all 46 comments

[–]QueenOfTheNorth 44 insightful - 5 fun44 insightful - 4 fun45 insightful - 5 fun -  (1 child)

No because internalised misogyny is unattractive. I also want to be able to talk about being attracted to the female body without hurting my female partners gender fee fees.

[–]Srime[S] 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Didn't even think about that. Being more attracted to their feminine features might actually upset someone wanting to present more masculine. Might not work out anyway

[–]DefinitelyNotJannat 37 insightful - 2 fun37 insightful - 1 fun38 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I won't date delusional people in general, including women who think they can be a man

[–]candiedDagon 36 insightful - 1 fun36 insightful - 0 fun37 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I’m a butch who’s into femmes, but I wouldn’t even have a friend who buys into gender ideology. Just dropped my straight friend of five years cause she said male and female aren’t real and is “cisgender” now. That kind of thinking caused me trauma in my early 20s and I just don’t want to be around it at all. These people care more about fitting into gender roles than they do about being real and honest. If the woman doesn’t see themselves as a real woman, has no pride in being a woman, they probably don’t see you as real woman or anything to be proud of either. My struggle to accept myself and be proud of the woman I am is extremely important to me and I would only want to surround myself with people who get it. People who believe sex is mutable aren’t even going to able to conceptualize it, they lost the vocabulary when they decided biology itself could be wrong.

[–]Lessom 33 insightful - 1 fun33 insightful - 0 fun34 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No I wouldn’t. They are still female but I’m not into self hating women that are pretending to be men. Also the impact the hormones will have on her vagina and the excessive hair on body/face would gross me out. I’m also only attracted to femmes so wouldn’t be compatible with a pre surgery/hormones trans female either.

[–]oofreesouloo 27 insightful - 1 fun27 insightful - 0 fun28 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No. You're still a lesbian lmao. I personally wouldn't date one because 1) I don't like masculinity, contrarily to you 2) effects of testosterone are a huge turn off to me (deep voice, beard, etc) and finally 3) I want to date women who like to be women lmao, so no to non binary/gender fluid women, trans men, etc

[–]Poppy29252 24 insightful - 7 fun24 insightful - 6 fun25 insightful - 7 fun -  (0 children)

Hard no. I wouldn't date a woman who thought she was a man, or one who called herself queer, nonbinary, gender fluid, gender queer, or whatever else they're making up these days.

Those are all part of a personality I'm not into.

I'm into butch women but not when they think their button downs make them a man.

[–]ShotsFired 23 insightful - 6 fun23 insightful - 5 fun24 insightful - 6 fun -  (3 children)

No. And wouldn't dating me, a lesbian, be a constant reminder that she is female and make her gender dysphoria worse? The level of cognitive dissonance...I can't.

[–]Golly 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

This is something I've wondered about too. Do homosexual trans men even want to date lesbians? I'm guessing no? But if they chase after straight women the same way transbians chase after lesbians I haven't heard anything about it. So idk

[–]Shinyowl 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I had a trans man message me on a dating site a couple of years ago. I was completely perplexed.

[–]jackthelassforgot 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My tinder says "lesbian" and there's nothing on there to indicate I'd date a transman (though I assume facebook mines that data from my other accounts and keeps promoting me to transmen), but I still got several superlikes/secret admirer cards from trans men, so some seem to be practical about hitting on women that could legitimately be attracted to their genitals.

The ones I've seen trying to hit on specifically straight girls seem to be the ones getting all their expectations from the queer theory corners of the internet and lack any real-life dating experience post-transition: the newly transitioned or newly single post-transition. I haven't seen any be pushy like transbians, but I have seen a similar inability to adjust dating strategy for a new demo, where transmen have trouble taking initiative the way straight men are expected to, or expect straight women to act like lesbians and put equal effort into wooing them.

[–]MyLongestJourney 24 insightful - 2 fun24 insightful - 1 fun25 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

No. Even if said transman was pre-op,pre-hormones and not trying to imitate a male douche,there would be mental issues with them and I want a healthy partner.

[–]lil_lamb 21 insightful - 2 fun21 insightful - 1 fun22 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Heck no lol. i’d want to date a woman whose confident about being a woman & isn’t going to inject themselves with testosterone and act all pseudo masculine, that’s just cringe. Plus i’m not into playing pretend with gender identities, so that would get annoying real quick

[–]TalerTest 19 insightful - 4 fun19 insightful - 3 fun20 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)


[–]homosomes 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Transman, never. Detrans, maybe. Depends on how much surgery they've done and if they still believe in gender religion. The closer they are to looking male, the more of a turnoff it is. I've known a few detransitioned women who stopped taking hormones after a short time that go back to looking pretty close to their original self.

I'd be more worried about the health consequences that years of cross-sex hormones and surgeries does to a female body.

[–]PeanutAllergy 15 insightful - 2 fun15 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

No way. I can't date a delusional/self-hating woman and the effects of the hormones are too much of a turn off.

[–]LilianH 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I wouldn't. I know a few women who have, or who have had a partner who transitioned and none of their relationships survived.

[–]hufflepuff-poet 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

The only transmen in relationships I know irl are my gf's brother and his bf--aka two lesbians who transitioned into "gay trans men" and from what my gf has told me it seems like her brother was really pushed along by the partner, seems like you either break up or transition too when a partner comes out as trans. Neither of those sound appealing to me...

[–]SerpensInferna 12 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Your first mistake is believing that any transman is mentally stable.

[–][deleted]  (19 children)


    [–]ughthisplace 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (12 children)

    I don't think bitter is the right word. Most of the comments just sound turned off which is understandable because the question is about dating

    [–][deleted]  (11 children)


      [–]ughthisplace 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

      I don't know what GC/radfem people say about homosexual trans people but I get that gender dysphoria is a real mental illness and I can sympathize. Just would never date a trans man. I think most people here feel the same

      [–][deleted]  (9 children)


        [–]ughthisplace 19 insightful - 3 fun19 insightful - 2 fun20 insightful - 3 fun -  (4 children)

        lol... yeah "delusional" does sound pretty harsh. But it's also correct

        delusional is defined as: holding idiosyncratic beliefs or impressions that are contradicted by reality or rational argument, typically as a symptom of mental disorder.

        I would say that "delusional" only applies to people who think they are actually a different sex/ can change their sex.

        [–][deleted]  (3 children)


          [–]ughthisplace 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

          Most people on this sub are not part of GC/radfem groups. It's not just those groups who don't buy into the trans & gender ideology, it's majority of the world.

          honestly, I think most people don't care about what adults want to do to their own bodies. The original "T" in LGBT were just homosexual people who wanted to (or were forced to) present as the opposite sex. There was never any conflict with those people in the community. It's this new wave of trans ideology (lead by homophobic, heterosexual fetishists) that has turned so many against trans people entirely. I feel sorry for the homosexual ones who just want to live their lives and aren't trying to get everyone to disregard reality for them, but this is just the world right now.

          [–]piylot 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

          I agree with you. I think there's a commonplace view in some radfem/GC spaces that is ideologically sound in theory but doesn't actually provide any practical or compassionate solution as to how we consider and facilitate the people who do choose to take cross-sex hormones and pass as the opposite sex. The idea is they shouldn't, but can't ever rule out that for an individual it may be beneficial to their life to do so, and often doesn't offer any compassion if they do.

          Again, not relevant to the question re: dating. I wouldn't date a trans man as the male characteristics would be unattractive to me and also I wouldn't want my attraction to the female body to be stifled by a partner who didn't want their body to be regarded as female. Just thought I'd reply to note their are members here who are upvoting you, and even if most people here don't agree there are people along side them that you. We're not as much of a hivemind on here as it may look at first glances.

          [–]MannyMandrake 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

          confession: I upvoted because I felt sorry... 😖

          I don't actually think there's a problem with the way GC/radfem groups view people with gender dysphoria. They see them the way you'd view a person with any other delusion. For example, people who think they are an animal or a different race, age, etc. They don't entertain the belief at all. And that's fair, since it's illogical.

          Their goal has always been abolishing sex roles, not sex. TRA and trans ideology is definitely a step backwards when it comes to accomplishing that. Whenever I see someone talking about why they transitioned, it's always "because I do this stereotype" or "because I like that stereotype" or they say "I feel like a woman/man" which is, of course, impossible as those are not feelings. What they mean is "I feel feminine/masculine" and the goal should be allowing men to be feminine and women to be masculine instead of pretending that they were born in the wrong body and enabling this mess.

          [–]MyLongestJourney 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

          But this is what they are. Delusional women. This does not mean I can not feel sorry for their plight.

          [–][deleted]  (2 children)


            [–]MyLongestJourney 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

            This is the reality. It does not make me happy to say it,it makes me incredibly sad.But my feelings have no impact on reality. You can not change a female body into male and transform a woman into a man.Reality is independent of feelings.

            [–]QueenOfTheNorth 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

            I wonder why we don't give anorexics lipsucution and we don't tell schizophrenics their delusions are real and try to validate them, but we do change trans peoples bodies in dangerous ways due to dysphoria? As someone who has had BDD due to anorexia, it was crippling and awful. But just like no amount of weight loss could make me thin enough no amount of Hormones and surgery can make a trans person male enough, so the dysphoria never goes away while their body is harmed. You could say it lessens, but my BDD lessens at low weights too but that doesn't mean weight loss is a treatment for anorexia

            [–]just_lesbian_things 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

            He's fully aware that he will never be male and he knows that biologically speaking he's still a lesbian but for now living as a trans man is the only thing that alleviates his dysphoria.

            Yeah, that sounds like a problem for her mental health team. I'm done with people expecting me to front the cost of their mental issues. She's just not as deluded as other female trans people, and that's not exactly a high bar to cross. None of them care about being "nice" to women; I don't owe them anything. Unlike them, I'm not supporting sex stereotypes and hiding behind "mental health issues" to avoid criticism for my behavior, so you can say I'm already going above what they're offering. Yeah I am bitter. Who would've known that when you treat someone like shit, they wouldn't have the fondest opinion of you.

            [–]candiedDagon 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

            So you say your friend has no delusion over biological sex but somehow SHE is "living as a trans man" as opposed to just plain living as a woman. That's a distinction that can only be made if biological sex can be disregarded. This is not coherent. What is really going on here? Does your friend really think of herself as a woman or not? What separates the biological reality from whatever other trans man reality she claims to experience? There's no real sense here. Your friend is in a place where her beliefs are inconsistent. She's placing herself into an imaginary category to cope with her other problems. It is a still a form of delusion.

            [–][deleted]  (2 children)


              [–]candiedDagon 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              You’re missing the main point of my argument which that there is still delusion involved. Nothing about her experience as a woman impersonating a man is actually necessary for preventing suicide. Suicide is something one does to oneself, not something that is enforced by the perceptions of other people. Hence there is still delusion and covering the everything up with woke language doesn’t change that. Mental illness explains why a person might believe they can only prevent themself from killing themself by taking on a false identity, but purposefully taking on a false identity is dishonest and mental illness cannot justify dishonesty, only explain why a person is deluded to act in a such a way.

              [–]just_lesbian_things 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              But do you think that they experience the exact same stuff women experience when they pass as men?

              Do women all have the exact same experiences? I bet I have more common experiences with my brother than with you, but that doesn't make me a man. You don't become a woman through experience, it's the other way around. She's a woman so her experiences are the experiences of a woman.

              [–]strawberrysun 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              No, the mental health concerns would be too much, and I would never want to pretend to buy into gender ideology. Plus even pre-hormones, I am personally not attracted to masculinity.

              [–]Icebridge 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              No, I am mostly interested in femmes anyway. While trans men are still female, I dont like the idea of my partner talking hormones to imitate a male body. It's offputting and unnatural to me. I want someone proud to be a lesbian, not someone that i have to play "straight" with, despite the homosexuality lmao : )

              [–]just_lesbian_things 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              No. I'm not even going to date detrans women. Too much bad shit has happened with the way the trans movement treated women in general and lesbians in particular. It doesn't matter if she was oNlY a cHilD, or if she thinks she was brainwashed, or she was "the biggest victim" of her own choices. Actions have consequences. I can't look past the way I've been treated enough to start an intimate relationship. The trust isn't going to be there. We could be cordial acquaintances at most.

              [–]RealCubeDreamer 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              No, I'm only interested in lesbians who are confident and proud to be women. I'm sad to say most of the trans people I have met have tons of mental issues, which is not something I'm trying to invite into my life.

              [–]NerveActive 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              No, they are too cringy and I wouldn't be able to play along with their fantasy.

              [–]verystablegenius 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)


              [–]PeanutAllergy 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

              Nope. The 2 trans men I know are both deeply dedicated to sex roles. One got a little offended because I refused her offer to carry my suitcase. I mean, it was a nice offer but I can't be with someone who is going to get all sulky just because I won't play along with their macho man act and pretend to be a helpless damsel. I'm not saying all trans men are like that. That's just been my experience.

              [–]hunther 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

              Nope dating someone who have internalised misogyny to that degree is hugely unattractive. I wouldn't even date someone who's a demigirl/NB

              [–]WildwoodFlower 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              I am attracted to women who are more feminine than myself, so no.

              [–]BigMommyMilkers 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              No I wouldn’t date anyone who is mentally ill

              [–]jackthelassforgot 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              I am physically attracted to trans men and not remotely bi - I'm one of those gold stars that always knew I was gay.

              Initially I thought the physical effects of T would be a dealbreaker, but when my butch ex transitioned the changes didn't bother me as much as I thought they would. It was kind of like dating someone that started getting fat or aging poorly, maybe not ideal, but nothing I'd dump someone I'm already in love with over, and if they feel sexy the confidence can more than make up for it. He ended up passing better than any other trans man I'd ever met (tall and athletic to begin with, got peri so no chest scars) so I wouldn't call him feminine looking exactly, but he hit uncanny valley in a good way. Something about the placement of facial features and proportions of the skeleton and the way he moved hit the parts of the subconscious that pinged "FEMALE!", so no matter how "manly" a beard he'd grow or how muscular he got, he just wasn't off-putting in the visceral way even the most feminine males are. The whole experience just made me start noticing the "tells" for passing transmen, so now ones I used to think looked too manly look recognizably female to me and I'm more inclined to find them sexually attractive.

              But I don't think I would seriously date a trans man again because of the mental and physical health issues I can't see any way to avoid. It became clear after the high of chasing (an exceptionally successful) transition wore off that my ex wasn't any mentally better than when he started, he just now had increased cardiovascular risks as he switched to obsessing over increasingly petty things like wrist thickness in lieu of boobs. Transition wasn't the fix they promised, it was just another self-destructive coping mechanism like her eating disorder before getting into trans stuff. I can't stand by and watch someone I love artificially lower their own life expectancy chasing fleeting moments of "happiness" the same way I couldn't date a heavy smoker/drinker or an avid base jumper.

              [–]greenergardens 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              No, because of various reasons echoed by many here. I may like soft butch women, but I like women who are proudly women, with no doubt about that fact.

              [–]HelloMomo 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              It's still homosexual, sure, but seeing someone I loved do that to herself would break my heart.

              I think I would date a detrans woman, though. To me, the issue is less physical and more ideological.