LifestyleHow do you think you appear to others once you've disclosed that you're gay/lesbian/bi?

submitted by lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian from self.LGBDropTheT

Do people treat you like the 'gay/lesbian/bi' one, or have they treated you the same?

I've sometimes regretted disclosing, mostly because I don't come off as lesbian and have 'quirks' that people tend to focus on instead.

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[–][deleted] 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (25 children)

I think it's generally worth it to disclose it with straight men. I don't want guys to develop feelings for me and ruin the friendship, which has happened before. Some men also get really creepy around lesbians and it's also good to know that so they can be avoided before any real effort is spent on friendship. They definitely treat me differently after they know though, but that's usually a good thing, cuts out a lot of the flirting and dumb showoff behavior and can just focus on being friends.

It's a lot more complicated disclosing it with straight women. It's hard to tell how they will react sometimes. Sometimes they treat me the same. Sometimes they treat me differently. Sometimes they get flirty and manipulative. Sometimes they treat me like some predatory pervert. I just never know what I'm going to get.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (19 children)

Straight women can really treat you differently or start seeing you as a male who is nice because he got a crush on them. Reason why is really good not to tell, unless they're friends.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (18 children)

I've had a related experience to this: The "curious" woman who gets flirty and manipulative, expresses interest, and then just sits there, acting as if I'm suddenly "the man" and going to do everything / make the moves. They apparently can't smell their own entitlement and imprisonment in stereotyped gender roles. Guess what? None of that is attractive. Pass.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 11 insightful - 4 fun11 insightful - 3 fun12 insightful - 4 fun -  (17 children)

I remember reading a comment of a woman who had some female attraction but didn't call herself bi. Giving advise to a lesbian on how to conquer women, saying she has to go there and being insisting and courting. She said she had a brief flirt with some tomboy lesbian who insisted a lot because she refused her at first and wasn't sure. No way I'm going to insist and beg a woman for her pussy. Maybe masculine lesbians think different, it's a masculine behaviour to get so insisting just to get in a woman pants. Women are so used to have men doing anything to conquer her, like if their pussy were made of diamonds. and think other women should be the same kind of doormat too

[–]reluctant_commenter 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (15 children)

Maybe masculine lesbians think different, it's a masculine behaviour to get so insisting just to get in a woman pants.

I don't think it's accurate to generalize a common male behavior to masculine lesbians. I would be very hesitant to "keep insisting" with someone who doesn't seem interested, that sounds like borderline pressuring someone into something they don't want.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (14 children)

I think this type of woman simply targets women she thinks will, indeed, be eager / desperate enough. I have no clue about how butch women feel about their experiences, or if one could even generalize to any meaningful extent about which gay women are more likely to attract this crap. Either way, yeah, if there's one thing I won't do, it's be in the position of having pushed anyone else into anything, ever. I won't play games with coy people, they are just cowards who won't own their desire and I've never given a one of them any slack about this. It's just childish. When I detect someone is requiring the other person to take all of the risks (enthusiastic consent is a way better (and obviously, required) approach, but I still want to see some ownership of what they want, beyond just saying so, before I'll even broach it), I just keep them at arm's length and start wondering about how many false assault accusations they've inflicted, or will in the future.

I watched a serial abuser (a bi woman) target a rather homely butch lesbian I am quite confident she actually thought wasn't very attractive, because her target would 1. not be appearance competition for this abuser's ego, 2. be weak enough to fall for it, 3. had a high-paying job, and 4. a house she could move into. (I unfortunately witnessed her putting the moves on this poor woman in a totally fake, manipulative way, and watched the target unwittingly eat it up, not realizing that this love-bombing act was a mask that would fall off later, so I'm definitely not speculating. It was super gross.)

Not unrelated, said abuser also has a Cluster B personality disorder.

So it's an automatic "no" for any woman who points this at me.

It's not an accident that I am bisexual—it's a result of women being scarce or unsuitable. My libido is stronger than my odds are high of finding a woman who is both available and has her shit together. I'm just lucky that I'm not turned off by men's bodies. Men get to the point and are straightforward about what they want. (Which is totally easy for straight men to do, I'm sure, so there's nothing really exceptional about this. It just is.)

And obviously, it would be unrealistic, given the related hardships, to expect women to know how to feel confident and comfortable with their same-sex attraction in a society is messed-up as this one has been. I still require it. If I can do it, so can others. If they can't yet, they can go practice on someone else.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 7 insightful - 6 fun7 insightful - 5 fun8 insightful - 6 fun -  (5 children)

Are you saying you're bi simply because it's difficult to date as lesbian? Sorry, thats bullshit. Simply as that, a real homosexual woman couldn't date men, doesn't matter if the alternative is staying alone forever. We can't do it. Not even superfeminine trans male.

I watched a serial abuser (a bi woman) target a rather homely butch lesbian I am quite confident she actually thought wasn't very attractive, because her target would 1. not be appearance competition for this abuser's ego, 2. be weak enough to fall for it, 3. had a high-paying job, and 4. a house she could move into. (I unfortunately witnessed her putting the moves on this poor woman in a totally fake, manipulative way, and watched the target unwittingly eat it up, not realizing that this love-bombing act was a mask that would fall off later, so I'm definitely not speculating. It was super gross.)

So did the story ended? Are you sure that woman was really abusive, or you just though she was, because you didn't find the butch girl attractive

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

You've read things into this that aren't there to read into it. Please read it again but without the lens of trying to find negative things in what I said. Thanks. If it still doesn't make sense then I'll try to help, but at the moment I'm busy still feeling ill, as I was during the wee hours when I wrote this. If you are so busy trying to prove someone else said something bad or wrong that you can't give the benefit of the doubt, I kinda don't have any energy for this conversation.

Please be a kinder listener. I am not your enemy. So I'd appreciate it if you didn't lunge at what I said as if I am.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Well, you said your bisexuality isn't an accident, which like imply you're bi on purpose because men are easier to get. I mean it wasn't about inding nothing negative, just what it sounded like

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

And this is why the benefit of the doubt is a good thing. Thanks in advance for extending me that courtesy next time, if there is one. I seldom feel that crappy, fortunately.

[–]reluctant_commenter 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I don't know if you saw her other comment, but sounded like that was just a mistake in typing. I don't think anywhere in there she claimed to be a "real homosexual woman," though.

So did the story ended? Are you sure that woman was really abusive, or you just though she was, because you didn't find the butch girl attractive

A lot of assumptions to make, my friend. I know it's frustrating to see someone phrase something in a way that a TRA might, but I think it's worth it to check if it might have been a mistake or misunderstanding first.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you. I mean it's not at all hard to pick up on my bio or perspective on things here. Suddenly suspecting me of something nefarious is pretty odd. Yeah, it was an error while falling sleep, feeling crappy, and typing in a tiny little text box where I couldn't see the whole thing. <3

[–]reluctant_commenter 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

I think this type of woman simply targets women she thinks will, indeed, be eager / desperate enough. I have no clue about how butch women feel about their experiences, or if one could even generalize to any meaningful extent about which gay women are more likely to attract this crap.

No that totally makes sense, unfortunately I know what you're talking about, I fell for someone like that once. I just don't think it's fair to generalize that to masculine lesbians (not saying you did, but sometimes I see people here do that)... maybe it depends on how people are defining "masculine" but just because a woman likes to wear masculine clothing doesn't mean she acts in a way similar to a stereotype about straight men.

...watched the target unwittingly eat it up, not realizing that this love-bombing act was a mask that would fall off later, so I'm definitely not speculating. It was super gross.)

Yeah, I've seen that before, I know what you're talking about. Ugh. Hope she was able to realize what was going on.

It's not an accident that I am bisexual—it's a result of women being scarce or unsuitable. My libido is stronger than my odds are high of finding a woman who is both available and has her shit together. I'm just lucky that I'm not turned off by men's bodies. Men get to the point and are straightforward about what they want. (Which is totally easy for straight men to do, I'm sure, so there's nothing really exceptional about this. It just is.)

I'm a little confused, sorry-- you think it's not an accident that you're bisexual...? Or that you choose to date men (even while being attracted to them)? I do think anyone is capable of being straightforward, and it's a shame that so many women feel like they can't be.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I didn't say that behaviour was normal masculine lesbian behaviour. I said I can see a masculine lesbian with dominate character behave like that. It's in general not a woman behaviour cause we don't have as high libido or the drive to conquer and dominate typical of males. I toldo you femininity is more than clothes, and you come off as feminine in character.

[–]reluctant_commenter 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Ok but do you define masculinity and femininity, then...? They are just character traits? The last time we talked, you said that you thought butch women are actually just a type of feminine, so I guess I'm not sure who you are referring to when you say "masculine" then.

If it has everything to do with personality and dominant behavior, then I can think of quite a few women who dress in very feminine clothes who you might describe as masculine then because they are so assertive. But I'm not convinced it makes sense to call those women masculine; many people I've talked on this sub also define "masculine" as referring to external appearance.

It's in general not a woman behaviour cause we don't have as high libido or the drive to conquer and dominate typical of males.

I mean, to a significant extent these traits are likely not inherent to sex but rather products of culture. But behaviorally, yes, women on average have less of these traits.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

Never said butches were feminine. Butches are masculine as fuck. To me, femininity is mainly a character trait, something natural, mannerism , but it also style too. It's a mix of both mannerism/personality and style, but it isn't just style.

I'm pretty sure men are more aggressive because of testosterone , not just culture.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I just don't think it's fair to generalize that to masculine lesbians

I agree with you, which might not have come across adequately. I have no generalizations to make about masculine lesbians (if we could even agree, as you noted, on what that means; I am, indeed, not the one who made that distinction).

Hope she was able to realize what was going on.

I believe so, according to a mutual friend who was aware of the situation and the risk to the target. The woman who targeted her is, to be clear, known by many people to be abusive. She also rather bluntly states her unsavory motives at times (without realizing how bad it makes her look; her conscience is not exactly fully developed), and one of the motives she has stated is being uncomfortable dating anyone she sees as being as attractive as herself, or more attractive than herself. (She made comments once or twice to that effect about targeting this particular woman and pursued a similar type in several other cases; like most people with her issues, she’s very formulaic and predictable in some respects.) The mask she showed to her target was very different and completely fake. She’s deeply narcissistic.

I'm a little confused, sorry-- you think it's not an accident that you're bisexual...? Or that you choose to date men (even while being attracted to them)? I do think anyone is capable of being straightforward, and it's a shame that so many women feel like they can't be.

Thank you for asking about this in a considerate way (which is an allusion to the nature of the other commenter's reply, not anything to do with you, just to be completely clear), I was feeling like crap at the time and still am. I clearly closed the comment before re-reading it for clarity and completeness. I likely got bit by the fact that the little text field we get to write in does not expand to show the whole comment, so I probably didn't see that I'd missed something. I’m writing this one in a text editor. The intended point: I'm fortunate that I'm bisexual, and it's not an accident that I act upon that fact more often than I would, given better opportunities with women. To avoid nonsense, which I am not willing to tolerate, I choose to be solo rather than regularly looking for mates. I don’t go looking for men, but good ones find me now and then, and once in a while (but less often than the opportunity presents itself) I take them up on it. The fact that the quality of the men I attract has been so consistently high seems a bit like a cosmic joke given that I am much more strongly attracted to women. But there are a whole lot more men who are attracted to women in the world, so it makes sense.

It just doesn’t match up with how many straight women have subpar (or worse) experiences with men. But it’s probably easier for me to automatically filter out unsuitable men given that I don’t feel compelled to pursue them, and don’t pursue them. I never have. That sort of levels the playing field.

it's a shame that so many women feel like they can't be

Yes. Not much of a surprise, sadly.

Let me know if anything above is confusing. I still feel rather crummy and am writing this under suboptimal ergonomic conditions, as I was with the previous comment early this morning.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

pussy were made of diamonds

I'm not a dude, and I still want to cover my private bits at the thought of this. The metaphor is apt.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Sometimes they get flirty and manipulative

This is what I usually encounter if they do anything differently, and I hate it.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

They expect us to simp for them the same way some men do and it's just really frustrating.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I guess it's a good filter, too, since every woman who does this is automatically disqualified. If she's got that brainwashing / entitlement problem, she's going to have other issues as well.

[–]reluctant_commenter 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Some men also get really creepy around lesbians and it's also good to know that so they can be avoided before any real effort is spent on friendship.

Oh, wow, I guess that sort of is convenient in a way.

It's a lot more complicated disclosing it with straight women. It's hard to tell how they will react sometimes. Sometimes they treat me the same. Sometimes they treat me differently. Sometimes they get flirty and manipulative. Sometimes they treat me like some predatory pervert. I just never know what I'm going to get.

I worry about these possibilities quite a bit. Any sense of how common each of these reactions are?

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm not sure how common they are, but in my experience straight women acting weird is much more common than straight men acting weird. I would have expected the opposite given how much straight men fetishize lesbians. I just find it easier to be friends with men a lot of the time.

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 14 insightful - 5 fun14 insightful - 4 fun15 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

A joke, clown, and something to be mocked/viewed as a stereotype. So I never disclose. Even online I get flagged as "the twinky gay one XDDD" really fast. I hate it. I'm not even stereotypically gay but they take my sexuality and my feminine appearance (which is a hormone/genetic problem, not a choice) and be stupid about it.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

My sexuality is always top secret. I come from a conservative place, don't need to tell others and have far more serious issues to focus on. In the future, in another place, and if in relationship, I would talk about my sexuality as it were hetero. But I don't really get why people feel the need of telling others they 're gay.Even if you live in Berlin or London or others super moder place, while do you feel the need of telling something so personal? I'm not talking about talking of your relationships, but just having to say you're gay like that. It is personal.

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian[S] 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Most of the times I've told people, it's mostly to stop them from continuously saying 'when are you going to get a boyfriend' or trying to set me up with guys they know. I know it's a common talking point for families, but you get sick of it after a decade.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Ah yeah, I know very well the annoying question about personal life. That is especially common in italian families gatherings lol

I still don't see the need of telling the truth. Just say you're single and if they keep annoying you, let them understand to quit. Easier said than done, I know

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian[S] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Mine's Serbian, but there's Greeks and Italians at the gatherings most of the time too.

Fair enough. I'll try that in future.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 11 insightful - 2 fun11 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Serbia, it's really conservative, isn't it? Must to be another reason not to tell. I mean, it isnt like I'm a against telling it to the right people. My parents know, me and my father talked about it weeks ago and told me to find a gf lol It was nice to know he is comfortable with it, for a sicilian men in his 60's, it is quite the thing. But in general, people shouldn't know, unless you got a girlfriend and then you absolutely need to tell others she's your girlfriend, because it isn't nice to pretend you're just friend, when you're lovers

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, it's their religion (Orthodox Christianity) that makes them conservative more than anything. I only told a few close family members. The youngest was glad I told her earlier rather than later, an older family member thinks it's a phase because I lost my father at a young age and therefore 'became a lesbian' to deal with it, and the oldest is alright with it, but told me not to tell anyone else in the family. I'll have to tell the rest of the family when I've got a girlfriend, but it might be a while because of this current mess with LGBTQ and the tiny dating pool/lack of gay/lesbian venues in my area. Until then, I'll stick to saying 'oh, I'm studying/working. I'm too busy to date anyone right now lol' when I get the dreaded question.

[–]barnarnasis this tv show my friend? 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

A majority of the straight people in my life are Very Christian so I've gotten a lot of "it's okay, we can still be friends." and the occasional totally agenda free church invite. I'll usually give them a pass since I'm the first LGB person they've (knowingly) encountered, as long as they aren't being intentionally homophobic which I haven't run into yet. They don't tend to treat me differently, but I've never brought girls around them so it might just be begrudging tolerance

I don't modify anything about myself around them, but the assumed straightness of everyone around is so ingrained that it's still somehow a shock :P

[–]xanditAGAB (Assigned Gay at Birth) 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

they sometimes put you in the "gay box" which is full of all their preconceived notion about what gay is. then you have to show them you are an individual.

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian[S] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It sucks that the onus is on us to prove we're not a single, amorphous entity but exactly the same as we were before we told people that we're gay. Nothing in reality has changed, just their perception of us.

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I pick who I tell very carefully, so this situation won't happen. I have told: family, straight female best friend who I know is very accepting and treats people fairly, and my gay childhood friend. For various reasons, sometimes because I didn't want them to have false expectations for me, sometimes just because I wanted their advice on love lol.

I have another childhood friend who I'd eventually like to know but I think she guessed anyway.

None have treated me differently. I'm still just the same friend they've had all this time. It probably makes sense to them, too, since I used to scoff disdainfully when they'd suggest pairing me with a guy. It sure made sense to me when I realised. Well I guess the one thing that has changed is that they now know I'm not an ice cold independent woman who sneers at the thought of love lol. I'm actually a closet romantic.

I don't plan on telling anyone else, the men around me know I'm not interested in any of them, and the women around me know I'm not interested in discussing men or typically feminine stuff. They don't need to know I'm a homosexual to know that, so it's good, they treat me fine. I think I've reached a point where I'm satisfied with it, too. I'm not lying to them, but some private things they don't need to know either.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I live in a very gay-friendly place so I haven't had to think about this in a long time, aside from the annoying things that straight women do to L/B women. It usually enhances my friendships with men, since we have more things in common to talk about.

[–]censorshipment 7 insightful - 7 fun7 insightful - 6 fun8 insightful - 7 fun -  (1 child)

My straight friends used to treat me like I'm just one of the girls, which I hated because they're all feminine and I'm gnc/butch... I didn't want to have boring "girls chats" and "girls nights" with them. I just wanted to be their lesbian party friend (go out, get drunk, attract bi/gay women who liked that I had a bunch of female friends lol).

When I had a job, men respected me like I was just one of the guys (except the one dude who followed me into a restroom, I got him fired)... but women groped me and asked inappropriate questions about my sex life. They seemed very "bicurious" when I was around. I refused to report women for harassing me... so I quit my job. Pussy Pass NOT Denied. 🤭

In general, I think people treat me well because I'm masculine... they don't expect me to do feminine shit that other women do. 😏

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 13 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, that's why I'm more fond of feminine gays than masculine lesbians. Other than the fact that basically I don't like masculinity, a gay dude will much more disrespected for being feminine than a lesbian will be mistreated for being masculine, since this misogynistic society treats femininity as a shame.

[–]reluctant_commenter 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Great question. I've been reading others' responses, very curious to hear. I worry quite a bit about how my straight female friends might react, and hearing the mixed experiences of other LB women is both affirming and disheartening.

Some people don't seem to care, outwardly, but maybe they do? When I was younger (and in denial about my sexuality, convinced that I was straight), I occasionally heard straight people who described themselves as "tolerant" speak vile insults about being gay. So I'm aware that some straight people very well feel and think differently upon finding out a person's gay, even if they don't act otherwise. And then there are the ones who do clearly act weird or aggressive once they know.

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think the main thing I worry about, with straight female friends at least, is that they'll have the notion that you're somehow attracted to them (because lesbians are attracted to all women), even though they're not attracted to every man that exists on the planet. If they start acting strange to avoiding you, you'll know.

I'm assuming it also happens sometimes with bisexual women and straight women, and bisexual/gay men and straight men.

[–]pacsatonifil 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I have a group of gay male friends so I’m just another one in there. With my hetero male friends they all act so gay or talk about gay sex like teen boys would but I don’t care so I guess I don’t feel odd at all