LifestyleMasculine women are nicer than femmes on apps

submitted by oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡ from self.LGBDropTheT

Hello! I've noticed through all these years of being a lesbian and installing on and off dating apps that masculine/butch women are much nicer than femmes. I've always felt frustrated for not being able to be attracted to masculinity and therefore to them, because, honestly, they treat me much better than femmes and they take iniciative much more. I don't know if I've simply been unlucky with femmes, but this is a pattern I've come to notice. Now, I'm on a dating app and even though I mostly like femmes on there, I don't refuse butch women because I'm also looking for friendships with les or bi women. If she seems sweet and nice, I'll like. The results? Even though I like much more femmes than butches, I get more matches with butches and they actually take initiative and treat me well. I feel like femmes just "stand there", so passive all the time, and I'm quite exhausted to do everything to be honest.

I wonder, have you noticed this as well? (this is obviously directed at les and bi women here)

PS: Obviously, this is a massive generalization and not to say there aren't femmes who are nice lol. And this is simply based on MY personal experience.

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[–]censorshipment 13 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 2 fun -  (24 children)

My girlfriend is a stemme (stud+femme) and has encountered rude studs/butches on Bumble BFF who didn't want to meet her because she's isn't a femme. Femmes are much nicer to her.

I'm a black butch (I don't call myself a stud), and femmes(4butches) have always been nice to me, approached me and asked me out.

Femmes4femmes are the most rude women I've ever encountered. My bisexual mom is one of them... she can't stand masculine women and thinks every lesbian should be a femme.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (23 children)

Interesting, so it might be the fact that I'm a femme interested in other femmes. It's actually intriguing how women act according to how you present lmao.

[–]censorshipment 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (22 children)

Location is important. If you're in the US... the West Coast is the best place for femmes4femmes (and femmes4tomboys). Femmes thrive in expensive ass cities where fashion/style and overall appearance matter. Lol if you're a broke femme... you won't be successful trying to date other femmes.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (20 children)

So being a femme x femme is only in expensive cities and requires money? But aren't most lesbians feminine? The more I look at it, the more the USA dating market sounds absolutely hell. Thank God for being european.

[–]censorshipment 5 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 3 fun -  (19 children)

Didn't say only in expensive cities, but yeah... the majority of femmes who are out and only date femmes live where you need a good job + side hustles to buy fashionable shit. You gotta be able to affordable healthy food, gym memberships, skincare shit, etc.

Femmes4femmes are pretty much like bougie ass gay men out in California.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (18 children)

But being feminine doesn't mean you need to buy expensive clothes though. I feel like USA just is much more into gender roles than western europe, and that's reflect also in the lesbian culture.

[–]censorshipment 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (17 children)

Yes it does, to femmes4femmes.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (16 children)

To the general culture. I've always had the impression of most lesbians being feminine but not femmes obsessed with makeup and clothes and being into other mainly feminine women. But in USA seem differently The male female difference in your country is too big. I feel like thats reflect to lesbian types there too. But the gender shit might change it, as this is kinda eroding the butch identity in some sense. One way or the other, all this sexism and gender roles suck.

[–]censorshipment 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (15 children)

We likely have different ideas of what a femme is. There are the basic "chapstick" lesbians who aren't femmes nor butches... they're just basic gay women who probably like other basic women lol

I think my girlfriend fits that type, although she calls herself a stemme because she's a tomboy who wears makeup, fake eyelashes, gets manicures, and does skincare for an hour every night before bed. But she looks gay because of how she dresses in t-shirts, jeans, and sneakers... and she loves wearing bandanas.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

Yeah, chapsticks. I do think that describes me and basically most women, lesbians and not. Not masculine, but not barbie .A stem will wear dresses and high heels for occassion, but not all the time. Jeans and t-shirt is normal woman clothes though, not specifically lesbian. If that is lesbian, than most women are lesbians lol I definitely not into the high femme obsessed with look and makeup, but I think many men don't like that either. As they come off as boring and high-maintenance.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

Would you says most USA lesbians belong to chapstick into chapstick category, while the super femme are more likely to be into butches?

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm not from US, but thanks!!

[–]FartandSnap 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Something I've noticed about gay men is that a lot of "fems" are just doing a minstrel-esque performance of Black women rooted in racism, anti-blackness, and misogyny.

Like, you're not Fem Tyler, you're just parodying what you think sassy Black women act like. I'm not fem shaming, I just don't think your performance of Black female stereotypes is cute.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Don't care. I want a feminien woman. If I need to court them, so it be. I like courting. I'm a butch inside I guess ahah

But for real. Yeah feminine women can be more passive. But not all. You can find amazing girls. If they're into you, they will be open. If they're not, they will not. I won't be interested in someone if I need to make all the effort, it needs to be equal and feel like they care , but courting someone, it's not bad. My experience, older women are more aggressive, and sexual, even the femmes. Also bi women might be used to have someone do most work and got trouble being more upfront, I guess.

I've thought about using dating app to meet butch women too. I dream of butch friends.

[–]MyLongestJourney 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I really wonder why you make those kind of posts (which are out of this subs purpose) here and not in s/lesbians.

[–]reluctant_commenter 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

When I was on s/lesbians, people were sometimes really hurtful. So if I were to post about a topic I felt at all vulnerable about, pertaining to being a lesbian, I would definitely come to this sub first.

I was thinking of starting a sub for bisexual/lesbian women, though, which could also be a place for these sorts of discussions. But, until s/LGB is up and running, the mods have said that s/LGBdroptheT is a perfectly good place for these sorts of topics.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

When I was on s/lesbians, people were sometimes really hurtful. So if I were to post about a topic I felt at all vulnerable about, pertaining to being a lesbian, I would definitely come to this sub first.

Thank you for understanding.

[–]reluctant_commenter 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No problem :) and for the record, you and I are not the only ones who feel that way. I used to chat with multiple other people who left not only s/lesbians but Saidit in general after some of the vitriolic threads on that sub.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Because I had trouble there unfairly.

[–]MyLongestJourney 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Right.

[–]Mermer 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

As a femme I always do initiating and always risk rejection (that's why it infuriates me when men say women don't have these problems). I used to think I was only into femmes, I don't know why to be honest but now I've come to ignore all the labels and styles, a woman is a woman. Maybe it's because I've met a very attractive masc hahah and I've come to realize, even though she has the fuckboy vibe she's the one into relationships and I'm not into them at all. (We're not dating, she's a friend) But I know what you mean, complete passiveness can be infuriating, but some ppl are just terrified of being made fun of and rejected because it is how often a confident woman taking initiative is portrayed.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Interesting! Thanks for your feedback!

but some ppl are just terrified of being made fun of and rejected because it is how often a confident woman taking initiative is portrayed.

That's sad...

I used to think I was only into femmes, I don't know why to be honest but now I've come to ignore all the labels and styles, a woman is a woman.

Well, in my case, it's because I don't like to feel like I'm the "feminine" one and she's the "masculine" one. I don't like that dynamic, I feel like there are certain gender roles that will be expected of us. It doesn't feel right and I actually feel uncomfortable. And besides I do not find masculinity attractive, it's not really something I actively control, it just what happens. But I am trying to keep an open mind (and I've tried this several times) to actually give a try to women who I wouldn't consider them to be my "type", namely more masculine women, because as I said, they seem to treat much better. But I obviously don't want to hurt them either. It's funny you mentioned the "fuckboy" vibe, for example, because it is one of the things that turns me off the most. But I do know there are plenty of women who actually find it attractive somehow!

[–]Mermer 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yeah it actually surprised me how sensitive and romantic she she was hugely opposed to me but it just goes to show how meaningless and harmful stereotypes are. And to clarify I do not shame anyone in any way for having a thing for a certain type of a woman, it's just that I personally no longer have a preference.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Actually I have read masculine lesbians being often very romantic. You don't judge people from their cover. For men is far worst thn it could be for you, simply becuse competition in hetero world for women is beyond crazy, and that leads women to be extra selective.Being a lesbian does actually make you understand dating as male much better

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

"Well, in my case, it's because I don't like to feel like I'm the "feminine" one and she's the "masculine" one. I don't like that dynamic, "

Exactly the reason I dont' want to date masculine women, other than not liking masculine. But I've been occassionaly attracted to more masculine types, and I would say you should try to know someone without assuming things. If she is sensitive, sweet, romantic, liking a balanced equal relationship without roles, liking to be passive in bed and not just in control and not having dominant personality II could actually give it a try. That being said I will never marry someone wearing a suit lol

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That being said I will never marry someone wearing a suit lol

Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel as well. I'm open to make out and stuff if there's chemistry and she's sweet even if she isn't exactly my "type"/more masculine than I wished. But I have my serious doubts whether I'd be able actually want something serious out of it. Last time I tried to date a butch women, I had literally urges to cheat on her constantly with more feminine women. I felt claustrophobic with so much masculinity. Obviously, I decided to end it right away for the sake of both of us. Interestingly enough, she had told me that I was exactly her type. Life is so damn bs, isn't it?

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Mmm, being breathless in a relationship and feel like you need to cheat it is really toxic. I have no personal experience with you with a butch woman, but it seems like you talking about a man with a pussy lol Yeah, you shouldn't date someone whose characteristics you can't tolerate and like, that's not fair to the other person either, as it horrible to stay in a relationship with someone not liking you.

It's hard to find mutual liking and compatibility. And mutual physical liking isn't nearly enough. You need a lot more, in character compatibility or values and desires to make it work. Dating is hard and with a small dating base is quite depressing.