LifestyleSecret crush (lesbian)

submitted by oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡ from self.LGBDropTheT

Hey everyone, I hope you don't mind this topic, I could really use some advice. Basically I'm starting to develop a secret crush towards one of my female friends. I already felt it since the beginning but I kind of brushed it off and tried to ignore it and in the beginning it was just a little attraction. As I started to get to know her, the attraction has grown stronger but I kept ignoring it and just whatever. When I was sure she liked men, I was even more convinced that ok lets ignore this hard. By the title of this post, you can guess that ignoring really didn't work. Because I started getting to know her better and she is a very caring person and the way she cares about me feels really special to me. So yeah, I tried not to care, but as she kept caring about me, it was harder and harder to ignore. I feel a strong attraction now and I just want to make her feel happy and make her laugh. I don't want to ruin our friendship and as far as I'm concerned, she doesn't know I'm a lesbian. I know I got her attention though somehow. What I mean is that I can tell she likes the attention I give her. I have absolutely no idea whether she's bi or not or whether she might already guess I'm a lesbian or at least not straight. What I know is that im totally clueless about what I'm doing, because I don't want to ruin our friendship at all and keep being friends but I want to make her feel special at the same time.... And sometimes I wouldn't mind kissing her and stuff Lmao. I just have no clue wtf I'm doing and was wondering if someone has gone through something similar and could give me some advice. Thanks for reading.

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[–]julesburm1891 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Okay. I went through something similar to this several years ago. To make a long story short, we were very good friends and she was very much straight. But, she liked the attention she got from me. So, she gave me a lot of attention in return to keep getting the attention I was giving her. What ended up happening with this back and forth cycle was that I got a lot of mixed signals and fell in love with her. She kept getting the attention she liked but then very much was not on board when it was obvious I was head over heels. And trust me. It got to ridiculous levels before it got there. (The day we had a picnic, went wildflower picking, and then sat by a lake talking until dark comes to mind.)

Anyways, my advice here is to find out definitely if she’s into women or not. If she’s a lesbian or bi, great. Proceed with all the feelings. She’s probably into you too and this is good. If she’s straight, stop immediately. Do whatever you have to do to get your feelings in check because there’s no scenario where that turns out well for you. If you think you’re in your feelings now, I can assure you that the heartbreak will be so much worse if you let this grow for months or years. Like, crying so hard in your dorm room that you can’t breathe, type of heartache.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I 100% agree with you. I know how straight women are when it comes to receiving attention. I already learnt it the hard way, just like you. I don't trust them. Thats why I'm making this post actually because it's not that I feel hopeful for anything really. And I don't even know if I actually want a relationship with her even if she wanted to. I'm just like "having fun" but at the same time I'm aware that if I'm not careful, I can get screwed reaaaallly fast. I really need to stop with this and stop wanting to "have fun" because it's making my feelings go stronger. I don't think she's one of those mean straight women who do everything for attention though, I think she might feel actually confused about what's happening and/or genuinely think I'm just being friendly with her. Thanks for keeping it real.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 9 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

You're in love. Making her laughs, wanting only to see her happy, feeling like you would do anything just for her. It's like a drug, it make you feel happy but at the same time it can cause you a lot of pain, especially when it doesn't go where you want. If she's straight, well, better to stay away

[–][deleted] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

You're going to need to do something because your current friendship with her will just hurt you in the long run because it'll keep building up your feelings for her.

You can try asking her indirect questions about past relationships, celebrity crushes, or if she's interested in anyone at the moment, but those may not give a clear answer.

Or you can just be direct about it and have everything cleared up.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I actually do think she has crushes. She has mentioned one of them once (for a guy) and has talked about her guy ex. That's why I'm trying to not have any hopes whatsoever. It's just hard sometimes because many many straight women can be mixed with bi women because straight women are confusing as f*ck. You cannot really tell many times the straight ones from the bi ones. Thanks.

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Yeah, that's the problem with the indirect way of trying to find out things. Since that's not going to work you'll need to be more direct.

If she's straight you're going to need to step back from the friendship. The way things are going for you right now is just going to hurt you further. You're too close. You're also going to want to let her know why you are stepping back. Yes, it's going to suck.

If she's bi then that's also something you want to know if you wanted to act on your feelings for her.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That was not what I wanted to hear, but what I feared I would hear haha... F*ck. I really hope I won't need to tell her anything as I don't want to make things awkward. I don't even know if I want a relationship with her haha. I just idk feel a crush or whatever.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I mean, it's up to you. You can try to just be friends in your current level of closeness, but from personal experience that just ends up hurting and it damages the friendship anyway. It's hard to continue being close to someone when it hurts every time you get close.

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I know that situation also. A few questions so I can get a better picture:

How would you define yourself, socially speaking? And how does she compare to you on that aspect?

Here's my story and the reason I'm asking:

I'm extremely introverted. And I used to be very socially awkward too lol. It isn't natural for me to show affection, for example I very rarely hug my friends. To me, affection and especially touch means a looot. So in my world, touching someone: BIG gesture. Now, I have a very close friend who, like you with your friend, was so caring, so respectful of my boundaries, so attentive and so interested in whatever I had to say. She once told me she'd kick her boyfriend out to welcome me for a night if I ever needed her. That's something I'd never do for a friend to be honest lol. But for her? That's normal. Hugging a friend is normal, being there for them no matter the circumstances is normal, getting emotional while telling them you value them and admire them is normal. It took me a while to get that didn't mean she was secretly in love with me and repressing her potential bisexuality lmao. She's the kind of person who... got with her boyfriend for their matching vision for the future, I think. Feelings came later, and she really has that mentality that love demands work. This is why she has no problem openly valuing her friendships over her relationship. I've known her for 10 years though, this why I know this for sure haha. I've had time to accumulate a lot of information and it's only when I started to understand the underlying logic of her behaviour that I was finally able to let go of my condensed ball of hope that was really getting in the way if our friendship.

Some people just... are super friendly. Lol. Those heartbreakers 😒 just kidding I love these type of people, they compensate for the ones like me haha. But yeah, I've unfortunately found myself in situations where someone does one nice thing for me and I went: "huh??? why????" and that usually led to: "they must like me or something irrational like that" like the socially inept weirdo I am lol.

What I mean, with all these words, is that even though I'm near the extreme end of the socially uncomfortable spectrum here, I think lots of people can sit pretty far from each other on that spectrum and that breeds misunderstanding. So, a good starting point is trying to determine how different you are in that regard. That can help you gauge things better.

Well... At least I hope it helps. 😅

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your thoughtful answer! Truly insightful!!! :) Well I'm not like you! I'm kind of introverted yeah, but I am and have always been since a kid a really physical person when showing love. I love hugging people. I love telling them how much I like them. Etc etc etc. I do care a lot about my friends so the way I treat her currently is literally the same I treat any of my close friends. I don't give her any "special treatment". The only difference I have with her currently is that ive started kind of flirting sometimes. It's literally the only difference. So I totally understand why she would be nice to me without actually being in love with me. However, I do think she likes me a lot and although she is very caring towards her friends as well, she is a little bit more caring with me and I feel sometimes as if she can get somehow vulnerable with me and that's where my doubts rely on and what's messing up with my head. For example, I've felt like she wanted me to protect her somehow emotionally once. I guess I really don't understand straight women and I never know what their "limits" are. I think I'm screwed. Lmao.