Gay Mentrying to rediscover myself after breaking away from trans ideology, seeking advice

submitted by lostandconfused from self.LGBDropTheT

hey all, I am a formerly identified leftist who for years has struggled with my sense of identity. it began when I was 14 and a boyfriend I had online suggested the idea that I might be trans and after that point I slowly spiraled into identifying as female to all of my online friends. This lasted for years, and during that time I was sure of myself but also incredibly miserable as I felt like an imposter and of course did not receive support of this identity by people in my personal life (and reasonably so).

This confusion was perpetuated by my last boyfriend who identified as female and who unintentionally strung me along into thinking and feeling the way he did. I think that seeing someone I cared about and saw a lot of myself in transition into something else woke me up to the fact that our ways of thinking were all wrong. It felt dishonest, like we were living in identities that were handed to us by progressively minded people who saw something in us that wasn't there. Unfortunately he is still victim to this ideology and we are no longer together.

I am now 22 and over this past year I have been moving further back into the identity of the sex I was born as and I've found that I'm much more stable as a result and it's made me realize how manipulated I was during those lost years. I feel much more secure as a gay man but it still brings me strange feelings to think of myself as a "man" as I've never cared for traditional masculinity and I suppose I'm just trying to find where I fit in among other gay men.

Has anyone here had similar experiences in the past? and does anyone know how to work on undoing a lot of the conditioning brought forward by these ideologies?

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[–]xanditAGAB (Assigned Gay at Birth) 18 insightful - 2 fun18 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

"it still brings me strange feelings to think of myself as a "man" as I've never cared for traditional masculinity and I suppose I'm just trying to find where I fit in among other gay men."

this is the basic flaw in trans ideology... the reinforcement of rigid ideas of binary gender. Your a man because you are an adult male. you don't have to pursue masculinity, or masculine interest whatever those are. You can pursue what you want, live how you want, all the while being a man. liking something that somone has declared feminine, doesn't mean you are a woman. That's just nonsense gender ideology. What was it about yourself that made you or others say, "oh that means he's a woman"? why can't a male do that too? for me gay is just a male being attracted to other males. It doesn't mean you have to share a way of thinking or being to fit in with other gay men. just be yourself and find people who accept you for yourself. if you need professional help, find someone who won't push you towards the trans stuff. You can also look up detrans people's stories on youtube, as well as anyone critical of the gender ideology, like people here. And keep away from people saying you are what you know you are not, a woman. The "might be trans" crowd.

[–]NutterButterFlutterStill waving into the void 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

OP, you may also want to check out s/detrans ... it's still a fairly small community on this site, but run by the same mods who created the original Reddit sub.

[–]lostandconfused[S] 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Thank you all for the well thought out responses! I admit I was a little bit nervous posting about my experience but you have all been very kind and helpful. It makes me wish I had this sort of validation through my teen years as opposed to being validated into the completely incorrect identity.

And yes, you are exactly right when you say that people essentially gaslight you into believing these things...acting like you're lying to yourself or are just hiding in the closet about gender identity. It's extremely harmful to one's mental health and I hope that my experience can lead me to stop others from going down the same path. It's just impossible to talk about in this current age without being called out as hateful. I've picked up that maybe a lot of people on this forum are from EU so I don't know how bad it's gotten there, but in the USA people my age are extremely dogmatic about these things and speaking out on it can basically destroy your social life.

I will try to take your advice and be more careful about the circles I let myself enter and hopefully I can meet more LGB members who are on the same page. The idea of searching for a therapist makes me very nervous, as I already feel fragile as I am and worry that most of them will try to convince me of the same things I've been trying to break away from, but I will do my best to seek out one that definitely won't as I think professional help would do me good. Thank you all again.

[–]Constantine 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hi there,

You're right that you need to be careful about these things given the current climate. I also get the sense that a lot of posters here or on other GC subs/forums are either in other countries or a bit older than us. This kind of stuff can get us fired or worse, and I would be very careful if I were you seeking out a therapist who won't try and push you back down this path. I was very fortunate to find one who is also GC, but that was kind of an accident.

I think the best advice I could give you is to just ask people a lot of questions without straight out (no pun intended, lol) revealing your true feelings on the matter. You'll better be able to get a sense of the person's reaction if you throw up some trial balloons. Such as, asking how someone feels about cancel culture more generally and moving up from there.

I also want to say that I also totally understand where you're coming from and really struggled with this stuff myself, though I never went fully down the rabbit hole. You're not alone - there are all kinds of us out there, we just don't have a lot of ways of finding each other for the aforementioned reasons.

I hope things work out okay for you. It takes a lot of strength and intelligence to question dogma like this when it sucks you in so deep.

[–]reluctant_commenter 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm in the US too! I feel you dude :) edit: and yeah even speaking positively about JK Rowling to my acquaintances is likely cause people to speak negatively about me and damage my relationships. Let alone if I said, "some people are trying to trans the gay away," or "autogynephilia exists," lol.

The idea of searching for a therapist makes me very nervous, as I already feel fragile as I am and worry that most of them will try to convince me of the same things I've been trying to break away from, but I will do my best to seek out one that definitely won't as I think professional help would do me good. Thank you all again.

I 100% feel this way, too! But, I actually did find a therapist who seems really solid and unlikely to do that. Regarding therapy: have you ever heard the phrase "evidence-based therapy" (sometimes abbreviated EBT)? Research shows that some types of therapy are actually way more effective than others! But believe it or not, some therapists are in denial about that...

Some types of evidence-based therapies:

  • cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) -- for anxiety, depression, PTSD, and many other types of mental illness

  • dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) -- for borderline personality disorder (and sometimes other forms of mental illness, too)

  • exposure and response prevention (ERP) -- for OCD (it's really effective but also really hard to go through, so many people don't complete it)

Those are just some types off the top of my head. Point being-- a good "cognitive therapist" (a therapist who does CBT) is probably much less likely to try to trans you than the average "talk therapist". If you are looking for recommendations for how to find a therapist in your area, I have a comment somewhere with a bunch of directories of therapists who are certified in some form of evidence-based therapy.

[–]reluctant_commenter 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Hey, I'm a lesbian close to your age, not a gay guy, and I almost got transed but fortunately avoided it. (I discovered r/truelesbians and r/LGBdroptheT right before they were banned, and got to see the censoring in action.) I am also somewhat gender-nonconforming and got a lot of shit for that when I was growing up.

It's awesome that you've been able to find a sense of stability after switching back to realizing you were male! To be honest, I feel uncomfortable with the fact that I'm female quite often-- and, at the same time, I recognize the objective reality that my sex is female, and the high likelihood that my experiences of being bullied, abused, and shamed in relation to being female, are probably related to the negative feelings I have about being female.

I guess these are the sorts of ideas and actions I'd recommend. I'm no expert but this is what I try to do for myself:

  • Recognize that members of a cult-like ideology tried to prey on you-- and that is NOT your fault. I was in a vulnerable place when I started listening to pro-transing messages on Tumblr and r/egg_irl. I was afraid to consider that I might be lesbian, I felt that I had no one to talk to, and I was desperate for answers soon, I didn't want to wait. Transgender ideology confidently promises a fast solution: "you're actually a member of the opposite sex, and you need to transition." It's a pseudoscience, but a very detailed one-- there's a clear set of steps: take puberty blockers, start on hormones, get surgeries, and.. Voila! You've prevented so many mental health problems, and your own suicide! (Well, except not actually.) For me, it was the whole "nonbinary" bullshit that almost convinced me. But, whatever the case-- LGB people are extra vulnerable to being transed for a whole host of reasons, one of them being that we're more likely to be gender-nonconforming. It is NOT our fault that a movement which regularly employs cult tactics (e.g. gaslighting-- "you're just trans and in denial! I know your gender identity, thoughts, and feeligs better than you") preys on people like us.

  • Attempt to describe and listen to your own experiences of being same-sex-attracted. I'm pretty bad about actually doing this but every once in a while, I try to do some writing about what I think about the fact that I am into women. Childhood crushes? How do I feel about liking women now? If I feel shame or think negative thoughts about myself, when I reflect on past crushes on women, then consider: Are these thoughts just copy-pastes of homophobic messages I've heard elsewhere? I can give examples if that'd be helpful.

  • Try to talk to other LGB people who don't really fit in with other members of their sex, either. I am kind of reluctant to start these conversations but try to join in when I see them. I think it is a WAY more common experience among us "cis" (lmao) LGB people than trans rights activists will ever acknowledge.

Idk, those are just some ideas. I'd love to hear suggestions from other people, too.

edit: typos

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Brilliant response as usual.

the high likelihood that my experiences of being bullied, abused, and shamed in relation to being female, are probably related to the negative feelings I have about being female

That's certainly what fucked with me. Also female, and gender non-conforming to some extent. But now it is completely by choice, free of any aversion to femininity.

[–]reluctant_commenter 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Aw, thanks, I'm touched <3 I almost didn't write that lol, I still avoid thinking about the whole almost-transed thing.

Sorry to hear you've been through that stuff, too. Hope you're doing well now :)

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, thank you. Took a while to realize what had been happening during my childhood. Like decades.

[–]Butterlogs✨Superlesbian ✨ 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I never ID’d as trans, but I have OCD that basically convinced me that I was a trans man in denial. Our experiences aren’t the same but I think that there is some general overlap.

The best thing for you to do now is to simply get off the internet for a while and take some time to think and clear your head. As for the imposter syndrome thoughts, it will linger for a while and even though it may be hard, accept them. It the only way for your mind to realize that it’s being irrational and they will eventually cease.

I wasn’t out for long before I had my trans horror story, so I didn’t really have a sense of belong among the lesbian community. But seeing as I am too ‘straight passing’ and my opinions on the trans ideology, I don’t think they would like me very much. It’s totally okay to not feel like you belong, despite it feeling isolated. There are other guys out there who are in the same boat as you and just knowing that might bring you some solace. I hope you can figure this all out and come out stronger

[–]BritishbulldogUndecided if Radfem or just TERF 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I’m a bisexual women and I swear I’d have been a victim of this ideology if I was 5 or so years younger.

I’d spend some time away from LGBT circles and with people who have supported you and talk to them. Maybe even take a bit of time off the Internet and do something you enjoy- I potter in the garden when I’m burning out (the main MH issue I suffer from) but I don’t know where you are- might be a tad cold for that! It is here right now!

You talk about undoing the ideology- it sounds like you’re already there, or on the way. Just critically analyse every thing you see- not obsessively, just a quick second to ask ‘does this all add up?’ I say this as someone who fell into the ideology. Then I saw men in women’s sport and that opened my eyes. I then engaged my brain and over the next year came to realise the scope of the damage of this ideology. Undoing conditioning takes a long time, so don’t rush it, don’t be hard on yourself- you’ve been through a lot; and don’t be afraid to have your own opinion, whatever it is.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's late and you've already gotten great advice, so I will just say welcome, and I'm glad you are here.

[–]hetisachoice 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I used to be jealous of LGB youth who were born after me (the early 1980s) because I felt they got all the breaks in terms of peer/family acceptance. Those days are over. This is one reason why. Your story shows how much work still has yet to be done.