 21 and this is my first relationship even though I've been out since I was 13. Mostly due to shallow pools. Well, we've been dating for 6 months and things seem to be going well. We have a lot in common, both love the same type of music, and she plays drums while I'm a bassist so we always have that to talk about. Because she's so wonderful and it's my first relationship I'm worried that it's making me a total pushover and I'm missing some very obvious signs that something is "off"

So she's my first when it comes to sex and it's just incredibly, incredibly one sided. I go down on her and she just lays back and idk... Thinks of England?? Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy it and I love her body, her scent, her everything, but she's basically the embodiment of a pillow princess and acts VERY passively. I almost always initiate and when I do she kisses with very little passion, and she just doesn't seem all that into it.

She likes the oral and gets into THAT but doesn't ever want to give herself. Now, I've talked about this to her because communication is important, but what she's said is that she's not "comfortable" with giving because she just doesn't like it, and the taste and smell and texture put her off. Wtf?? So she's basically saying she doesn't like pussy?? I asked her if there were other things she'd like to try where she could play a more active role, and I suggested that we could research it, maybe by reading some "authentic" lesbian written erotica for ideas, or maybe we could try toys. But she just said she'll think about it and didn't seem to want to continue with the subject so I just dropped it.

So... Is this normal at all? It's so weird me and it makes me feel sort of rejected. I constantly want and desire her body, she drives me crazy with it, but she considers oral "gross" and doesn't seem to have the same desire

We have a lot in common outside of sex and we get along really well, like best friends. So I don't want to break it off because honestly this is the closest I've ever felt to anyone emotionally. But is my inexperience making me a doormat?

all 6 comments
sorted by:
top
newinsightfulfun

[–]LesChameleon 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Huhhh, this is a tough situation.

Rather than discussing whether she a lesbian or not, I'd focus here on how she doesn't seem to care about your feelings and isn't willing to compromise at all (which is a huge red flag and IMO means that this person isn't someone you should date seriously). If she can't offer you what you need in terms of sex, then she's not the one for you, regardless of how much some other aspects of you two spending time together are good. As you said, you get along "like best friends" and maybe that's what you two should be...? Oftentimes, lesbians tend to get into a relationship with someone just because they feel this amazing emotional connection, but that alone isn't enough - not having great sex and mutual attraction is the most obvious sign that you two are better of as gay pals, rather than girlfriends.

[–]Icebridge 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I would say no one needs to "compromise" when it comes to this. It doesnt feel like a compromise because in this sort of situation it would be one of them something shes uncomfortable with. Seems like op has has the discussion and her gf has either explicitly or passively expressed discomfort with going down on her or using toys. Why would it be wrong for a guy to pressure or want his gf to do something she doesnt want to do (not saying op is doing this by asking one time ofc but in this context suggesting she should "compromise" reminds me of that), or get her to do something else she doesnt want to do as "consolation/compromise" but its ok for us? Nor should anyone be shamed for boundaries imo. Ops gfs boundaries are pretty restrictive and will limit the amount of people she is compatible with, but thats how it is. Op makes it seem like they have a good relationship outside of sex so its hard for me to see ops gf entirely negatively, i agree its better to be friends.

To answer op, is it "normal"? No, not really. Maybe she just has an excessively low sex drive or something. I wouldn't draw any conclusions about her not being a lesbian unless i saw her act attracted to men though. The way i look at it is: I'm a lesbian and I'd never let anyone who isn't female go down on me, even if i didn't have to reciprocate, the idea of men doing that to me is repulsive. So she must at least be attracted to you in some way? But it doesn't really matter because at the end of the day you arent sexually compatible. Its not a rejection or a reflection on either of you negatively. I know its tough to end a relationship with someone you like over this, especially because our dating pool is small, but i dont think this will be a common issue you run into.

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I know exactly how you feel, well mostly: when I was in my first relationship, I was so into her because everything was SO new and SO exciting and SO overwhelming, I was blinded. I had also never felt so close to anyone emotionally. Looking back, I "knew" something was off; something felt off and I couldn't explain it at the time. I overlooked it and eventually those problems grew worse until we broke up. The same issues that came up early in our relationship were the same ones that ended it. It wasn't about sex though; I kind of had the opposite problem lol.

'Is she actually a lesbian?' IDK. I'm a lesbian but I'm also not into oral, either giving or receiving. It just doesn't do anything for me. Also I agree with LesChameleon, whether she's a lesbian or not doesn't seem to be the issue. The issue seems to be: is she all that into you? What raises concerns for me is that she "kisses [you back] with very little passion" and she's doesn't seem to want to work out a compromise with you/discuss it further. Maybe talk to her about it again and bring up how it makes you feel. Tell her what you've told us, if you haven't done so already, that it makes you feel sort of rejected. See if she's willing to discuss it further. If you two can't work out a solution, and it continues to bother you, maybe consider if this relationship is worth it? I know that SUCKS; believe me I KNOW. But seriously consider it, because it's better to end things early if it's not gonna work. Hanging on will only make it worse. But try to work things out first, of course. Maybe she's just bad at sex?

And no, your inexperience is not making you a doormat. But your inexperience might be blinding you like it did me.

[–]greenergardens 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm going to offer a point I didn't see mentioned anywhere: lesbian sex isn't just oral. Is she not willing to pleasure you in other ways, either? Manual stimulation of clit and fingering, toys, etc. Do you all only do oral? Oral isn't for everybody. Now, if she won't even try these other methods, then I'd say she is a PP and you're just not compatible that way. It's ok to be really good friends and not necessarily good partners.

Regarding the not very passionate kissing, my ex was the same. It was something lacking for me, her not being into it because of her personal reasons (same as oral, germaphobe).

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Keep trying to talk to her about it before you throw in the towel. This is going to sound a little grotesque, but great head/sex does not = a great relationship. So you could dump her and go for a girl who you have great sex with, but she’s a horrible partner to you, so think before you jump. Sex is never perfect and I would say if you weren’t having any or any physical contact that’s a real problem. It’s just not 100% what you want. Don’t go chasing perfection because you’ll never find it.

In your situation it sounds like she’s a passive pillow princess and you’re someone who needs versatility. Try working it out some more. If it’s really miserable then you’ve gotta reflect on that on your own and make your own choices about what’s really right for you.

[–]verystablegenius 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

In short: if she has no interest in your sexual gratification you 10000000 billion percent need to break up with her.